Tom caught my eye and raised an eyebrow. ‘Yeurch,’ he said, which was comforting somehow, as if Miles was our old friend again, not my other half. He held out a hand to me. ‘Let’s get out of here – go and have a walk in the garden.’
So we set off hand in hand, as if we were Tom and Lizzy aged six again, and walked out of the marquee on to the lawn, which sloped down to the gardens and the house. I could hear the soft murmur of conversation from other people outside and felt the delicious cool of the evening on my bare skin. Tom stopped to light a cigarette and I gazed down at the house.
‘I can’t believe we don’t have to leave,’ I said, feeling rather emotional but not wanting to make a song and dance about it.
‘Me either,’ said Tom. ‘It seemed so wrong, but now that it’s all been sorted out I keep thinking it’s a dream and we’ll wake up and have to leave again.’
Dad appeared behind us, a glass in his hand. He was tootling a tune under his breath. ‘Hello there,’ he said, rocking on the balls of his feet. ‘Pretty nice, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I said, nudging him. ‘You happy?’
‘Bloody delirious,’ said Dad, throwing his arms round us and squeezing. ‘Hurrah, hurrah, for your awful, nightmarish aunt and her wonderful Mary Poppins ways.’
‘Hear hear,’ said Tom.
I felt something wet on my arm and looked down. Dad, in his expansive moment of joy, had flung red wine in a long thin streak down my dress. ‘Oh, Dad, you mallet,’ I wailed. ‘My lovely dress! I’ll have to go and get a cloth.’
‘Sorry,’ said Dad, contrite. ‘I’ll look after your glass.’
I hurried down the path that led past the lavender and the walled garden, round the side of the house, past the shed with the battle-wagon in it, grabbed a towel from the collection that resided by the back door with the wellies and the recycling, wet it with water from the outside tap and dabbed my dress. Then I took off my shoes and walked back up the path, listening to the voices, trying to recognise from the moans who was snogging whom in the garden, and trying not to feel annoyed with Miles. A burly drummer from the band who were to play squeezed past me clutching a sheaf of music and his sticks as I did tiny pigeon-steps up the path, feeling the cold, soft, muddy grass beneath my poor tired feet.
I could hear Dad and Tom chatting companionably in the way men do, and stopped to admire them in their natural habitat.
‘Good solid wall that, always has been,’ Dad said ruminatively.
‘Yup.’ Tom did a head bob in agreement. I walked a little closer, smiling broadly.
‘Band sound good. I expect people’ll enjoy that too,’ Dad went on.
‘I’m sure they will,’ Tom said.
‘Hello, David,’ said Dad. ‘Haven’t seen you yet today, how are you?’
I stepped back and did a tiny slide, then a tiny shriek, and ended up gently hugging a rose bush with my bottom. ‘Ark grr sss,’ I said softly to myself, trying to stand up and hoping I wasn’t horribly drunk. So much for saving the dress.
I turned to go back down the path but there, at the bottom, were Mike and Kate, by the entrance to the back door where I’d just come from. She was crying. He had his arm round her and reached up to brush a tear away from her nose. The honeysuckle growing over the wooden posts by the kitchen garden framed them in the dusk. I prayed David, Dad and Tom would take a manly stroll round the garden.
Tom said, ‘You OK, David?’
There was silence. I looked up towards the rose bush and leant against the kitchen wall to see if I could see David’s face, but all I could make out was a quarter-profile, impossible to read.
‘Well,’ Dad said, ‘it’s lovely to see you. I know Chin’s glad you could come. Have you spoken to Suzy yet? She’ll want a word, I’m sure, to see how you are.’
David laughed, a nice laugh. ‘That’s very kind of her. I’ll go and find her in a minute.’
‘Well, it’s good to see you again,’ Dad said again. He sounded a bit stiff. ‘Yes, we liked having you around. Old Suzy misses that, you know. It’s a shame things didn’t go according to plan with – with Lizzy.’ He paused and coughed. ‘Harrumph. But I suppose that’s the way – that’s the way it happens, isn’t it. Is it?’
I bit my lip and flattened my palms against the brick of the wall. It was scratchy, sharp against my skin.
