“That sounds pretty normal,” Cassie said.
“It was. We sat on the front porch and finished our sundaes. After a while, Jon came in and got on the Internet, and I sat in the den with him and read for a while.”
“Do you know what he was looking at?” Cassie inquired.
“No, he was typing a lot. Probably answering emails or something. I was sitting in the chair and couldn’t see the screen. When I went to bed, he was still working, but I don’t know what he was doing. He minimized the screen so fast I couldn’t tell.”
Cassie looked at the letter on the table and realized he had probably been typing the letter to Lillie.
“Then he pulled me into his lap and kissed the socks off of me. I was surprised. Our sex life has been pretty much nil these days, what with the championships, the house and all the doctor’s appointments…” Lillie did not mention the miscarriages so neither did Cassie.
“Doctor appointments?” Cassie asked.
“We had been seeing Dr. Carsten, the fertility guy.”
“Oh, Lil. Why didn’t you say something?”
Lillie looked down at Cassie’s swollen abdomen and replied, “Say anything? You’ve got a lot on your plate, don’t you think?”
“Never too much for you. You know that!” Cassie admonished.
“I do know. But the truth is, I just didn’t want to talk about it.”
“You mean talk about it with me,” Cassie said as she laid a hand on her midsection.
Lillie did not deny it, but she continued, “I wanted to pretend everything was okay. Talking about it would have made it more real or something. I just wanted to be normal and have a baby like everyone else in the world seems to find it so easy to do.”
As much as they both protested otherwise, speaking of Lillie’s fertility problems made them both uncomfortable so Cassie changed the subject. “What happened after Jonathan kissed you?”
“I whispered something suggestive in his ear and told him to come to bed.”
“You did?” Cassie said in surprise.
“Yes,” Lillie said quite matter-of-factly, “I did. The doctor cleared us to resume a normal sex life weeks ago, but I just couldn’t. The last few days would have been the right time to try again for a baby, but he just wasn’t interested.”
“I’m sure he was just apprehensive. He knows how much you have been through, and he didn’t want to be the source of more pain.”
Lillie just shook her head sadly. “I think he’s having an affair.”
“No, honey. Not possible,” Cassie said automatically but then paused to consider. An hour ago, she would have said that Jonathan Oleson was not capable of dumping his wife like a day old donut. But he had.
“Jon had been acting a little mysterious the last few days, but I thought it was something about a Christmas present. I guess it wasn’t,” Lillie managed as she dissolved once again into tears.
“What do you mean by mysterious?” Cassie gave her a moment and rose to refill her coffee cup. Returning to the table, she added another liberal amount of brandy and handed the cup to Lillie as she sat back down on the kitchen chair.
“Well,” Lillie sniffed and wiped her nose on the arm of her long sleeved shirt, “Last Friday he told me he had an in-service in Indianapolis, but I know he didn’t go there.” Lillie dissolved into tears once again, and Cassie just rubbed her arm and waited for her to calm.
“How’s that?” Cassie asked.
Lillie stood, unsteady, and grabbed her tote bag off the hall tree by the back door. “Because I found a gas receipt in his car, dated for Friday that was from the Hammond toll plaza. I thought he lied because he was in Chicago buying me a Christmas present.” Lillie foraged around in her tote until she found the receipt from the gas station and extended it towards Cassie. “He was visiting, her, wasn’t he? He was probably writing her. She can probably have babies…maybe she is already having a baby.”
Knowing Lillie was nearing hysteria, Cassie said, “We don’t know that Lillie. You’re jumping to conclusions.”
Lillie began to sway in her chair, and Cassie leapt to her feet to keep her upright. The brandy seemed to have done quite a number on her. Deciding the best course of action was to lead her back to bed, Cassie steered her toward the hallway to the bedroom. Cassie had to tug her back to vertical more than once on the short trek.
