by Jan Drexler
She stepped out from the wagon and joined the group gathered around a table made from sawhorses and planks from the Yoders’ wagon, ready to eat. Mattie slipped into the circle beside Naomi just as Daed bowed his head. She wrestled her thoughts into a prayer of thanksgiving for the meal, and then the prayer time was ended.
As the ring of people rippled to form a line at the table, she raised her head and met Jacob’s eyes from across the way, standing next to Josef. His mouth turned up into the same smile he had given her while they were in the wagon. That smile said he knew something she didn’t, and he was pleased with it.
A hand grasped her elbow. “Would you like to sit with me while we eat?” Andrew’s voice tickled her ear, soft and low.
Before she could answer, Jacob’s smile had disappeared, his face growing red under the wide brim of his hat. He pushed his way to the other side of the group and disappeared. She turned to Andrew, catching Naomi’s eyes on her.
“I’m glad you asked,” she said, taking Naomi’s hand. “Naomi and I would love to join you.”
Naomi tried to pull her hand away, but Mattie grasped it more firmly.
Andrew looked from Mattie to Naomi, and back again. “There’s a log across the road there in the shade. Meet me there after you fill your plates.”
He backed away and Naomi pulled Mattie back toward their wagon. “He wasn’t asking me to eat with him. He was asking you.”
Mattie looked at her sister’s face, mottled pink and white. “I don’t want to embarrass you, but I don’t want to be alone with Andrew, either. Come and join us, and perhaps some of the others will too.”
Naomi looked at her feet. “I can’t.”
Mattie circled Naomi’s slim waist with one arm. “I know how you feel about him.” Naomi’s face turned a darker shade. “But he won’t see what a wonderful girl you are if he doesn’t spend any time with you.”
“It’s so easy for you, but you have no inkling of what it’s like for me.” Naomi took a deep breath. “All the boys like you, Mattie. You’re sweet and pretty, and you can sew and cook.”
“You can do all those things.”
“But I’m not pretty like you are. Men like Andrew don’t even look at me.”
Mattie opened her mouth to protest, but Naomi went on.
“You go eat with Andrew and the others. Get Johanna to join you. I’d rather eat with Mamm and the other women than sit next to Andrew while he ignores me.”
Naomi pulled away and went to the table to help one of the little Hertzler boys fill his plate.
Mattie glanced over the crowd. Andrew had gotten his lunch and had already found Johanna. The two of them were making themselves comfortable on the log.
On a grassy spot next to their wagon, Mamm sat on a blanket, holding Noah and Miriam’s baby, Katrina, while Miriam took care of their three-year-old, Mary. Everywhere she looked, families were busy getting their lunches and finding a comfortable place to rest and eat.
Except one.
Behind the last wagon, Jacob stood with his staff in his hand, the flock of sheep grazing in the lush grass at the side of the road. At first she thought he was watching the group, but then realized his gaze was on her, as if no one else existed.
Mattie got into line behind Isaac’s Emma. Her sister-in-law held baby Rebecca in one arm, a plate in her other hand, and was trying to direct three-year-old Leah to take items from the table to put on the plate.
“Let me help you,” Mattie said.
“For sure, I need six hands today.” Emma let Mattie take Rebecca from her. With one hand free, she could help Leah put pieces of cheese and bread on their plate. “I don’t know where the boys have gone, but I hope they’re with Isaac.”
“They are. I saw Mose and Menno follow Isaac to the benches the men set up.”
Once Emma had filled her plate, she looked for a place to eat.
“Mamm laid a quilt on the grass on the other side of the wagon. She’s there with Miriam and her girls.”
“We’ll join them, then.” Emma looked over her shoulder at Mattie’s empty hands. “You didn’t get your lunch.”
“I’ll go back after you’re settled.”
Emma stopped, facing Mattie. “I saw Andrew with the Hertzler girl. Johanna, isn’t it?” At Mattie’s nod, she went on. “I thought he was sweet on you.”
Mattie smiled, thinking of Naomi. “Andrew is sweet on almost every girl. Someday he’ll choose one, but I don’t think it will be me.”
Her sister-in-law went on, threading her way between the wagons. “Why not? It’s time he settled down.”
“We’re friends, that’s all. We’ve spent enough time together to know that nothing more will come from it.”
Mattie held her squirming niece until Emma had settled Leah on the blanket next to Mary. Mamm’s face was more content than Mattie had seen since leaving Brothers Valley. Saying goodbye to Annie had been hard, but Mamm had the rest of her children and her grandchildren to ease the pain of the separation.
Mattie headed back to the table. Everyone else had gotten their food and was scattered here and there in groups along the road. Andrew and Johanna sat close together on their log, laughing as they ate. She didn’t want to join them and break up their fun. Naomi had found a place next to Hannah on a bench and was deep in conversation. Finally, Mattie dared to look down the road to where she had last seen Jacob.
He was still there with the sheep. As if she had called to him, he looked her way again. For sure, he would miss his lunch for those sheep, and to make sure Margli and Peter had their meal. Mattie took the last remaining plate from the table and filled it with slices of Mamm’s rye bread, cheese, and dried apples in double portions, and took it to Jacob.
