“Yes!” the loony monk cries.
I glare at her.
She quickly shakes her head. “Sorry. But you are feeling sad, right?” She wipes a tear from my face and holds it up to me like a prize.
I nod slowly. “Yes. I was thinking about never getting back to my real family.”
She whoops. “This is good! You are feeling again!”
She’s crazy, but she’s right. I feel that pressure build in my chest and my face feels warm. But along with my sadness I also feel despair and hopelessness, and that makes me mad. Anger starts to bubble up inside of me. “Who cares that I’m feeling again! I don’t want to be in this body. I want me and my soul to go back to my real body!”
The monk looks at me blankly. “Your soul is still in that body.”
I groan. “What? How can that be if my soul is in this body?” I drop my head into my hands. “I’m so confused!”
She gently lifts my head until I’m facing her again.
“Lottie, your soul is you.” She lays her wrinkled hand on my heart again. “Wherever you are.”
I’m about to whine that I still don’t understand when she holds up a finger.
“Let me finish, impatient one. Your soul has a shell that it considers home, so it is sad to leave a shell that it loves. That you love. Since you are one and the same.”
I feel a sliver of hope. “So, my soul is here as Pema, but it’s also back in my Lotus body?”
She waves her hand in the air. “More or less. Your soul is you and you are your soul, but in your case, your soul is old enough and strong enough that, yes, it left an essence of itself back in your Lotus body.”
My spirits soar. “That means I can go back? This is great! No more waking up in bodies, not knowing who I am, or what I may find.” I shiver thinking of the horrors I saw in Kabul, and know I never want to go there again. “So, if my soul is me then I can just tell myself that I want to go back to my real life?”
She arches her eyebrows. “Well yes…”
I sigh. “There’s a big old ‘but’ coming, isn’t there?”
She laughs but it sounds more like a hacking giggle. “I guess you could say it that way.” Her eyes grow serious. “Do you really want to go back to your Lottie life in Colorado?”
“Yes!”
“To the pain of Dillon choosing the boy over you?”
“Yes,” I answer a bit more quietly.
“Where your brother is disappointed, and your Mama thinks you are selfish?”
“Um, yes… I think so,” I whisper.
“To the consequences that will come with almost killing your boyfriend?”
I open my mouth to explain that I didn’t mean to hurt him and she holds up a hand to stop me.
“Whether it was an accident, or not.”
I close my mouth.
She nods. “If you want to return to that life, then you can. All you have to do is stop burying your pain and sadness. You must re-awaken all of your emotions, and feel everything that life offers you. Only then will your soul believe you can return.”
Crap. I don’t like the sound of this. “All of my emotions?”
“Yes.”
“Even the bad ones that really should be buried?”
She frowns at me. “Do we have to start at the beginning again?”
I sigh. “No. I get it.”
I think I finally understand, and I don’t like it. I worked really hard as Lottie to bury all my bad emotions so that I could have a perfect, happy life. And then I saw Dillon kiss that boy, and I felt so angry that I lashed out at him, and I screwed it all up. Then because I allowed myself to feel pain, I broke my promise to Berg. And because I felt sadness, I disappointed Mama. I hurt so many people because I allowed those negative emotions to win. How could that be good in any way?
“I wondered if you still might feel that way,” the old monk whispers, even though I didn’t say anything out loud. She frowns. “There is another option.”
Hope flares in me. “What is it?”
“You can choose to continue on this path of burying your emotions and disliking your true self. You can try to never feel anger, pain, or sadness, but your soul will continue to flit around the world, trying out different bodies and different lives. It will be a struggle between your soul hoping you will feel everything again and you fighting to bury your feelings.”
“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad,” I murmur.
She shakes her head.
“No?” I sigh. “Why not?”
The stars in her pupils seem to fade a bit. “If you do that, you may never go home again.”
CHAPTER 20
Buddha may have the right idea
The old monk leaves me. I think her exact words were, “You ponder. I’ll nosh.”
