‘It is. I do want children, desperately, but frankly I’m too scared to even consider it because I don’t know if I can go through that again. And if I get pregnant by accident, would you blame me again? Say I’ve done it on purpose? What if I can’t get pregnant again? What if we can never have a child? What if I’m just not brave enough?’
He stared at her, wondering how they’d got to this conversation when so far he’d hardly kissed her! Although it wasn’t because he didn’t want to.
He shook his head slowly. ‘Why are we talking about this now?’
‘Because I need to know how you feel so I don’t end up letting myself fall in love with someone I know might break my heart! I can’t be hurt like that again, Ry.’
‘You said I hadn’t ever hurt you.’
‘You haven’t—not yet. Well, maybe when you accused me of getting pregnant on purpose, but you didn’t hurt me like Rick did, no. But this time, you might, because this time it’s different. We’re not starting from the same place. Before, we had total freedom and a lack of commitment, a relationship based purely on sex. It was all about fun, and it was fun, but we can’t do that now, we can’t go back to that and I wouldn’t want to. Not after Grace. It would just feel wrong, as if we were trying to turn the clock back, but we can’t. Grace died, and we can’t change that, but I don’t know how we move on from it. Who was it said you can’t go back and make a new beginning?’
‘C.S. Lewis,’ he said quietly, his mind grappling with all the things she’d said. ‘Well, it’s been attributed to C.S. Lewis but that’s been questioned. The actual quote is “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending”. Maybe that’s what we should be aiming for, because for us, where we left off, our ending was just heartbreaking, and maybe it’s time to rewrite that, to make it the middle and not the end, and give ourselves a better ending.’
‘Together?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Beth. That depends on so many things, some of which we have no control over. I just know we owe it to each other to leave ourselves in a better place than we were in. I don’t want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you, but I don’t know if I can give you what you want, what you need, and I don’t know if you can give me that. I don’t even know what it is I need and it doesn’t sound like you do, either. All we can do is try. Try to understand, try to trust, try to care.’
‘And if we fail?’
He searched her eyes, and tried to smile, but it was hard. ‘Then at least we know we’ve done our best to heal each other,’ he said quietly, and she closed her eyes and nodded.
‘Yes.’
‘So what do we do now, Beth?’ he asked softly, and held his breath. What would she say? A light-hearted relationship, like they’d had before but without the disastrous consequences? No, she’d already ruled that out. A solid, straightforward friendship? Or something else, something deeper that would involve a greater commitment?
It felt like he’d tossed a coin and he’d only know what he wanted when it landed, but she shrugged again, a tiny shift of her shoulders, as if she didn’t know what she wanted any more than he did.
‘I don’t know. I like you. I more than like you, much more, but—Ry, I don’t know if I’m brave enough to test us. I don’t know how strong we’d be together, how much we could lean on each other if life got tough. We couldn’t before. Why would now be any better? If that was even what you wanted. I have no idea. You give nothing away—nothing at all, and I have no idea what you’re thinking or feeling.’
‘I can’t tell you that, because I don’t know,’ he said after a long pause. ‘I just know I want to see if we can make it work this time. We’re not the same people we were. We’ve both changed.’
‘But does that make us more compatible?’
‘Not necessarily, but maybe more compassionate. I didn’t stay with you when I should have done. I let you down, I know that. I wouldn’t do it again.’
‘But I didn’t want you there, Ryan. I didn’t want your pity, and I don’t want it now.’
‘No, I’m sure you don’t. I wasn’t offering it, then or now. But I don’t know what you do want now, and if I’m honest I haven’t got a clue what I want, either. Well, you. I want you, that hasn’t changed, but I don’t know if it’s just physical still or if there’s more than that, and if it’s more I don’t know how much more. Not now, not since Grace, because it’s changed us both, tied us together in a way we’d never expected, and I don’t know how we move forward from that. I just know that, one way or another, I’d like to have you in my life. I need to have you in my life, and if that means we have to test our relationship, to give it a try, then I’d like to do that to see if we’ve got what it takes, because I can’t imagine living without you in my life in some form or other and I’m sick of living in limbo, too.’
‘And what if we can’t make it work?’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe we’d just have to try harder, because I can’t imagine that I’ll ever have a relationship with anyone else that comes near to being as profound and life-changing as what I’ve shared with you. And I don’t know if losing Grace will be the thing that keeps us together, or drives us apart, but I just know it would be there in any other relationship I had with anyone else, and that getting past it would be unimaginably difficult. It’ll be hard enough doing it with you.’
She nodded slowly, and a sad little smile flickered on her lips for a moment and then was gone.
‘So what happens if you don’t get the job?’
Her words hung in the air, and he felt the breath sucked out of him.
‘I don’t know, because it has all sorts of implications. But I certainly don’t want to lose you.’
‘And Tatty?’
‘Tatty’s going to be rehomed,’ he said firmly, and hearing her name, she looked up at him and licked his hand.
‘Yes, of course she is,’ Beth said drily, and he swallowed hard and looked away.
