by Dev Bentham
Pete’s eyebrows rose. “Now you have to tell me.”
Mark took a deep breath. “It probably doesn’t matter since I can’t seem to…” He closed his eyes. “What I mean is that I think you should know that I’m gay.” He couldn’t believe the words tumbled out so easily.
He opened his eyes to Pete’s laugh. “That’s it? That’s the big revelation?”
“You knew?” Mark asked, incredulous.
Pete shrugged. “I’ve known you all your life. Of course I knew. Why else would I trust you all these months with my beautiful wife? Mind you, I had my doubts for a while when you were with Ruth.”
“I was never with Ruth, not like that.” Mark blushed in spite of himself.
Pete smirked. “I thought so.”
“Did Dad know?” Mark felt the sweat beading on his forehead.
Pete shook his head. “Not consciously. Although he was always so hard on you that sometimes I wondered.”
Mark sat back and crossed his arms. “He wasn’t any harder on me than he was on you.”
“Yes, he was.” Pete’s tone was firm. “He came down on you like a ton of bricks every time you asserted yourself. No wonder you eventually shut up.”
Mark stared at the screen. “I don’t remember that.”
Pete grunted. “Then get a different shrink, because it happened.”
Mark contemplated his brother in silence. Finally he said, “This isn’t how I imagined this conversation. I mean, my coming out to you.”
Pete grinned. “Sorry to disappoint. Should I cry or yell or something? Sorry, not feeling it. I’m happy you’re finally doing it.”
“But you haven’t told Lisa.” It was a statement, not a question.
Pete shrugged. “Not mine to tell.” He thought for a moment. “She’s led a pretty sheltered life. Don’t worry if she freaks out. I’m sure she’ll come around eventually.”
“I think I’ll hold off until after the baby is born. She has enough on her mind. I wanted to wait to tell you but I’m sort of tired of the whole hiding-out thing.”
Pete scowled. “Wait, does this mean you’ve met someone? Shit.”
Mark sat back and stared at the screen. “Excuse me?”
“Crap. Now I’m being an ass. It’s just that I really need you to be there for Lisa and the baby.” He shook his head. “God, this is coming out all wrong. I mean, how selfish can I be? I should be thrilled for you, but damn, the timing sucks.”
Mark’s stomach clenched. “I won’t abandon her. I gave you my word.”
Pete closed his eyes. “Right, of course. I’m being stupid.” He straightened. “I’m happy you for and glad you told me.” But he didn’t look glad. Pete looked anxious and exhausted.
“You’re right. Lisa and the baby need to come first. Besides,” Mark said with a snort, “it’s probably a nonissue. I don’t know if anyone would want to get involved with someone this messed up.”
Pete shook his head. “Are you crazy? Whoever he is, he’d be lucky to have you. Forget what I said before. You should go for it.” He yawned. “We’ll talk more later. Right now I need to get some sleep.”
Right, because most people don’t dump big news on their relatives in the middle of the night. Very considerate, Mark, old boy. “Yeah, of course. Thanks, Pete. Take care of yourself.”
“Love you, man. Don’t tell Lisa I called. I don’t want her knowing I’m worried.” He straightened suddenly. “I almost forgot. Your friend shipped out to Germany this morning.”
Mark nodded. “Thanks. I’ll tell Claire.”
He was still nodding when Pete signed off and Mark became again aware of the world beyond his computer screen. The bedroom air felt heavy and still, filled with clunking piano music. He stood and began pacing the little bedroom. He tried to assimilate the thought that Pete knew, had always known. And what Pete said about their dad? He remembered his father’s disapproving voice, his looming anger. So Pete hadn’t had as much of that. Well, their dad was dead. What was Mark afraid of now?
And then there was the question of Lisa and the baby. Pete was probably right—getting involved with anyone now would be selfish. He’d asked his brother to come to Lacland to look after Lisa, and what was Mark doing? Mooning over some guy. He’d been so busy thinking about Seth that he’d hardly checked on Lisa all day. She needed more than steady meals from him. He should be on top of her medical condition. Probably should be taking her blood pressure every hour or something.
