by J. P. Scott
I opened my eyes and returned to the real world. I should go. This search seemed pointless. I needed to drive back up on the Rim and stop in to see Cody and have some lunch. Then I should spend the afternoon writing. I had deadlines and my own life to worry about.
The thought of Cody first brought a smile and then sent my brain tumbling over numbers. If Gray would be 50 now…that put him much younger than George. Gray and George were ten years apart, if I remembered George’s age correctly…not unlike Cody and me.
If there was a decade in age between them, how had they met and become friends? They had not gone to school together. The cabins were a bit of a distance from Payson—no doubt increasing the difficulty in casually meeting and becoming friends.
I closed the book and returned it to its home with the other records and the dust.
“Did you find what you needed?”
I stopped at the desk. I saw a name placard identifying her as Nancy Glover. I felt sheepish and just wanted to go. How do I even begin to discuss what I was looking for or what I did not find about something that was not any of my business? I also felt I should spend a few moments to be polite and give Nancy a few moments of company. Who knows if anyone else would be in today?
I sighed, “Actually, I didn’t. I was hoping I might find something more than what I saw in my research online. I appreciate your help, Nancy.”
She blinked at the name Nancy and reached up to the placard, “I always forget to take this sign down when I’m subbing. Nancy’s home spending time with her grandkids and asked me to take her shift.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed.” Not only was my mission for the day complete foolishness, but here I was calling people by the wrong name.
“Not your fault at all. Most people who come in already know me by my name anyway. You can call me Val.”
I had been about to introduce myself and explain more about who I was. Maybe someday I would need the library’s resources again for a legitimate reason. Instead, my mouth hung open—too afraid this was Valerie Cassidy—formerly Whitlock and widow to Gray.
She looked at me and smiled tightly, “I suspected you might be researching my husband’s death. Not much else happened around here in 2002 that anyone would want to research. I think we got a new mayor, and that’s about it.”
The words in my head finally connected with my mouth, “I should have asked you in the first place. And I…I’m sorry for your loss.”
Valerie Cassidy waved her hand, “It’s been years. Come, let’s sit and chat.” Nearby was an old wooden table with four matching chairs. We sat on opposite sides and faced each other.
“I should probably explain my interest.” Valerie nodded, and I continued, “I’m a writer and spend my summers renting a cabin up on the Rim. I’m good friends with George Dawson. In my spare time I’ve been helping out in the office and started sorting through some old boxes. He had a heart attack and will probably be selling the business.”
“Yes, I know George. Sorry to hear about his health. I think I did hear something about that. Are you his nephew, too? I thought he was helping out this summer.”
“No, his nephew is there, too.” I felt the heat rise as Josh came to mind.
“Did George ask you to look into Gray’s death? I can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t know all about it already. He would know more than anything written in the paper, that’s for sure.”
I shook my head, “No, George doesn’t know that I’m here. I found some newspaper clippings. They seemed important.” I searched for words that might give some sense to the nonsense I had created, “I got curious, and I thought I might be able to find out more on my own. George has been tight-lipped about the whole thing.”
Valerie nodded, “Well, and here we are.”
I nodded and felt my cheeks redden. It sounded so stupid when I said it out loud. What was I doing here bothering this woman about her dead husband?
“There’s not really much to tell you. Gray—no one ever called him Grayson—didn’t leave a note that anyone ever found. He had been sad for a while, I remember. Normally, he smiled and was full of jokes and laughs. That’s what made him a good dentist—he put his patients at ease. He was mediocre at the rest of it. I never realized until I had to go to a new dentist,” Valerie laughed quietly to herself. “It wasn’t out of character for him to head out to Crystal Reservoir. He said it was a good place to think and unwind. I didn’t know he was going that day. He closed up the office and gave the staff the afternoon off without any further explanation. At some point he had taken his gun out of the gun safe—either that day or he had been carrying it around. He drove up and killed himself.”
The events were delivered in the same matter-of-fact way as the newspaper reports. The passage of time had drained any emotion in Valerie about the topic.
“And no clue as to why?”
“Nothing. We had an accountant who went over all the books to sell the practice—clean as the teeth his clients left with. All his bills were paid. I tried to think of anything else that might make sense. I came to believe he was just depressed and did not know how to deal with it.”
“Any family history of depression?”
“There could be. His dad died young, too. I don’t really know much about him. His mom moved down to the Valley—but always seemed sharp as a tack when I had to talk to her. I never cared for her much nor she me. I send Christmas cards, but I try to keep contact at a minimum.”
“I see.” Gray’s death might just be a question that would never have an answer. We must all carry secrets with us to our grave. Gray was just better at it than most.
“George might know more about Gray’s family. He met Gray when my husband was in middle school. George had volunteered through the school as a mentor for Gray since he was growing up without a father. I’m pretty sure they kept in regular contact, even when Gray was in college. George didn’t come to our wedding—I always felt that odd. Maybe they had a falling out, I’m not sure. I can’t say they were very close. Maybe a phone call or an email from time to time, but never social visits to eithers homes for dinners or parties.”
