by Rumaan Alam
Dedication
FOR A. AND FOR V.,
who made us a family
Epigraph
You give love a little shove and it becomes terror.
—JOANNA NEWSOM
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Part One
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Part Two
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Part Three
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Rumaan Alam
Copyright
About the Publisher
Part One
1
THE BOOK LIED. BOOKS LIED; SHE KNEW THAT. WALK, IT SAID. HOW? Rebecca felt anchored, or not quite: like she was immersed in honey or quicksand, something thick and sticky. Books were bullshit. What could a book tell you? Her knees ached and there was—well, effluvia was the word for it, a word so lovely it disguised its meaning. What if she leaked onto the linoleum? How humiliating, but the book said Walk and the doctor said Walk and the nurse said Walk so Rebecca, obedient student, walked.
“You’re all right, darling?” Christopher was English; he could use a noun like darling without sounding patronizing.
“Fine.” Small talk seemed silly when giving birth. She was holding on to her husband’s arm, despite feeling herself the sort of woman who did not need to hold on to a man’s arm. They’d been married in front of a judge, for God’s sake. “Fine,” she said again.
Christopher was eager. “You’ll tell me. If you need to sit.”
“Doctor Brownmiller said to walk.” Rebecca was more curt than she meant to be. It was embarrassing to conform to type. To snap at her husband while ceding to labor was predictable if less shameful than discovering she’d defecated in her polyester maternity pants that morning. That was hours ago. It had been a long day, it would be her child’s birthday. “He said it’s good for bringing on the labor.”
“Do you want a Popsicle?” Christopher’s Etonian vowels rendered the childish word something funny but of course it was still pathetic, like Rebecca was a toddler who needed placating instead of a patient giving birth.
Rebecca released Christopher’s arm. You’re free, she thought. Go away. She rounded a corner, leaving him behind, telling herself to hurry, colliding with a woman who was stapling something to a corkboard. “Oh.” This was the beginning of an apology that dissolved into pain. Rebecca was too distracted to be polite.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” The woman smiled at Rebecca.
Mom? Rebecca looked at the corkboard: a pamphlet, folded in thirds but splayed open, amateurish line drawings of a placid mother and her indistinct newborn. Mom, then, soon enough, and forever. Rebecca was still standing too close, so the other woman, black, solid, but somehow vague, stepped back. “My fault.” Rebecca breathed as they had practiced in the childbirth class her sister Judith had recommended she take. Judith was an obstetrician, a mother herself, but most important, she was the oldest child and used to having her instructions followed. “I wasn’t”—Rebecca breathed in again—“watching.”
“No problem at all.” The woman put a hand on Rebecca’s arm. “No problem.”
Someone, maybe this same woman, had stapled up a magazine clipping showing the princess of Wales, on the steps of St. Mary’s, resplendent in red with a demure bow at the neck, her hair in two perfect waves. You couldn’t see the infant (the spare) in her arms, but weren’t they just the Madonna and child? Behind them stood the prince in his double-breasted jacket, about as interested in the baby as God is in the rest of us. Rebecca didn’t know what the coming hours would hold but knew she wouldn’t come out looking like Diana.
She continued on her pathetic walk. Time passed. Discharge emerged. Her body thrummed. It seemed to have nothing to do with her. Their birthing class rehearsals hadn’t approximated this. Pain! Christopher hovered in Rebecca’s line of sight and implored her to breathe. His approach was more martial than she’d have liked. She was annoyed by his imprecations, puzzled by Christopher’s very presence. It was like having him by her side when she was going to the bathroom. Two or three times she forgot altogether what they were doing in that room, sorry, they called it a birthing suite, with its rose-beige wall covering and forlorn fake flowers.
“Breathe, breathe, that’s it.” Christopher sounded like he was urging the horse on whom he’d bet his paycheck to cross the finish line.
Rebecca felt like her spine was on fire, but why her spine? There were three or four or eight or eleven people in the room. The cotton gown did not cover her, an idea more than a garment. For some reason Rebecca was more conscious of the bareness of her breasts than the desire on the part of the assembled party to see her body fold out like an O’Keeffe. They attended to their business, its ceremony a mystery, like the College of Cardinals just before a new pope. What went on in there, anyway?
Her sister had warned her of fire, and Rebecca had planned for this by thinking of devout Buddhists protesting the war by placidly immolating. She didn’t have what it took to scream. Bugs, mice, the things she didn’t like; her response was always to shudder, think, Oh this, I don’t like this, as though the mind could do anything about it.
She knew it was happening, the moment Judith called fire: the baby was passing over her bones, her pelvis just a speed bump before he made his exit. Rebecca had assumed hyperbole but fire was right. Everything seemed white, which was said to be the color of heat at its hottest. Rebecca knew that someday she’d be fine, be delivered of this pain, be mended like that Japanese porcelain with a gilded crack, more beautiful once broken. But still, pain like she would faint, or maybe like she would die? Good thing she was already in a hospital! The baby slipped through her and the fire dimmed, the white dissipated, and eventually she heard it cry; her baby cried. It didn’t even sound that loud. No one was paying any attention to her.