And what if they lost communication with Pete again? Pete wanted him to take care of her no matter what. Mark needed to focus. He certainly shouldn’t be checking his email every few minutes to see if Seth wanted him. Whatever he and Seth had started would have to wait. His family needed him now.
Mark cursed. Belle looked up from the bed, where she’d been sacked out most of the day.
He looked at her and took a deep breath. “It looks like we’re staying here for a long time, girl. You okay with that?”
Belle wagged her tail.
Mark threw her a treat from his pocket. “Lisa’s going to need us until Pete gets home. Which means it’s stupid for me to keep paying rent on the apartment. I’ll call the landlord and give her a month’s notice. I can stick all our stuff in storage.”
Belle’s tail thumped against the bed, she looked at Mark expectantly.
He tossed her another cookie. “I know what you’re thinking. We liked that place. But really, it’s a cheap basement apartment in a marginal neighborhood. I think I can find us something comparable when the time comes. Maybe in Lacland. I mean, later afterwards. If there’s a reason to stay. Although that’s probably not. We can’t think about that now. At least not until the baby is born.”
Mark opened his top drawer and pulled out his workout clothes. “I’m sorry but I have to get to the gym.” He shrugged out of his clothes and into shorts and a tank. Lacing his shoes he nodded toward the door. “I know what you’re thinking: how can I leave you alone with all that racket? How about a spin around the block before I leave?”
She leaped from the bed and sat staring up at the doorknob until Mark’s hand appeared. Guess she had some excess energy left to burn too.
By the time Mark settled Belle in his room post-run, refilled her water bowl and headed back out, the plodding beginning student had been replaced by a much more graceful musician. At least he didn’t need to feel guilty about that.
Poking his head into the living room, he told Lisa to call his cell if she needed anything. She gave him a tired smile and a nod before returning her attention to the pimply boy beside her.
Mark ducked into the weight room, more crowded in the afternoon than during his usual early-morning routine. The place smelled vaguely of disinfectant and strongly of sweat. The weight machines were all in use. A middle-aged man with a pronounced paunch grunted his way through a circuit, followed impatiently by another, smaller man who looked around guiltily every time he lowered the weight load on a machine. Two young women counted each other’s reps and chattered.
Mark’s agitation began to melt in the familiar environment. He avoided everyone and found a bench by the free weights. He needed a high-rep, low-weight workout, something that took a while, where the burn would creep up on him over time. He wanted to work his muscles until he stopped thinking.
He’d go home, fix Lisa a nice dinner and give her all his attention. This whole thing with Seth, coming out, getting over his anxiety, all that would have to go on hold. It wasn’t fair to Lisa and it wouldn’t be fair to Seth, who didn’t deserve a wacko like Mark. Of course, Mark hadn’t heard from him all day. So it looked like Seth wasn’t interested anyway.
He shook his head. He was acting like a teenage girl, bleating, Why won’t he call me? Good thing he was going back to his celibate life. Clearly he wasn’t cut out for human relationships.
“Hey, I thought maybe you’d call.” A figure loomed over him.
Mark squinted. It took a minute to recognize him. “James, r
ight? From the doctor’s office.”
James put one hand on his hip and glared down. “Nice of you to remember.”
Mark’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry. Am I missing something?”
James flopped down beside him. “Nah, I’m just yanking your chain. How’s your sister-in-law?”
Mark went back to his curls. “Seems fine. I guess we go back in tomorrow.”
James shook his head. “Placenta problems are tricky. Although most women survive nowadays.”
Mark stopped moving and stared at him. “Most but not all?”
James blushed. “That came out wrong. I think it’s pretty uncommon for things to go very wrong. But she should take it easy, just in case.”
Mark switched the weight to his left hand and began to pump.
James picked at a piece of lint on his sweats. “Are you, um, seeing anyone?”
Mark considered the question. Was he? He looked at James, an attractive enough man, well groomed, clean shaven. He looked like he was in pretty good shape. So why didn’t he give Mark the stammering willies? For one instant he considered taking James up on his obvious offer. Wouldn’t it be interesting to have sex with someone who didn’t freak him out?