‘I know.’ It was David. I couldn’t see his expression. He was silent, and then I heard him say, almost in a rush, ‘I’ve thought about it a lot. Things just don’t go according to plan, and that’s the only way I can explain it. I – I wish it had been different, though. I still don’t understand it.’
I held my breath. Come on, Tom, say something. Don’t let him get away with it for the millionth time. ‘Well, I don’t see why,’ Tom’s voice rang out clear like a bell in the night air.
‘You’re the one who slept with someone else, David. You were having an affair behind her back.’
There was a short silence. I could feel Dad’s embarrassment even from where I was lurking.
‘What?’ David said.
‘Come on, no point in raking all this up again,’ Dad said.
‘What did you say?’ David said. He stepped forward and I could see his face more clearly, harsh, angular in the dark.
‘You were having an affair. With the girl who was your colleague,’ Tom repeated.
‘Me?’ David said. I could hardly hear him. ‘I was having an affair? When?’
Tom sounded belligerent. ‘Whatever, David. Let’s get another drink, shall we? Forget about it.’
David grabbed Tom’s arm. ‘Sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he said, as my father, who had turned away, spun back. ‘I haven’t had an affair. When I was with Lizzy? Are you mad?’
‘You slept with that bitch Lisa Garratt,’ Tom reeled off, parrot fashion.
The brick wall was painful now against my shoulder-blades but, in a strange way, I liked it: there was something almost reassuring about it.
David drew himself up to his full height. ‘John, I’m sorry about this. Look, Tom, you’re mad. She kissed me at a party – Lizzy knows that. She literally came up to me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I never slept with her and I certainly wasn’t having an affair with her. I don’t—’ he put his hand out, as if he was trying to hold on to something invisible. He sounded hoarse. ‘We – Look, this is mad. I’m not going through the reasons why, but we split up because Lizzy – well, she just fell out of love with me. I thought she loved me and then she just changed. Once I was away in New York, she lost interest. She suddenly told me it was over and I—’ He stopped. ‘I’m going.’
Tom isn’t a lawyer for nothing. He wasted no time in gawping and going, ‘Oh, my God!’ which was what I would have done. He said quickly, ‘David, get back here. Stop. Stand here, listen to me. You were caught – come on, David! You were caught at the photocopying machine at work a week later. Miles told her! Are you saying Lizzy made it all up?’
Miles.
‘What?’ David said. I could see his chest rising and falling.
Dad said, suddenly, ‘I’m afraid we know about it all, David. Not very nice.’
‘No!’ David said, and there was fury in his voice. ‘Is that what Lizzy thinks? Do you know what I went—Where is she? You think – you all think I slept with someone?’ His head fell forward. And then he looked up and into the distance, just where I was standing. He looked almost right at me, and I crouched down even further, he couldn’t find me there then, I couldn’t bear it. He said, ‘Miles. Where’s Miles?’
‘David,’ said Tom, uneasily, ‘I know you’re not happy about Miles and Lizzy but…just get over it, OK? He’s mad about her.’
‘Ah, John!’ said a fruity voice. ‘Marvellous to see you, old boy. Wonderful day. Y’sister never looked better. Stunning gel. I was wondering, would it be possible to take a look at the Edwin Walters? Rather a speciality of mine, you know.’
‘Of course, Sebastian,’ Dad
said. ‘My pleasure. Come with me. David, Tom, I’ll see you in a minute.’
Oh, my God, I thought, they’re about to come down the path. I braced myself to shrink further into the bush until I realized it’d never work. Thankfully, my father said, ‘Let’s go through the garden. It’s quite nice at this time of year, even at night.’
‘Wonderful idea. Beautiful pointing,’ said Sebastian, whoever he was.
Thank you, Lord, I muttered to myself, as Tom and David stood alone, staring at each other.
‘I mean it, David,’ Tom said again. ‘Don’t cause a scene. I know you want to. It’s all in the past. He loves her. He really does.’
‘He…he loves her.’ David stopped. ‘And you think I don’t? You think I wanted to split up with her? That it’s OK she’s…Miles! Where is he? I need to talk to him.’
He started to walk away, Tom running after him. ‘Why?’ Tom said urgently. David stopped and turned to him.
‘Miles did this,’ he said, his voice carrying on the night air. ‘He must have told Lizzy. Getting caught in the photocopying room shagging someone? You really think I’d do that to Lizzy? Anyway, that’s how I know.’
