The specks came alive as if just awoken. Jonas reached up and stopped the bag with both hands. “Where’ve you been?” he asked, keeping his back to me.
“Checking on Dani. Seeing if she got as much pleasure out of shooting you as I would have.” I forced a smile.
He turned in time to see the smile. “I definitely expected more of a thank-you for taking a bullet for you.”
I cocked my head. “Did you take a bullet for me?”
A smirk spread across Jonas’s face. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe you only thought she was going to aim at me? I’ve been wondering if Dani was actually aiming at you. Maybe she hit her target.”
“Why would Dani be firing at me?” he asked.
“Why would she want to shoot me?” I countered, then continued. “Let’s back up. Let’s say that someone from the IIA was sending me a message through Dani. And the message was giving me less than twenty-four hours to turn myself over to the IIA. If that were the case, why would the IIA then shoot me?”
Jonas’s grin grew. “Hmmm. Well thought out. But you forget one thing. The rubber bullets most likely would not have hit you in a body part that would have seriously hurt you, let alone kill you. What if the IIA wanted you to feel pain? What if they wanted you to know they were serious about making your beloved best friend do something she’d rather die than do? And of course, they knew your boyfriend would heal you anyway.”
He was right. Dani said so herself. She’d rather die than hurt me. And I felt the same way.
“Also good points.” I walked around him and punched the speed bag while avoiding eye contact. I could barely reach the bag at the height it was set, but it was something to hit. I needed Jonas if I had any hope of saving Dani. I turned back to him. He was closer than I expected. My breath caught. Searching his eyes, I wondered if it was truly lack of trust that made me nervous around him, or something else entirely. My eyes slammed shut. When I reopened them, he remained inches from me. Willing my pulse to slow, I asked, “What do you think I should do?”
“About?”
He smelled of a hard workout mixed with the hint of deodorant. Moisture seeped through his gray T-shirt. “Should I turn myself over to the IIA? Would that save Dani?”
Jonas’s grin disappeared. “Are you asking if I think the IIA would leave Dani alone and not use the tracker inside her head? Not try to remotely control her again? I can’t answer that.” He reached up and stopped the speed bag I had set in motion. He looked everywhere but at me. “As far as turning yourself over to the IIA… I don’t know, Lexi.” He sighed while wiping his forehead on the sleeve of his shirt.
I roamed around the gym. I tried out the large punching bag with a side kick, all the while keeping thoughts of Jack out of my mind. I would have to turn myself over to the IIA—to Sandra. That was the only way. For both Dani’s and Addison’s survival. I threw a punch and another kick.
“Very nice. You up for a workout? Maybe we can work on concentration techniques while practicing some self-defense.”
I shrugged. “Okay.” I massaged my chest where panic slowly swelled in my heart. I had to keep my thoughts in line. The last time I tried this, Jonas took over my mind, and Jack put me on my back. I had to focus on learning everything I could about the trackers, while keeping a constant lookout for signs of Jonas and Ty. Somehow I had to convince Jonas to take me back inside The Farm.
We began with a regular kickboxing workout. Instead of punching and kicking air, Jonas wore thick gloves. I kicked and punched his hands, taking out pent-up frustration on innocent pieces of padded leather.
Eventually, our workout morphed into Jonas showing me what to do if someone grabbed me from behind. He also reminded me of the various vulnerable parts of the body. My hands and feet, and other parts of my body, became weapons.
As we worked, I practiced erecting walls and barriers around my thoughts. I attempted techniques Jack taught me for keeping him out of my head. I had used all of these techniques before, though. And they hadn’t worked with Jonas.
“You’re going about this all wrong, you know,” he said, sliding the padded gloves back on.
I aimed a side kick into Jonas’s left hand. He grabbed my leg and twisted. I went down hard.
He let go immediately, and I sprung back to my feet ready for a fight. “Why did you do that?” I wanted to kick him again, this time straight to the face.
“Because you were concentrating so hard on keeping me out, you stopped paying attention to the opponent in front of you.”