Look at me, she wanted to say, but she couldn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure whom she meant, but anyway, no one looked. One of the nurses had Rebecca’s hand in hers, and Rebecca pulled away. She wanted the attention of Christopher, the doctor, the men. The baby was placed on top of her, and it tickled, and he moved slightly, and the doctor was doing something, and Rebecca was looking down at the child. Then someone covered him with a cloth and pushed the baby up her body.
At this moment (life’s first!) we all look red, wet, furious, like a small bird or rodent, a fearful and fragile thing. Longed for, long imagined, and now she couldn’t see, not actually. It wasn’t sight, it was some chemical reaction: a general sense of light and beauty, warmth and perfection. Her blood percussive in her ears, her eyes damp and unable to focus. Rebecca felt someone lift the baby off her. Dr. Brownmiller was saying something.
“I’m thirsty,” Rebecca said.
Christopher shouted some
thing at her. Her body was not finished with its work. Rebecca breathed—that’s what he was saying, Christopher—breathe. Now it was almost impossible to remember how to do this thing her body had always done without her active involvement. The pain was different because she thought she’d been done with it. She’d seen the baby! Rebecca looked down at her chest, and there, at her feet, were the doctor and a hundred, a thousand, other people, staring up into her body. The tableau struck her as hilarious. She heard music. Where was the music coming from?
Christopher told her to breathe. She wanted to defend herself. I’m trying. It was lost in the music. Was it—Tchaikovsky? Was music what elevated a room into a birthing suite?
The stirrups against which her feet were braced seemed to be hands pulling her body apart like a Thanksgiving wishbone. Some unseen person was counting, and Rebecca wondered where the baby was. She opened her eyes, which she had not realized were closed. There was the plash of something wet against something dry. Her knees shook. Rebecca heard a piano, tentative, tinkling, climbing. She wanted to ask about the music but couldn’t think whom to ask.
Christopher pressed his dry lips against Rebecca’s forehead.
She willed her eyes to focus. Where was the baby? She had seen the white, the void, and she had survived, and now she was impatient, and why wouldn’t she be? The fire had forged her into something else entirely (a superhero) and she didn’t have time to waste.
“He’s perfect.” Christopher had a postcoital blush after all that yelling.
Rebecca felt no lighter. There still seemed to be so many people, a dozen maybe, and she was wet with something, absurdly thirsty. She saw the tape deck across the room and knew she had not imagined the music. She saw the baby in someone’s hands and knew that she had not imagined the baby. She did not see Dr. Brownmiller. She was alone with these dozen strange women.
One of the nurses approached with the baby. Rebecca reached for him as though she knew how to hold a baby. She did not. She pulled his small body toward hers, which felt larger, now, than it had when he was inside of it. Grotesque, a marvel: like Everest, the Grand Canyon, the sheer majesty of the ocean. I could do it again. I could do anything. The baby wore a hat, which seemed hilarious, and was wrapped tight. His eyes flickered, then settled shut. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to lick him. She wanted him to always be right there in front of her. Her knees hurt like she’d been pedaling a bicycle.
“What a beauty.” Christopher patted her arm. “I should get your mom. Your sisters. They’re dying to see you.”
Rebecca nodded or said nothing, it did not matter. The nurse touched her and the touch felt like a violation. The baby’s skin on hers was euphoria, religion, blunt feeling. Anything else was intrusion. The nurse said rest or consult or something but nothing made any sense, and Rebecca stared at the wall or the ceiling, she couldn’t tell which, or she fell asleep. It wasn’t clear.
At some point, she was awake, and they were there, her sisters, her mother; it was women, at times like these, wasn’t it? Where were Christopher, her father, her sisters’ husbands? It didn’t matter! None of the women cared in the slightest.
“You did great.” Judith was holding her nephew, and of course Judith would say something like that. “Christopher told me everything. I guess you read What to Expect, after all.”
Rebecca remembered it, guiltily, that fat book, untouched and intimidating at her bedside as sacred texts always were. “Thanks.” Why fight?
“I remember how nervous I was with Jennifer! And babies are my job.” Judith laughed and passed the baby on to her younger sister.
“Can I tell you—it’s crazy, but this makes me want to have another baby. Like, immediately.” Christine had a flair for the dramatic, curly hair unruly, eyes slightly manic, her words mostly ignored, poor middle child. But come what may, Christine was in touch with her own feelings. She kissed the child’s head.
“He’s just perfect, Rebecca.” Technically, a compliment for the baby, but Rebecca remembered: Lorraine (gently, but quite clearly) on Rebecca’s gait (“Don’t stomp”), her ambition (“You could get A’s in algebra if you wanted to get A’s in algebra”), her circumspection (“Look at your sisters—so many friends!”). Recalled, this maternal scolding sounded meaner than it was. Whether Lorraine loved her was not fair to debate but still it seemed possible that Lorraine didn’t altogether like her.
Christine screwed her eyes up in an ecstasy that was not mockery. “They smell so wonderful, when they’re new.”
Rebecca itched to have the child in her hands. She wanted that smell back, the promise of it enough to make her forget the lumbar throb, the embers of pain, from her navel to her knees.