Mark shook his head. “It’s not a good time for me to be involved with anyone right now. I mean, with Lisa and all.”
James raised his eyebrows. “Aren’t you the serious one? I wasn’t exactly proposing a long-term thing.”
Mark smiled. “I’m sure I’d be a happier man if I could take you up on that but….”
James stood. “Yes, you would. And if you ever change your mind, decide to walk on the wild side as it were, you know where to find me.” And with a wave he was gone.
Mark finished his set and walked home to cook Lisa dinner.
* * *
Mark lay on his bed reading, Belle stretched beside him, her flank warm against his thigh. He could hear Lisa in the living room practicing. Haydn?
His phone buzzed. Mark blinked at the screen. Of course it was Seth, who else would it be? His heartbeat quickened. It was crazy how happy the call made him and how much he dreaded answering.
“Hi,” he finally croaked.
“Hi.” Seth’s voice felt like a beam of sunlight. “We’re on break. I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to see if you’re free later.”
Mark closed his eyes. It wasn’t what he wanted to say but it was better for everyone. “Look, Seth. I can’t. This isn’t a good time for me, what with Lisa and all.”
Silence.
Mark stumbled on. “I can’t leave her alone. Pete’s counting on me and I have to—”
Seth interrupted sharply. “I get it. No problem.” He paused, cleared his throat and continued. “You’ll still come to the show on Friday though, right? Obviously Kate won’t be picking up her ticket, so Claire could use some sympathetic companions. And I know Lisa said she wanted to come.”
Mark nodded wildly at the ceiling. “Sure, yeah. We’ll be there.”
“I’ll leave comps at the door.” The tightness in Seth’s voice made him cringe. “I gotta go now.” And he disconnected.
Mark lowered the phone slowly. He’d turned down two men in one day. Feast or famine. Concentrating on Lisa was the right thing to do. He knew it. He reached to stroke Belle’s ruff. So why was he suddenly exhausted?
Chapter Thirteen
Mark hit the gym when it opened and avoided the dog park. Seth didn’t call. Mark and Belle ran south every day, taking the same route through a middle-class neighborhood where swing sets dotted yards and every couple blocks they’d swerve to avoid plastic wagons and overturned trikes. On Tuesday he accompanied Lisa to the doctor, where James treated him with cool professionalism. Even Lisa seemed withdrawn as her body took more and more of her attention. Mark provided food and prepared students for the end of semester push, finals, projects, papers, panic. He exercised himself and his dog and plowed through his own prescribed reading list. His life felt ordered, calm, familiar and unexpectedly empty.
Thursday afternoon he came home from a run to find Lisa pacing the living room.
She scowled at him. “Get me out of here. I don’t care where we go but if I spend one more minute in this house I’m going to explode.”
Mark blinked. Graduate school hadn’t prepared him for what to do with the crazy pregnant lady. “Um, you want to go to the beach?”
Lisa nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, anywhere.”
Mark trotted to the laundry room for some fresh towels and escorted Lisa and Belle to the car.
He rolled down the windows. The air smelled like summer, fresh-mowed lawns as they moved through town, pines on the road to the beach. Belle hung her head out the rear window, tongue flapping in the wind. He spotted the gravel turnoff to Lander’s Point south even before Lisa pointed it out.
As soon as they stopped Lisa heaved herself out of the car and arched, her belly a giant balloon. She waddled down the path to the beach, talking over her shoulder to Mark. “I thought I wanted to go for a long walk but now I think I’ll sit down.”
Mark lurched forward and slid a towel under her the instant before she collapsed onto a fallen log.
She smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I thought I had more energy than I do.”
Mark sat and patted her leg. “Don’t worry about it. You’re doing great.”
Lisa leaned against his arm. “I’m glad you’re here.”
They watched the lake in silence. A slight breeze stirred up ripples on the lake but otherwise it was calm. A loon called from across the water.
