She nods.
I grin. “Iceland invented that phrase.” I notice one more cracker hiding in the box. I pull it out and hold it out to Camille. “One left. I’m pretty sure this sweet girl won’t hurt you.”
Camille shakes her head. “No, thank you. No offense to Bridgit, but I really have no desire to experience it all.”
“No offense taken,” Bridgit laughs behind us.
Camille blushes. “Sorry, you weren’t supposed to hear that.”
Bridgit waves it off. “Didn’t offend me, but won’t you be sorry if you don’t try it?”
Camille shakes her head. “Nope. The thought of it makes me so anxious that I know doing it will frighten me, and I don’t like feeling scared.”
I get that. I hated feeling anxious. No. I meant, Lottie hated feeling anxious.
“But if you’ve never tried it, how do you know how you’ll feel?” Bridgit prods.
Camille shrugs. “I don’t. But at least I won’t be scared.”
I understand, and that’s why I’m here. I may be missing out on experiencing some things, but I’m choosing to live in happy bodies so that I don’t have to experience any anxiety, or pain, or sadness. And right now I’m exploring a new place, meeting new people, and hopefully will be kissing a very cute, Swiss boy soon. So far missing out on the bad in order to be happy is all good!
Bridgit heads back to the Jeep and I feed the last cracker to the sweet mare.
“They’re really cute together, don’t you think?” Camille murmurs.
I nod. “Especially this time of year when they haven’t shed their coats yet. I think they look like big, well-loved teddy bears.”
“What?”
“Well, they still have their winter hair. That’s why they’re so shaggy.”
She bursts out laughing. “Oh! You’re talking about the horses.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Um, yeah. What are you taking about?”
“Them.” She nods her head towards the Jeep where Bridgit, Bjorn, and Nils are all leaning against the Jeep.
Them? Bridgit is standing next to Bjorn, laughing at something he said, and Nils is standing next to Bjorn, grinning. Oh! She must mean Bridgit and Bjorn. I’m wondering if Bridgit told her that she likes Bjorn, but before I can ask, Bjorn motions to us.
“We better get going,” he says.
I give the sweet mare one more pat and follow Camille up the hill.
“Want to me to drive?” I offer when I reach the Jeep, and then suddenly realize that I’m only fifteen in this body and I can’t drive. Oops. Guess that download didn’t hit in time. Wonder what else I’m missing?
Bjorn snorts. “I don’t think so. You still have two more years, sister.”
Two years?! Am I’m only fourteen?!
“At least you can drive here when you’re seventeen,” Nils laments. “Camille and I had to wait until we were eighteen in Switzerland.”
Oh, okay. Whew. I am fifteen.
Wait a minute.
“You’re eighteen?” I marvel, suddenly feeling butterflies in my stomach. An older guy likes me. V-e-r-y cool.
Nils laughs. “Yeah. Five years ago.”
Gulp. A much older guy.
Bjorn tilts his head. “You’re twenty-three like me?”
Nils nods and grins. “Just like you.”
Bjorn’s cheeks pinken again, and that fuzzy thought dashes through my brain, but I’m too busy watching Nils’ cute bootie climb into the Jeep to pay attention.
CHAPTER 28
Haven’t I been here before?
The sun is playing peek-a-boo with the snow clouds, but it doesn’t matter. The scenery outside my window is spectacular.
We’re driving on a road that looks like a snake slithering between snowcapped mountains on one side and the dark sea on the other. Black volcanic rocks surround us. Massive boulders on the mountainside of the road grow increasingly smaller on the other side until they dissolve into black volcanic beaches plunging into the cold sea.
It’s funny that this stark scenery takes my breath away because I know this body has seen this all before. You’d think Gunna would be bored by the same old thing, but maybe she’s a little like Lottie. No matter how much time Lottie spent at Conifer Lake, she still thought it was one of the most beautiful places on earth. Maybe Gunna thinks the same thing about Iceland. Which I guess is good because I’m Gunna, not Lottie.
I point to a hill of ice jutting out of the mountain like a massive frozen waterslide.
“That’s one of the glacial tongues of the Vatnajökull glacier,” I explain.
