by Dev Bentham
Lisa gave him a funny look. “You’ll find someone someday,” she whispered.
Christ.
Mark tried to focus on Claire’s introductory remarks but he couldn’t concentrate. He plotted escape routes and tried out excuses he could give Lisa for never coming again. He concentrated on his breathing and tried to burrow past the fear. One of the guys made a joke about his son emerging holding a football. A couple of the other guys whooped. The mother of the future quarterback smiled indulgently at her partner.
Everyone seemed nice enough. Pleasant. Lisa was right, they wouldn’t bite him. Mark knew that. He wasn’t crazy. He had a PhD in applied mathematics, for Christ’s sake. How much more rational could you get? And yet he could not remember when he’d felt so alone. It was like one of those nightmares where people talked and he couldn’t understand what they were saying and everyone suddenly looked totally alien, like pod people.
“Excuse me.” Mark stood and bolted through the doorway. He could hear the silence he left behind.
Someone whispered, “Is he all right?”
He heard Lisa start to answer but sprinted toward the kitchen so he wouldn’t have to know what kind of excuse she made.
Mark leaned against the counter, his heart pounding, breathing raggedly. Tears stung his eyes but he blinked them back. Self-disgust roiled through him like a snake. He closed his eyes, trying to press through the chaos of his emotions. Something important darted through his consciousness, just beyond comprehension. If only he could quiet the riot inside, he might be able to see.
“You okay?” Claire’s voice was gentle behind him.
Mark shook himself. He looked at her sheepishly. “Yeah. Sorry to ruin your party.”
She smiled. “You didn’t ruin it. I have them doing breathing exercises.”
He started. “I should get back in there. Lisa…”
Claire’s hand restrained him. “Lisa joined another couple and she’s fine. This is my fault. I should have suggested individual classes for the two of you. I wasn’t thinking.”
Mark snorted. “It’s not your job to consider my neuroses. I’m not even the pregnant one.”
She shrugged. “Still, I should have been more sensitive.”
Mark met her gaze. “I was sort of okay and then I got hit by this wave of differentness, like I was from another planet or something.”
Claire leaned against the counter. “Keeping secrets is hard.”
He stared at her. “I know you think if I came out to the world it would solve everything, but it’s not that simple. I have plenty of other issues.”
She shrugged. “Maybe so. But think about it. Now, I need to get back there. You ready or do you need some more time?”
He inhaled deeply. Claire’s kitchen smelled of cinnamon and coffee and there was nothing he would have liked more than to stay there all evening. Mark shook his head. “No, I’ll come back. Lisa needs me.”
She smiled. “Good.”
Lisa looked up anxiously as Mark settled in the chair beside her.
He shook his head and whispered, “So, what am I supposed to do?”
She smiled. “Breathe with me.”
* * *
Mark scanned the dog park. No sign of Seth. Pulling a Frisbee from his pack, he whistled to Belle, who hurdled over, accompanied by a border collie and some sort of heeler mix. Mark whirled the Frisbee toward the back fence. All three dogs exploded after it. Belle won the first round and trotted back toward Mark, head high, displaying the green disk.
Mark smiled. “Proud of yourself?”
He accepted the Frisbee and threw it again. This time the border collie captured it midair. Mark watched him seem to decide whether to keep his prize or continue the game. Finally he sprinted to Mark and dropped the disk at his feet.
“Good boy.” Mark squatted. The dog stepped closer and allowed himself to be petted.
“Yours is the lab mix, right?” Mark turned to see an elegantly dressed elderly woman. “She’s very well behaved. I’m afraid my Fergus would be quite jealous if I petted your dog like that.”
“Thanks. Belle’s just grateful for other dogs to play with.” He stood, picking up the Frisbee. He nodded toward the border collie. “Is this yours? Fergus, is it?”
She nodded. “My husband is obsessed with the Celts.”
“May I?” Mark gestured with the Frisbee.
“Oh, please do. Anything to keep him running.”
Mark threw the Frisbee and the dogs sprinted after it.