‘She is! Beth, if I don’t get this job I won’t have a choice, because I’ll have to move on, I have no idea where, or how long for, so until I hear about it, I can’t make any kind of commitment to her—or to you, come to that, because I’ll have to get another job and it could take me anywhere. Anywhere at all.’
‘I could maybe come with you. If you wanted me?’
That stunned him. He turned his head and met her eyes again. ‘You’d do that?’ he asked, slightly incredulous. ‘You’d be prepared to uproot yourself again and follow me? What if it was somewhere you didn’t want to go? And besides, it’s only three weeks since you told me not to expect us to pick up where we left off.’
‘I know. And I’m not sure how I’d feel about following you, but if our relationship was strong enough and the need arose, I should be prepared to. I guess there’s only one way to find out. We need to try and open up more, talk to each other about our feelings. We need to give ourselves a chance.’
She held out her hand, and he stared at it for a moment, then slowly lifted his and threaded his fingers through hers, palm to palm.
‘I guess so.’
He pressed a gentle kiss to her fingers, then laid their hands down again on Tatty’s back. She turned her head and licked them both, then got off the sofa, stretched and lay down at his feet.
‘Come here,’ he said softly, turning towards Beth and giving her hand a little tug, and she shifted towards him. He slid his arm around her, tilting her face up to his with the tip of his finger, and then his mouth found hers in a kiss that lingered endlessly.
It would be so easy to take it all the way, to scoop her up and carry her into the bedroom, but they weren’t ready for that yet, not emotionally, at any rate, and he didn’t want to hurt her, so he eased away, turned the TV on again and settled back, Beth’s head on his shoulder and the dog at his feet.
H
e could get so used to that...
* * *
‘I should go home,’ she said a while later.
Ryan met her eyes, and nodded slowly.
‘Yes, you probably should. We don’t want to rush this.’
‘No. And it’s not as if we don’t know that the sex works,’ she said with a wry smile, and instantly regretted it because she saw the heat flare in his eyes.
‘Now why did you say that?’ he murmured, lifting a lock of her hair back from her face, his fingertips skating lightly over her skin and making her shiver with need.
It would be so easy to reach up and kiss him, but it would never end with a kiss, so she pulled away and got to her feet and headed for the front door, and he followed, Tatty in tow as if she didn’t trust him out of her sight. When they reached the door he drew her into his arms and hugged her gently, and she wrapped her arms around him and absorbed his warmth, wishing she could stay, wishing it wasn’t such a bad idea.
Wondering where life would take them now.
‘Drive carefully,’ he murmured.
‘It’s just round the corner!’
‘Yeah.’ She could hear the smile in his voice. ‘I know that, but it’s Friday night and there are idiots about.’
She felt his fingers tunnel through her hair, and then he tilted her head and touched his lips to hers, warm and firm and so, so good. They clung, motionless, and then he groaned and deepened the kiss, nipping, biting, licking, parting her lips and delving until she whimpered.
He backed her against the wall, his knee nudging between her legs, rocking against her as he plundered her mouth. One hand was anchored in her hair, the other sliding under her top, his fingers splaying over her breast, and she arched into him, her body on fire, her hands on his back urging him closer.
‘Ry...’
He swore softly and eased away, resting his forehead against hers as his breathing steadied, then he slid his hand round her back and pulled her close again and held her, his palm against her skin, cradling her head against his shoulder with his other hand so she could hear the echo of his heart thundering under her ear, his fingers toying with her hair for a moment before he straightened up and stared down into her eyes.
‘Go home, Beth,’ he murmured raggedly. ‘We don’t want to do something we could both regret.’
She nodded, went up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek, the stubble making her lips tingle all over again, and then with a pat for Tatty she opened the door and let herself out on legs that didn’t quite work.
‘Call me when you’re home,’ he said.
‘What, so we can prolong the agony with phone sex?’ she threw over her shoulder, and his eyes flared again, simmering with frustration.
‘Just—call me,’ he said through gritted teeth, so she did, the moment she got home.
‘I’m safe. I survived the drunks and the idiots on the road. Are you happy?’
‘No. Obviously I’m happy you’re safe home, but if I’m honest I’d be happier if you were here finishing what we started.’
She swallowed, the teasing long gone, replaced by a deep ache overlaid by common sense. ‘I would be, too, but if we’re in this for the long haul there has to be more to our relationship.’
‘I know. I still want you, though. That bed’s awfully big.’
‘I’m not sure Tatty would like sharing it.’
She heard him laugh and say something to the dog, then he was back. ‘I need to feed her. She’s hungry again, then I need to take her out for a little walk. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?’
‘What, apart from working? I’m on a late.’
‘Breakfast at the pub, and a dog walk?’
She smiled. ‘Sounds good. Can we make it nine and walk her first? I start at twelve and I’ve got a twelve-hour shift, so a nice big breakfast at ten thirty would be good.’
‘Sure. We’ll walk round and pick you up. At least in daylight we’re likely to behave ourselves. OK, Tatty, I’m coming. Sleep well, Beth. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘You, too.’
