"Better than this! besides, he can't kill me... doesn't have the imagination, AHHHH!"
(You'll see, you won't win. He'll get what's his...)
"Wh, I'm awake! Awake! I... Need toilet."
"...sacks of bloody meat-chunks.... t, to tough to open... like a jar of pickles... blah, blah, overrated! then you fill it with gunk, heh!"
SEVENTY FOUR
*Knock knock*
*Door opens*
"Hiya, baby!"
"Hey, beautiful..."
*Door closes*
"So, Jack. What were you doing yesterday that was so important you couldn't see me?"
"Yesterday?"
"Yeah, I knocked, but you didn't answer, so... I thought you'd gone out shopping or something."
"No, I was uh, in but, I didn't hear the door. I was asleep all day mostly."
"Oh, so what's this Jack?! we could have both been doing some "sleeping" together of our own. If you weren't so lazy that is!"
"Amanda, please listen to me.... I love you. You know that right?
"Jack... I."
"Wait, let me finish. I love you, so I want to be honest with you. I, I have good days and bad days, and honestly, I've been having some really, really... bad days lately. Seriously. Bad ones, so I uh, when I'm like that, I'm incoherent. I can't even think straight, really, and... I don't want you to see me like that. So... that's why I slept in, and didn't answer the door when you called..."
"Jack, I understand, but we're together now, so I don't want you to hide anything else from me anymore ok? Especially important things like that! this is your health we're talking about here! you said to me before that you were on medication? well? are you still taking them?"
"Yes. I don't know, like I said before I just have these, these days sometimes... it's mostly recently. Not all the time but somedays are, y'know?"
*Amanda walks towards Jack and grabs his hands*
"Jack, I need you to start telling me everything! don't shut me out, ok?
*Jack nods and gives a half smile.*
"...Amanda?"
"Yes Jack?"
"Why are you smiling? are you happy lying here?
"Of course I'm happy! I'm happy that I'm warm and comfortable in bed, and I'm happy because you're with me! What about you Jack?"
"I don't know. Happiness is not something I'm used to..."
"But you're getting there? right Jack?"
"...Amanda?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"Amanda, I've been thinking lately, the other day I was thinking deeply about life, that sort of thing. Then I thought about religion, deception, existence, philosophy in general, and then finally reality, y'know? and how you actually define it and so on.
"Like how everything is just electrical signals and impulses in your brain, well then later I started thinking... what if this is all too good to be true? what if I'm not real, not really here? what if you're not real, and all because I don't deserve you? what if none of this is..."
"That means it's all for nothing. Is that what you want?"
"Listen, Jack, you're real, I'm real. This! here! all of it is real, look..."
*Amanda kisses Jack and runs her hand softly down the side of his face*
"What about that? does that feel real enough for you?"
"... I don't know anymore."
*Amanda sighs as she gets up to put her clothes on*
"Jack, I know what this is about?"
"You... do?"
"Yes, I know why you're feeling this way... it's because of "him" isn't it? that's why your acting like this, because you're scared, scared of what might happen to us... Well I'm scared too! you're not the only one you know! Do you know what he'll do if he finds out... that I'm..."
"Sorry, I'm here for you though, you know that, but..."
"But, what?"
"I don't know Amanda, maybe you're right, it just feels more than that... like, like something deeper inside me. I have everything I ever wanted now. Finally, but I.... don't really. If you know what I mean."
*Amanda stops getting dressed and turns around to look Jack in the eyes*
"You mean that I'm not enough for you? is that it?"
"No, Amanda, of course not. That's not what I meant..."
*Amanda stands up and walks across the room*
"It's because you stay in all day, you're always over-thinking, you never draw the curtains..."
*Amanda opens the curtains, something dusty falls off the window-sill*
".. and you never, ever, go out! Wait, what's this?"
*Amanda looks at the small black case laying on the floor, she picks it up, opens it*
"Broken glasses?"
*She holds up the pair of round steel framed glasses that have a crack across one of the lenses*
"Do you even wear glasses, Jack? are these yours?"
"Yeah. I used to wear them, why?"
"No reason, I suppose, you just don't look like the type to wear glasses much."
"....."
"Not anymore."
"Jack? what are you afraid of?"
"Nothing, Amanda... alright, honestly? The usual, I'm afraid of being hurt, I guess."
*Amanda moves over to the bed, and sits down next to Jack who is still laying there"
"Jack, why would I hurt you?"
"I don't expect you too, and I never said you would, did I? but still, there are no guarantees in life, are there?"