Somehow Cassie managed to get Lillie back to their bedroom, just her bedroom now, she mused, without Jon. She settled Lillie on the bed. Cassie was not sure how Lillie would find her way through this. When she had lost her babies, she’d been understandably shaken, but she had had Jon and Donna and Molly to care for. But all alone? She didn’t know how she would cope.
Cassie pulled the covers up over her friend and smoothed her hair back from her face. Lillie opened her eyes for a moment and looked gratefully at her friend as Cassie said, “Try to eat something when you get up, OK? I’ll be back tonight.”
Lillie mumbled something unintelligible and rolled to her side, fast asleep. Cassie tiptoed over to the door and gently closed it behind her. She detoured into the kitchen to unplug the coffee maker before striding quickly though the dim interior of the house that already appeared to be in mourning and outside into the brilliant sunlight of the late fall day.
Chapter Eleven
Fall gradually changed to winter, and Lillie’s heart grew colder with the temperatures. There had been no word from her husband. He’d vanished into thin air. Cassie had heard through the grapevine that he had tendered his resignation to the school, midterm, which was fairly unusual for a teacher. Leaving at the end of the year, yes. End of the term, perhaps. But leaving in the midst of the semester was more than unusual. Adding the fact that he left so quickly after his big win at the state championships had the small town rumor mill working overtime.
In the days since her husband’s disappearance, Lillie had little contact with the outside world and had barely left the house since awaking to his letter six weeks before. She ignored her clients, and her co-workers were forced to cover for her on her last several closings. There were times the phone rang off the hook, but she just sat and looked out the front window for hours or slept on the couch. Most of the time she couldn’t be sure when she had last showered or even eaten.
It was fortunate, or maybe unfortunate, that the savings she and Jonathan had amassed to put towards the building of their dream home was so large. Living in her un-mortgaged family home and with their propensity for living debt free, her expenses were next to nothing. She could live for years and barely make a dent in the principle of their bank account. There was no reason Lillie had to rejoin the living and working world, so she did not.
There was a part of her deep inside that was angry, but most of the time expressing that anger took too much effort, so she sat, day after day. As the days turned into weeks Lillie looked more and more like a scarecrow. Cassie became more and more concerned, often stopping by with snacks to tempt her appetite. It was during one of these visits that a county sheriff’s car appeared in the driveway.
Cassie had sent Lillie to the shower with orders they were going to have a decadent evening of Chinese food and a chic flick. Lillie had balked at the suggestion but Cassie had insisted that Ben was granting her a night off and there was no way she was passing up the opportunity.
Cassie waddled to the door with a feeling of foreboding. She inhaled for a moment, thinking that something had happened to one of her family but then quickly realized that the police would not come searching for her here. Cassie opened the door with a questioning look on her face.
“Lillian Harper Oleson?” the sheriff’s deputy asked.
“No, I’m Cassie Clark, Lillie is in the shower. Can I help you?”
“I’ll need to talk to her directly. Can you please ask her to come to the door? I’ll be waiting in my car,” he said without humor.
Cassie went as fast as her present girth would allow to the bathroom door and knocked. “Lillie, I ne
ed you to come out for a minute. Do you have a robe?”
“Cass, for God’s sake, I’m getting ready as fast as I can.”
“I need you right now, sweetie,” Cassie said in her best I’m-trying-to-stay-calm voice.
Lillie, wrapped in a bath sheet, threw open the door and glared at her friend. “What in the world could be so important that I need to leave the bathroom, soaking wet?” she said, not bothering to disguise her temper.
“The police are waiting to talk to you.”
Lillie’s hand flew to her throat, and she gasped, “Jonathan,” and ran to the door. She fumbled with the knob to the glass storm door and barely managed to open it before the deputy was climbing the steps.
“Lillian Harper Oleson?” he inquired once again.
“Yyyyes,” Lillie’s voice caught.
The deputy produced an envelope and a small clipboard. “Sign here please,” he said as he handed her a pen and the board, “Line four. Sign then print.”