“What’s this, then?” His eyebrows lifted as she approached.
“It’s your lunch, and mine too, if you’ll share with me.”
“Andrew asked for your company, didn’t he?”
“He’s happy with Johanna, and I knew you hadn’t gotten any food.”
He grinned and motioned her toward two rocks alongside the road. Mattie sat on the largest boulder and he sat below her on the other. He took two slices of bread from the plate and laid a thick piece of cheese between them.
Mattie broke a corner off another piece of bread as he took a big bite. “I’ve been looking forward to crossing these mountains for so long, it’s hard to believe we’ll be on the other side this afternoon.”
Jacob looked up the road to where it curved and disappeared. “It’s been slow traveling this morning, for sure. The horses have had to work hard to get up this far.”
“Will it be easier for them on the other side?”
“It depends on how steep the grade is. They’ll have the weight of the wagons pushing at them, and even with all of us helping to slow down the load, the horses will have to work hard to keep their pace steady.”
Mattie contemplated the Conestoga wagons, lined up along the road. They not only looked like the sailing ships that had brought her grandparents to the New World a hundred years ago, but they seemed to be nearly as big as the vessels she had only seen pictures of. “It sounds dangerous.”
“It is.” Jacob took another bite of his bread and cheese. “But my daed and yours know what they’re doing. Our families both came through the mountains east of Brothers Valley, and they are taller and steeper than these. You don’t need to worry.”
“You will help the other men with the wagons?”
“All afternoon.”
“What about the sheep?”
Jacob made himself another sandwich with the last of the bread and cheese. “They’ll graze here until all the wagons are down. Margli and Peter will watch them.”
As Jacob ate, Mattie finished her own cheese. The families that were scattered around the wagons concluded their lunches, and the men started packing the benches and blankets back into the wagons. The crest of the hill called to her. They were so close . . . if she could only run ahead . . .
His words made her feet twitch. “I have to wait until the wagons have gone down.”
“You could stop at the crest, just to have a look, and then come back.”
Jacob’s smile was infectious and she grinned back. “You’re tempting me.”
“Go ahead, before it’s too late. It won’t take long, and then you can come back to the wagons and help.”
She stood up, then hesitated. Jacob stood behind her and pushed at her shoulders. “Go,” he said. “You’ll always regret it if you don’t.”
Mattie took a step, then three. She looked back at Jacob, and he shooed her on with his hands.
As she walked past the wagons, Naomi saw her. “Mattie, where are you going?”
“I’ll be back,” she said, not looking at her sister. “I won’t be long.”
Her pace quickened as she passed their wagon at the front of the line. Daed watched her pass as he hitched his wheel horses to the big wagon and smiled as he saw her intention.
“No farther than the top, Mattie.”
His permission started her feet running up the road. Ahead was the crest of the mountain. The road went through a shallow cut, with laurel-covered mountain slopes rising on both sides. She ran through the cut and stopped on the other side. The road sloped down beneath her feet, winding to the left as it followed the side of the mountain. Farther down she could see where it turned to the right again, switching back to make the descent easy for the wagons. But straight ahead she could see only trees and more trees.
She climbed the slope on the left side of the road, pulling herself up by gripping first one shrub, then another. Every few steps she looked over her shoulder, but she could see only trees. Finally she reached an outcropping of rocks at the top and climbed onto them. She stretched as tall as she could, looking to the west.
There! There was the clear view she had been searching for. She moved to her right, and the trees opened even further. Between them, she could see to the other side of the mountains. Gazing at the rolling hills before her, she leaned farther to the right to get a better view. As far as she could see, tree-covered mounds fell away in a gentle lowering to the distant horizon.
That was the West? The land she had dreamed of seeing for so long? It didn’t look any different than Brothers Valley. She stood on the rock, her arms crossed as she hugged her elbows. She had expected it to be exciting and new. Her chest ached with the familiar emptiness. How many years had she fed that empty place with the expectation of the new land she would see when she finally gazed over the crest of these mountains? There had to be something more than the same trees, the same road, the same chores, day after day. The hope she had held close for so long faltered like a guttered candle flame.
A sudden breeze from the west rushed up the mountain, stirring the leaves of the trees around her, but Mattie turned her back to its call. Below, her family and the others were hitching horses, gathering children, and doing all the other little chores that needed to be tended to before they set out again. She slid off the edge of the rock and started straight down the side of the mountain toward them. She didn’t need to go back to the road, and she didn’t need to look west again. There was no reason to.
Jacob knelt to look Peter and Margli in their faces. Margli stifled a yawn.
“I’m counting on both of you to keep the sheep right here until we get the wagons down the steepest part of the slope. When they’re done grazing, let them rest here. But don’t move them until I come back. All right?”
Margli nodded, but Peter’s attention was on a flock of crows calling from high up in the branches of an oak tree. Jacob sighed. He had argued with Daed about the wisdom of giving Peter and Margli this responsibility, but Daed said they were old enough. He had even reminded Jacob how he had been given even more responsibility at their age. Jacob surveyed the grazing sheep one last time, then handed Peter his crook.
