by Radclyffe
Chapter Six
Reluctantly, Anna conceded to Grahams wishes. When more than a week had passed with no further overture from Graham to address her personal correspondence, Anna wrote replies. Since she had no specific instructions, she simply stated that Ms.Yardley appreciated the inquiries but was not presently available. She could bring herself to neither leave the letters unanswered nor to close the door on Grahams previous life. It was too final and felt much too much like death. Grahams death. It was beyond tragic to accept that the Graham Yardley she had glimpsed in the yellowing pages of history was gone forever. Anna could not accept it, not when Anna heard her walk the halls late into the night, or awoke to the sight of her outlined against the dawn at the cliffs edge. Stubbornly Anna clung to the hope that Graham herself had abandoned, the hope that the music would someday return to Yardley.
Frustrated that she could not help Graham, she worked instead to restore her home. Summer was approaching, and Anna had taken the task to heart. She hired carpenters and painters to work both outside and in, tending to the multitude of small details that had been neglected for a decade. She finally relented and hired a landscaping crew she had seen advertised in the university paper. They would be helping her clear the wide expanse of nearly wild growth that covered the rear slopes and the bluff above the sea.
When Anna walked down one morning to the sea cliffs where Graham stood nearly every morning at dawn, she was terrified to find the path almost totally obscured with roots and vines. She couldnt imagine how Graham had avoided injury all this time. To make matters worse, the sea wall was crumbling into the surf a hundred feet below. There was precious little safety in that spot, especially for a woman who could not see. Anna knew it would be useless to ask Graham not to go there. Anna could envision the reaction that would produce! And, in truth, Anna didnt have the heart to bring it upwhatever compelled Graham to visit that desolate point of land morning after morning didnt matter. Anna couldnt ask her to give up one more thing in her life. She simply hired a contractor and had the stone abutment repaired.
Late one May morning when Graham entered her music room, she immediately sensed another's presence. She stood still just inside the door, trying to discern the unexpected visitor. Anna had made it clear to the various workers that Grahams music room was not to be violated.
"Anna?" she inquired with faint surprise.
"Yes," Anna answered uncertainly. She was standing with her back to the door and hadnt realized Graham was there until she spoke. She hadnt expected Graham at all. She was rarely about during the morning.
"What is it that youre doing?" Graham asked as she crossed the room. Her voice wasnt critical, merely curious.
"Im putting a vase of flowers on the mantle. I just picked them." she replied quietly. She was well aware that she had not been invited into Grahams study, but neither had Graham told her she was not welcome to go anywhere in the house she desired.
"To what purpose?" Graham asked darkly, "Did you think I might enjoy the color?" She didnt want reminders of what she could no longer see! Anna caught her breath as Graham stalked to the French doors, flinging them open to stand in the archway, her back to Anna.
"I thought you might enjoy the beauty of their scent. I only wish that you might enjoy the sight of them as well." Her voice quivered with both anger and uncertainty. She didnt want to hurt her, but she couldnt stand to see her deny all that remained to her. She stared at the rigid back, not realizing she was holding her breath, wondering if she had pushed this volatile, wounded woman too far. She waited for the hot flare of temper.
Graham drew a long steadying breath. "Forgive me," she said quietly. "That was unconscionably rude of me. Please accept my apology."
"I didnt mean to upset you," Anna replied. "You neednt apologize."
"I thought I could smell the roses on the wind last night," Graham said softly, her back still to Anna. The rigid stance relaxed, to be replaced by a weariness too often evident in her whip-slender frame.
Anna approached her cautiously, afraid Graham might retreat if startled. "Yes, theyre in bloom again now. Theyve been waiting so long."
"Have they?" Graham questioned, her gaze fixed on some distant point beyond the open terrace doors. "I would have thought they had simply perished by now."
"Their roots are deep, and strong," Anna said softly, wondering if they still spoke of the flowers. "The soil of Yardley is rich and fertile; it has nourished them all this time."
Graham stood very still, aware that Anna was close beside her. The air about them was filled with the perfume of new life.
"Nourishment alone is not always enough - living things need more than that. They would not have survived indefinitely without care," Graham said softly.
"No," Anna replied, swallowing the ache in her throat, "but they didnt have to." Impulsively, Anna grasped Grahams arm. "Walk with meIll show you."
Graham tensed at the first touch of Annas hand upon her arm. The sensation was so foreign it startled her. Then, with the grace born of her breeding, she tucked Annas hand in the bend of her elbow. "All right," she agreed, allowing Anna to lead the way.
As they strolled the meandering paths, Anna stopped frequently to describe the young flowers, drawing Grahams hand to the soft buds.
"Daffodils?" Graham asked as Anna brought a petal to her face.
Anna smiled. "Yes, - wait," she said, plucking another blossom. "And this?"
Graham cupped her fingers around Annas hand, bending her head over the flower nestled there. Softly, she inhaled. "Wisteria?" She looked up to Anna expectantly.
Anna stared into the questioning eyes, struck by there expressiveness. For an instant, she was certain that Graham could see her. She would give anything to make it so! Graham sensed the stirring of her emotionsAnnas hand trembled slightly in hers.
