From Heartache to Forever

by Caroline Anderson

  She only had one glass, so he didn’t need to walk her home, in the end, and he was glad he didn’t, because it was only last night he’d done it with Tatty, and it would have felt weird without her.

  Weird and wrong and sad—

  Stupid. She was just a dog, for heaven’s sake!

  But all night, in the huge bed with more room than he could ever need just for himself, he worried about her, about how she’d be coping in unfamiliar surroundings, if the people would let her sleep on the bed with them or if she’d be banished to a shed—

  No. Surely not a shed. He was being ridiculous. He rolled over, thumped the pillow and shut his eyes firmly, but he slept only fitfully for the rest of the night, and the following morning he was in work by seven.

  So was Beth, and she gave him a searching look.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Of course I’m OK,’ he said brusquely. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’

  She arched a brow and stood her ground. ‘Have you had a coffee yet?’

  ‘I’ve had about four. Why?’

  She shrugged and propped herself against the wall. ‘I thought a coffee might improve your temper. Obviously not.’

  He sighed heavily and rammed a hand through his hair. ‘Sorry. I’m being an idiot. I know she’ll be fine.’

  ‘She will. Really, Ry. She loves everyone—and everyone loves her.’

  Including him?

  Her hand on his arm was warm and comforting, but he shrugged it off. He didn’t want to be comforted, he wanted to be left alone. ‘So, what can I do for you, Beth?’

  That eyebrow again. ‘There’s a patient due in Resus in a few minutes. You might be needed, so if you’re not up for it, go and occupy yourself in Minors and I’ll make an excuse for you.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  She looked over his shoulder, and shrugged away from the wall. ‘Good, because we’re on. Are you coming?’

  * * *

  It was another busy week, but that was fine. He didn’t want thinking time, not about anything and most particularly not about the dog, and events played into his hands, but then at three on Friday afternoon there was a sudden lull and everything stopped, so he took a break and headed off to the café, taking a coffee outside and sitting alone on a bench under a tree.

  And there was a dog, a golden retriever who reminded him a little of Tatty, and he felt a lump in his throat.

  What if she wasn’t happy? What if she wouldn’t settle?

  He was being ridiculous. Of course she’d settle. All she needed was food and a sofa and she’d be fine.

  Wouldn’t she?

  He pulled his phone out, hesitated, then rang the rescue centre and got put through to Zoe, the person he’d dealt with.

  ‘Zoe, it’s Ryan McKenna. I don’t know if you remember me, I brought Tatty in to you on Tuesday.’

  ‘Of course I remember you, Ryan. What can I do for you?’ she asked, and he felt suddenly foolish.

  ‘Probably nothing,’ he admitted. ‘I know you can’t tell me anything, because she’s not my dog and I hardly know her and I’ve handed her over to you so I’ve got no rights, but I’m just wondering if you can tell me how she is, if she’s settled, you know—just to put my mind at rest?’

  There was a sigh, and a few ‘should I, shan’t I’ noises, and then she said, ‘I can’t lie to you. The person who’s looking after her is worried. Tatty won’t eat anything, she’s hardly drinking, she’s cried constantly and we’re really concerned, but there’s nothing you can do, I know that, and I’m sure she’ll settle, given time.’

  ‘But—what about her puppies? If she’s not eating...’

  ‘I know. And my foster lady’s experienced, too. She’s tried everything—even hand-feeding her boiled chicken, but she just takes a mouthful and then turns her head away.’

  He felt the lump in his throat swell, and he swallowed and blinked hard.

  ‘What if I had her back, just until after the puppies are born?’ he said, wondering what he’d done with his brains but—how could he leave her there like that? Even if she was just a dog and it was really none of his business?

  ‘Could you?’ Zoe said, sounding doubtful. ‘Would you be able to? What about your work commitments?’

