Folding the report card, Olivia tucked it under her pillow, then went to the window and pushed it up, letting the March air in. “It’s late, Con.”
“I’m miss you, Liv. It’s been a hard week and I need my Liv.”
I need my Liv.
“Just come down to the park with me. Just a little while. I got you some Kit Kats,” he sing-songed. That was her favorite, and he knew it. Damn him.
“Just a little while?”
“Just a little while.” He smiled and those blue eyes that crinkled at the edges and always made her heart flutter could convince her to do most anything.
“Give me five minutes.” She closed the window and quickly changed out of her PJs.
* * *
She couldn’t think straight when he was around. At seventeen years old, he’d been the tallest kid in their class and now he not only surpassed all the others, but he had a full sleeve of tattoos, he smoked, and he’d bulked up around the biceps and chest. He basically screamed trouble. If she hadn’t known him—the real Connor—she’d think twice about getting in a car with him.
But she did know him. Knew his heart. How many times had they stayed up talking about all the things they wanted to do with their lives? How much hurt and anger had they felt on days when their parents were passed out on the couch or in a bar.
When she finally walked out of her building that night she was in tight jeans and a cute top with an even cuter scarf, black Chucks, and her hair in a high pony tail. “Looking good, Liv girl.” He kissed her cheek. “Missed you. Where’ve you been?”
She felt the heat in her cheeks. They’d kissed and touched a lot during the last year and he’d always been around. But they’d never gone any further and he’d never given her the impression that they were anything more than friends. “Just school and stuff. How about you?”
“Just hanging out with friends. Same ol’ same ol’.” Friends. She didn’t want to know which friends, because she was fairly certain they were the kinds of friends he shouldn’t be with.
But in a place like Brownsville, he was the closest thing she had to family. To someone she trusted. To someone good. So she let it go and decided just to enjoy the evening—celebrate her grades.
Hopping in the old Honda Civic, he drove them to a park inside a gated community in a better part of town, to the same playground they’d been going to since they were little. She already knew the drill—he linked his hands together, she put one foot inside, and he lifted her up so she could hop over the fence. He, on the other hand, pulled up and deftly jumped over using his strength. She tried not to stare but it was hard when he looked so good doing it.
He took her hand in his and led her to the green platform that had used to be a little clubhouse. Now the roof had broken off and the night sky was above them. They lay down side by side in silence for a little while.
“What’s been going on with you?” he asked.
“Nothing much. You?”
“I have to tell you something but I don’t want you to judge me.”
Shit. That wasn’t ever a good thing. “What is it?”
“I’m dropping out. I got a job at the Lenny’s Auto and I’m taking it.”
She sat up. “No, Connor. Don’t. You’re so smart, and—”
He guided her back down and turned his body so he was partly over her. “Don’t. Please. I already made up my mind. School’s not gonna do anything for me. I can’t turn down this job. He’s going to pay so I can get my certificate and—”
“That wasn’t the plan, Con.”
“I know, Liv. But we were kids and those dreams . . . they were naïve. I need a job. I need to eat. I need to help Ma.”
“Connor, I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re almost done. We only have a few months left.”
“It’s done, baby. I’m finished.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on her lips. “But you’re going to stick with it. You’re going to live that dream for us.”
Her mind reeled. She wasn’t dumb. She knew that no matter how much she loved Connor, he’d always be an anchor weighing her down. Eventually she’d sink along with him.
“Maybe when you graduate college and start making money, I can get my GED and try for something bigger.”
“Maybe,” she said woefully.
“No. Not maybe. Yes. Say yes. I don’t leave you behind and you don’t leave me behind.”
“Connor, you know I won’t leave you behind. Not ever. You’re my family.”
He lay down and pulled out a cigarette. They both looked up to the sky, lost in their thoughts, the smell of smoke evaporating in the windy night.
“Love you, Liv girl.”
“Love you too, Con.”
* * *
A month later . . .
“Babe, we have to go!” Connor yelled from outside her window.
For the last month, Connor had worked round the clock and they’d barely seen each other between school and his job, but today he’d asked her to go out with him somewhere nice. She’d dressed up a little, wearing her nicest top with her jeans. She was hoping he’d take her to the movies—it had been years since she’d gone to a movie.
She ran out of the house excitedly, and he caught her by the waist in one arm, blew out a puff of smoke, and then tossed the cigarette to the grass and kissed her deeply. She was head over heels for him.
The feelings had just grown more and more the last month and she’d devised a plan, she’d even written it down. She was going to finish school and then get her license as an X-ray technician and then she’d support him through his mechanic’s license after he got his GED. Maybe they could rent a little apartment outside of Brownsville. She had budgeted it and with the part-time job she had at the local bookstore, she could pull it off. She was positive.
“You look fucking great.”
“Thanks,” she said as he opened her door. She jumped in, then watched him walk around to his side. He wore one of his nicer shirts, a navy blue button-down, one that she loved.
He motioned to her notebook as he began to drive. “What do you have there?”