"Anna?"
Anna released the breath she hadnt realized she was holding.
"Youre very good. Right again!" she said, her voice thick with an emotion she couldnt name.
Graham slipped the blossom from Annas grasp and tucked it into the pocket of her shirt.
The simple gesture touched Anna. It pleased her unaccountably to bring the gardens to life for Graham. Each smile that passed Grahams lips, however fleeting, felt like a gift. Oddly, she was even enjoying their physical closeness. Even though Graham could maneuver the garden paths perfectly well, she made no move to remove the hand that Anna kept on her arm. Anna found herself curiously aware of the muscles rippling under her fingers as they walked. She forced herself to pay attention to the uneven terrain, trying to ignore the unusual fluttering in her stomach.
Graham stopped suddenly, a puzzled look on her face. She turned to her right and stretched out her hand.
"Where are the lilacs?"
Anna was startled that Graham should know. Grahams ability to orient herself in her environment continued to astound her. "Youre right, of course. Theyre here, but they were so badly overgrown that they havent flowered in years. I cut them back. In a year or two theyll flower again."
Graham leaned on her walking stick and sighed. So much was gone! "Im sorry. They were always so lovelythey were my favorites, I think, after the roses."
Anna place her hand over Grahams, whispering, "Theyll be back."
Graham shook her head, her expression once again dark. "There are some things, Anna, that once lost, simply cannot be restored. There is no use in struggling to reclaim them. That path leads only to greater disappointment."
"I cannot accept that," Anna insisted. "One must hope."
Graham remained silent as they made their way to the house. She knew only too well that with the passage of time, even hope would die.
********
Helen carried a tray into the music room as she did each evening, placing it on the table beside Graham. Tonight, Graham seemed lost in thought. She held a flower in her hand, tracing the petals absently with a fingertip. As Helen turned to leave, Graham called to her.
&n
bsp; "Helen?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Sit a moment, wont you?"
Surprised by the unusual request, Helen sat anxiously waiting. Although she and Graham spoke often, their conversations were always casual. Graham never discussed her deepest thoughts, and never sought Helens advice. Even as a child she tended to make announcements about her intentions, such as the time she informed her father she wasnt going back to school. She never did. She had been eight.
"Would you like some champagne?" Graham asked as she filled her glass from the bottle by her side.
"Oh goodness, noyou know how silly I get when I drink that!"
Graham smiled. "You just talk a little moreyoure never silly."
Helen leaned to touch Grahams arm gently. "Is everything all right, dear? Is there something we need to talk about?"
"Anna," Graham replied after a moment. "Do you think shes happy here? It must be very lonely for a young woman so far away from the city, with no friends nearby."
Helen had known the woman before her since the day she was born. She had seen her through triumph and great tragedy. She had watched her lock her heart and mind and great talent away in the empty rooms of this house for a dozen years. This was the first time in all those years that Graham had mentioned another person, let alone noticed someone enough to question their happiness. Annas presence had penetrated Grahams self-imposed isolation, and that was close to a miracle. Helen chose her words with care.
"She seems to love it here, Graham. Why, I can hardly remember what it was like before she came."
Graham made an impatient gesture. "Nor I. But thats not the point. Yardley is our homewe chose this place, this life, you and I. Anna didnt. We mustnt take advantage of her kindness, or hercaring."
Helen thought she had an inkling of what really concerned Graham. Anna was an unusual woman. She appreciated Grahams notoriety, had understood her fame, and yet she was not overwhelmed by it. In Grahams entire life, there had been very few who had ever dared approach her with friendship. Her imposing personality and public stature prevented ordinary relationships. People were either afraid of her intensity, or her temper - or they wanted something from her. She had had many followers, and many would-be friends, but it was rare that anyone tried to know her. Grahams personal attachments had most often been the source of her greatest disappointments. After all these years alone, she would surely distrust any type of intimacy.
"Graham, Anna is a grown woman. And shes made a lot of hard decisions in her life. Leaving a marriage is hard, even when its not a good one, and I imagine striking out on her own without much security was hard, too. But, she is strong and independent, and she knows what shes about. Shes here because she wants to be, and if she becomes unhappy, I imagine shell do something about that herself. I dont think theres anything to worry about."
Graham relaxed perceptibly. "Helen?"
"Yes, dear?"
"What does she look like?"
Helen appreciated what a difficult question that was for Graham to ask. Graham knew the description of every piece of clothing in her closet, and insisted that each item be returned from the cleaners in a certain order. She never asked for assistance in dressing, never asked for help if she needed something to eat, never asked for any help at all. The only concession she made to her lack of sight was the necessity of keeping the furniture in one place. For her to make a direct reference to her inability to see was unheard of.
"Oh, lord, that is a hard one," Helen exclaimed, nonplused.
Graham rose impatiently, reaching a hand up to the mantle, her face turned toward the fire. "I know that she is almost my height, and strong. I could feel that in her hands when she took my arm in the garden. She laughs softly when something pleases her, and she loves the land. She knew how to bring the flowers to my minds eye" She halted in frustration, unable to complete the picture of the woman who was so often near, but whom she could not see.