“Well, maybe George will open up eventually.” I looked at my watch and knew I should get back up the hill. “Thank you for your time.”
“Sure thing. I wish I could give you the answers that you’re looking for.”
“I appreciate your candor.” We waved as we parted. Normally, I’m mindful of the speed limit. Today, I sped to get away as quickly as possible.
Chapter Seventeen
I stopped in at the restaurant for a quick bite. A tour of motorhomes had stopped at the campsite across the highway and most, if not all, the tourists were grabbing lunch. Cody waved as he maneuvered between crowded tables. I took my lunch to go, paid in cash, and left a big tip.
As I drove by the office, I saw a strange car parked out front. There must be some new arrivals here as well checking in. The forest was now alive with the activity of summer. I might be called on to do more than sort through boxes after all. It was unusual for someone to drive a Mercedes up here—had someone stumbled upon the cabins by accident?
Beau was happy to see me and I tossed him a fry as I unpacked my lunch. I rounded out my poor nutrition choices by opening a bottle of sauvignon blanc and heading out to the porch to eat.
I thought about Valerie and her calmness during our conversation. Sure, it was fifteen years ago when Gray died—she had moved on, gotten remarried. Emotions surrounding the events were certainly tempered by the distance. However, Gray’s motivation for his suicide was a mystery. Deep down, the reason Gray chose to end his life had to gnaw on her. Was it really possible to resign oneself to believe that no one would ever be able to determine the truth? Maybe the novelist in me was too programmed for questions and the everyday person accepted facts as they were and moved on?
A troupe of off-road vehicles drove down the gravel road and squeals of delight broke my thought. I watched the vehicles disappe
ar behind George’s cabin with only the billows of dust trailing behind. I noticed the new care was still parked there when it should have moved on to whichever cabin they were renting. Was Josh having problems with the check in process? Another computer glitch perhaps? Should I head down to investigate?
Beau appeared and put his head on my leg. I looked down and the ball was on the ground. I gave it a quick toss and he was off. If only humans experienced happiness so easily. Or maybe we could if we swept everything else to the side.
Eventually, Beau tired and my glass was empty. I refilled and returned to my spot on the porch with a novel to entertain me. Work seemed out of the question with all the thoughts running through my head. I snapped a selfie with the book and wine in view and sent Cody a text, “Wish you were here.”
I realized I had not posted anything to my professional social media in a while and posted the picture with the caption, “Working hard on the next book.” I hoped my fans—and my publisher—enjoyed the humor. The self-promotion piece of writing was the part I was worst at doing. Fans wanted to see pictures and blog posts while they waited for another book to hit shelves.
I set the phone aside and opened the book, determined to get lost in this imaginary world and forget about the real world I had been muddling through all day. I soon found myself deep into an intergalactic battle and the pages turned quickly. I broke only to refill my wine.
Light eventually began to fade and my eyes tired of reading. I checked my phone and saw a text from Cody, “So busy. Think I’m going to crash at my place.”
I replied with a sad face and, “Miss you. Get some rest.”
I wanted to see Cody again and hold him until we could not resist doing naughty things. I also felt a little relieved that I had a night to myself to get some work done.
I made a light salad and parked myself in front of the laptop to write. Even if it only ended up being a half hour of writing, I would feel accomplished. Before I knew it, the story was pouring out. It was late when I crawled in bed and fell asleep.
Chapter Eighteen
I woke early but felt rested. The sleep had been deep and good. Over coffee I checked my email. My editor was looking for an update. I forwarded my file with a synopsis of where I saw the overall story going and an estimate on the total chapters and word count. I hoped she would be pleased.
I stepped out on the porch and caught sight of Josh on his run disappearing behind the cabin. He would be around again. I settled into my chair with my coffee and phone and scrolled the morning news until I felt caught up with the world beyond. I heard Josh coming again. Instead of running towards his cabin, I saw him heading my way. I tried not to focus too much on how his muscles moved and glistened. He waved as he neared and removed his earbuds.
“Good morning.”
“How’s the run?”
“My favorite part of the day,” He came up on the porch, standing and catching his breath. “Well, unless there is some bedroom play.” As he stretched, I could not help but look down at his crotch and his bulge. The thought of some bedroom play should not have been on my mind—not with Josh anyway.
“Do you need water or anything?”
“I’m good. Just wanted to chat a bit. Were you planning on coming down to the office?” His tone had changed from the flirty and cocky to cool and serious. I sensed there was a correct answer to this question.
“Do you need me?”
Josh smiled, the cocky returning in a flash, “Well…that’s a loaded question.”
