When It's Cold I'd Like to Die
By
K.G. Laurence
Edited by K.G. Laurence
& A. Heald
© Copyright All rights reserved.
I am never here, I feel like a ghost, of everything that I have lost I miss my mind the most.
-Anonymous
ZERO
"...He's so weird!"
"We're not letting him play with us!"
"Don't worry, I don't think he can talk anyway, he's probably stupid or something..."
"...Let's play!"
"'ello!"
"Hellooo?! yoo-hoo!"
"Are you crying? you gone all sleepy? or are you just pretending?"
"Hey?!"
"...Wake up!"
ONE
God it's so cold. I hate the cold... I'm freezing.
Even with the heat on I'm still cold... I don't even know what's worse anymore, the cold I'm feeling from the weather, or the cold I feel when I'm around others.
As usual I'm alone... alone in my new apartment, alone as I stare out of this window...
Alone... Thank god!
The only thing worse than being alone is dealing with other people, and sometimes, I wonder to myself, that if apathy truly is the disease of today, then surely stupidity is a symptom.
People are so full of shit nowadays, I don't even know how they hold it all in.
It's the springtime, apparently... Spring? it still feels more like winter... what if spring doesn't come this year? what if we go straight past spring, and into summer? Wait... what if summer doesn't even come, and it's just one long winter forever and ever?
I'm 23 years old and there is nothing remotely remarkable about me in anyway, whatsoever. Not one damn thing. Nothing. I am the kind of person who could die, right here and right now, and the only people who would even notice would be the people who would have to deal with my body after I'm gone.
I don't believe in life after death, so I shouldn't actually care about any of this, but still, I wonder... I wonder if I died right now, what they would think about me after they bagged and tagged the corpse? would they look around my apartment, my flat? would they go through my belongings and clear out all my things? could they see past how relatively boring and normal everything looks in here, and see who I really was? would they wonder why most of the walls are pink, and think I was gay? and simply because I've been far too lazy to paint them since I moved in.
I wonder, could they see through everything, see through me? If so, would they see that I was a "failure" ...could they? a "failure" a "shut in" a "loser" would any of them care?
No, of course not, why would they? Pft, even I don't care.
Still, sometimes I can't help but wonder if I actually chose to live this way, or if it chose me.... and other times I wonder if there is even a difference at all. I also tend to question the idea that if modern society does indeed consider me a so-called "loser" much like I suspect, simply because of the way I am, then what exactly does that make everyone else out there?... Winners?
Ha! ...no, somehow, I don't think so.
...It doesn't matter. I need to work, I can't keep sitting on this ledge looking out of this.. this, window anymore as I watch all these people scurrying about down there.
Chinatown... how did I get here? I'm not even Chinese... or am I? Scientists say that if you go far back enough, everyone’s ancestry is homogeneous, and that we're all from the same place genetically. I don't know about that. I'm not like other people...
I can never stop thinking negative thoughts, couple that with the fact I can never stop thinking, PERIOD, and well, you can see that logistically I might have a serious problem.
Damn it! If I could just stop thinking! if I stop the wheels in my mind from turning, and turning, and turning, over and over! and thinking about every stupid little thing! If I could stop this, then I could probably work... but I can't switch this off and I've tried, believe me, behavioural therapy, meditation, nothing works. I don't need to shut it off though. I just need to sit down and work... I need to trade, and if I'm thinking about that, then I'm not thinking about...
Ok, sat down, alright... I had a pretty decent day yesterday, but there's only so far you can go now by shorting stocks, because these days there are more algorithms running through the markets than traders, still, it keeps the roof over me, the alcohol flowing, and food on the table... so it's all good, besides, I don't even want to think about any other possible employment alternatives.
"I SAID! DON'T YOU SHIT ON THE CARPET!!!"
Ok, logged in, now... Wait, what's that sound? Not again! why do people have to make so much damn noise?! Yes, shout at your dog why don't you? because it's HIS fault that you’re a mouth-breathing concrete-mixing dickhead, with the brains of a empty sock draw.
*BANG!*
Yeah, sure! slam that door, well done! you've successfully mastered the first part of the general idiot test! "always remember to slam any door that you walk through, because you are far too irredeemably stupid to simply close said door!" Good job! you passed with flying-fucking-colors!
Now for the next part: "learn to lose the ability to control the volume of your loud, idiot voice!"
...Ok!