Lisa jumped slightly. “Oh, he’s moving around today.” She sat up and looked at Mark. “You want to touch?”
Mark stared at her. She smiled and took his hand, settling it gently on her belly. He stared at his hand on the soft cotton of her top. Suddenly a hard lump rippled across her belly. Mark pulled his hand back in surprise.
Lisa laughed. “Uncle Mark, meet your nephew—” she paused and caught Mark’s eye, “—your nephew Marcus Leo Apostopolos.”
Mark stared at Lisa and then at her belly. “Marcus?” he sputtered.
Lisa took his hand and placed it back on her belly. “We thought about naming him Stephan after your dad and Leo after mine, but Pete said you were always his real family. And after these last few months, you’ve been so wonderful and kind that I have to agree.”
Tears stung his eyes. He blinked them back. “Thanks,” he croaked. Something hard punched into his palm.
Lisa grinned. “I think he likes you.”
Mark leaned down and whispered to her belly, “Like me if you want, and I’m proud to share our name, but for God’s sake don’t take after me. Be brave and easygoing, like your dad.”
“What did you say?” Lisa looked at him strangely.
“Just talking to my nephew.” Mark stood and walked to the shoreline, picking up sticks to throw for Belle. Still, he couldn’t help but smile.
* * *
Lisa and Claire arranged everything for Friday. Claire was to come to dinner. Then the three of them would drive to the theater together. Mark was left in charge of dinner and his own anxiety. He dealt with the first by driving with Belle to the natural foods market. She stayed in the car. The store smelled of coffee and cinnamon.
Mark was drawn deeper into the store by the smell of fresh-baked bread. He selected a whole-grain loaf still warm from the oven and wandered to the dairy section, where he loaded the cart with eggs, milk and yogurt, foods he’d read on the internet were good for pregnant women. In the meat section he found free-range chicken, and in produce fresh kale and salad greens. In dried goods, quinoa looked odd and difficult, but a tall, strong-looking woman with a child hanging from each arm assured him it would be good for his very pregnant sister-in-law. At the checkout he grabbed a bag of organic dog biscuits for Belle and dark chocolate for himself.
Handling his anxiety was another matter. His old tricks didn’t seem to do the job. First thing Friday morning he worked
his muscles until they burned. With Belle he ran through a chunk of the afternoon, arriving home with barely enough time to shower, dress and start dinner. Even so, he stood under the shower for a long time, trying to ease the tension in his neck and shoulders. Finally he realized that wasn’t where the tension started, so he made himself come into the streaming water, pretending the images in his mind had nothing to do with Seth.
His best shirt and pants had been hanging, clean and crisply ironed, in his closet since Wednesday. His fingers trembled slightly on the buttons. As fear went, it was far from debilitating. His stomach fluttered, he couldn’t concentrate and his heart rate was up. But not pounding. And he wasn’t sweating—well, not much. It would be okay. He’d watch the dance and come home. He wouldn’t even need to talk with Seth. Maybe they could start again when the baby was born and after Mark had straightened himself out.
He smiled. That wasn’t quite the right term.
He would wait until after dinner to put on his coat and tie, which seemed too formal for Pete and Lisa’s kitchen. Besides, he was the cook. He rolled up his sleeves and went in search of an apron.
* * *
Claire looked tired. She tried to smile as he took her coat but it came out lopsided.
He led her toward the kitchen. “Have you heard from Kate yet?”
She nodded. “We spoke this morning. The surgery went well. It looks like she’ll be home by the end of the month.”
“That’s wonderful,” Lisa said, starting to her feet from her station by the kitchen table.
Claire waved her down and bent to hug her. She had tears in her eyes. “You’re right. It’s great. I’m being a wimp tonight and feeling sorry for us both. Don’t humor me.” She patted Lisa’s belly. “And how’s the squirrel?”
Lisa smiled. “Still kicking.”
Claire sat across from her. “That’s a good thing.”
Mark handed Claire a glass of wine. He poured milk into a wineglass and gave it to Lisa.
She sighed. “At least it’s not spinach juice again.”