“One more grandchild to spoil.” Lorraine relieved her middle child of the baby. He didn’t stir. With her hair, quite black still, her full eyebrows, her smart plaid sweater, she didn’t look much like a grandmother.
Rebecca didn’t know if that would come to pass, sleepovers and presents from Grandma. It didn’t matter. For now, theirs was a happy little conclave, Rebecca welcomed into a circle she’d been unaware existed, the sisterhood of motherhood, or maybe it was the medication.
“Oh, careful. Watch his head.” Lorraine relinquished the baby to his mother.
Rebecca barely heard this, barely registered it. Some kind of magic! Let her mother disapprove. Let Judith enjoy the sororal advantage of always getting there first. Let Christine panic, vacillate between sisters, trying to decide which to side with, or how to assert that she, too, existed. None of this seemed to matter, suddenly. They were her family, but also, not really: her family was Christopher, her family was Jacob, this thing she had made by the magic of her body.
The next day, a nurse appeared in her room. “Your consult is in half an hour.” The woman was drying her hands on a paper towel. “I’ll bring him right back.”
“What is my consult?”
The woman left the room with the baby. Then she returned and put the baby in Rebecca’s arms. “Here you go.” Rebecca stared at the baby. He mostly slept.
“OK, Mom. She’ll be in shortly.” The nurse left. They called Rebecca Mom. Maybe to habituate her to a lifetime of being thus reduced, maybe mere efficiency, one syllable instead of three. Perhaps it was rejoinder from women not called Doctor, women known by their names like servants in an Edwardian household. It was not unkind and was truly most likely because Rebecca was but another of the women who came and went in this never-ending business of being born. It was easier than to try to commit her name to memory. Who’s Mom? Whose mom?
“Ms. Stone.” The woman entered the room with an air of confidence, of efficiency, as befitted someone whose trade entailed entering hospital rooms but also with a smile not quite on her face but certainly in her Stone. It was not a question, the way she said it, but an assertion. Of course, to enter a hospital room was often to change a life, wasn’t it?
The Ms. was a surprise. Rebecca was used to the Mrs. “Yes. That’s me.” Rebecca felt silly to be in bed. Dr. Brownmiller didn’t want her to take anything to mitigate the pain. A bit of ache is only natural, he’d said. Rebecca had tried to evaluate how much ache she was feeling. There were pictograms, in hospital rooms, to help you identify the level of your pain, but what use were doodles? She thought a bad car crash might feel better, but what did she know?
“Of course it is.” The woman deposited a package of papers on a chair. “I’m Ms. Johnson. I’m the hospital La Leche liaison. I coordinate between the obstetrics nurses and our volunteer lactation consultants. Of which I happen to be one. And you’ve been scheduled for a consult by—Emily.”
Emily had been the woman who had pulled at Rebecca’s breast the day before—that was only yesterday!—and finally pushed the thing aside with disdain. She had threatened a consult, landing hard on that first syllable: a con, that’s how it sounded. Rebecca wanted the baby to eat. She wanted to be good at motherhood.
“La Leche.” Rebecca felt her capacity for disco
urse had been reduced to reiteration. She couldn’t manage nipple + mouth; she couldn’t manage anything.
“La Leche.” Ms. Johnson had the faintest whisper of an accent, or it was the foreignness of the words themselves. “I saw you yesterday, you remember? The doctor had you out walking.”
When they first moved in together, she and Christopher lived in his old apartment in Dupont Circle, and there were mice. Rebecca had set out waxy paper traps thick with glue, and one mouse had been stuck, horribly, in the morass. That’s how she’d felt, yesterday: trying to move her legs like a doomed rodent. “Yesterday.”
“You don’t remember.” Ms. Johnson laughed. “Almost ran me down in the corridor. You were determined. You must have been the perfect patient, following doctor’s orders.”
“Oh—Princess Diana.” She remembered. “You were near that picture of Princess Diana.”
“I pinned that up.” She sounded pleased. “Modern motherhood. But maybe she makes it look too easy. Our moms don’t get their hair and makeup done before checking out. But I think she’s a nice reminder, that you’ll still be yourself, beautiful, normal, after you become a mother. Maybe even a better you than before. You’re pretty enough to be on the cover of People magazine yourself!”
Rebecca had no idea how she looked. She’d gotten so used to her stomach stretching toward every table, and now that stomach was empty.
“Let’s meet Jacob, shall we? Oh goodness.” The woman stared into the bassinet, which reminded Rebecca of the cart a stewardess pushed. “Well, he’s beautiful. Mom, I’m going to pick him up, OK?”
I’m not your mom, she wanted to say. “OK.”
“So, we’re going to work on latching. The nurse said it wasn’t working, but that’s completely normal.” She dropped her voice. “Those nurses, they have no patience. I can say that because my daughter is a nurse. They’ve got no time. But we have plenty.”
Rebecca remembered one of the nurses wielding her breast like a weapon, dragging the nipple across the baby’s chin. Wake up wake up, the woman had said and Rebecca had said, I’m awake, and the nurse had frowned because she’d been talking to the baby. “I guess.” Latching seemed not her responsibility but Jacob’s, if someone so small could be said to have responsibilities.