Part of me still believes I’m stuck in a dream… but the other part of me is in shock and awakening to the possibilities that the old monk just opened. I don’t want to give up my old life as Lottie, but a life without any crappy emotions sounds darn good.
“I thought I might find you sitting here.”
Fah’s voice surprises me, but I don’t jump. I guess I’m not totally feeling every emotion yet. I turn around and find her standing on the path behind me.
“May I join you?” she asks
I nod.
She folds her hands in prayer, bows to the Buddha, and then sits down next to me. She chuckles. “Moments alone with the venerable old gal can be mind-numbing, right?”
“You have no idea,” I mutter.
She snorts, which totally surprises me given her calm demeanor. “Oh, yes, I probably do.”
That makes me wonder what secrets she may be hiding. I doubt they are as ludicrous as mine, but she doesn’t ask me, so I don’t ask her.
She motions to the reclining Buddha. “Do you know this statue symbolizes Buddha’s last moments on earth, right before he entered Nirvana?”
I shake my head. “I thought he was just tired and about to take a nap.”
She laughs out loud. “That’s almost exactly what Rinzen said.” A soft smile forms on her lips. “There are many ways Buddha can be depicted. This reclining Buddha represents the moment Buddha left earth for the final time and entered the state of enlightenment known as Nirvana. By doing so, he escaped the endless cycle of birth, death, and rebirth, and was set free from the confines of human misery and pain.” She bows her head and whispers so quietly that I wonder if I’m supposed to hear her. “I hope to be set free someday, too,”
I gaze at the Buddha. His eyelids are half-closed, and he does have a very relaxed look on his face. Kind of like the purring kitten snuggled up in my lap. If I never had to feel human misery and pain again I wonder if I would look the same? All content and totally chilled-out.
Fah raises her head and grins. “Okay, then. Monk lesson over. Rinzen and I have another rescue, and we thought you might want to join us.” She raises her eyebrows. “Or you can stay here until someone fetches you to help with the laundry. We hand wash all the robes, and trust me, that is a very smelly task.”
CHAPTER 21
Can we keep him?
Rinzen grins at Fah. “Don’t you think this rescue is way cuter than our last one?”
I know she’s joking, but I have to agree. There’s no way I could ever be cuter than a baby elephant.
We’re standing in the tiny backyard of this tiny house, where this not-so-tiny baby elephant takes up almost all the yard. The baby is probably three times the size of a great Dane, but so stinking adorable that I want to put it on my lap and hug it close.
A young woman who introduced herself as Jampa found the baby elephant.
“I named him Kam-Tong,” Jampa says. She looks to be about Rinzen’s age and is wearing a bright yellow skirt, a white blouse, and black pumps. “I found him wandering the street last week. I’ve asked around, but no one seems to know where he came from.” Her eyes narrow. “Although someone obviously wasn’t taking very good care of him.”
She’s right about that. His ribs look ready to break through his gray skin.
Jampa sighs. “I’ve been trying to care for him around my classes, but I just can’t do it all. I know he needs a proper home with space to run, and play, and grow up.” She lowers her eyes. “Plus, I’m still living with my parents and they won’t let me keep him any longer.”
Rinzen pats Jampa on the shoulder. “I’m happy you called. We have plenty of space for him at the monastery.”
Jampa smiles shyly. “I heard that you have another elephant there?”
“Yep.” Rinzen smiles. “And I bet she’d love to call this little guy her own.”
Jampa clasps her hands together. “Oh, that would be so wonderful for him.”
Rinzen motions to Kam-Tong. “May I approach him?”
Jampa nods. “Of course. But I think he’s blind in his right eye, so approach him on the left.”
“Good to know. Thanks.”
Rinzen walks slowly towards Kam-Tong. The baby elephant raises his ears. She approaches from the left like Jampa suggested, murmuring as she grows close. Kam-Tong raises his trunk out in front of him.
“He’s trying to catch her scent,” Jampa whispers to Fah and me.
Kam-Tong watches Rinzen approach with his left eye, but he doesn’t move. The skin on his back twitches when Rinzen places a large rope over his neck.