“I’ve thought about it, and you’re right. We can do this. So I’ve made a plan. I don’t like that you dropped out, but we could save and then I’ll start X-ray tech school in the summer and—”
“Tech school? What happened to college?”
“We need to get out of here and I was reading that there’s always jobs for X-ray techs and they make really good money, Con. And then after I finish you could work on your mechanic’s license and I’ll help. I’ll have a job.” She pointed to her notebook. I have everything detailed here. I even printed out the forms. It’ll work.”
“If you planned it, it’ll work. You’re the smartest girl I know.”
She smiled wide. “As long as we stick together, right?”
“Exactly. You and me against the world, Liv girl.” She closed her eyes, content that he was on board. “Where are we going, by the way?”
“There’s a party at Helm’s.”
Helm? He was bad news. Why would they be going to party there?
She turned her body toward him. “What? Why?”
“We’ve been hanging out. He invited me,” he said matter-of-factly.
She looked around and just then noticed that they were in fact in front of the building where Helm and most of the school lived. It was a low income building known to be bad news. When they parked, they could hear the music from the party blasting. “Who’s going to be here?” she yelled over the music.
“The usual people.” The usual people were the kids from the area who weren’t all that great. “I heard TJ is coming, but I’m not sure. I think Colin might be here.”
“Colin? I thought he was in juvie.”
“Got out. Haven’t seen him yet.”
If Colin and TJ were there, then it was absolutely not a place she wanted to be. Damn. Damn. Damn. “TJ and Colin?” TJ was bad news. Real bad news.
“And TJ’s cre
w?” By crew, she meant gang, or close to it.
“Don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go and see what’s going on.”
Usually when Connor was this adamant about getting out of the house it was because something bad was going down at home. It had been getting worse lately. “Was your mom home?” she asked.
His grip on the steering wheel tightened and she saw the way his jaw ticked. “Yeah, and so were some guys.”
That’s all he had to say. She understood and she would do whatever had to be done to make him feel better. When her mother had overdosed and almost died, Connor had been the one to flip her over so that she didn’t choke on her own vomit and the one to wait with her until the ambulance arrived, and then he’d stayed with her at the hospital while her mother recovered. He had always been there for her and she for him.
Once they arrived at the apartment complex where the party was taking place, it was immediately evident that this was not a good idea. The bass thumped from a guy who’d brought his own DJ equipment and had set it up in a little grassy area outside the back door of the first floor apartment. Truthfully, it looked like the entire complex was at the party from the way people were just loitering around the area. From the corner of Olivia’s eye she saw three guys shoving two other guys. People were smoking pot out in the open, and holding bottles of beer in their hands. Connor must’ve noticed her tense up, because he grabbed her hand as they walked in. “Chill out. Act cool. No one’s gonna mess with you while you’re with me.”
“With you? This isn’t our scene, Con.”
“Diego’s cool, we’ve been hanging out.”
She stopped, which caused her to pull on his arm as he kept moving forward. Looking over his shoulder, their hands still entwined, he asked, “What?”
“Is that where you’ve been going? I thought you were working those nights you haven’t gone home. You’ve been with Diego?” Diego was TJ’s brother and not much better than TJ.
He turned and walked back to her. “Stop worrying, babe.”
“Come on, Con. How can I not worry?”
He had a smirk on his face as he moved toward her, causing her to take a step back. Then another. And then his lips touched hers in an intense kiss that left her surprised. It was hard and possessive, and his tongue slid into her mouth and his fingers pressed into the skin by her hip. She could taste the cigarettes on him. Pressing her back against a wall, he continued to kiss her, making her feel heady and irresponsible. “I like that you worry. No one else worries,” he said between kisses, his hand moving up her side firmly until he was practically cupping one of her breasts.
“Let’s go home, Con,” she said breathlessly. He knew—he had to have known—that she wanted more, that she was willing to give him more.
Instead he moved back down and kissed her again. Catcalls and whistles from around her snapped her out of her lustful haze. “Stop.” But he didn’t. “Stop, Con.” When he still didn’t, he pushed him hard. “I said, stop.”
He was panting and so was she. He looked at her with a combination of lust and anger. “You’re such a fucking tease sometimes.” For a moment she thought he was joking around but that quickly changed when she realized he was genuinely upset.
“A tease?”
He huffed and turned to the inside of the house, Olivia trailing behind him, just as angry. “Stop. What do you mean a tease?”
He turned, anger written all over his face. “Yeah, one moment we’re making out and the next you’re pushing me away. What the hell?”
“I’m not pushing you away.”
He rolled his eyes and walked away again.
“Yo, brother, my man!” Diego, a tall, jacked-up guy whom she’d seen a dozen times bumped Connor. He’d grown up in their hood and was very known, mostly because he was the guy you went to for drugs. On more than one occasion she’d seen her parents talking to him or his brother on a street corner. He was at least ten years older than Olivia and Connor and most of the other kids at the party.
Then, as if the night couldn’t possibly get any worse, she was surprised to see Connor’s brother walk up to them. “Colin. You’re out.”
“Yep. Got out this morning,” Colin said, giving Connor a one-armed man-hug. “See you’re still tapping that ass,” Colin said to Connor, then turned and winked creepily at her.
