“I loved that I could take a kid who not even six months ago hated himself for what he wanted sexually and make him fly. But mostly I loved that we filmed it and that it’s out there so other kids like Cole can see they aren’t wrong or dirty for being kinky and liking what they like. Sex, particularly gay sex, is so taboo, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s healthy and natural, and I love being part of showing that to other people.”
“Okay. Okay.” I raised my hands in surrender.
“Sorry. I get a little amped up about this.”
“I love your passion, baby.”
“Enough to be okay with me filming?”
“I didn’t say that. But it’s nice to know it’s not about wanting to have sex with other men.”
“It’s not.”
“So, there’s an obvious question here.”
“You can totally paddle my ass.”
“Good to know, but that’s not what I meant. Were you ever made to feel bad or dirty because you’re gay? Certainly not from your parents.”
“No, I told you my parents are wonderful.”
“So, there is no connection to you deciding to do porn and your mom finding her family. It’s unrelated?”
“No, not completely unrelated. There is more to the story.”
“Will you tell me the whole story, please?”
“Yes. If you promise to listen and not psychoanalyze me anymore.”
“I promise.”
“Okay. I told you I was a virgin when I started filming, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, that is true. In high school, I was scrawny and different. I liked what I liked, which didn’t exactly jive with the cool kids. I had a habit of taking stuff apart to see how it worked, but I’d get frustrated when I couldn’t put things back together. I loved musical theater and being silly and wearing outlandish things. I was just weird…and far less attractive.
“As a junior, I had a crush on a straight boy, and he liked to work out, so I started going to the gym. He was a super competitive macho type and he started monitoring my form, offering to help spot me. Anyway, yadda, yadda, yadda…he wasn’t so straight. Just as we started making out, I sort of let go of all the things I wanted to do with him. I shoved my hand down his pants, and he grabbed my dick at the same time. I don’t think I said anything exactly, but I’m sure he could tell I was surprised.”
“Oh, boy,” I said, imagining how badly that might have gone.
“Yeah. Apparently, his competitive streak didn’t end with how much he could bench. He basically compared me to a circus freak and berated me, said he wasn’t even hard and literally laughed at me for thinking anyone would want to be with me. For years after, nudity terrified me. I refused to go swimming or shower in a public locker room, I’d convinced myself everyone would laugh if they saw me. I couldn’t even watch myself while I jacked off. I could just hear him laughing and saying no one would want me. My body embarrassed me, and I didn’t trust anyone enough to ask about it. I wasn’t out to my parents yet. I thought if I knew my biological dad, I could ask him if it was a family trait to be big down there. So, long story short, I started searching for my birth family.”
“Oh, baby. That’s terrible.”
“The agency that placed me had no record of him. My mother had no known relatives, so my search ended abruptly. I… It was just a really dark time, you know? Everything about me felt wrong—my body, my sexuality, my personality, even my family, to some degree. It felt like no matter what, I would never fit in anywhere—and I stopped wanting to go to school or leave the house at all. I started to scare the hell out of my parents. They took me to a doctor and I was diagnosed with depression and started taking anti-depressants. I had a therapist who helped me come out to my parents, and I don’t know if it was the medicine working or just coming out, but things started to get better after that. My parents were so supportive….” Lucas choked up a little and I rubbed his arm. “Kyle, when I told my dad what had happened with the boy, he suggested that I watch porn. He told me that most guys would be thrilled to be gifted with what I had and that I should never be ashamed of how God made me.”
Lucas wiped the moisture from his eyes, and the affection and respect I felt for the people who’d raised such a remarkable man swelled ten-fold. Someday Lucas was going to be an amazing father as a result of the example set by Greg and Joann.
“I took his advice and felt so much better about myself and my body, to the point where I stopped taking the pills then lo and behold, I had a crazy sex drive. The doctor thought the medicine might have killed my libido. Around that time, my mom told me she had found her maternal aunt via a DNA test. She asked me if I wanted to try it.