Lillie did as she was told and soon was staring at the uniformed retreating back of the officer, with her mouth open. Cassie pulled gently on her arm, drew her back into the house and led her to the sofa. Lillie looked down at the envelope, still unable make a move to open it. Cassie sat quietly next to her waiting. Finally, Lillie handed Cassie the envelope. She opened it and scanned the documents inside.
“They’re divorce papers, Lillie.”
Lillie crumpled in on herself as silent tears ran down her face while Cassie read though the document. “Jon is giving you everything. The house was already yours but the contents, the land, your savings… is all yours. The only thing he is taking is his own 401k. You have thirty days to contest. Then it becomes final.”
Cassie handed the paperwork to Lillie who couldn’t see for the tears in her eyes. “I thought that deputy was going to say Jonathan was in some horrible accident,” Lillie said in a quiet voice. “I was almost glad,” she laughed bitterly.
Cassie's brows shot up, and her face twisted into a grimace. Lillie felt her friend stiffen, even though she had managed not to comment, and looked at Cassie in horror. Realizing how what she said must have sounded, she added, “I don’t mean that I wish that he was dead, Cass. Jeesh!” Lillie continued, “I just meant that for a minute, I thought that he had been in some kind of accident and he had amnesia or something and that is why he couldn’t come home.”
Tears ran down her cheeks as she took a breath and went on, “I’m so pathetic. But I wanted any little thing that would explain what happened to us. I don’t understand, Cas. I sit here, and I can’t stop thinking about what happened. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I run every conversation we had through my head over and over just hoping for some kind of clue.”
“Four pages,” Lillie shook her head. “Four pages and a marriage is gone, an entire life is dissolved.” Lillie’s voice trailed off for a moment before she continued. “I know that I was difficult to live with. I kick myself on an hourly basis. I was so full of my own pain that I didn’t stop to look at what Jon was feeling, what Jon needed. I can see it now that it’s too late. He needed me, and I ignored him. It’s all my fault.”
“Now that is enough!” Cassie said angrily. Lillie’s head snapped around to look at her friend. Cassie jumped to her feet, as well as an eight-month pregnant person could, and shook her finger at the friend. “I am sick of this, Lillie. Jonathan is gone, but this is not, I repeat, not your fault. I have let you wallow, tried to be the supportive friend but enough is enough. Jonathan Oleson paraded around like he was the king of mutual respect, but did he ever come to you, ask you for help?”
Lillie just looked at her friend, eyes wide. Cassie stared back at Lillie and hollered again, “Did HE?”
“N-n-no,” Lillie answered in a small voice, tears still streaming down her face.
“Did he tell you how he was feeling? Did he ask you to do anything? Go to counseling? Talk to your minister? Anything?”
“No,” she reconsidered for a moment. “Well, a week before he left he asked if I would consider adoption.”
“And you said?”
“I told him that I wanted to have a child of my own—one that came from the two of us. We were in the middle of all of the fertility testing. I was hopeful the doctors would find something, some reason things were happening like they were.” Lillie’s voice trailed away, but Cassie remained silent. “But mostly I wanted a piece of the past. Our child would have been a part of my parents…his father, the people we’ve lost…”
“What did he say? Did he tell you that he wanted to adopt or he didn’t want to continue your marriage?”
“No, nothing like that. He asked me about it, and I told him that I wanted our child and asked him not to give up on me yet. He let it drop. He didn’t mention it again.” Lillie’s face again melted, and she curled back into almost a fetal position against the couch cushions as her shoulders shook.
“Well, he doesn’t deserve your tears,” Cassie said with venom. Surprised again by her tone, Lillie tried her best to stop their flow down her face and whisked them away with the back of her hands as Cassie continued. “He is a royal shit, Lil, to leave you with no explanation. I don’t know what was happening in your marriage, but I do know this. There is nothing that can happen between two people short of violence that warrants such treatment. Did you batter your husband?”