*Amanda stands up again and looks out of the window*
"I know Jack! let's go out somewhere, together. Let's go for a walk in the park!"
"... I don't know. It's too cold out."
"C'mon! stop being so miserable! It'll clear your head, release endorphins or whatever."
"...Maybe."
"I know Jack! we'll go to the big park on the outskirts of the city, it's beautiful there! it has this big lake and..."
"Ok, ok, alright. We'll go, just stop talking..."
SEVENTY FIVE
".... I wonder where he is now?"
"Who Jack? oh, you mean..."
"Amanda! we don't say his name! we already discussed this... You should know that already! besides, you can't anyway... it wouldn't do me any good."
"...Sorry."
"It's alright, but no, not "him" I was thinking about... you know? Dale."
"Oh, Dale? we can say his name right? but why? I don't care about him anymore. I care about you!"
"Yeah, I know but I was only wondering what happened to him. I do sometimes... I wonder where he went in life, or if he even went anywhere at all..."
*Amanda runs slightly ahead, down the path*
"It's frosty Jack!"
"I know Amanda, be careful or you'll slip. I hate the stupid useless winter! I hate the stupid cold!"
"But it makes everything look so beautiful! Look! the whole park is covered in frost! Hey, do you know what I heard?"
*Jack sighs*
"No, what?"
"I heard it'll snow soon, really deep as well! we might have a white Christmas after all!"
"...Christmas-smistmas."
*Amanda walks back towards Jack*
"Oh, don't be like that! it won't be so bad this year! Besides, you'll have me to cuddle up to, all you have to do is close your eyes... and... Close them!"
*Jack closes his eyes. As he opens them, he sees Amanda, who is kissing him*
"... I'll always be here waiting to warm you up, Jack!"
"Yeah, I know. Hey, Amanda have we reached the lake yet?"
"Not yet, it's this way... follow me!"
*Amanda and Jack stand on the edge of a huge frozen looking lake*
"...Wow! Look Jack, it's completely frozen over! There are birds that usually live around here, I wonder where they all go?"
"....They fly away."
"I know that, Jack, but where?"
"I don't know, somewhere warmer, I suppose."
"Hmm. Jack, I'm tired from all the walking. Let's sit here, on the bench."
"
I, ok."
"...Amanda I."
"...Jack I."
"No, it's ok Amanda, you can go first."
"Well, I was thinking Jack, this place is pretty special, huh? No one's around, it's quiet, deserted y'know? I bet not many people come to this side of the lake like this, all the way on the far side of the park, I mean."
"I know, your right though I do like it here it's... silent, tranquil, even peaceful."
"Jack? you know, it's fate that we met again, don't you?"
"...I"
"Shhh. It's fate that we're here together, sitting here, in this park, it was meant to be. Everything is meant to be Jack."
"....."
"No words Jack, just know that this is our place, our special place and I'll always be here with you, even if you're ever alone. Just close your eyes..."
*Amanda and Jack kiss*
SEVENTY SIX
C,C,Can't stop s,s,s shivering! C,C,Caught a cold! I,I W-Wonder If A-Amanda's alright? I-I h-hope s,s,so. B,B,Better c-check...
"Knock, knock*
"Who the 'ell is that?!"
*Heavy footsteps*
"...I already told the pigs that!"
*Door opens*
(Oh god...)
"Oh, it's you! well, well! What the fuck do you want?!"
(BERT?!!! HOW?!?!)
"B-Bert?! Y-You're back?!"
(Your "rival" has returned! now, how about that?! hahahaha!)
"Been back for ages. Wait... what the fuck do you want?! I know, why don't ya' start with a bath! 'cos you are looking a little worse for wear an' all. Ha-ha!"
"Who is it Bert? Who's at the door?"
"Nobody Mandy, Abso-bloody-lutely nobody. Now, look 'ere you fucking pathetic fucker! you got about five seconds to piss off! before your lyin' on the floor like last time!"
"W-W-Where's Amanda!"
"None of your fuckin' business! One!"
"W-Where is S-She?!"
"I'm telling you to piss off! Two!"
"I,I'm n-not going a-anywhere until I see, s,she's alright!"
"Then you're a dead man, then. Three!"
"Bert, if there's nobody at the door, then why are you still standing there?"
"I'm warning you, you fuckin' pissant! Four!"
"Move out of the way, Bert! let me see who's there!"
"Fiv... Mandy?! Stop pushing!"
"... J, Jack? is that you?!"
