....What the, it's nearly midnight, who the hell could that be?
I'd better check, quietly.
*Knock knock*
Peepholio says it's... Amanda? what?! why?.... should I open it?
*Door opens*
"... Amanda? what is it? it's practically midnight. Is, is something wrong?"
"...c, can I come in?"
"Sure, I suppose."
*Door closes*
"What is it? is everything ok?"
"Jack... I was thinking about what you said before."
"Ok, I know and I apologise all right? I don't think Bert is a moronic half-wit, whose very genes and presence contaminate the entire planet, and any space that he currently occupies. No really! not at all..."
"No, Jack, this isn't about Bert... It's about what you said to me."
"Oh, really! so... you're thinking about getting a dog?! Well, that's great! congratulations! do you have a specific breed in mind, or? you do know... that there are animals that need rescuing right this moment! and... Wait a second, isn't it a little too late at night to be telling me this? couldn't you at least have waited until morning?"
"No, Jack, you don't understand..."
"You know with Bert being gone, it reminded me of how much I hate being alone... how do you do it? be alone all the time?"
"I, uh, er, it's f, fairly easy! all you really need is a r-room with a d-door that locks from the inside..."
"That's funny, is that because your feeling nervous? feeling nervous of me?"
"N, No."
"Why are you nervous of me Jack? don't you want me? haven't you always?"
"...I"
"You said I was "beautiful"
"Y..."
"You said I was "Intelligent"
"D..."
"...That I can do so much better than him. Well, can I?"
"Definitely, b, but Amanda.... I-I don't know If that's me..."
"Jack. I don't want to be alone! Please don't leave me alone... I can't stand it!"
*Amanda kisses Jack... he let's her*
FIFTY THREE
Was I having another one of those dreams again?
I'm not sure.
Well, the sheets appear to be dry, but I've had dreams like that be...
*Jack looks to his right*
...There she is.
.Dreams can come true sometimes, huh?
Now what do I do? is she asleep? because it's supposed to be good when a woman goes straight to sleep right after sex... or is it during? I'm not too sure...
I'm also not sure if she's is actually sleeping, because she has her back to me... well, either way, I suppose this has to be better than if she's wandering around the room calculating Pi, or attempting to solve the Riemann hypothesis or something, that's for sure.
*Amanda stirs*
"...Jack?"
"Uh. Good morning, Amanda."
"... What time is it?"
"Um, it's a little after nine."
".... I should go."
*Amanda starts to get dressed*
"What? w, why? I know, why don't we go out somewhere? you know? for coffee again, or something?"
"No Jack, I can't, I have things to do today. Maybe later, ok?"
"Well, alright then."
" Jack, have you seen the rest of my clothes?"
"Hm? oh, you left them in the living room I think. Uh, you want something to drink? I have coffee! no milk, uh, vegan... but I have gin! and well, er, honestly... I only really have gin and coffee in right now... but your welcome to it! You want?"
"No... not right now Jack. I have to get going. No, it's fine you stay there and sleep. I'll let myself out."
"Ok, I'll see you later on then?"
"....sure."
"Ok, bye, then Amanda."
"...bye."
FIFTY FOUR
...Well that's ok, I guess... I'll see her later on.
Along with Amanda, lately I've been thinking a lot about "God" and reading about different religions, as well as reality, reincarnation, life, death, y'know? that sort of thing... but only on a strictly intellectual basis, mind you. I am a staunch atheist! well, I was... right now I'm fairly agnostic, uh, well, sometimes at least... and if you stretched it.
Man... I certainly STRETCHED a few things last night, didn't I?! ha-ha!
...Wait... is.. was that me?
Anyway, being agnostic pretty much translates to "sitting on the fucking-fence" and it's on that particular fence, while high up, and sitting comfortably above the cretins, that you can observe all the other backwards idiots, such as the zealoted-morons, and mouth-breathing fundamentalists of the world...
So from up there, you can watch these various imbeciles shouting at each other and stomping about on either side... and still, of course, they're below you, as they continue to ceaselessly argue amongst themselves and get nowhere ...all the while forever violently-throwing bricks and bottles at one another!
A hypothesis, for as much as a fan of Occam's razor I tend to be, I've noticed that it CAN, unfortunately cause some various logistical problems... For instance, if you go purely by Occam's razor alone, as far as all of creation is concerned... you can run into complication with absolutes.. if and when the razor starts to cut deep enough, you see.... and if you really try to go far back enough by actually simplifying everything then... doesn't that mean that the creation of everything is attributed to a single point, to... to something which COULD be called... "God?" or in the very least, traced all the way back to a single creative-consciousness... or even a sentient creative event that existed before both space and time?