“I was so pumped. I thought for sure it would work as quickly for me as it had for my mom, but it didn’t. There were no matches in the database. I got depressed again. Instead of going back on the pills, I decided to create a YouTube video talking about my story, including why I’d started looking for my bio family and my issues with my body. I got this fantastic response, and of course, people began asking to see my dick. Anyway, shortly after that, I started camming and loving all the attention. I began to feel differently about myself and men would reach out to me with their stories. Some of them had body image issues like me, but others had homophobic upbringings or were deeply closeted for a whole host of reasons. But I loved talking to them and turning them on, making them feel better about themselves.
“Robert recruited me to Goldenboys via my cam site, and he asked me if I wanted to film for them. I hadn’t had sex yet, so I decided to go for it. And I’ve gotten to explore my sexuality thoroughly through porn. I loved every opportunity.”
“But you never bottomed on camera?”
“At first I didn’t bottom because I wanted to save that part of my virginity for someone special. Then, once Tommy Bruiser took off, it was part of his image.”
“So, who did you give it to?”
Lucas appeared remorseful. “Evan,” he said wistfully.
“I dated a few of the guys I worked with, but they were mostly bottoms. And I always felt like they were dating my penis, rather than me. Evan was the first guy who seemed interested in more, and I was tired of waiting for you.”
I chuckled. “Me, huh?”
“I wish I had waited. Evan and I had gone out a few times when I told him I’d never bottomed and was saving it. After that, he pursued me aggressively, and I fell for his flattery hook, line and sinker. He even convinced me to buy my car. It’s not even close to what I wanted, but he liked it so much… Anyway, I thought it was understood we had a commitment. He didn’t see it that way. We broke up, or I guess I broke up with him. He didn’t ever really consider me his boyfriend. After that, I realized dating other porn models was too much trouble.”
“So, besides Evan…?”
“Just you. Before you, I hadn’t had sex off-camera since Evan.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“How many scenes have you filmed?”
“I think I’m up to close to seventy or so, but some of them have been non-penetrating scenes. I do a lot of spanking scenes.”
“And you’ve had how many partners outside of scenes?”
“Off-camera partners? Five. You were six.”
“Wow.”
“Wow, good or wow, bad?”
“You’ve never had sex with anyone outside the porn industry except me.”
“You just now realized that?”
“Yeah. You’re so good at it, I never thought of how inexperienced you are in boring old relationship sex.”
“I don’t want boring sex.” Lucas tilted his head to the side, and I knew he was concerned about where my head was at.
“Normal relationship sex doesn’t always have to involve costumes, role-play and gymnastics,” I told him.
“Says who?”
“Says everyone.”
“Kyle, what’s going on?”
&nbs
p; “Nothing. I’m just not sure I can do what you need me to do.”
“What is it that you think you need to do?”
“You know. Slings and paddles. Cock worship.” My face heated and I studied the pattern of Lucas’ comforter.
Lucas scooted toward me and lifted my chin. “How do you feel about what we did in the shower? Tell me honestly.”
“It was…okay.”
“Just okay?”
“It was embarrassing at first. But I came, so I must have liked it.”
“You like being daddy though.”
“Yeah. It’s different.”
“Why? ’Cause I’m younger?”
“No, because it’s not…” I answered sharply, and my explanation died somewhere in my head. Shit. Why did I have this problem? I got off. Lucas was sexy as fuck when he went all toppy. “I don’t know.”
“You love to bottom. Is it me?”
“No. It’s not like I’m hung up on bottoming and I love that we switch.”
“So, what is it?”
“I guess…” I considered my explanation. “I guess I… Look, I’m boring.”
“What?” The genuine shock on Lucas’ face was reassuring. “Why would you think that?”