“Border collies need a lot of exercise, you know,” his companion continued. “My grandson used to come over and run her but he’s at college now, so I’m afraid the poor thing is terribly bored. I’d love to be able to run with her myself.” She laughed lightly. “But we all need to work within our limitations, don’t we?”
The dogs were back with the Frisbee, which saved Mark from an answer. He wanted to think a man could overcome his limitations, but maybe that was too much to ask. He flung the Frisbee. It sailed over the fence. The dogs stared after it.
His companion smiled up at him. “You don’t know your own strength.”
Belle looked back at him with what he was sure was a mix of indignation and disgust, then wandered off to sniff around the base of an old stump.
His pocket rang, sending his heart racing. “Excuse me,” he told Fergus’s mom and turned to scan the park.
Seth lounged one bench closer than he had the day before.
“Hi,” Mark whispered into the phone, his heart doing its customary flip-flop. Something in his tone made the older woman smile softly as she strolled away.
Seth beamed from across the park. “Hey. Sorry I’m late but look at Freddie—he’s sniffing a butt. Now that’s what I call progress.”
Mark coughed. “Um, I guess.”
“What?” Seth laughed. “You’re just jealous. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t like to freely sniff some butts.”
Mark smiled. If he didn’t think about Seth sitting only a hundred yards away it was remarkably easy to talk with him on the phone. He almost relaxed. “I bow to your far more extensive experience.”
Seth chuckled. “It’s been a while. My last relationship left me gun-shy. And moving to a smaller town hasn’t exactly helped my love life.”
Mark glanced over at him. Seth looked cool and elegant draped across the park bench. “I find it hard to believe you don’t have lots of dates.”
Seth laughed. “I think you might be calling me a slut.”
Mark turned his back and paced away from Seth. He stammered, “No, no, that’s not what I meant. It’s only that you’re so, you’re, well, I mean, gorgeous.”
There was silence. Finally Seth said softly. “Thank you. You’re not bad yourself.”
Mark flushed. Even with his back turned he knew Seth watched him. The last thing he wanted was for Seth to see him being even more vulnerable. He cleared his throat. “So what happened in your last relationship?”
Seth sighed. Mark turned to see him stretch out further. “His name was Rick. My little sister claims he’s a sociopath but she’s always diagnosing my lovers. Let’s say he tended toward cruel.”
Mark had no idea what to say. “That sounds tough.”
Seth sat up straight. “Yeah, but I’m over it. And the truth is, we had very different priorities. I wanted the whole domestic picket fence thing and he, well, he valued his freedom.”
“So you’re domestic?” Mark couldn’t quite picture it.
Seth laughed. “Not really. I can barely boil water. It’s more that I was looking to settle down.”
Belle appeared carrying a stick. She wrestled for a moment before letting Mark have control, then sprung after when he threw it.
“She’s a beauty,” Seth said. “I love the way she runs.”
“Me too. She’s a good distance runner too. I’ve never worn her out.”
“Speaking of worn out, I need to get Freddie home while he’s still having a good time.” Seth stood. “Um, I’ve b
een thinking about our last conversation.”
Anxiety crept in. “Which part?”
“Something you said.” Seth cleared his throat. “Look, Saturday night I have rehearsal until ten but after that I’m free. Maybe we could hang out.”
Mark’s heart lurched.
Seth’s voice got even softer. “You could pretend you don’t know me. We don’t have to talk.”
The blood must have drained straight from Mark’s head to his dick, because he heard himself respond from a long way away. “Yeah.”
Chapter Ten
Mark stared at his book, reading and rereading the last sentence again. He gave up. He couldn’t focus. Seth’s proposition thrummed through his head like a mantra—we don’t have to talk, we don’t have to talk. It was the most exciting thing anyone had ever said to him. He felt fifteen. Since coming home from the dog park he’d jerked off twice and his cock still twitched at the thought of Seth and what they might do. He’d thought his earlier furtive exploits were exciting, but this, this was way over the top. His hand wrapped around his overworked penis. The poor guy would probably be rubbed raw by Saturday.