“Shut the fuck up,” Connor responded. Olivia gave Colin the finger, but Connor quickly pushed her arm down and eyed her warily.
This wasn’t where she needed to be. In fact, this was exactly the place she needed to avoid. Getting sucked into this life was easier than fighting it. Persevering, that was what was truly difficult.
Colin and Diego laughed and went off into the house.
One of the guys nearby took out a joint from behind his ear and lit it, then handed it to a few other people standing around the area. When they handed it to Connor she hoped that he’d refuse it, but instead he took a long puff and exhaled.
“I wanna go home, Con.”
He exhaled, coughed, and then looked at her. “Why? No.” He handed her the joint. “Take a hit. Relax.”
“Who’s this?” A guy she’d never met tipped his chin her way. He had tattoos going up his neck, a shaved head, and crazy, wild eyes. He was big and scary and she almost shivered when he looked at her, but having grown up in the area she knew better than to show any sign of weakness. She needed to hold her own, not seem like a challenge but also lay low. Once these gangbangers wanted something they were relentless, and she didn’t want to catch their attention, so the way he kept looking at her sent chills down her spine. “Let’s go upstairs,” he said, not asking. Telling her.
A heavy arm quickly landed on her shoulders and pulled her close. “Nah, Helm. She’s with me.” Connor said. Oh, Helm . . . he must be the guy who owned the place. It was notorious for parties, but she’d never met him.
Helm looked at her for another moment, eyes scanning her body in a creepy way that made her want to throw up. “Babe,” Connor said, jolting her out of her thoughts. He’d never, not in all the years they’d known each other, called her babe. “Here you go.” He brought the joint up to her lips and she inhaled, trying to seem comfortable and familiar in Connor’s arms and in the environment. That seemed to somehow assuage the guy’s curiosity, given that Connor had basically staked his claim on her.
With Connor’s arm flung casually over her shoulder, he and Helm talked shit about something Olivia had no knowledge of. At some point she ended up with a beer in her hand and another puff of weed.
“Come on,” Connor said after a while, pulling her into the apartment. She was feeling fuzzy and lightheaded and a lot less uptight then when she’d walked in. Plus, Connor was being sweet and attentive and it felt nice. Maybe when they left the party she could have a real and long-overdue conversation with him—finally admit she was in love with him. She’d been saving from her job at a bookstore and she had enough for two bus fares out to Florida, and she couldn’t wait to leave and start their new lives far away from here.
“Whatever you’re thinking about, stop. Kiss me again,” he said, and kissed her before she’d had a chance to react. This time he tasted of weed and beer and was being a little rougher. “We’ll go inside for a minute, then back to my house.”
He brought the bottle of beer back to his mouth, took a long pull, and then tossed it across the room toward the garbage can, but he missed and didn’t bother getting up and throwing it away. The haziness and cloudiness in her brain intensified. She was feeling way too relaxed.
“Let’s just go now,” she said. “Why wait?” She wobbled a little side to side as she said it. How many beers had she had? The one in her hand was full and pretty cold but she remembered having drunk at least another one before—or maybe two more?
He chuckled. “Whoa,” he said, and held her elbow to keep from falling. He said something but she couldn’t understand most of it. “Why don’t you just stay right here? I’ll be right back and the
n we’ll take off.” He leaned her into the corner by the front door.
The apartment smelled. It was dirty and dark and made her feel much the same as that guy, Helm, had made her feel earlier. Uncomfortable. There were a lot of people drinking, people who looked thin and pale and were barely able to stand. She looked around while yawning and saw Connor reach into his back pocket and take out some money. He handed it to Helm, who nodded to Diego, who handed Connor something back. It wasn’t overtly obvious, mostly it was slid from one palm to another, but she saw it and anyone who was watching could see it too. Connor put whatever it was into his pocket, then they all did that stupid fist bump thing, and then he was beside her again.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.” He reached for her arm but she pulled it back.
“Tell me. What was that?”
“Don’t get loud, Liv. You don’t want to cause a scene.”
“Are you doing drugs? Like real drugs? Not just weed? Is it casual or all the time? Are—”
“She gonna be a problem?” Diego and Helm appeared by her side, trying to seem menacing but it didn’t matter because she felt brave and mad . . . and drunk and high. Not a good combination.
“This isn’t about you,” she said, pointing a finger at the two guys.
“Olivia,” Connor scolded her.
“Control your chick, Connor.”
“What the hell?” Olivia snapped. “I’m not anyone’s chick!”
“She’s fucked up. Ignore her. She’s not going to be a problem.” He took her by the elbow to pull her away, but she quickly reached into his back pocket and pulled out the little clear bag.
“Give me that!”
“I can’t fucking believe you’re doing drugs!” she said, holding the bag in her hand.
The three guys were staring at her as if she’d lost her damn mind and the way anger was rolling off of them caused her to take a step back. Everything went still for a moment, and then suddenly there was a commotion behind them.
By the time she’d turned her head around to look out the window, everyone was running out and someone was yelling “Cops!”
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