.... Wait... what I meant to say is... think about it, evolution, sure, obviously... but then, then you go much further back until you get to the big-bang at least... and... and then what? ...there had to something, a catalyst... at the very least relating to all this causality that's involved. It didn't "just happen" nothing just happens. Especially at the birth of all creation... did I? am... am I thinking all of this?!
Hmm... anyway... I'll tell you what God isn't though! some white-robed asshole with a beard, who's sat around looking down at everyone and sitting on a load of stupid-fucking-clouds! ...yeah, you wanna know how I know this with absolute certainty?! simple.... one word... SPACE!
The only way that I could now virtually conceive in the existence of a "God" and what it may actually be, is this. When I was a kid, I always figured if there was anything like a "God" that he'd be, y'know? like a force of nature or something... a natural order of things, if you will. If he, or it exists that is...
Being serious for once, and without going back to poking fun at the ridiculous dogma, and all the stupid zealots. I never understood how you could worship something, when in reality you don't actually know what that something really is, or even what it could be. It seems to me that ignorance is the only real religion on this planet, and it sure is prevalent enough that it seems to be practiced by most...
Then you've got Christians saying that Christ came by the will of "God" and then through "dogma" most of those exact same Christians try to tell us that Christ was perfect... Oh really? well, ok then... So... did he shit?
...You see, people don't actually like to deal with reality, so they pick and change specific parts to suit their needs, and then? well, then it's no longer reality anymore, is it? Hell, they do it all the time to simply run away from it all, be it from controversy, or any other so-called "inconvenient" truths.
Why? I'll tell you why! because their too weak to deal with it the way it is...
Cowards!
FIFTY FIVE
"I'm STILL hearin' that fucking-band-of-fucking-assholes playing all the damn time! Will you all just GET A FUCKING JOB ALREADY!!!"
"I swear, I'm the guy a couple of years from now, who after completely losing his GODDAMN mind! will be standing on a street corner somewhere, raving and wearing a sandwich board with a sign that says, REPENT! FOR THE END OF THE DE... No! Fuck! I meant ...THE END OF THE WOR
LD IS NIGH!"
"I'm sick of it all! the only good things that ever happen to me anymore come from all that fucking chaos inside my head! ..it's all I have left now, along with the hate! and now, now it's become my mantra ...it's also becoming spent, redundant. It's becoming just another word..."
"...I hate everything! I, I... I'm so tired of hating everything!"
"It's been like a week or something! Where the fuck is Amanda?! ...why hasn't she called?! ...why hasn't she knocked?! why do I have to do absolutely fucking everything?!"
"life's all cocksucking and bullshit... and they're nothing but blowjobs and lies!"
"...It's not like I can just stop thinking about her either! I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't concentrate!"
"I, is it something that I did wrong? ....WHAT?! ...Wait, is this maybe because she feels guilty? or, or something?! WHY?! For cheating on that, that amoeba?! that fucking PLANKTON of a boyfriend?! Again, why?! ...fuck him! it's not like he wouldn't do the same in her position!"
(... it's time.)
FIFTY SIX
Today, I'm going to try and speak to Amanda, for the first time since... Oh forget it, let's just see what happens...
*Knock knock knock*
(I finally figured out the real reason I always wanted to be alone...)
*Footsteps*
(I...)
*Door opens*
"Yes? oh, Jack, it's you... what do you want?"
"Ok, so what's the deal?"
"... I don't understand, with what?"
"Oh come off it! you know, with you just walking out on me like that, what's the deal?"
"... So this is how you come to apologise, is it? hmpf! ...why am I not even surprised? Goodbye, Jack."
*Amanda attempts to shut the door, Jack forcefully stops it with his hand*
"Listen Amanda! I'm sorry ok.... I don't even really know what I did wrong, but I apologise. I'm sorry."
"....."
"Look, can I at least come in?"
"....."
"Please?"
"...Ok. I suppose."
"Sit down, I'll get you something to drink..."
*Door shuts*
"No, I'm fine. Hey, listen Amanda, come and sit down here at the table with me."
"It's ok, just sit here alright? Ok, now, Amanda listen, I'm not really good at this, but again, I apologise for what I did the other day, and I want you to... no I NEED you to know that I think what we have together, what we had, as well as what we could have again, is very, very special!"
"Jack what do you mean? we were..."
"No, wait, just listen please! I want you to know that all those things I said the other day I truly meant, I do think your beautiful, and I do think your intelligent, and I think your kind, and sincere and the I love the way your smile can light up an entire room, the way you talk, the way you smell, your eyes, hair, everything! I dream about all of it, about you!"
"... Jack."
"Listen, I, I have feelings for you Amanda, I have since high school even though I was too weak to do anything about it back then, but now after what we had, and after what has happened... I don't want to make that same mistake again... Now you."