‘Know what?’ said Tom.
David spoke slowly: ‘How I know it must have been Miles. He was cautioned at work last year for doing the same thing. My God.’ He passed a hand across his forehead. ‘My own brother. Come on.’
From the marquee a microphoned voice rang out: ‘Come on! Laydeez-n-gennlemen, there’ll be no first dance tonight, so instead get ready to rock around the clock as the Frank Walden Band gets this party started with some Stevie Wonder! “Superstition”, coming right up!’
I stood up and stared after them as they disappeared, David striding ahead, Tom trotting behind him. I looked at my hand. It was covered in little red blood spots. The red wine stain on my dress had dried. It was funny to think that ten minutes ago it hadn’t been there.
THIRTY-THREE
I scurried up the path and ran towards the marquee, my shoes in my hand, heart pounding. The band was in full swing: Rosalie and Gibbo were doing synchronized disco movements together. (‘First dance? Stumble around the floor with two-left-feet Gibbo? While everyone watches and laughs and points? You must be joking.’) But I was too late. David and Miles were outside, flanked by Tom and Jess. David wasn’t shouting, but his voice sent a chill through me.
‘What do you mean, it was just a bit of fun?’ he was saying.
I couldn’t see Miles’s face. ‘Look, mate,’ he said, putting up his hands in a gesture of self-defence. ‘It’s all in the past now, isn’t it? Let’s forget about it, OK?’
‘No, I fucking won’t forget about it,’ David said. ‘Listen to me, you little shit. What did you tell Lizzy last year? It was you, wasn’t it? She thinks I had a fucking affair with someone and you told her that, didn’t you?’ He grabbed the lapels of Miles’s jacket and pulled him up so they were face to face.
‘David, stop it,’ I yelled. ‘Stop it now, put him down. What are you doing?’
‘Lizzy, you fool,’ David said, and let go of Miles so suddenly that he staggered and almost fell over. He came over to me. ‘Is that what you’ve been thinking? Is that what he told you? God, all this time I’ve been trying to understand why you ended it, and it was because of this?’
‘Yes,’ I said, as the song finished and the crowd in the marquee whooped loudly. ‘But you admitted it. You told me you were sleeping with someone else.’
‘What? What?’ He turned back to Miles. ‘Miles?’ His voice was slow, broken. ‘Do you realize what you’ve done?’
‘I didn’t do anything,’ Miles’s hair was wild in the moonlight. ‘I must have got the wrong end of the stick, mate. Right? Honestly. I thought you were shagging someone else. That you just weren’t keen on her any more.’
‘No!‘ David shouted. I jumped. ‘For God’s sake, no! You’ve lied to her all along and now you’re lying to me. Lizzy, do you really not understand? It’s all a lie. And you believe it. My God—’ He broke off and collected himself as I stared at him, trying to re-evaluate the events of the last year.
‘Look,’ said Miles, smoothing his hair. ‘You need to calm down, David. It’s all in the past now. Lizzy’s with me, and we’re in love. You weren’t the right one for her – was he, Lizzy? – and we’re happy. So it’s all worked out anyway, even if I did help it along. To get what I wanted. Just once.’ He put his arm round me and pulled me towards him.
I pushed him away. ‘Get off me.’
Miles looked at me with amusement, but there was fear in his eyes too, and desperation, as if he was trying to walk a tight-rope. ‘Come on, Lizzy. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but…hasn’t this all worked out for the best?’
‘I don’t love you.’ I said. David was breathing heavily as if he had been running.
‘I know,’ Miles said soothingly. ‘I know you don’t just yet, but you will. I’m here to look after you, to take care of things. Like this. Look, shall we…’ He glanced around. ‘Tom, do you think it’d be OK if we slipped off a little early? I’ll take Lizzy back to the hotel.’
‘I don’t love you,’ I said again.
‘Yes, I know,’ Miles said, a little impatiently.
‘But I was in love with him,’ I said.
‘Right,’ said Miles. I don’t think he was even listening properly.
‘Miles,’ I said slowly, ‘I was in love with him. Don’t you understand?’
‘No, you weren’t,’ said Miles.