I used my forearm to push hair out of my face. “So, what am I doing wrong?”
“Remember earlier when you found me inside your head, and you squished me out? You imagined crushing me with your bare hands, and that’s exactly what you did with my invasion into your thoughts.”
“Okay, but that took work. I need to be able to keep you and others out at all times. Even when I’m physically busy with something else.”
“Right. And you’re fully capable of doing so. You’ve proven this. You just don’t know how to shut others out on command.”
“And you do?”
“Of course I do.” He tilted his head side to side. “Well, except people controlled by the IIA. But I’m getting better at it.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, the more I study your thoughts, Jack’s ability to shield you, and my power over you…”—he winked at the last part, sending an angry fire straight up my back and neck—“…I’m convinced that the tracker at the base of my skull has intensified my ability to control you. And that’s exactly what Sandra wanted. But it has also allowed Ty deeper into my mind.” He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Until I figure out a way to remove the trackers and destroy Sandra’s path into our minds, we have to do our best to block access, or at least recognize when another invades, so we can choose not to follow.”
“The deeper Ty gets into your mind, the deeper you get into mine,” I said, mostly to myself. I leaned against a metal pole and massaged the bridge of my nose while processing what he was saying. I wasn’t sure who was responsible for manipulating my mind more: Sandra, Ty, or Jonas. “Why haven’t you shown me how to keep you out? You said you would.”
“Maybe because I like being inside your head and experiencing what you’re thinking and feeling.”
Maybe it’s because you still want to kill me. This was exactly why Jack didn’t want me with Jonas. I was sometimes too honest.
Jonas laughed. Then his face softened, his eyes narrowed. “If you really believed I wanted to kill you, you wouldn’t be here. Besides, Jack might not trust me, but not because he thinks I might kill you.” Pulling the gloves off and tossing them aside, he stepped closer to me.
I held up a hand to stop him, and he pressed his chest into it. My heart leapt into my throat. My mouth went dry. I was not getting into this subject with him while he could read all of my thoughts. I couldn’t even admit to myself what I was thinking for fear Jonas might hear me. “You’re not going to teach me how to shut people out of my head, are you?”
“Why would you say that, Lexi?” Jonas frowned. His hand traveled up and covered my hand resting on his chest. “You still believe I’m trying to hurt you?”
“Maybe not harm me physically, but every time you… or Ty… force me to do something against my will, you hurt me. Every time you sneak in and around my head, you hurt me.” The muscles in Jonas’s face drooped. Maybe I had said too much. “I’m sorry, Jonas. Sandra expects me to surrender to her tomorrow. It would be nice to know how to block Ty and anyone else trying to get inside my head.” And yes, that includes you.
Fifteen seconds passed. The amber specks in Jonas’s eyes reflected the overhead lights. Pulling my hand away, I shifted under his scrutiny.
He backed up and scrubbed both hands over his face and into his hair. When he finally looked at me again, I saw a vulnerability I’d never seen in him before. “Fine. Let’s get started.”
I was working with Mr. Multiple Personalities. I could barely keep up.
“To start with, instead of erecting walls the way you do to keep Jack out, you need to form pockets.”
“Pockets?”
“Yes. We all compartmentalize our thoughts and fears.” Jonas motioned me closer. He bent over and grabbed the training gloves, sliding them back on. “Imagine someone who has just lost someone close to them.”
Easy enough. I knew how that felt.
“Now, while this person might be grieving a terrible loss, they’re able to place that despair within a pocket inside their mind and heart. This is how they’re able to continue in their everyday life without being paralyzed by sadness.”
I remembered how quickly I was able to return to school after Dad died, despite overwhelming grief. “Okay, I’ll buy that.”
“Take a look inside your own mind. Can you imagine different pockets there? Maybe one for love. One for the deep affection you feel for Danielle. Another for whatever thoughts you have when you think of Briana. One for grief.”
“Yes,” I whispered. I was completely buying into this. I could see different imaginary compartments forming in my head.