So, now, make sure you breath deep into your lungs, turn off your "brain" and then start to shout every pointless little thing you want to say that comes into your fat, vacant, fuck-stick head, as loud as humanly possible, and at the very top of your voice! I mean, sure you got neighbours and everything! but who cares about them, right?! ...Fuck them!
I'm so glad the walls are so thin here, and the people so thick... Now go and put your day-glow fluorescent, special-needs idiot jacket on and leave... Toad.
...So, what's happened today so far? this one is.... Six points? ...really?! ..six? *whew* BTFD doesn't even matter anymore, huh? it's all completely negligible when everything is this backasswards since the crash.
Gee, I'm so glad that ultra-high frequency trading is still going so strong, I really am! never mind that between the fact it caused the global derivatives market to completely collapse in the first place, and then everything else soon afterwards, of course, and all because of total systemic deregulation... So then what happens? yeah, ok, fine, whatever... and I guess afterwards you should keep right on using it again... and why don't you make it go even faster this time? sure! I mean, why not?! Assholes.
*A dog whines loudly downstairs*
I th... Ah, what now?! not again! c'mon, don't whine, please, ...why would you even pine for someone like that to come back to you? when he spends all this free time abusing you, screaming at you, and sometimes even kicking you, and you want him to come back? you want him back?... what are you, stupid?! oh, of course you are, you're a dog, but still, why?
Stop. Just stop! I can't work like this! You sound like...
TWO
I am the kind of person where if something is popular I will automatically avoid it on general principal, this includes people.
Let's say I'm not exactly what you'd call a "people person" I guess I'm what you'd call an "old soul" or was it a "lost soul?" ...or maybe it's just an asshole, I forget.
Anyway, I never really had any close friends when I was in school... well, maybe just one, this continued throughout high school and beyond, no real reason, I just never bothered trying to talk to anyone.
Why? I don't know, people always tired me out too fast, they would quickly drain my energy and my interest with whatever pointless and boring things they all talked about, such as obsessing over whatever the new and irrelevant popular fad of the moment is, as well as other useless things that go right along with their meaningless flavor of the day topics, buzzw
ords... memes... and other nonsense that they always seemed to concern themselves with. For instance, why the hell would I want to hear some meaningless gossip about what some phony "celebrities" are doing?
I mean, who cares?
As far as I'm concerned, nobody sane would ever care about some random tabloid media whore with no discernible skills or talents anyway.
Of course, most of them were always completely obsessed with various false media images, as well as preoccupied by their own fake appearances, which I always found more than a little disturbing to be honest. Still, it was more than that, it was worse... and the way they all talked to each other about those absurd things, they seemed kinda, I dunno... Superficial? ....Fake? and well, the ones that weren't necessarily "fake" always seemed to try too hard, and ended up coming off as complete frauds anyway.
I never really had any interesting stories to tell about school, at least none about me. I fell strictly under the radar to pretty much everyone. I was the invisible man, but I have to admit it was pretty great, 'cause I didn't have to deal with all the people I didn't like! Anyway, I honestly liked being alone, hell, it beats standing around all day trying to look and act cool like everybody else.
Yeah, I've seen more than enough of you phonies and your ideas of what's "cool" and if you guys are supposed to be the cool ones? well then, forgive me if don't hand in my "loser" cards just yet...
Still, back in school I was the guy whose name the teachers repeatedly forgot, despite taking the exact same classes for a year. I was a good student, sure, but back in high school, at least at my school... usually any kid with academically achieving tendencies tended to... how should I say it? "get the shit kicked out of them by morons". Well, usually at some point anyway.
That never happened to me, thankfully, even though I could have come close once or twice. Maybe I really was invisible? ...or weird, regardless, like I said..
Under the radar.
It was around the time of my birthday, I had just turned 17, and there was this one time I had just left class, I was walking down the hall and it was busy, too many people, noisy, trying to ignore it all. I was over-thinking, as usual...
*Sounds of a school bell, people shouting, running, lockers banging*
...Why take the exam there? what happened to the main hall? last time we used the hall... I don't understand... So you're going to put thirty two of us in AV room number two, upstairs? is something so pointless as "band practice" worth messing with all our exams? can't we all wait just one extra week to play god-awful, off-key renditions of There'll Always Be an England?
Wait just a second... that room is so small... too small! so how the hell is this going to work exactly?! are we going in, group-by-group six or seven at a time? well now, that's just stupid! and besides, where is the fat examiner going to go? Hm? ..is he going to stand outside, on the other side of the window, tapping in morse code to communicate basic things? or is he going to sit on the projector, projecting his big fat-ass for all to see? Ok, here's a better idea, how about you stupid...