“N-n-n-o,” Lillie continued to look at her as if she had lost her mind, “of course not.”
“Then the verdict is…Jonathan Oleson is a shit. End of story. End of wallowing.” Cassie stomped her foot as if to prove she really meant what she was saying. “Get dressed. We are going to a movie.”
Too stunned to do differently, Lillie stood and headed toward her bedroom to dress.
"You are braver than you feel,
stronger than you seem and
smarter than you think!"
--Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh
Chapter Twelve
Little by little, Lillie began to rejoin the human race. Most days she rose while her alarm clock still showed single digits. She showered, dressed, made her coffee each day. There were short periods of time when she was able to read magazines or look at television. On good days, she even managed a level of comprehension.
She tried not to think about her husband, now ex-husband, but was seldom successful. From time to time she would lose several minutes in the midst of an activity such as showering or walking to the mailbox, only noticing the time gone by when the water ran cold or a horn sounded before she stepped into the busy intersection several blocks from her house.
Some days she even went into the office and pretended to work. By then all of her pending sales, including Donna’s home had long closed, handled by one of her co-workers during what Cassie had come to refer to as Lillie’s “black period.”
Lillie often wondered if catastrophic events like this were not somewhat like a bruise. She seemed to have survived the black period, moving on now to blue, as there were days the sadness seemed to overwhelm her. She forged on, but it wasn’t always easy. Maybe from here she would progress into the purply-greenish period, followed by a fading yellow until all this part of her life and the stain of the injury would fade for good. She could only hope so, but she wasn’t counting on it. But it would make life easier for her when the outward signs of her betrayal had disappeared. While it was still visible, well meaning friends poked and prodded at her sore spots daily.
Her most significant relationship these days was with her new best friends, Ben and Jerry. Phish Food…sounded like a protein anyway and could be stacked in her shopping cart where she’d once dreamed jars of baby food would rest.
At least shopping at the grocery store three times a week gave her a reason to leave the house. She might not be making her career a priority, but once she cracked the seal on her last pint, Lillie scrambled for her sweatpants and sneakers.
On one such excursion, Lillie looked up as she walked out of the l
ocal mini mart. Lillie’s heart went to her throat at the sight of her mother-in-law, pushing Molly’s wheelchair. She’d rather have the pothole she was skirting swallow her whole than have to face Donna, especially in her disheveled state. Lillie hadn’t seen her or anyone close to Jonathan since he’d left.
But when she looked closer, she realized Donna looked, if anything, even more worn and tired than she felt. Lillie immediately became concerned.
Donna’s worn face broke into a smile when she saw Lillie walking toward them. “Lillie!” Donna exclaimed and reached out to hug her.
Lillie returned the hug full force and a little of the ice surrounding around her heart since she’d read Jonathan’s letter began to crack.
When she turned at her niece’s joyful gurgle and gathered her close, it began to melt. She felt tears on her cheeks, but there was a grin on her face as she straightened, one hand grasping each of them.
“We’ve missed you, Lillie.”
“And I’ve missed you both,” Lillie sniffled. The two of them had always been much more like mother and daughter than in-laws of either kind.
She looked again at Donna’s worn features and asked Molly, “Have you been keeping Grandma hopping”?
And then to Donna, “Are you okay?”
“Little might has had her days and nights mixed up and Grammy’s had a bit too much dawn patrol.”
“What about Cindy?” Lillie asked after the nursing student who babysat for Molly from time to time.
“She graduated in December and got a full time nursing job a few weeks ago. Between having the flu, running Molly to therapy and settling into the new condo, I’ve not had much time to find a replacement.”
Guilt swamped Lillie as she suddenly realized the strain Donna had been under for months. In the past, Lillie watched Molly on a regular basis, and Jonathan visited his mother several times a week while Lillie showed homes in the evenings. If Donna’s appearance was any indication, he wasn’t nearby.
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