“It’s huge!” Bridgit exclaims.
“Yeah, it is. It’s probably as wide as one hundred Jeeps, but the entire glacier is 8,100 square kilometers. Which is like a million Jeeps! So, this tongue is really just a teeny baby tongue on a massive dinosaur.”
Bjorn rolls his eyes. “I don’t think it’s a million Jeeps.”
I shrug, and grin. “It’s probably close. Anyway, Vatnajökull is the largest glacier in Iceland, and one of the largest in Europe. Which is why we’ve been driving for over thirty minutes and we still haven’t passed all of it.”
Bjorn makes a left onto a small, dirt road that will lead us up to the icy tongue.
“Settlers back in the 11th century found forests and great soil in Iceland,” I continue. “Then the glaciers started growing during the ice age, and the glacier tongues basically gobbled up all those farms.” I turn in my seat. “Did you know glaciers can sometimes move over teo-hundred meters a week?”
“And that’s like a million Jeeps!” Bjorn pipes in with a laugh.
“Maybe even two million!” Nils adds.
I grin. “Funny, you two. I think it’s more like twenty-five Jeeps.”
Bridgit whistles. “Blimey. That’s still a long way for what seems like an inanimate object to move in just a week.”
I nod. “That’s because glaciers are a perfect example of the natural process of growing and changing. Strong rivers run beneath the glacial tongue, and those rivers constantly change the landscape so much that Iceland even has movable bridges.”
“And those same rivers also like to sweep postmen into the sea to their deaths,” Bjorn adds in a creepy voice.
“Whaat?” Camille stammers.
Bridgit rolls her eyes. “He’s just trying to scare you again.”
I bite my lip. “Actually, this time he’s telling the truth. Jökulhlaup is an Icelandic word we use to describe a glacial flood. These days we know that jökulhlaup happens every year or two, mostly in the spring or summer, but long ago they didn’t know…” I trail off, not really wanting to go into any sad details. I don’t do sad anymore.
Bjorn unfortunately continues my thought. “Our glaciers are on top of volcanoes. When the volcano erupts, tons of water rushes down the glacier drowning everything,” he lowers his voice, “and everybody in its path.”
Bridgit’s eyes grow big as saucers. Camille gasps.
I punch Bjorn. “Quit scaring everyone!” I turn back to the girls. “That’s not going to happen today. The part of the glacier we’re going to is very safe.”
“Well, maybe I’ll just stay in the Jeep anyway,” Camille murmurs. “No sense asking for trouble.”
“And I better keep her company,” Bridgit adds.
Uh oh. I don’t like the fear that they’re feeling. Maybe it’s time for me and my soul to take a first class ticket out of here. But I really don’t want to leave yet. I need to see if I can get Nils to like me.
“You took it too far,” I hiss at Bjorn, quiet enough that only he can hear me. What is it about boys that they think scaring girls will suddenly make a girl fall in love? Geeesh!
Bjorn quickly glances over at me, sees I’m not kidding, and immediately looks chagrined. “Gunna’s right,” he quickly says. “Sorry if I scared you. I personally guarantee that we are safe here. I promise.”
“Do you promise on Nils’ life?” Camille asks.
“Hey!”
Nils says. “Why my life?”
Camille shrugs, but winks at me.
Bjorn doesn’t even hesitate. “Most definitely.”
“Okay,” Bridgit says, sounding more relaxed. “I believe you. I’ll get out at the glacier.”
Camille still looks a little nervous, but she nods her head. “Okay. Me, too.”
I sigh in relief, happy that the mood is light again. It would have been a bummer if I had to leave before kissing Nils.
Bjorn pulls into a dirt parking area that hugs the base of the glacier. The landscape here is surreal. The glacial tongue looks like a wavy, blue carpet of ice filling the valley between two, snow-capped mountains. Although this ribbon of ice looks short compared to the towering mountains, the tongue is taller than a five-story building and wider than most downtown cities.
Bjorn cuts off the motor and turns to face our passengers. “This is where you will all learn how to walk on ice, so meet at the back of the Jeep to get your crampons.”