"...Uh?"
(Huh? What's "Uh" uh what? ...is that coming from behind? is it directed at me? sounds like it... Don't care, and I'm not even turning around! So you better not be talking to me!)
"...Hey!"
(Here we go, I better keep walking. Ignore, don't want to communicate with anyone. Ever.)
"Uh.. Hello?! ..Wait!"
(...Oh great! now he's standing right in front of me! What the hell do I do?! push? I might push.... No! shit! ...I can't! I'm being blocked on either side! Sluts to the left of me, meatheads to the right, here I am! Wait... I think I've seen this guy before somewhere...)
"You were in my class just now, weren't you?"
(Who is this goofball? Skinny kid, short with black hair. Pft! what is that a bowl cut?! glasses, freckles, real goofy lookin' ...a nerd?! What class? yeah, I'll say that...)
"...What class?"
"Ah, we just had Calculus a second ago, also, you're in English Lit and Macroeconomics. So you have those 'cause I've seen you in there before... you are with me in them, aren't you? and we had Geography with Jones before lunch as well, that was you too, right?"
(Well, shit... Can't get out of this one *sigh* Say yeah...)
"...yeah."
(What the hell?! How did he know? I always sit at the back!)
"Ha! yeah, I thought so! I recognised you right away!"
(Ohmygod... He can smell loser on me! Get it off! GET IT OFF!)
"...L-Listen, guy.. I, I have something that I need to take care of... it was nice meeting you..."
(...Get out of my way! Good! I'm going around! Now, just keep walking, outside, towards the large tree in the yard... Shit, he'll probably try and follow me though...)
"Oh, ok. Something to take care of you say? ...I'll come with you then. I have something I really want to talk to you about!"
(I knew it! This idiot! Can't he take a hint?! How can I put this to him as obviously as humanly possible? FUCK OFF!!! Yeah! say that!)
"W, what is it you want to talk to me about?"
(...Brilliant, nearly there. Although the assertiveness may be a bit lacking...)
"Oh, nothing much, it's just that me and a few other guys you see, we kinda have this thing..."
(Yes, we're male, we all have "this thing" y'see, it's what makes us different from girls! Heh, and guess what happens when you pull on it a few times?! ...Wait, getting vivid images about this guy... Not good.)
"... It's like a club really, but, well, it's not... see, we use the back of the science lab most of the time, usually after school..."
(Are you still following me, really? ...Are you still talking to me?! ...SERIOUSLY?!)
"... and, because of uneven numbers, we need exactly one other person for the group! see, the way it is now, it makes certain role-playing games and card games a bit of drag. So, I was wondering..."
(Yes, of course you want me to join, and of course I will! because, obviously, I have nothing better to do than hang about with you people. People that are even infinitely more unpopular than I am!)
"No thanks."
(Eat that! Suck it down! ...Swallow it!)
"If you'd like to jo.... Huh? what was?... you mean, you.. you don't want to join my club?"
(That's right! you can shove it! ....I'd rather be brutally sodomised with a rusty chainsaw...)
"No, it's not that, it's just that, I'm, I'm always busy after school..."
(You're telling it like it is chief, see, if you spend too much time around other people, you'll only end up as stupid as they are, and besides, I'm not even lying, I am busy after school, busy doing absolutely anything besides hanging 'round with losers like you! ..you and all the other stupid, annoying people that I don't like... Can't forget about them!)
"...Sorry."
"No, it's totally not a problem! see, we use the science lab pretty much all the time, not just after school! and get this... it's still lunch time! I'm even heading there right now! so you see it's ok! You can still join!"
(...God help me. Or there will be blood!)
"First, wait a second friend... Man, I even invited you to join! but I forget the obvious sometimes! Let me introduce myself, my name is..."
(Papercut... I don't care what your name is. You're an annoying, painful, little papercut that I can't get rid of. Besides, I'm too busy thinking to myself right now, and because of that I'm not listening to you, regardless.... Still talking? la-la-la, don't care. From now on your name is Papercut!)
"...Pleased to meet you!"
(Greetings, Papercut! Goodbye!)
"Listen, I really have to g..."
(Wait a... who is this walking towards us?!)
"Hi Amanda! You going to the lab to see the guys?"
(This girl... Amanda?!?!)
When It's Cold I'd Like to Die Page 1