"You already know the best parts of her, Grahamher goodness, and warmth, and her wonderful love of life."
Graham turned around, her fists tight. "Yes, but what does she look like? What color is her hair? Her eyes? What does she wear? Helen, I cant see her!"
Helen longed to go to her, to stroke the anger and frustration away. She knew very well that Graham would not allow it, would not allow any sign of sympathy.
"Her hair is blonde, rather like honey, and cut back away from her face. Her eyes are very blue, like the ocean on an August morning. When shes excited about something, her skin flushes a light rose and her eyes sparkle. In my day, wed call her wholesome. She has the kind of strong body women have these days--you can tell shes fit, but, she flows in the right places, too."
"How long is her hair? What colors does she wear?"
"Her hair just touches her collar, and its not so much curly as wavy. It blows around in the wind, like your does, all wild and free. When shes working outside she sometimes ties it back with a bandanna round her forehead. She likes to wear those loose trousers with the drawstrings at the waist, and tee shirts, -or those mens shirts that are made for girls. Lovely colorspurples, dark greens, deep golds."
Graham had become very still as Helen talked. The tension slowly left her body.
"Does that help?" Helen asked her.
Graham nodded, concentrating on the picture forming in her mind.
"Shes not at all like Christine, is she?" Graham asked softly.
"Oh my dear, not a bit."
**********
Anna waited impatiently in the kitchen. Helen had been gone for so long! She had been starving when she came in for dinner, but the longer Helen was absent, the more anxious she became. Graham had been so subdued on their way back to the house, Anna was certain something was wrong.
"Is Graham all right?" she asked the moment Helen rejoined her.
Helen looked at her in surprise. What had gotten into the two of them? They were both so jumpy! "Yes, dear, shes fineshe just wanted to talk to me about a few household thing. Now, why dont we eat before everything is completely cold."
Forcing herself to relax, Anna poured them each some coffee and joined Helen at the kitchen table. She tried to appear nonchalant.
"I was just a little concerned. She spends so much time alone, and shes so very sensitive"
"Thats her nature," Helen commented. "All she ever wanted was to play the piano. Her father had to force her to do anything else. He adored her, though. I thought he would go mad himself after the accident. For so long we didn't know if she would live, and then when she finally opened her eyes, he was sitting right there by her bed. She put her hand out to take his. She didnt say anything for the longest time; we didnt know that anything was wrong. It did break his heart when she said, so quietly, that she couldnt see him. Oh, it was a horrible time!"
Anna closed her eyes with the pain of the image, of Graham so brutally injured, of a family so hurt. Some part of her longed to change the past, to undue the horrible suffering.
As if sensing her thoughts, Helen said, "We all felt so helpless" She shook herself, rising briskly. "It doesnt change things, does it, to wish for the past to be different?"
"What was she like, before the accident," Anna asked quietly. As each day passed she wanted to know more. She was certain that the key to Grahams silence and her pain was hidden in her past. Anna couldnt stop thinking that if she could only understand what had caused Graham to withdraw from all she had been, she would find some way to reach her. Exactly why that mattered so much to her she couldnt put into words, but she knew she had never been so affected by anyone in her life. Maybe it was just knowing what an incredible genius Graham Yardley possessed, and that the loss of such a gift went beyond personal tragedy.
Helen laughed. "She was a regular hellionshe never got on well in regular schools. Not that she wasnt bright - she was always good at whatever she tried. Its just that she never wanted to do anything except play the piano. She said once that when she looked at the world, she heard music. It was
her language, as natural to her as talking is to us. All you ever had to do was listen to her play to know what she was feeling. Its the one place she could never hide. When her father put her in the music school, with tutors at home, she did much better. From the time she was young she was in the company of adults, and she never had a childhood. She had been all over the world by the time she was fifteen. She grew up surrounded by people who wanted things from her - a piece of her fame, a piece of her passion. Her music might have been pure, but the world it thrust her into wasnt. Sometimes I feared it would destroy her!" Helen sighed. "She loved a good party, though, and, oh, what a good dancer! She made up for all the hours she spent lost in her work by being a little wild. But we all forgave her for the times she worried us, because she was such a wondershe brought us all so much happiness."
Anna tried to imagine Graham that way, infused with energy and enthusiasm. That there were great depths to her sensitivity Anna had no doubtbut Grahams passionate embrace of life had disappeared. What Anna couldnt explain was her own desire to rekindle it.
Chapter Seven
Anna respected Grahams wishes, and did not mention the abundant correspondence that still arrived regarding her former career. Graham remained for the most part an easy person to work for, and if it werent for the fact that Anna was acutely aware of Grahams deep unhappiness, she would have found Grahams company more than satisfying. On those occasions when they escaped from the drudgery of paperwork to relax on the terrace, Graham seemed sincerely interested in Annas life. Anna enjoyed their times together, only wishing for some way to make Grahams rare smile linger.