"A-Amanda a-are you ok?! y,you haven't caught a c,c,cold have you?"
"Mandy? what the 'ell's he goin' on about?! No, sod that! listen, he's less than a second away from bein' knocked the fuck out, again!"
"I-I don't know what he's talking about! Bert, just leave him alone..."
"Oh yeah? and why the 'ell would I do that?!"
"Because you've barely even got out of prison! that's why, you stupid bloody idiot! do you really want to go back so soon?"
"....."
"Come on, Bert, shut the door now, he's not even worth it..."
"Yeah, he ain't is he? you heard what she said then. Fuck off! an' go take a bath! Ha-ha!"
*Door slams shut*
"... He's not a bad person Bert, he's just really messed up."
SEVENTY SEVEN
"...all y-y-yellow he is, right.... w,with a tangerine stuck in the m-middle below the windows! t,they both shut when the other me turns the lights off! c,cut my fingernails! SPIKES! b,b,black up there! a,and midnight! it's like that! I'm telling you!"
(What a pedantic little nothing you are, you and your own insignificant personal eschatological crisis. In the end you turned out to be no different than everybody else. Pathetic!)
"Sh, Shut up! d-don't need your p,pity a-all s,so s,shitty! Th, The pulpy whiteness t-told me! it, it whispered into m-my eyes! t,t,to expensive, sorry. C-Can't afford it a,anymore! I j-just want to d,d,disappear, s,should c,cut my t,t,toenails as well! you'll j-just have to deal, s,so inside I squeal... W-Well, oh s,serves me right! I laid when I should have trade... t,too late now... f,fool fate how? w,would have l-lost more a,anyway. C-Cold n,not as w,warm anymore, t,t tired..."
SEVENTY EIGHT
*Knock knock*
"Jack?!"
"Knock knock*
"Jack! I know you're in there! answer me! Please!"
*Knock knock knock*
"Wh, what? ah, shit..."
*Knock knock knock, BANG!*
"JACK! OPEN! THE! DO..."
*Door opens slowly*
"....."
"Jack?! So... can I come in?"
*Door closes*
"....."
"So you're not even going to speak to me, then?"
*Jack walks away*
"....."
"You're not even going to let me explain?!"
"Amanda, what explanation can you possibly give me that I'd even want to hear at this point?"
"Jack! listen! he just got out, and came right back home! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!"
"Don't shut me out... "tell me everything!" or some lies like that. That's what you said wasn't it? in the end nothing but words..."
*Amanda quickly walks over to Jack and grabs his hand*
"Listen, Jack. I am telling you everything! I chose you! not him! I love you! and I want us to be together... Forever!"
"... Where is he?"
"H-He's not in, he went out drinking before with friends. Jack you're not listening!"
"If I'm not listening, Amanda it's because you ain't telling me anything useful that I want to hear!"
"Jack he just got paroled!"
"...Obviously. So?"
"But there was a condition, some kind of new government initiative, a joint agreement between the department of corrections and the military! they're recruiting certain types of offenders straight out of prison, as part of their parole terms!"
"Amanda... you mean?!"
"That's right, Jack! "he" is going to be joining the army! as soon as today! as part of the conditions of his release!"
"You mean... that they need more meatshield idiots for their grinder, and he's going to become one?!"
"Exactly my love! so we can finally be together! Forever!"
*Jack and Amanda embrace*
"Are you serious?! Bert's gone... Amanda... you mean... he's really going to be gone?! ...For good?"
"Yes, Jack, but..."
*BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!*
"MANDY!!!"
"Oh god!!!... Jack?! what did you do?!!!"
"MANDY I KNOW YER' IN THERE!!! IN THERE WITH HIM!!!"
"It's alright Amanda. You'll be alright."
"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! I'M GOING TO WRING YOUR FUCKING NECK YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!"
"I'M GOING TO K..."
*The door swiftly opens*
"...YOU!!"
*Jack punches "him" in the mouth. Hard, he hits the ground.*
"Not so tough now, huh? What? you got a problem with people who fight back? or can you only take women on?"
"WOW! Jack! you did it! and look! he's out cold! oh, I love you, Jack!"
*Jack and Amanda passionately kiss in the doorway, as various neighbours look on*
"Look, Jack! Look around for a second... now listen!"
"... I don't know about you lot, but I saw that! and I'm calling the police! Assault!"
"...Amanda?! what sh.."
"Oh Jack, you better go! Quick! get out of here before the police arrive!"
When It's Cold I'd Like to Die Page 25