  ‘I can work round it. I’ve got a friend who helps me out—’ assuming he hadn’t upset her so much this week that she’d never speak to him again ‘—and my neighbour’s been feeding her at lunchtime, so we can manage, I’m sure. I can’t let her suffer. It’s not fair. Not with the pups.’

  There was a long silence, then Zoe sighed again. ‘Can I call you back? I’ll talk to the foster lady again, and my manager, see what they say, and I’ll let you know.’

  ‘OK. I’m at work so leave a message if you have to, I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m free.’

  He looked at his watch. Three eighteen. Another two hours and forty two minutes till he finished his shift. Assuming he finished on time, which was a big assumption. And then, maybe, he would be picking Tatty up.

  Or not...

  Time to get back. He swallowed his coffee, threw the cup in the bin and headed back to the ED, but the phone rang before he was even halfway there.

  He glanced at the screen. Zoe. He answered, his heart in his mouth.

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘No change. She thinks if you can manage it, she’d be relieved. She’s even had the vet out because she was so worried about her puppies.’

  He felt the air go out of him like a punctured balloon. ‘OK. I’m still at work now but I can get her later. Just tell me when and where.’

  * * *

  Beth stared at him. ‘You’re doing what?’

  ‘Picking her up at seven from the foster person. Beth, I have to. She hasn’t eaten since Tuesday and she’s crying constantly and they’re worried. It’s only till she has the pups.’

  ‘Yeah, right. And you’ll be able to give her up then?’

  ‘Yes! Of course! This is just for the sake of the puppies and it’s not for long,’ he said, and she wondered who he was lying to, her or himself. ‘The vet said she’s probably due in two or three weeks. It’s hard to say, apparently, and they can’t tell how many puppies there are without an X-ray but she doesn’t think it’s a huge litter. Whatever, I can’t let her suffer. Yes, it’s a pain, but needs must.’

  She eyed him sceptically. A pain? She didn’t think so. Not for a moment. He looked relieved. And at least his horrible mood had lifted, because he’d been vile all week.

  ‘Well, I’m glad to see you’re happier. You might not be such a grump to work with now,’ she said a little bluntly.

  ‘Sorry.’ His smile was rueful. ‘I don’t suppose you’re around later, are you?’

  ‘What, as a welcoming committee for the dog you don’t intend to keep?’ she teased, and the shutters came down again.

  ‘Forget it. I just thought you might—’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Yes, I’m around,’ she said quickly. ‘Of course I’m around. Do you want me to cook? I finish soon so I’ve got time. I can bring something over.’

  ‘Could you? I’ve got to dive into the vets’ to get some food for her on my way to pick her up, so I won’t have time to shop, again! Are you OK with that?’

  ‘Sure. I could do with picking up a few things.’

  She detoured via the supermarket on the way home, made a chicken curry for them and poached some of the chicken in a little water for Tatty, because the dog’s plight had pulled at her heartstrings and although she’d teased Ryan, she was fully behind his decision to have her back, whatever his motives.

  Was it purely the dog? Or was it, in some subliminal way, to atone for his guilt for not being there for her after Grace? A determination not to let Tatty down the way he felt he’d let her down?

  Whatever, she was
sure both he and Tatty would be happier as a result, even if, inevitably, it would put some of the responsibility on her, but she didn’t mind that and she’d been as worried as him all week.

  He was back when she got to his house just after seven, and the dog ran to her for a quick cuddle before rushing back to her hero, and the look on his face said it all.

  ‘I’ve made us a curry, and I cooked her some chicken,’ she said, and he smiled at her properly for the first time in days.

  ‘Thank you. I’ve got some dry puppy food from the vet for her. They said little and often, just till she’s eating again normally. Why don’t we mix it? Bit of each, just to tempt her?’

  ‘I’ve made us lots of plain boiled rice, so she can have some of that, too.’

  ‘Good idea.’