“He’s very docile,” Rinzen announces. She leans against him, and Kam-Tong closes his left eyelid. Rinzen grins. “And super sweet.”
“I know,” Jampa sniffles, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I’m really going to miss him.”
Fah places her arm gently around Jampa’s shoulders. “There’s no need for you to miss him. You live close, and you are always welcome to come visit.”
Jampa’s face lights up. “Really?”
Fah laughs. “Of course.” She winks. “You must be able to see your baby.”
They start discussing visitation details so I walk over to join Rinzen and Kam-Tong. I approach him the same way Rinzen did, but instead of raising his trunk, he just watches me.
Rinzen points to his tail swishing back and forth. “That means he’s happy. I think he likes you.”
I grin. My heart feels full and warm. The old monk is right. I am getting my feelings back. And I like feeling happy again.
We say goodbye to Jampa, and Rinzen leads our new gentle giant out onto the sidewalk. We are only a few blocks from the monastery, and Kam-Tong walks quietly the entire way, until Fah reaches out to unlock the gate and our sweet baby suddenly comes to life. He waggles his head, swishes his tail, and bumps into Rinzen just hard enough that she falls into Fah who falls into me. We all tumble to the ground like a bag of spilled apples. Then Kam-Tong rubs his baby tusks on the ground and dumps himself upside down right next to us.
Fah and I quickly jump up to avoid being squashed by the baby steamroller, but Rinzen just sits up and laughs.
“It’s okay. He’s playing.”
She’s still holding onto his rope, but Kam-Tong is writhing all over the road, looking very much like a dog getting in a good back scratch. His legs are high in the air as his body wriggles all around. He looks so silly and happy that I actually burst out laughing.
My feelings are definitely coming back!
Fah straightens her robe. “I think this little rascal knocked us over on purpose.”
Almost as if he understands her, Kam-Tong stands up, starts wagging his tail, and nudges his head gently into Fah’s shoulder.
Rinzen beams. “I think he’s apologizing.”
Fah smiles. “Clever fellow.” She nudges Kam-Tong back, and he closes his left eye. They both look really happy.
“He’s clever, and spunky,” Rinzen says like a proud mom. And I can tell she’s already fallen in love with him.
Fah smiles at Rinzen. “And a whole lot of sweet like someone else I know.”
Rinzen blushes. A look of love passes between them, and that makes me miss my mama. A twinge of sadness wants to burble up, but I tamp it down. I’m not ready for sadness yet.
Fah walks over and opens the gate. “Welcome to your new home, Kam-Tong.”
Rinzen leads Kam-Tong through the gate, and I follow. Fah locks up behind us.
“I’m going to show him the grounds, and introduce him to Kammoon,” Rinzen says. “Do you two want to tag along?” Her grin grows mischievous. “Or I’m sure there’s still laundry to be done.”
Fah raises her eyebrows at me. “Oh dear. What a difficult decision.”
I tap my chin. “Yes. Washing stinky robes, or playing with the cutest baby elephant in the world?” I purse my lips. “How will we ever decide?”
Fah sighs. “I know laundry is your favorite activity, Pema, but I strongly feel that we must go with our dear friend, Rinzen. She obviously needs our help.”
I sigh. “Yes. I think you may be right.”
Fah laces her arm through mine. “Laundry fun must wait. Rinzen needs us.”
Rinzen snorts. “Just what we need. A kid and an old broad getting in our way.” She looks at Kam-Tong. “Should we let them come?”
Kam-Tong nods yes, his ears flapping, and that makes us all laugh.
Rinzen leads our elephant parade around the side of the house and into the trees. Fah and I walk arm-in-arm behind Rinzen and Kam-Tong. Being so close to Fah brings me such comfort, and watching Kam-Tong swish his tail back and forth across his cute bum makes my heart feels so light. I open my heart to the peacefulness and love and happiness, and I embrace it all.
Suddenly, Kam-Tong stops, and raises his trunk in the air.
