His silence brought more tears to her eyes and sobs to her throat. She couldn't stand the coldness any longer. He was keeping all barriers in place, and she just didn't have the strength to knock them down, especially when she knew he wouldn't let her. She dressed faster than she'd ever dressed in her life. All she wanted to do was escape to her room so he couldn't see the extent of her devastation.
He gave no sign that he even saw her leave. She climbed the steps feeling as if Christmas would never come again.
#
The chill of the room didn't affect Jake as much as the chill around his heart. He felt cold inside, so cold, like he'd never be warm again. He glanced at the steps. The hall light was out.
Dressing mechanically, he checked his pocket for his car keys, and then he headed for the garage. There was someplace he had to go, someplace he went every holiday and many days in between. Except...he'd missed this Thanksgiving. He hadn't been there since Sara had arrived.
This late on Christmas Eve, there wasn't much traffic. Most people were home with their families. He turned into the cemetery with a sense of relief, a sense of the familiar. A few minutes later, he stood in front of the plaque with his son's name.
"Davie, how I wish you could talk to me. I wish you could let me feel you."
Silence. An absence of feeling. Numbness.
In trying to protect himself from getting hurt again, had he become numb to everything?
Yes.
"Davie?"
Jake felt emotion welling up inside of him and didn't try to suffocate it. He let it rise as uncomfortable and painful as it was. His heart raced, his chest tightened, and he felt tears prick his eyes. Damn, it hurt. It hurt so much...
"Why did you leave, Davie? Why did our father leave, and Mom and Mary Beth? Why does everyone I love leave?"
The strength of the pain, the ache around Jake's heart, brought him to the ground. On his knees, he stared at his son's name and prayed for deliverance from the hurt, the loneliness, the emptiness. The chill of night swirled around him, the silence echoed his question over and over.
After a while the echo stopped.
Sara is leaving, too.
"I knew she wouldn't stay."
You knew?
"She left before. She didn't love me enough..."
She loved you too much.
Too much.
Was it as simple as that? Had Sara's love been so pure and true she couldn't stand to see it compromised? And when she'd tried to love him again... He'd thrown it back in her face. No wonder she wanted to leave.
What had he done?
She'd said she couldn't stand to live with him knowing he didn't love her. But that wasn't true. He did love her. He'd loved her since he met her. But now it was too late. His father, mother, Davie and Mary Beth had left. He could do nothing to prevent their leaving. But Sara...
Tell her you love her.
Was that enough? What had she said--she couldn't prove to him that she loved him. But she had proved it, over and over again, with every act, every word, every touch. Could he undo the damage? Was trust simply a conscious decision?
No, it's a leap of faith.
"Davie, Davie, are you here?"
Silence answered Jake again, but a comforting sense of peace wound about him. He suddenly knew that he could do nothing about the past, but he was responsible for his future. Ungodly things happened, but that didn't mean there wasn't a God. Black wasn't always black, and white wasn't always white. Shades of both reflected the world in which he lived.
He felt shaken...different...changed. Changed in his heart and soul. But he was certain of one thing. He loved Sara, and love was something he couldn't turn his back on, not anymore. He needed her love. He'd just been too afraid to accept it. Now somehow he had to convince her that love was the wonderful gift she thought it was. He had to convince her he was worth another try.
As Jake rose to his feet, one star shined brighter than all the rest.
#
The garage door opening alerted Sara that Jake was leaving. She had no idea where he was going. Tears still lingered too near the surface for her to brush them away, for her to brush the hurt away. Had she really told Jake she was leaving? Wouldn't that be the best thing for everyone?
She uncurled her legs, pushed herself out of her bedroom chair, and went to stand in the doorway to Christopher's room. He slept so peacefully, so innocently. Suddenly she remembered his presents. She had to put them under the tree.
It took her three trips, and once she'd arranged them to her satisfaction, tears blurred her eyes all over again. Wrapping her arms around herself, she went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Through the kitchen window, she could see one star shining brighter than all the others. She opened the door and stepped out onto the porch.
With her hands on the balustrade, she gazed up at the bright white light. She loved Jake. As sure as the star was shining, she'd never stop.
So why are you leaving? The voice seemed to come from deep inside her.
"I can't keep battling his defenses. I can't keep trying to prove I love him."
Why not just love him?
The simplicity of the question stunned her. Was that the problem? That she was trying to prove something instead of loving him? Could he sense that? Was she on guard, too?
She tried to remember what he'd said earlier. He'd said she'd called off the wedding. He'd sounded so hurt, so...abandoned. Jake had been abandoned over and over again. By his father, his mother, and in a way his son and wife, too. Then Sara had left before their wedding. Did he expect the people he loved to leave him? Is that why he protected himself so?
Of course. Why hadn't she seen it before?
Because she was as caught up in the present situation as he was. They'd been so busy guarding themselves, trying to make the marriage work....
If she left now, she'd prove to him again that the people he loved deserted him.
But did he love her?
She thought about the birthday party he'd given her, his possessiveness, his support of her decision to go back to school, his passion and tenderness when he made love to her. He might not admit it, but he loved her. Jake wasn't a man to pretend anything.