"I understand, and I'm flattered Jack, I truly am, but please PLEASE try to understand that I'm with Bert..."
(You'd have to be stupid to try and fight a battle you can't win!)
"... What?"
"Jack, I care about you, I really do, and I can be here for you as a friend, but you're..."
(... but that's just running away.)
"But that's... He's in prison Amanda! prison! bars, walls, guards! the whole shindig!"
"So?! that doesn't mean that I'm going to start cheating on him! it doesn't mean that I'm going to start having an full blown affair!"
(Everybody runs away from something, you should know...)
"But he cheated on you! y-you said it yourself! many times... I heard you scream it in between all the times he hit you!"
"Jack, don't do this, don't start, please!"
*Jack stands up at the table*
"You can do better! because you are better! Hell, anyone is better than him! Most people are completely stupid! and they're all trash! yet, pretty much all of them are still better than him!"
"Why yes, Jack, just because you're thinking it, it must mean you're right! of course! "all people are stupid!" everyone in the entire world is stupid! funnily enough, that goes for all of them EXCEPT for you. Why of course!"
*Jack sits down at the table*
"I didn't say all people are stupid, Amanda... I said all people are trash, I'm pretty sure what I said is "MOST" of them are "COMPLETELY" stupid, also and to be quite honest... I don't particularly care what you think regarding that, because I've lived on this planet for 24 years, and I was born with eyes and ears that work and the full capacity to critically think, unlike most of the empty-headed and easily pleased morons today! y'know?! the ones that are all aimlessly wandering around out there nowadays?! and so I stand by it. Firmly!"
*Amanda sighs*
"This is what I was trying to say. You have problems, you're not normal... How could we ever be together when you're not even normal?"
(Hahahahaha!)
"... what do you mean?"
(...ahahaha!)
*Jack stands up quickly, pushing his chair back from the table*
"Jack, it's just the way you are..."
"Wha... what do you? I.. what?... Not normal?... Well... well, of course I'm not normal! What are you kidding?! and I've only ever been thankful because of it! not in spite of it!"
*Amanda sighs*
"So what is normal Amanda?! I'll tell you what "normal" is in this stinking-fucking-cesspool, everyone changing themselves on-the-fly. Their images, thoughts, tastes, all to suit others, and simply because they don't know who the hell they are, and their too blind, cowardly, and basically fucking ignorant to find out!"
"That's "normal" around here, perfectly normal... and it's PATHETIC! "Hey! don't have the brains or balls to be yourself?! simple, just follow the crowd! lie to yourself and everyone else around you! act like someone trendier instead... famous people are trendy!" Jesus, and they wonder why everything is so creatively bankrupt, and why there's no originality, no integrity and absolutely no spirit to anything anymore... but then again, what do you expect from a society that always chooses monetary gain over absolutely anything else?!"
"Why is that?"
"Hey, I know! maybe it's because inside and out you're all the same soulless and hollow-little-shells, a cheap bunch of conforming cardboard cut-outs, all used and abused for each others brief, mutual, entertainment and amusement! well, as base amusement as your instant-gratification laden, ADD-riddled hummingbird like attention spans can still handle now, anyway."
"So, here we are now, and finally we reached it. Hell. A society filled with nothing but liars, scumbags, con-artists, thieves, sell-outs, complete and utter spineless cowards, hacks, fame-seeking morons, ass-kissing yes men, politicking brown-nosers, and the clinically brain-dead. It's an entire "culture" surrounding nothing but paid advertising, disposable plastic-fantastic crap, fake celebrity bullshit, anti-social socialising and empty-fucking-promiscuity! all set to a wondrous background drone of boring comic book movies... and I mean, just how seriously can you take a man dressed up as a large bat anyway? ...Oh, and don't forget about the endless uninspired streams of shitty-awful Hollywood remakes, films about 40-year-old frat boys, terrible, terrible, fucking music, and yesterday's already forgotten talent shows."
"...The circle of shit is now complete. I sincerely hope you all die, painfully, in some kind of fire... preferably nuclear, I'm sure it's for the best! and before you start, yes, I know, I am very aware of the kind of sad, miserable, abnormal bastard that I am, but regardless... and at this point, you all gotta admit... collectively, I mean, as a entire society of pure mediocrity, what with your disingenuous, generic, banality, and middle-of-the-road shitty excuses for "glory" it's b
latantly obvious to me, that you people, in this completely anodyne and castrated society that you're all a part of, are now so-far-fucking-gone, as well as being so completely and utterly hollow and miserable on the inside anyway... that you all might as well be dead already! and 'cause of that specifically, every single wretched one of you is far worse off in nearly every respect than even me! so much so that it's abso-fucking-lutely pathetic!"
When It's Cold I'd Like to Die Page 21