“Because, Lucas. Look, I’m trying here, but sometimes it feels like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m not the guy who gets paddled in a sling. I’m the guy who wakes up on a Sunday morning and wants to rub off together. I like sex, but sometimes I feel like this is unsustainable. At some point, you are going to realize I am not this guy.”
“Baby, you are my guy. Wanting to mix it up is for both of us. I wish you could see how sexy you are, how amazing I think you are. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m thinking of all the ways to enjoy your body and to make you come. But that’s not because I think you’re boring. I could never think that.”
“So, if we just spend a day in bed, kissing and cuddling, that’s gonna work for you?”
“Baby, don’t you understand? Everything you do works for me because you work for me. I love you so much. And more than that, I respect you, what you’ve accomplished, what you still want to accomplish. The way you look at me when we’re alone makes me feel like I belong. For the first time in my life, I feel like with you, I’m perfect. Don’t you see that? All these years I spent feeling like I don’t fit, but with you, I’ve never felt that way. That’s why yesterday… What Kayla and Matt said… All that shit about me not fitting with you, with your friends, with your family. It hurt so, so much, because it kills me to think you would feel like that.”
“I don’t.”
“I know. I knew when you walked out of the library. You saw me, Kyle. I was trying to be Tommy for you, but it didn’t work. You knew it was an act and you rejected it. You wanted the real me and I’ve been trying to show you who that is, slowly, without scaring you away. Come here.”
I went to Lucas and fell into his embrace. The relief was palpable. He held me and rubbed my head.
“Hmm, I do believe today is Sunday. Maybe you should tell me about this ‘rubbing off together slowly’ fantasy.”
“C’mere.” I pushed him to his back and climbed on top of him. We were both soft, but I shifted my hips up and aligned my cock with his then I kissed him.
With my eyes closed, I let my hips find a rhythm. We moved together in a sensual glide, kissing languidly. I loved the contented sounds that Lucas made as his tongue tangled with mine. I caressed Lucas slowly and touched him like he finally belonged to me. Because he did. I knew him better now, learned how passionate and caring he was. No one would ever love him like I could. They could have his body, but I had his heart safely tucked away, and I wouldn’t share it. “Mine,” I whispered into his ear.
Lucas bucked his hips sharply, grabbed my ass and rutted. “Kyle, look at me,” he asked. I opened my eyes and watched Lucas use my body. He held my face in his palms, his eyes drowning in emotion while he rocked against me, enjoying the unhurried and simplistic pleasure of our cocks sliding together until he came utterly undone in my arms.
At that moment I decided to trust him implicitly, about everything. I would love him like I’d learned to ride a bike—scared, but reckless, without pads or training wheels. If I crashed, my scars would tell our story.
Chapter Fourteen
“This place is gorgeous, babe,” Lucas said, awestruck by the breathtaking home we’d rented. Nestled in a remote Oregon community where I’d spent many youthful summers, the cozy one-bedroom house was built to maximize privacy and the expansive views of the lake. We had one last weekend before the fall semester began, and I planned to use it to romance the hell out of Lucas.
I carried our bags to the large master suite, ducked into the bathroom to confirm the Jacuzzi tub and steam room the ad had listed and flung open the room-darkening curtains to expose the view.
Lucas gasped. “It looks like a postcard.”
The crystal blue lake sparkled in the sunlight, surrounded by a dense forest of majestic pines. “Isn’t this better than going camping?” I asked.
Lucas bobbed his head enthusiastically. “Much better.”
“C’mere,” I beckoned.
He followed me to the expansive deck that ran along the back of the home. “I love the way it smells here.” I inhaled the scent of evergreen, extracted the lounge cushions from the storage box and secured them to the chair, so I could stretch out and take in the view.
“We should look at land while we’re here,” Lucas said.
I shook my head. “This isn’t a house-scouting trip.”
“It could be.”
“Not yet.” I needed to focus on getting through school. “If you like this place as much as I do, we can come back and search when we’re ready.”