“And be sure to dress warmly,” I add. “The sun may disappear behind the mountain before we’re back, and that makes it feel even more cold.”
Bjorn and I hurry to the back of the Jeep. I hand out the poles and axes, while Bjorn helps everyone put crampons over their snow boots. Once everyone is fitted with gear, I slip on my crampons and lead the group over to the edge of the glacier.
“While we wait for Bjorn to lock up, I’ll teach you the basics of walking with crampons,” I announce. “Think of it as having four-wheel-drive for your feet, which means you must walk differently than you normally do.” I pick up my foot and plant it firmly on a patch of icy snow in front of me. “You must keep at least one foot on the ice with all the crampon spikes, called points, on the ice at all times. And shorten your steps so that you keep your center of gravity over the points that are in contact with the ice. Now everyone try walking, but stay here on the ice that’s covered in snow.”
Nils and Bridgit are gung ho to try it. Bridgit gets the hang of it after only a few steps, but Nils is lifting his knees all the way up to his chest and then slamming his points into the snow so hard that slivers of ice explode underneath his feet. I rush over.
“You’re doing great, Nils, but you’re so strong that if you keep slamming your foot into the ice like that, you’re going to crack it.” I give him what I hope is a flirty smile.
His forehead furrows. “Really?”
I giggle. “Sorry. No, not really. But try walking a little more softly and don’t lift your knees so high.” I raise my foot and push it into the snow. “More like this.”
“It doesn’t seem like they’re going to hold me,” he says. “I feel like I’m going to slip if I don’t cram them into the ice.”
I nod. “I know it feels that way, but these points are so sharp, they’ll grip even the slickest patch of ice.” I point to a patch of ice without any snow. “Why don’t you try it there? And if you want, you can hold on to me until you feel more comfortable.”
He looks relieved and grabs my arm. I feel a sizzling zing that makes me shiver all the way to my toes. I really like it, but this is how Lottie felt when she used to hold Dillon’s hand, and I know how that ended.
No! Get a grip on your memories. I’ve left that life behind. I’m not anxious, or in pain, or suffering from Oh my GAD. I may still love cheesy puffs, but I’m not Lottie anymore.
I smile at Nils. “Ready to try it again?”
He nods, focuses on his feet, and takes a few steps. After a few more tries, he’s walking on his crampons with no problems.
“You got it,” I say proudly, hoping he’s so grateful for my help that he’ll fling his arms around me and give me a well-deserved kiss. Instead, he let’s go of my arm.
“Now I’m okay?” he asks, his hazel eyes bright with excitement.
I grin. “Yep. You look like you were born to walk on ice.”
He hugs me, and I feel searing warmth spread everywhere as a little butterfly does a happy dance in my stomach.
“Thanks so much for helping me!” He glances around us, and his cheeks pinken when he whispers, “I would have hated to make a fool of myself in front of Bjorn.”
What?
And then all of a sudden that little fuzzy thought I’ve been missing becomes crystal clear. Nils likes Bjorn. Bjorn likes Nils. Because my brother, Bjorn, is gay.
I stumble away from Nils. This may not be a surprise to this Gunna body, but I am shocked to my core at this déjà vu.
Nils doesn’t like me. He likes Bjorn. Dillon didn’t like me either. He liked that boy.
My heart starts racing. I can see Nils’ moving his mouth, but all I hear is the blood rushing through my ears.
CHAPTER 29
Everyone deserves to be loved
I see darkness. And those little black and grey swirly things that always appear when you close your eyes. My soul must have jumped bodies again.
I’m wondering why I felt so nauseous the last time my soul jumped and not this time, but then I hear Bjorn call my name.
“Gunna! Can you hear me?”
Crap. I’m still here in Iceland. I debate faking sleep, or possibly my death, until I can get my soul to jump, but then I feel something really cold on my forehead and my arm instinctively jerks to wipe it off.
“The magic of snow,” Bjorn chuckles. “Come on. Open your eyes.”
I really don’t want to. I would rather not deal with being rejected by a boy again. Nothing happy is bound to come out of that. I fake stillness again.
Okay, Soul. Time to scram-o. Get outtta town. Vammooose!
“Bjorn, stop it! That’s really cold!”