I wanted to move past that emotional landmine and prayed I would not set up any further innuendo. “My schedule is flexible today. If you need me to do something, I can come in.” Prayer failed—if Josh wanted to respond with something sexual, I had given him a good set up. He did not take it.
Maybe something had happened with yesterday’s guest check in after all and Josh needed some help. I then noticed that the strange car was still parked down at the cabin. What was really going on?
“How about you take a couple days off,” Josh said. I looked at him but he was looking away. “There’s some stuff I need to take care of. You might make things complicated.”
Complicated? What did that mean?
“You probably noticed there’s a car that’s been parked down there.”
I nodded to indicate I had noticed.
“George and I have some company in town for a few days.”
“Company? Family?” No doubt with George’s condition and the decisions that needed to be made about the property and the business someone had flown out to have some difficult conversations.
“It’s not what you’re thinking. My partner…Ethan…he decided to come visit.” Josh continued to look away from me and out at the trees.
I thought back to the picture I had found in Josh’s room. It was not of a former love—but a current one.
“I know…I should have said something.”
That would have been an important detail to include at some point. I had no desire to be “the other man” and cause waves in a relationship. What I had thought was a chance to find a good man and the potential for love had been a lie. In other circumstances, I would have been devasted. I could be even more grateful to have found Cody instead. He may be younger, but he was already proving to be more mature about relationships and honesty than Josh.
“I know you are here alone, but you seemed pretty uninhibited to jump into bed with me.”
“Well, Ethan doesn’t care about the sex. We’ve always had an agreement that we could play with other people and it was no big deal.” He finally looked at me, “He won’t like it if he thinks I like you deeper than that.” He shifted his weight as he stood and looked away from me.
Like me deeper than just sex? Was Josh telling me there was more to his motivation than just a sexual attraction? I tried to drink another sip of coffee but my hand was shaking and I set it back down, “And do you? Like me deeper?”
“I might.” He was silent as those two words bowled into me. “But I have Ethan…and now you have that kid.”
“Cody’s hardly a kid.”
Josh looked at me again, his eyebrows raised questioning my view of Cody. True, he was young, but his soul was much older than what most would expect.
“Well, the point is—I have so much to figure out with George and the cabins. I don’t need the drama with Ethan right now, too.”
Selfish bastard. Josh was worried about his needs. Did he care about mine? About Ethan’s? I wanted to scream at him and cause some of the drama he was hoping to avoid. How could he do this? He was only treating this situation with any seriousness now because he was threatened with getting caught. If Ethan had not shown up, would there have been more drunken kisses in the dark? More flirtations in the office?
“What have you told George about Ethan? Does he know you two are together?”
“Yes, George knows everything now.”
I laughed, remembering my conversation with George the first day of my stay. “He said I was barking up the wrong tree when he found out I thought you were cute.”
“Right tree, just wrong time, I guess.”
“Or maybe just wrong tree. Period.”
Josh stared for a minute. “I’ve really made a mess of things. I did not mean to. I swear.” I had wounded him.
No one ever means to make a mess of things unless they are evil. We all make mistakes and need someone to understand and cut us some slack. Second chances were a thing. But so were enablers. If I went along with Josh and never revealed to Ethan, to George, or even to Cody that Josh and I were attracted to each other, I would be an enabler of Josh’s bad behavior. Even though we had not really gone “all the way,” we had gone far enough that we could not pretend everything was innocent between us.
“I definitely will stay away from the office until you say it’s okay.” I hesitated before continuing. He had not explicitly asked me to carry a secret, but the implication was there. “If I meet him, I won’t say a
nything.”
“I appreciate it. Let’s touch base in a couple days.” He looked down at the cabin and stepped off the porch. “I have to get back.”
I watched him jog down to the office and disappear. I saw him differently now. No longer was he the sexy stranger who jogged shirtless and showed off his body. I saw the inside and a man who was living a conflicted life. He was in a relationship—a relationship deep enough that he would use the word “partner” to describe it. Yet, he was not out to everyone. His own uncle had not known. Was he out to anyone else in his family? If he lived apart from them, he might not have told them. It happened with a lot of gay men that I knew.
Josh’s strange shifts in mood and mixed signals made a lot more sense now. Back home he could meet a guy he was attracted to, hook up according to the rules of his relationship with Ethan, and move on. There would not be the risk that someone would find out about it. Living and working alongside his family was a different matter.
How much time had I wasted wondering if Josh liked me or if there was the possibility of us being together? Unfulfilled dreams were a blessing sometimes. Josh did not seem like a complicated man at first, but he was now. What else was he hiding about himself or his relationship?
Chapter Nineteen
Writing that afternoon was a battle with all things distracting. I found every excuse to get up from the computer to check on something, put something away, snack, or pay attention to. Finally, I gave up.
I opened a browser and did a search for Crystal Reservoir. I knew of the place and had seen signs of the turns off with campers and boats headed in that direction. I had never been nor had I even thought about the place or what it might be like there.