* * *
Sleep well?
In his dreams.
He had Tatty crushed up against him, as if she was making certain he was still there, and every time he moved she shifted back up against him again until he was clinging to the edge.
He didn’t care. She was back, and anyway, he had plenty to think about while she kept him awake, starting and ending with Beth.
Did he love her? It certainly felt like love, or what he imagined it felt like. Not the white-hot physical craziness they had before, although that was still certainly there, but something much deeper and more profound, born of what they’d been through together.
Except they hadn’t really been together, they’d just both been there, trapped on the same rollercoaster. The togetherness had been sadly lacking, but they’d been too wrapped up in shock and grief to forge a closer bond, and then he’d gone, leaving her to deal with it alone.
Could they make it work this time? Forge that bond now, two years later?
He hoped so. He knew he’d bust every sinew to give it a chance, but it wasn’t just him, and she’d had more to deal with than he had.
Well, with Grace, anyway. He’d had all the MFA stuff, and some of the things he’d seen were pretty damaging. He wasn’t quite unscathed, he knew that. The nightmares were a constant reminder, as were the scars, but it had to be worse for Beth.
He thought about her, about all the little ways she’d shown him kindness since he’d arrived in Yoxburgh. Would she have done that if she didn’t care? He doubted it. Certainly no one else would, unless they were a better person than him—but then she was, he knew that.
There was no way she’d have left him the way he’d left her—except she’d told him she didn’t need him and all but sent him away. Had she really meant it, or just said it to free him of his obligations? Probably.
Whatever, he’d gone, without a backward glance.
Well, he was back now, and it seemed they might have another chance, but only time would tell if it would work, and as for them having children—no, that was too far down the line to think about.
He rolled to his side, shoving Tatty out of the way, and finally he drifted off to sleep, only to wake from one of the many recurring nightmares to find the dog standing over him whining and licking his face.
He struggled up and propped himself against the headboard, turning on the light, and she lay on him, still washing any part of him that she could reach, as if to comfort him.
‘It’s OK, Tatty. I’m all right,’ he murmured, and she rested her head down on his chest and watched him with soulful eyes.
He glanced at the clock. Four thirty. Too early to get up, and probably too late to go back to sleep again properly, but he ought to try.
He heaved her out of the way, turned off the light and lay down again, and she flumped back against him with a grunt.
‘You’re going to have to learn to share me,’ he warned her, but he wasn’t sure how that would work. Ah, well, Tatty would be gone soon, and until then maybe they’d find a way...
* * *
They had a lovely morning.
The weather was glorious, a beautiful spring day with everything bursting into life, and for a change they wandered through the little housing development she lived on, taking the footpath that cut behind all the gardens, with the cherry trees in bloom sprinkling them with confetti and the last of the daffodils and crocuses bobbing their heads in the grass verges. They crossed to the cliff top, following it to the steps and coming back along the beach, and Tatty was tugging at the lead.
‘You could let her off.’
He raised an eyebrow and snorted, but then shrugged and took off the lead, and Tatty rushed into the sea, leapt back out and shook all over them.
‘Got any more good ideas
?’ he asked, swiping water off his face with his hand, but she was too busy laughing at him to answer.
‘Sorry.’
‘I should think so,’ he muttered, but he must have forgiven her because he took her hand in his and they strolled along the sand, with Tatty playing at the edge of the water.
He put her back on the lead when she soaked him again, but she’d got the tickles out of her toes and she trotted along peacefully beside them all the way to the pub.
They ate breakfast outside with her lying at their feet, smoked salmon eggs Benedict with wilted spinach and lashings of Hollandaise, washed down with copious coffee and followed up with a pastry just because why not, then she looked at her watch and sighed.
Was that really the time?
‘I have to go. I’ve got a twelve-hour shift ahead of me, but at least I’m off then till Monday.’
‘Lucky you. I’m on call from eight tomorrow morning until midnight, and then I’m working Monday, too. It’s going to be gorgeous, I can hardly wait.’
She frowned at him. ‘What about Tatty?’
He stared at the dog, lying asleep at his feet, and swore. ‘Good point. She wasn’t here when I said I could do it so it wasn’t an issue, so I haven’t even thought about it. If it’s really busy, I might not get home. Damn.’
She waited, knowing what was coming, more than ready for it, and she heard him sigh.
‘Yes,’ she said, and he looked up and met her eyes.
‘Yes?’
‘Yes, I’ll look after Tatty, and I can stay over tomorrow night if necessary—in the spare room,’ she added, just so he knew. ‘Then you can come and go if you have to, without worrying about her.’
He hesitated for an age, then nodded slowly. ‘If you’re sure...?’
‘I’m sure. Are you done? I need to go. Duty calls.’
* * *
It was odd in the house without him the next day.
She spent a while with Tatty in the morning, then took her back to her own house and introduced her to it, picked up a few overnight things and the book she’d been trying to read for weeks, and walked back, her rucksack slung over her shoulder. And of course she met Reg on the drive, beaming at her through the gap in the hedge.
From Heartache to Forever Page 10