‘She was,’ David said, and I jumped at the sound of his voice so close to mine. ‘She was,’ he repeated conversationally. ‘I loved her too, if that matters to you at all. You know. No big deal. But it’s too late now.’ He turned to face me, and said quietly, only to me, ‘Lizzy, how could you have believed him? How could you think I’d do that to you?’
‘I don’t know.’ I couldn’t bear to see his face. I closed my eyes.
‘Look at me, Lizzy. How could you think that? Didn’t you know how much I loved you?’
It was heartbreaking. ‘I didn’t want to believe him,’ I said, my voice breaking, ‘but it was so weird after you went away, and you were fine, and I didn’t want to show you how much I missed you.’ The words were tumbling out. I couldn’t stop them. ‘And I thought I was fine because I knew you loved me, but when I thought you didn’t, that I’d got it all wrong – oh, I don’t know. I can’t do this any more.’ There were tears running down my cheeks and I wiped them off with the back of my hand. I didn’t feel cross or angry, I just felt tired.
I stared up into his dark brown eyes, searching for something to hold on to, a small piece of hope.
‘I can’t believe you thought I’d do that. To you. To you, Lizzy. I can’t believe you’re that weak. It’s too late. I’m sorry.’
He turned and walked away. I watched him stoop to go under the honeysuckle and then he disappeared. He would walk through the courtyard, past the mulberry tree in full flower, with the windows of the house watching him. He would walk out of the gate, down the lane, where the lacy white cow parsley and the elderflowers gleamed eerily in the moonlight, and the light green of the oak trees shone luminously in the dark. He would walk down that path, over the tiny bridge across the river, in the moonlight back to his mother’s cottage and I knew I might never see him again.
I understood everything now. And there was almost nothing I could do about it. Almost nothing.
A voice spoke behind me. ‘Come on, Lizzy. Come and have a drink. Let’s talk about it,’ said Miles, stroking my shoulder.
I grabbed his lapel, just as David had, and kept my voice steady, although I wanted to scream. ‘Miles,’ I said, ‘I’m trying to understand you. I know you’re jealous of David. I know you wanted what he had. Just tell me one thing. Do you really think you’re in love with me, or do you think you’ve got one over on your big brother for once?’
‘What do you mean?’ said Miles, slowly.
‘I mean,’ I said, ‘
if you think you’re in love with me, then I’m afraid you’re about to get your heart broken just like you did with me and David. If you wanted to get one over on your brother, well, you’ve failed. Because you’ll never, ever be half the man he is.’
‘That’s got nothing to do with it.’
‘I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine, Miles,’ I said, trying not to shout at him, pull his hair, scratch the complacent smile off his face.
‘You’re overreacting,’ Miles said. I gaped. ‘Let’s—’
‘No, let’s not,’ said Tom suddenly. ‘Just go, Miles.’
‘Yes,’ said Jess, anxiously. I hadn’t even noticed she was there. ‘Honestly Miles. Go away. We don’t want you here, I’m sorry.’
‘OK, OK,’ said Miles, as if he hadn’t heard them. ‘Listen, chaps, I think I’ll go now. Lizzy, are you sure—’
‘God, Miles, you’re pathetic!’ Tom said. ‘You really are. Have some self-respect! Go away!’
I looked at Miles again, and he reminded me of the chubby twelve-year-old he’d been when we first knew him, not the devious, sad man he’d become. I felt sorry for him – and so glad that I didn’t have to be with him any more that, momentarily, it dulled the pain I was feeling about David, a pain that had faded over the last year but was fresh again, stabbing me in the side, like a kind of stitch.
‘Don’t hate me, Lizzy. I do really love you,’ he said. ‘It wasn’t just about David. It’s about you. I – I love you.’
‘Oh, Miles,’ I said. ‘No, you don’t. You’ll see.’
‘You’re wrong,’ Miles said. He inhaled deeply and drew himself up to his full height. I could tell he was trying to stay cool. ‘Well, ‘bye then.’
‘’Bye,’ I said shortly, as if we were delegates on a paper-clip conference. I thought of him going back to our room at the Oak Grange, sitting on the edge of the bed, watching the cricket highlights with his tie loosened and a beer in his hand. Would he be OK? Of course he would. Would he do something like this again? I didn’t know, and the deadening feeling I had inside swelled into something else.
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