So, what are you going to do?
She wouldn't leave. Like water on stone, she'd wear him down until he admitted what he felt. She'd do it by being herself and loving him. Tonight, her anger and disappointment had gotten the best of her. Maybe tomorrow morning, in the light of day, he'd listen to her. And if he didn't...
She heard the garage door open and close, and she held her breath.
#
First, Jake went up to Sara's room. This afternoon when the front door had slammed, he'd known she'd be back. But tonight, with the quiet click of the guest room door, he'd realized she'd never put her heart in his hands again. But maybe he could change that. Maybe...
When he found her room empty, he almost panicked. But with a quick look into Christopher's room, seeing his son sleeping, he knew she hadn't gone very far. Returning to the downstairs, he saw the dim glare of light from the kitchen. He'd missed it when he came in in his rush to see her.
The back door stood open and, with his heart thumping madly in his ears, he stepped outside. She was looking up at the sky, toward the brightest star, as if seeking guidance. He could use some of that himself.
"Sara?"
She turned, but her face was shadowed. He didn't know if she'd let him touch her, but he was beyond caring about logic or good sense. He took her hands in his. They were cold. He wanted to give her all the heat inside him, everything he could.
So he plunged in, praying she wouldn't shut him out the way he had her, praying she'd listen. "I know you've made a decision, and you think it's for the best. But you're wrong." When her hands fluttered in his, he rushed on. "I've been an idiot. I was so afraid of letting myself love you, so afraid that you'd leave again, I've been driving you away. I don't have any excuse. I don't know what to say to
make things right--"
"I've changed my mind about leaving," she interrupted in a quiet, gentle voice. "I love you, Jake. And someday you're going to wake up and see it. I'm going to talk to you about it, and touch you, and just simply love you until you let down some of those walls and let me in. If necessary, maybe we'll have to see a counselor..."
He saw the worried look on her face, the concern that he'd argue with her, reject her again. But he saw the determination, too, and his heart swelled with even more love for her. "Everything you said today was true. I have been shutting you out. I don't want to do that ever again. Because I love you, Sara. And I don't want to lose you. I want you to help me see the shades between black and white and all the colors, too."
"You...love me?" She sounded breathless, as if she couldn't believe he was saying it.
"More than I ever thought possible. Since you and Christopher came into my life, I've felt the stirrings of happiness again." Looking deep into her eyes to make sure she understood, he went on, "I can trust you now because I've finally realized what a sacrifice you made four years ago. You put my needs before yours. Now I'm going to put your needs first for the rest of our lives. I didn't distrust you, Sara, as much as I didn't trust myself--to feel again...to love again. Can you forgive me? Can we start over?"
Tears ran down her cheeks. "I don't want to start over. I want to remember everything we've shared and go on from here."
He took her face between his palms and tenderly brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "I've hurt you. I never meant to hurt you. I was so damn busy trying to protect myself..."
"Let's both forgive the hurt and concentrate on the love."
He encircled her with his arms and brought her closer. "I do love you, Sara. I'll spend every day for the rest of my life proving it."
"You don't have to prove anything. Just love me."
His lips found hers and made promises he knew he'd keep for a lifetime. Sara promised back, lacing her hands in his hair, loving him.
Suddenly, a sound wound around them. Music? No. Chimes.
They both lifted their heads at the same time.
The chimes on the Christmas angel were moving gently against each other.
Sara's eyes rounded, then she smiled. "I guess Santa arrived."
Jake touched his finger to his tongue and held it up in the air. "Sara, there's no wind."
She laughed--a sound as sweet as the chimes. "No, there isn't. On Christmas Eve, there's magic...and miracles."
Jake pointed to the bright star. "That guided me home. And while it was guiding me..." He squeezed her closer. "I thought about what I'd say to you. I thought a lot about my life, about Davie and Christopher. About us. I realized what a gift children are. And I thought that maybe in a year or so, we could have another child, so Christopher can learn all about sharing first-hand."
"Jake, are you sure?" The question was a gasp of surprise.
He understood her astonishment, the idea had stunned him as well. But he'd thought about it on the drive home. "Yes, I'm sure. And although Christopher needs a brother or sister, there's another more important reason I want to have another child--to show how much I love you."
Resting her hands on his shoulder, Sara said with certainty, "You can do that without us making a baby."
"I know. But I don't want any barriers, Sara. I want your heart to flow into mine and mine to flow into yours. I want it all."
She wound her arms around him and laid her cheek against his heart. "This truly is a night for miracles."
Jake held Sara tight against him and gazed at the star. A night for miracles...Christmas Eve, and he was so thankful he was holding his Christmas angel in his arms.
Epilogue
One Year Later
A bottle of champagne stood chilling on the nightstand beside the bed. Jake had fixed a tray of cheese and crackers while Sara showered. He'd bought a special present for her this Christmas, and he preferred giving it to her in their bed.
The bathroom door opened and Sara emerged, a white satin nightgown flowing with her as she came toward him. Jake swallowed hard. His pulse hammered, and as always when he saw her, his heart overflowed with love.