He lifted his hand and waved me forward. “I want you to practice a series of uppercuts, side kicks, hooks, front kicks, and crosses. Any pattern you wish, but at the same time, imagine placing different thoughts and feelings inside these pockets.”
I began a sequence of punches and kicks, then I did exactly what Jonas ordered. I placed my love for Gram inside one pocket—a feeling that filled me with warmth in one moment and a longing to see her that tore my heart apart in the next. I didn’t like anyone knowing that vulnerability.
Jonas moved to the side. I switched back to slamming my fist then my foot into his gloved hands. “Now, think about Briana. The thoughts you have of her are often ones you’d rather her not know, right?”
“I suppose that’s accurate.” I remembered some of the cruel things she’d done to me, the anger I’d felt, the jealousy of seeing her flirt with Jack when he first arrived at Wellington. I stuffed my own unkind thoughts inside a pocket in my mind. Jonas was right. I didn’t want Briana to know these thoughts, mainly because I wasn’t cruel. She made me angry, but I didn’t find cutting her down worth how that might make her feel.
“Next, think of Jack. I’m sure you think of him in ways you don’t want him… or anyone else… to know.”
Fire flared across my cheeks. I did have some pretty powerful thoughts where Jack was concerned. I went to work on them, stuffing them quickly inside a too-small pocket, like a teenager overstuffing her dresser drawers, unable to keep clothes or socks inside while trying to close the drawers.
“Nice. Not much leaked out while you did that. Now think of me.”
I stopped punching and stared at Jonas. I was sure my mouth hung agape. Jonas raised a brow and stood straighter. Immediately, I snapped out of my trance and closed my mouth. I transformed my face and attempted to swallow all expression.
Jonas’s lips tilted up. “Not the reaction I expected, but not completely disappointing.”
I rolled my eyes, and kicked his right hand hard. “You surprised me, that’s all.” My mind filling up by this point, I pocketed the many conflicted thoughts I had of Jonas—fear of what I still didn’t know about him, admiration for turning his back on his mother, confusion, curiosity. Was he my friend or my enemy?
“You’re so easy to read, Lexi.”
I stopped and turned away from him. This was never going to work, though hiding my face was not going to keep this guy out of my head. Frustration and anger at my own inadequacy invaded my thoughts, and I added those to the many compartments I wished would protect my mind from siege.
Seth had asked me what I wanted from The Program. My first answer, had I concentrated only on myself, would have been to learn complete control over my mind at all times. I wanted control of every aspect of my future and how my abilities would be used—if they’d be used. At the same time, the idea that my own thoughts and actions were not safe inside my own mind invoked the desire to run. To escape this life and not look back.
This wasn’t just about me anymore. I needed The Program to teach me not only how to help myself, but to help others affected by Dad’s, Dr. DeWeese’s, and Sandra’s years-ago experimentation into human cloning.
How could I help others, though, if I couldn’t keep this one person—this one confusing boy—from reading my every private thought, desire, or dream?
Jonas’s hand touched my shoulder. “Lexi,” he whispered.
I spun around. “Please don’t touch me.” I was afraid a single touch would reveal every secret, every insecurity, every fear I ever had.
He dropped his hand to his side. Both gloves gone, he flexed his fingers wide. “What I meant, Lexi, is that I read your emotions all over your face. And I read your body language as you turned away from me, but…”
I wrung my hands. I was never able to hide my feelings well, especially the strong emotions that grief, confusion, and Jonas invoked. “But what?” I asked weakly.
“But I couldn’t read your mind—your specific thoughts.” He crooked a finger under my chin and lifted. “Congratulations. You successfully pocketed most of your thoughts. I only heard a couple about Briana, probably because the two of you have such a long past filled with so many powerful emotions. A few more about Jack, which isn’t surprising given how intense the two of you are.” Jonas cocked his head, eyeing me like he wanted to figure something out. “And I didn’t hear anything about me, although your reaction has me quite curious.” He smiled.