  Tatty thought so, and while she ate, Beth dished up their curry and took it through to the dining room, and Ryan followed her, Tatty at his side, and sat down to eat nearly as hungrily as the dog, who was now lying on his feet. She wondered if he’d been eating, either. Maybe not. The man was riddled with guilt.

  ‘She’s clingy, isn’t she? Even worse than before.’

  He nodded. ‘She is. Not surprising, really. At least she’s eaten, though, so I can stop worrying about that. The curry was delicious, by the way. Thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ She looked down at Tatty and smiled. ‘Do you think she’d like it if we moved to the sofa?’

  He laughed softly, but she thought she heard a tiny catch in his throat. ‘I’m sure she would. Come on, Tatty.’

  He got up, and she glued herself to his side and licked his hand continuously until he sat down, then jumped up beside him and settled with her head and shoulders on his lap.

  His hand went down automatically to her side, and Beth saw him wince as he stroked her gently.

  ‘She’s so thin—she’s back to square one. I’ll give her more food in a while. They said little and often at first to give her stomach time to adjust, but she’s just ravenous. Silly, silly girl, aren’t you?’

  ‘I can’t believe she didn’t eat all week.’

  ‘Well, she certainly has now I’ve got her home.’

  The word made her heart squeeze in her chest. Was it home? His, and the dog’s? Did she even dare dream it might be theirs, down the line?

  Yes, for now, but what if he didn’t get the job? Although James had said something yesterday that she still hadn’t had a chance to tell him.

  She should, because until he knew about the job he was in limbo, putting one step in front of the other, day by day, with no idea where he was going. Well, at least not until he heard.

  What if he didn’t get it? Would he take Tatty with him wherever he went? And where would he go? He couldn’t take her if he went back to MFA, although he’d said he wouldn’t do that.

  And what about her? What about them?

  Was there a ‘them’?

  She had no idea about that, either, but it was time she did, so she took a deep breath and tackled it head on.

  ‘Ryan, we need to talk.’

  CHAPTER SIX

  HE SWITCHED OFF the television he’d just put on and turned to look at her, searching her eyes for clues, but there were none.

  ‘That sounds serious.’

  ‘Not necessarily serious, but there’s something I haven’t had a chance to tell you. I don’t know if it was significant, but I bumped into James yesterday as I was leaving work and he was asking me about you.’

  ‘I thought he was on holiday?’

  ‘He is, but he said he’d popped in for something. He wanted to know how I’d feel if they offered you the job.’

  He felt his eyes widen. ‘Are they going to? They haven’t even interviewed the other guy yet, unless something’s changed.’

  ‘No, I think he was just sounding me out.’

  ‘Why? I thought he didn’t know about us? Unless you’ve told him?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, of course not. I haven’t said anything to anyone, but he knows we know each other pretty well, and he may have put two and two together and come up with something which is obviously not even going to scratch the surface, but I wasn’t about to put him right.’

  ‘So what did you say?’

  She looked away. ‘I told him I’d be delighted for you if you got it, because I felt you deserved it, you’re a brilliant doctor and would be an asset to the department, you love the town and I thought you’d be very happy here.’

  He studied her carefully. ‘Is that true?’

  She looked confused for a second. ‘Well—yes. Wouldn’t you be happy here? And if not, then why are you here and why did you apply for the permanent post? And scrolling back, why did you apply for the locum job in the first place?’

  ‘Because I needed a job. I told you that, and yes, I think I would be happy here. I am happy here. It’s a lovely place, with a great hospital and the added bonus that you’re here, so why wouldn’t I be? That’s not what I was asking, though. You said you’d be delighted if I got it, which rather implies you want me here.’

  She looked confused again. ‘I didn’t say that. I said I’d be delighted for you. Not for me.’

  ‘Or us?’

  ‘Is there an “us”? Is there, Ry? I don’t know. I don’t even know if you want there to be an “us”. Unless that’s why you’re here, after all.’

  She cocked her head on one side and searched his face, her eyes suddenly filled with doubt. ‘Are you sure you didn’t know I was here?’ she asked carefully, and he stared at her, slightly stunned.