Belle’s ears perked up at the sound of a car door slamming. Mark stopped fingering himself as footsteps pounded up the sidewalk. By the time the door-banging started he had pulled on sweats and was striding into the hallway.
“Mark?” Lisa’s voice sounded sleepy.
“I got it. Go on back to sleep.” He strode past her door and into the front hallway. “Coming.”
The noise stopped. Mark opened the door to a wild-eyed Claire. She stood on the porch in her bathrobe, barefoot and red-eyed.
“What happened? Is something wrong with Grace?” He opened the door wider and she passed through.
Claire shook her head. “She’s fine. I dropped her at a friend’s. It’s—” Her voice caught.
Lisa appeared and immediately enfolded Claire in her arms. “Claire, honey. What’s wrong? Is it Kate?”
Claire nodded, her face buried in Lisa’s shoulder.
Mark slumped against the hallway wall. “She’s not…”
Claire pulled away from Lisa, shaking her head. “No. Or at least, I don’t think so. I’m not—” she gulped air, “—I’m not on her list of close family. She’s always been afraid…” She shook her head and wiped at her eyes. “Her sister emailed me that she’s been wounded. I tried to call her parents, find out what happened, but they won’t take my call. They’ve never approved of Kate’s lifestyle.” She spit out these last words with a dry laugh.
“Oh, that’s awful.” Lisa drew her into the kitchen.
Claire shrugged, slumping into a chair. “It is what it is.”
Lisa filled the kettle. “It’s wrong. Family is family, no matter what.”
Mark squeezed his sister-in-law’s shoulder and took the kettle. It wasn’t heavy but one emergency a night was plenty. He gestured for her to sit by Claire.
“So what do you know?” Lisa asked, covering Claire’s hand with her own.
Claire took a deep breath. “She’s still in country and as of a few hours ago she was alive.”
Lisa nodded. “Where was she stationed?”
Claire bit her bottom lip. “That’s just it. Last I heard she was in Kandahar Province. I thought maybe…”
Lisa straightened. Her laptop lay on the kitchen table and she flipped it open. “I’ll ask him to check on her. What’s her last name?”
“O’Toole. Katherine O’Toole.” Claire produced a slip of paper from her bathrobe pocket. “I brought all her identifying information.” She slid the paper across to Lisa, who typed it all into a message for Pete.
Lisa hit send. “If she’s there he’ll find her.”
Claire covered her mouth, squeezed her eyes closed.
The kettle whistled. Mark poured tea and set it in front of her.
“You should stay here until we hear from him,” Lisa announced.
Claire shook her head. “Grace.”
“Grace doesn’t need to see you this upset. Can she stay where she is now?”
Claire paused, then nodded.
“Okay, then it’s settled.” Lisa turned to Mark. “Can you make up the couch?”
Mark nodded and went to find sheets and blankets.
* * *
This time the ten-and-a-half-hour difference between Lacland and Kandahar worked in their favor. Ten at night in Lacland was after eight in the morning there. By the time Mark and Belle returned from their morning run, Pete had responded.
Yes, Kate was in his hospital. Her leg was badly fractured and she had burns and bruises that looked nasty but should heal up. She was stable and Pete expected they’d ship her to Germany for surgery soon. She wasn’t likely to have internet access before then, but he offered to pass along a note.
Mark left the women alone in the living room. Lisa cradled Claire while she wept. The war seemed suddenly very close. He fed Belle and fled to the gym for comfort.
When he returned, Claire stood beside the couch, a stack of bedding folded neatly beside her. She must have borrowed clothes from Lisa, an old pair of sweats and a tee shirt advertising one of Pete’s favorite bands. At the sight of Mark she put her finger to her lips and whispered, “Lisa’s sleeping. Where do these go?”
Mark shook his head. “I’ll take care of it. Where’s Belle?”
A thump sounded from Lisa’s room, followed by the click of toenails on wooden floors and the appearance of a sleepy-looking dog.