“You’re in charge, Peter. As long as the sheep stay here, you don’t have to do anything. But don’t go following after some deer trail or go off to hunt for birds’ nests. You need to watch the sheep and keep them safe.”
“Ja, for sure, Jacob. We’ll take good care of them.”
Jacob gave another sigh. He had to trust Peter and Margli, as young as they were. As he turned to catch up to the line of wagons, where Daed waited with the team, a movement in the trees up the mountain on his left caught his eye. Mattie was making her way down the slope, half sliding, half walking. He met her as she reached the road.
“Did you see what you wanted to see?”
She avoided his eyes, but her face was mottled with pink splotches. She had been crying. “It wasn’t anything like I had imagined. There’s nothing different on the other side. Only more hills and more trees.”
Jacob worked to keep from laughing at her. She seemed as young as Margli, standing sideways to him and pulling at the leaves of a bush next to the road. “What did you expect? It’s been the same all the way from the Conestoga. Some hills are higher than others, but it’s all the same trees and mountains.”
“But I thought it would be different. They say this is the last mountain range until the Ohio River, but you wouldn’t know it.” She snapped a branch off the bush. “I wanted to see . . . oh, I don’t know. I imagined it would be a wide valley stretching away to the distance where the river would be a ribbon of shining light on the horizon.” She turned to him. “I don’t think I can stand another day of walking through this forest, uphill and down, only to make camp in another clearing next to another stream and cook another supper over another fire.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Mattie. This is a good life on our way to our new home in Indiana.”
She snapped the twig in two and threw the pieces away. “But is that enough? Don’t you yearn for something more?” Her arm swept toward the west, taking in the mountain, the sky, and everything beyond it. “There’s a huge world out there, and I want to see it.”
Jacob tried to see what she saw in that sweep of her arm, but it held no lure for him. Everything he wanted was laid out in front of him, and the only thing he needed to do to find it was to keep his feet on the path. Everything except Mattie. If her heart was pulled toward some unknown place, would she ever be happy with him?
He glanced toward Daed. The horses stood in place waiting for the harness, but he wasn’t there to put it on them.
“Mattie, if you keep thinking this way, you’ll never learn to be content.”
Pink blotches rose on her face again. She twisted the front of her apron in one hand. “How can I be content when I feel so empty?” Her eyes were dark and it seemed they opened into a swirling blackness. “I thought you would understand, Jacob. Tell me you do. Tell me you feel that same longing within you.”
Something churned within him, but he shut it away. He stepped closer. “What are you looking for out there, Mattie? What do you want?”
Her shoulders slumped as she looked down at the ground between them. The distance was so small, if he moved his foot a few inches, the toes of their shoes would touch. But the expanse between their souls was immense.
“I don’t know.” Her voice was quiet, as if she was speaking from far away. Then her shoulders lifted and she looked up at him, her eyes bright and resolute again. “But I’ll know it when I find it.”
Jacob reached for her and took her elbow in his hand. “What if what you’re looking for isn’t out there? What if it’s right here with your family and your friends?”
She shook her head. “If that was so, I wouldn’t still feel this ache, would I?”
Her eyes pleaded, but he didn’t have an answer. He resisted the urge to pull her close, to hold her until she rested in his arms.
“I hope you find what you’re looking for, Mattie.”
She wiped a stray tear from her cheek. “You
must think I’m silly, talking this way.”
Jacob released her elbow, pushing down that churning fear again. She was just a girl. A friend. Why did she make him want to sacrifice everything to help her? But he had to stay on his own path, whether Mattie was with him or not. He couldn’t lose his focus in those bright brown eyes.
A shout from the line of wagons startled him back to the task at hand. “I must help Daed. He’s waiting for me.”
“Mamm needs my help too.” She smiled and gave his hand a slight squeeze. “Denki, Jacob. You were very patient to listen to me. I’ll be all right.”
Mattie left him and made her way toward her family’s wagon while Jacob pointed his feet toward his daed and the team that waited for him. A couple of days ago, he had been so sure that Mattie was the girl for him, but he never thought her dreams would be more important to her than a future with him.
10
Two days after descending the mountains, Jacob held the reins of Josef’s team as the wagons waited for their turn to cross the Allegheny River near the town of Pittsburgh, the biggest river crossing on their route. The ferryman had limited them to one wagon and team at a time, and Daed’s was the first to go. Josef had gone along on the ferry to help with the horses, and Jacob had volunteered to stay with his team to calm them. They were already nervous at the proximity of the rushing water and crowds of strangers on the road. He had left Margli and Peter to watch the sheep as they grazed in a grassy spot well away from the river, and his attention flitted from the horses to the sheep.
He rubbed the long brown nose nudging him. “You want more oats, do you? You’ve had enough for now, but you’ll get more this evening.”
The other travelers on the road, like the group of Amish, had been routed to this ferry by the men at the bridge toll gates in the city. The bridges, though they would be convenient, were built for city traffic like light carriages and pedestrians. This ferry, a few miles upstream from the center of Pittsburgh, accommodated the heavier traffic. Daed and the others had been glad to detour to the ferry after seeing the prices they would have been charged to use the bridge, even if they had been allowed to. The ferry was much more reasonable.