  ‘Absolutely. You know that. The fact that you’re here was nothing to do with it because I didn’t have a clue. I told you that weeks ago. I saw the locum job advertised, I needed something short-term until I worked out what I was doing with my life, and then you were here, but I had no idea you were, Beth. For heaven’s sake, I’m not stalking you! Is that what you think?’

  ‘No—no, of course not, but I’m still not sure why you applied for the permanent job—not really.’

  He gave a little huff of laughter, feeling lost in this circular conversation that didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. ‘Because it’s a great place, and I love working here, and you said you were fine with it—are you not fine with it? Have you got a problem with it now?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said, searching his eyes again, her own troubled. ‘I honestly don’t know, because I don’t know where we stand, what we are to each other, where we go from here, if anywhere, because I don’t even know you well enough to know if you’re telling me the truth.’

  He was shocked at that, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he stabbed his hand through his hair and stared at her.

  ‘Why would I lie to you? It was sheer coincidence, I promise. I can’t believe you’d think that of me. I’m not Rick!’

  ‘I know you’re not Rick. It’s not that, it’s nothing to do with him. He was a lying, cheating love rat and I know you’re not that, but...’

  ‘But?’ he prompted, still smarting, and she shrugged.

  ‘I just know we see things differently.’

  ‘Such as?’

  That little shrug again, touched with despair. ‘I know you don’t trust me, either. You don’t trust anybody. When I told you I was pregnant...’

  He let out a shuddering breath. ‘Don’t. I reacted badly. I know. I should never have accused you of getting pregnant on purpose. I know you’re not like Katie, and you were hugely supportive of my decision to join MFA, but a bit of me wondered if you were just looking for an absent father, a convenient sperm donor. It’s not unheard of.’

  She looked stunned. ‘Why would I want that? I’d just split up with Rick, I was bruised and battered emotionally, he’d been sleeping with my best friend and I’d lost them both—why would I suddenly decide to have a child on my own?�
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  ‘I don’t know. You’re right, we didn’t know each other, we probably still don’t, but I was wrong to jump to conclusions, and I’m sorry. And when I realised how serious things were with the pregnancy, I was gutted and I did what I could to help you, but it doesn’t excuse how I was with you. But, no, you’re right, I don’t trust easily, any more than you do. I guess we’re both wary, trying to protect ourselves, and sometimes that hurts other people.’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, it does. So—will you do that again, if it gets tough? And what if I trust you, and let myself fall in love with you, and then we start having the difficult conversations?’

  ‘Such as?’

  She shrugged. ‘I don’t know—about starting a family, maybe—something I know you don’t want to do.’

  ‘I haven’t said that.’

  She stared at him blankly. ‘You’ve said it over and over again!’

  ‘To Katie, and about Katie and my relationship with her, because I was signing up with the aid organisation for the next few years and I had no intention of being an absent father! That doesn’t mean I don’t want children in the future. I’d love them.’

  ‘With me?’

  It was his turn to shrug, the question too close to home. ‘Maybe, if that’s the way this goes, but we don’t know each other well enough yet to say that, Beth. We’ve shared a colossal history, in a way, and yet we’re still strangers. We haven’t reached a point in our relationship where we can see the future panning out, and that’s one reason why I want this job, so we have time to see where it’s going. If I don’t get it and I have to move away, then we might find a long-distance relationship too much of a challenge, and I couldn’t expect you to uproot yourself to come with me until we were both sure.’

  ‘So you’re just buying time?’

  Was he? ‘Maybe. I’ve made enough mistakes, hurt enough people, been hurt myself. I want to do it right this time, for you, for me, for us. And that means giving us time.’

  ‘And you’ll want children?’

  He nodded. ‘If it works between us, then yes, probably, I would, but not if you didn’t feel you could do that. After Grace—I don’t know. It must be hard.’