My face must have reddened from the fire that flared there. I took in a long breath and let it out slowly, studying the quizzical look in Jonas’s eyes. How would I know if he was telling me the truth? Was I capable of hiding thoughts from him? Could I, for example, pocket the thought that I was wondering where that tracker that Ty gave him went? Could I hide from him my constant questioning why Sandra allowed Jonas to live if she had the ability to terminate anyone with an implanted tracker? Maybe she still had a use for him. And maybe he knew it.
“Let’s take a break.”
“What? No. I can’t afford to take a break. Dani and Addison need me.”
“You need a break. We also can’t afford to keep going while you still don’t trust me.”
“What do you mean?” I looked down at the floor, focusing on a used band-aid wadded up against a floor mat.
“Don’t even bother denying it.” Jonas sighed. “You did a great job just now, and I’m positive you’ll only get better and better at pocketing your thoughts. But you’re afraid I’m not being completely honest with you.” He stepped close to me. He slid a hand behind my neck, and forced me to look up. “And you’re definitely not being honest with me. Tell me you’re not afraid of me.”
I blinked. Stared into those dark brown eyes, dilated to the point of total darkness. “I’m not afraid of you, Jonas,” I whispered. My mouth ran dry. “I…”
“Are you sure?” He wrapped a strand of hair around his forefinger, while simultaneously rubbing the skin beneath my long hair, a touch more intimate than I was comfortable with. “I’m not here to hurt you, Lexi. Only to help you.” He tilted his head. His eyes narrowed, and I was certain he saw straight through me.
“Help me what?”
The expression on Jonas’s face changed ever so slightly. Had I blinked, I would have missed it.
“Help you realize the fate you’ll eventually face. You know I can make you accept it as well.”
“What fate would that be?”
His lips twitched, lifting upward at the corners and sending a chill over me. I concentrated hard on the pockets I had just formed and immediately tucked away my latest observation: Ty had just slipped inside Jonas’s head and taken over. I pulled Jonas’s brain up as an image inside my own mind, and examined the fiery neurons ablaze there. I knew what Jack and Jonas looked like inside my head, b
ut what did Ty look like inside Jonas’s head?
“What is going on in that head of yours?” Jonas/Ty stood close enough that his breath warmed my cheek, and I could see my reflection in his eyes.
“Welcome to the party, Ty.”
His grin grew. “Very good, Lexi. I wondered when you’d finally learn to recognize me.” He suddenly leaned in and kissed me, forcing my lips to open. His arms hugged me close, and I squirmed to get away. My eyes widened.
A growl vibrated from my throat as I brought my hands up and pushed hard against his rock-hard chest, but failed to budge him at all. Suddenly, he shoved me away hard enough that I stumbled backwards into a body bag and fell to the floor. The breath was knocked out of me. I gasped for air.
Jonas’s chest rose and fell in rapid movements. He bent over at the waist as if catching his breath. When he looked up, pain filled his eyes as he examined me where I fell. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t me.”
“I know.”
Wrinkles formed across his forehead. He approached me slowly and reached out a hand. My gaze lowered to it, then back up to his bright amber eyes. “Please take my hand.”
Without thinking, I slid my palm into his. He wrapped his fingers tightly around mine and pulled me up, our eyes never leaving each other. “Looks like we both still need a little practice,” I said, my voice low.
“Yes, but… it’s time we shut my mother’s operation down.”
I studied the look in Jonas’s eyes—the look I had been searching for since I left Jack and found Jonas. The look that said, “I’m on your side—not the side of the crazy woman running the IIA.” This was the Jonas that Jack swore existed. “Good. Then you can start by teaching me more about the trackers.” I tried to drum up enough saliva to swallow, my heart still beating from the hold Ty had had on me. “And you can teach me how to get inside The Farm. Alone.”
“I’ll teach you more about the trackers, but there’s no way in hell I’m allowing you to enter that IIA freak show alone.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Mindsiege Page 19