"You're breathtaking--my Christmas angel."
She arched her brows. "I'm no angel and we both know it."
As she slid into the other side of the bed, he chuckled. "No, you're a lovely woman who's as stubborn as I am sometimes."
Smiling knowingly, she gestured to the food and champagne. "What's all this?"
"I thought we should celebrate. In my heart, Christmas Eve is really our anniversary. I guess I never told you everything that happened that night. We've been so happy, I didn't want to bring up anything to remind you of the rough times."
Sara sidled closer to him and laid her hand on his chest. "Don't you know by now you can tell me anything?"
Over the past year, he'd confided in her many times about hopes and fears, and dreams for their future. "I know. And I guess that's why I thought about this tonight. Why I want to tell you."
Curling up beside him with her head on his shoulder, she urged, "So tell me."
He loved her there, beside him, always. "I told you I went to the cemetery last Christmas Eve and that the brightest star gave me hope and guided me back to you. What I didn't tell you was that I actually thought I heard a voice pointing my thinking in the right direction."
She popped up and looked into his eyes. "I did, too! When I was gazing at the star." She thought about it for a moment. "Do you think it was Davie, or for me--my mother?"
"Maybe. Or the same Christmas angel who touched the chimes. I don't know. But I do know I want to remember that night forever because I realized I had to let go of the past so I could believe in our love for the future. I thought you might want to remember it, too." He took a small box from between the pillows and set it in her lap. "Merry Christmas."
Her eyes glistened with tears.
"Don't cry yet. Open it first," he teased.
She tore off the bow and unwrapped the box. When she opened it, she gasped. A solitaire diamond surrounded by smaller ones twinkled up at her. "The star!"
She'd guessed without him telling her. "Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful. Will you put it on for me?"
He took the ring from the box and slid it onto her finger above the wedding band. "The jeweler said women wear rings like that with their bands. But if you think it's too much, you can wear it on your other hand."
She leaned over and gave him a kiss that told him it wasn't too much, it was just right. When he drew her on top of him so he could show her how much he loved her, she resisted and leaned away.
"What's wrong?"
She smiled and smoothed her hand over his brow. "Nothing. Except I want to give you your gift, too. It's just not quite as tangible...yet."
"I don't understand."
"Well, I can munch on the cheese and crackers over there, but I can't have any champagne."
He saw the glow on her face, the new lushness to her body he thought came from being happily married, and he knew. "You're pregnant!"
She nodded. "The doctor confirmed it yesterday. Are you...pleased?"
They'd talked about having another child many times, but had decided to let it happen naturally without giving the matter undue attention. "Yes, I'm pleased. I'm more than pleased." With a resounding kiss, he told her exactly how pleased. This time when he drew her on top of him, she didn't resist.
He broke the kiss only to murmur, "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donovan."
Tracing her fingers over his lips, she smiled. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Donovan."
Jake reached to the nightstand and switched off the light.
But the room still glowed with their love. As Jake told Sara again with words and kisses and touches how much he loved her, one brilliant star twinkled at them through the window. In the distance, chimes played delicately, yet no wind blew.
Because it was Christmas Eve--a night
for love, magic and miracles.
FROM THE AUTHOR:
Jake's Bride was first published with Silhouette Books under the title Shane's Bride. I still enjoy writing secret baby/marriage of convenience plots. And this was my first one of those. Jake first appeared as a private investigator, helping Nathan Bradley find his ex-wife and children in Nathan's Vow. I liked him so much I decided to give him his own love story. His romance is the second book in my Search For Love series.
Throughout all my books, I attempt to keep the emotion of my characters as the focus. My intention is always to touch my readers' hearts and urge them to believe in happily-ever-after. Since this book was first published, I've gone on to write many more novels, making the USA Today List, the Borders Group Bestseller List and the Amazon Contemporary Romance Bestseller List. Living in Pennsylvania with my college sweetheart and two cats, I spend most days writing, editing, cooking and gardening. I draw inspiration from music, the farm in my backyard, and my hummingbird garden. Relationships have always fascinated me and I look forward to writing about them for a long time to come. For more about me and my latest releases, including excerpts, photos and short stories, please visit my website at www.karenrosesmith.com. To keep in touch day to day, follow me at Facebook, on Twitter @ Karenrosesmith and on my blog—Cats, Roses...and Books! listed on my Amazon Author Central page. Look for more of my books on Amazon Kindle.
Thanks to Judy Bullard for my terrific new cover.
My website: http://www.karenrosesmith.com
Blog: http://karenrosesmith.blogspot.com
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/karenrosesmith
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1707769293
OTHER KAREN ROSE SMITH BOOKS AVAILABLE ON KINDLE:
Always Devoted
A Man Worth Loving
Because of Francie
Everyday Cinderellas
Everyday Prince Charming
Forever After
Garden of Fantasy
Love in Bloom
Nathan's Vow
Kit and Kisses
Mom Meets Dad
Ribbons and Rainbows
Jake's Bride (Search For Love) Page 16