The unintentional slip sent my pulse racing. I thought about it as Lucas joined me in the lounge chair built for one. When he was situated, he gathered my arms around him and gazed back at me. “When we’re ready?”
The extra time gave me an epiphany. I’d meant it. I wanted Lucas to be a part of the decision, to be part of my future, even a distant one. What good would denying it do? “You said you’d help.”
He tensed. “Oh. Of course. I will.”
“And if you didn’t like it, I would find something you did like.”
He eyed me skeptically.
“Lucas, I plan to be with you for the long-term. Of course I would want your opinion on such a significant decision.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Are you… Do you not feel the same way? You must be worried about it. I mean, when you’re my age, I’ll be almost sixty.”
“I hope your hair turns silver. That’d be hot.”
“Lucas, be serious.” I turned his chin to see his eyes.
“No, Kyle,” Lucas said sternly. “We figured out the work problem and now you’ve moved on to our age difference. You’ve seen my parents. There is nothing you could say that would make me worry about it. Let it go. Just be happy.”
“I am happy,” I reassured him.
“Good. Does that hot tub work?”
“Yes, it should.”
“Good. I’ve got ideas.” He rubbed his palms together and served up the most mischievous version of his brilliant smile. Ever since he’d taken the part-time marketing job for Goldenboys, he’d been relentless in pitching scene concepts. Lucas was a never-ending font of kink and filth. As the primary beneficiary of his dirty imagination, I couldn’t complain, but Case and Robert had encouraged him to be more budget-conscious in his fantasies.
“Oh, I’m sure you do.” I teased. “But this isn’t a working vacation. No distractions, just us.”
“But I get to film us still?” Other than a few recordings of him giving me a blow job, I hadn’t allowed cameras. After some negotiation, I’d agreed to change that rule, one time only, that weekend. I regretted leaving the details to him.
“Yeah,” I said reluctantly, “if you want.”
“I
want. So much.” Lucas smiled. “I can’t wait to see you go all daddy on my ass.”
“Are you planning to fuck all weekend? I did hope we’d get out a little. I’d like to hike and kayak, and there are some nice restaurants and fun art galleries in town.”
“I’ve never been kayaking.”
“Well, I’ll get to teach you then. It’s peaceful, especially in the mornings.”
“You’re such a romantic. I love it.”
“Do you? Sometimes I worry. Wouldn’t you rather be clubbing and going to bars? I’m okay if you want to go out with your friends without me occasionally.”
“I’m never bored with you. I like that you think about more than sex. But this place—a hot tub, secluded lake, Jacuzzi bath, four-poster bed, chairs with no arms… It’s like you took me to DisneyWorld and won’t let me ride anything.”
I chuckled. Oh, to be twenty-three again. “I love sex with you, baby, but we need to leave the bubble occasionally. It can’t be the only thing that we enjoy together.”
“I like our bubble.”
“Me too,” I admitted. Ever since the disastrous party, I’d avoided my friends. I wanted to wait until our trip was over to fully return to the real world.
“Okay. So, we compromise. We have four days. We spend two doing whatever romantic activity you dream up and two doing whatever I dream up.”
“Full days at your mercy? You do know I’m old, right? Unless you packed some Viagra…”
“Would you quit with the ‘old’ shit. You’re a long way from needing pharmaceutical help.”
“True, but my recovery time isn’t what it used to be. How about I plan our afternoons, and you plan our evenings.”
“Deal. What about the mornings?” Lucas said.
“Split the difference?” I said. Lucas grinned his understanding. We’d recently developed an uncanny ability to communicate with grins.
“Excellent. So, couple-ly sex in the morning, followed by perfectly romantic afternoons, we cook dinner together naked, then I get to put my kinky hands all over you.”
“Maybe we make time for showers.”
“Oh, you can trust my evenings will be making full use of that bathroom.” Lucas checked his watch. “It’s one-thirty, so we’re on your time, baby. What’s on the agenda?”
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