“Kammoon’s close,” Rinzen whispers. “You two go behind that tree, just in case…” she trails off.
Fah leads me over to the tree. “I don’t think we want to know how she was going to finish that sentence.”
I raise my eyebrows. “I think you’re right.” I feel a little afraid. I guess that’s good, and bad. “Will Rinzen be okay?”
Fah nods. “Oh yes. Elephants are Rinzen’s world. She knows exactly what she’s doing.”
Kammoon approaches at a trot. Her trunk is in the air, and her ears are pricked forward. Rinzen barks a few commands, and Kammoon slows to a walk. When I don’t see either elephant wagging their tails, which I now know means they’re happy, I find myself holding my breath.
Kammoon walks right up to Kam-Tong. She reaches out her long trunk and explores every inch of Kam-Tong’s body. Kam-Tong stands very still, one ear listening to Rinzen’s murmuring and one ear pointing toward Kammoon. Suddenly, Kammoon raises her head in the air and trumpets loudly.
I’m wondering if Fah and I should climb up the tree when something beautiful happens.
Kammoon wraps her long, grey trunk around Kam-Tong’s back legs, and squeezes him close. She caresses Kam-Tong with her trunk. First, around his belly. Then, over his shoulder and under his neck. She touches his mouth. Comforting him. Loving him immediately and accepting him without any regard to his past. Just like Rinzen and Fah did with me.
Rinzen grins as wide as Kammoon. “She wants to be his mother.”
“She will be a very good mama,” Fah murmurs.
Mama. Just hearing the word brings a shot of sadness into my heart.
Fah must see it in my face. She pulls me close to her, and envelops me in a hug. A warm, loving hug. I melt into her, not realizing how much I longed to feel someone comfort me until she held me.
“You are safe now, Pema,” she whispers. “And you can stay here with us for as long as you want.”
I like the sound of that.
She holds me tight for a few moments before releasing me. A grin spreads across her face as she says, “And I mean that with both of my monk hearts.”
I giggle at how silly I was asking that question, feeling my sadness dissipate. I give her another hug. “Thanks. I needed that.”
Fah’s face lights up. “I just had the most wonderful idea. Maybe you would like to help Rinzen care for t
he elephants? Now that there are two, I am sure she would welcome your assistance.”
Rinzen nods. “Yeah! That would be great! I can teach you what to do. You can be Kam-Tong’s mahout.”
“Me?” I laugh. “I’ve never even had a dog. There’s no way I can care for an elephant that’s going to be bigger than most SUVs and live another 40 years.” I nudge Fah. “I think you should do it.”
Fah inhales very slowly. I think maybe she’s contemplating it, but then she exhales and tears fills her eyes.
“I cannot.”
“Why? You’re so sweet and caring. You would be a perfect mahout.” I glance over at Rinzen expecting her to back me up, but I see tears in her eyes, too. She quickly turns away and presses her face into Kammoon’s side.
Rinzen is crying?
Fah gently takes my hands in hers. She tries to smile, but it doesn’t look like she feels it. “Pema, I would love to learn how to be a perfect mahout, but I will not be here long enough.”
I feel panic rising. Another emotion back, and not a good one.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “Where are you going?”
“I have pancreatic cancer,” she whispers through a haze of tears. “I will likely die in a few months.”
My chest constricts. A ball of rotten acid grows in my stomach, and huge tears of sadness and anger and pain swell up in my eyes.
And I. Hate. It.
I hate that I’ve gotten to know her, and that I like her so very much, and that I had fun with her, and felt comforted by her. And now I’m feeling all these painful emotions. It aches so much to know that she’s dying. And I don’t want to feel this way! I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel Fah’s pain, or Rinzen’s sadness, or my anger.
I don’t want to feel anything.
So, I run. As fast as I can. As far as I can. I close my eyes, run, and wish myself far, far away.
CHAPTER 22
Home is not where I should be now
“Are you sure she was there?”
Is that my mama?
“I don’t know.”
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