Claire gestured for Mark to accompany her. Picking up her folded bathrobe, she headed for the door. Mark and Belle followed. Outside Belle wandered toward her favorite tree. Mark walked Claire to her car, parked with one tire on the curb. The chill that had cooled him as he ran earlier was gone. It was going to be warm.
He touched Claire’s arm. “I’m glad Kate’s safe.”
She turned toward him. Her eyes blazed. “I can’t do this anymore. It’s bullshit.”
Mark stepped back, startled. “Can’t do what?”
Claire shook her head and blew out an explosive sigh. “Here’s what I want to say to you. If you’re not willing to be out all over your life, then it isn’t fair to your partner. This…” She waved her hand wildly, seeming to encompass the car, her crumpled robe, the long previous night. “I can’t tell you how crappy this is. Sure, Kate’s going to be okay and that’s great. But how would I know that if I didn’t happen to know someone whose husband works in the same hospital?” She stood silent for a minute, fists balled, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Pete will keep you posted—” Mark started.
“For now. But what about when she goes into surgery in Germany? I don’t know anyone in that hospital so…” She shook her head. “We have a lot of talking to do when Kate gets home. I can’t live like this anymore. I just can’t.”
Mark shifted from one foot to the other, unsure what to say.
Claire opened the car door and slid in. When she looked up at him again her eyes were soft and very sad. “I know you’re struggling with the whole coming-out process. And it can be hard, really hard. But whatever you decide, don’t leave anyone hanging like this. Make sure everyone knows your partner is your next of kin.” With that, she started the car and drove away, leaving Mark staring after her, wondering what to do with all the emotion she’d left behind.
* * *
The first music student arrived. Belle put her paws up on the arms of Mark’s chair and looked at him. He finished an email to a student, hit Send and turned toward her. Hot doggy breath bathed his face.
“You think we should go to the dog park.”
Belle jumped down and ran to the doorway, where she squatted and looked back at him expectantly.
“Didn’t you listen to any of Claire’s cautions today? I can’t promise him anything yet. I don’t know what I’m doing. Besides, I’m a bad bet. Seth deserves better.”
Belle continued to watch him. Her tail brushed back and forth across the floor.
He checked his watch. Seth’s first class started in an hour. He’d be leaving the dog park in probably half that time. Mark scooped car keys from the bureau, stopping to check his appearance in the mirror. Maybe he should change his shirt. He glanced down at Belle. “I know, I know, I’m sending mixed messages even to myself. How crazy must I seem to him?”
Mark spotted Freddie first. The greyhound bent gracefully to sniff a poodle behind her ears. Evidently he’d graduated to an off-leash afternoon. Seth leaned against an oak tree fifty feet away, his focus steady on Mark. As their eyes met a jolt of desire rocked Mark.
Seth held his gaze for a long moment before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cell phone. Mark scrambled for his own as he watched Seth dial. He answered on the first note of the ringtone.
“Hey.” Seth’s voice was low, very calm. “I’d almost given up on you.”
Mark turned away, the intensity of Seth’s gaze robbing him of speech and breath. He began walking away, whispering into his phone. “Maybe you should. Give up on me.”
During the silence that followed Mark willed himself not to turn around and look at Seth. Finally he heard, “Why should I do that?”
Mark found a bench and sank onto it, keeping his back to Seth. “Because I don’t know if I can do this. Do a relationship. Do open or honest or any of those human things. Christ, I can’t even sit in a room full of strangers and help Lisa breathe. Maybe I’m not meant for real connection. Maybe I’ll always be the guy on his knees in the dark.”
He was startled by Seth’s chuckle. “Is that image supposed to discourage me?”
Mark closed his eyes. “Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.” He turned and was surprised to see Seth standing closer, not within conversational range but close enough that he could see warmth in his eyes.
Seth squatted down as if making himself smaller, less threatening, like someone would with a scared puppy or a child. He cradled his phone close to his ear. “I know. And I think it’s okay if that’s what you want, but you could have more. You deserve more.”
Mark shook his head. “You don’t know that. I don’t even understand why you want me. I’m an emotional wreck.”