Oh crap. I’m pretty sure that was me yelling.
Bjorn laughs. “It’s snow. It’s supposed to be cold. But it’s working. Are you going to open your eyes, or do you want another?”
I know Bjorn’s just going to keep smothering my face with snow until I open my eyes, so I groan and just do it. Bjorn and Nils are kneeling on either side of my head while Camille and Bridgit are standing behind them, their faces drawn with worry.
I can’t deal with Nils just yet, so I focus on Bjorn. He’s holding a fist full of snow and it’s headed toward my face. I growl, grab his fist, and smash the snow into his face.
Bjorn just laughs. “At least I know you’re feeling better. Sorry, I was just trying to wake you. Do you want to sit up?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Bjorn slips his arm under my shoulder. I feel Nils slip his arm under my other shoulder, but I ignore the zing of electricity and keep my attention focused on Bjorn.
“What happened?” Nils asks. “I was walking up when you keeled over. Nils thought maybe you passed out or something.” He glances over at Nils.
I don’t glance over at Nils.
“One minute we were talking,” Nils explains, “and then your eyes rolled back and you started falling. Luckily, Bjorn ran up behind you and caught you.”
I don’t have to see Nils’ face to hear the affection in his voice. Oh yay. Bjorn is his hero. How wonderful. Let me just rejoice in my rejection and be happy for you. Or… NOT!
“But Nils is the one who stopped you from falling,” Bjorn adds. “He grabbed your arm, slowing your fall just enough that I could get over here and catch you.” He gives Nils a look I’ve seen before. A smile full of affection just like Dillon had for his boy. The one that sent me over the edge that day.
I brace for my anger to rear its ugly head… but it doesn’t come.
Weird. I should be upset. I just found out that the cute guy I like and I thought liked me, doesn’t. But instead of freaking out, my sadness is dissolving. And now I feel sort of happy. Which I guess makes sense. Lottie would be angry because of her past, but I’m Gunna now. And Gunna would be very happy for her brother.
I bat my eyes at Bjorn. “You’re my hero,” I coo, and my silliness brings more happy into my heart.
Bjorn smiles. “You know I’m always here for you, Sis.”
And I do know that. Bjorn has been there for Gunna her whole life. I see flashes in my memory. Bringing her a cupcake when she failed her science test. Picking her up from school because she didn’t want to take the bus with the school bully. Giving her hugs, just because.
Gunna is one lucky gal.
I stand up. “Well, let’s get on with our trek then.”
After I assure everyone a million times that I feel fine, Bjorn leads our group onto the glacier. I don’t like to lead. It’s too stressful. Glaciers are living organisms that must be respected and revered, and you have to really pay attention to where you walk. Trekking on a glacier is not like mindlessly hiking in the park. The ice shifts and changes daily depending on things like heat, or snowfall, or the water running below the ice. And what looks like ribbons of ice from the parking lot, are actually crevices that can be thirty feet deep and twenty feet across.
Most glacier ice is a brilliant light blue. Some sections are cloudy, some have air bubbles, and others are speckled with volcanic rock. It just depends on what was there when the ice was formed. We pass a section of ice that looks dirty because of all the volcanic rock trapped inside, and I suddenly feel like I’m the volcanic rock, trapped here in Gunna’s body. Did my soul bring me here to force me to relive Lottie’s pain with Dillon?
I walk a little farther and the ice is clear again, but scattered with bubbles suspended in a frozen dance. This also feels like me. I’m a light, airy bubble dancing from body to body, trying to be happy, but still frozen in space with the same memories.
Bjorn stops everyone at the edge of a deep crevasse. I peek over the edge at the river of water gushing between the sapphire ice thirty feet below. This is a rare glimpse of the mighty river raging underneath the glacier. The river controls the glacier, and the glacier must change with the river. It must be willing to change. Or it will no longer exist.
Maybe I’m like the glacier. Maybe my soul is the river, and I must change to survive. I must learn to feel everything again, or I will no longer exist.
I shake my head. Whoa! Let’s reel in the deep thoughts for a while. How about we just walk, and enjoy, and be happy? That’s why I’m here, right?
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