Her grandfather lay still in the ICU bed. She walked to his bedside while a nurse typed something into the computer. “How is he?” Haley asked.
“It’s hard to say. He’s the same as before, really. He just needs to wake up.”
Haley reached for his hand and curled her fingers around his. “Hi, Daideo,” she whispered.
His fingers flexed and Haley jumped. “He just squeezed my hand.”
The nurse turned and pulled the stethoscope from around her neck to insert the ends into her ears. She listened to his chest, then straightened. “It’s possible it was just a muscle spasm.” She glanced at the heart monitor. “His heart rate is up a bit, though. Keep talking to him. He might be able to hear you.”
Haley kept her grip on the man’s hand. “Daideo, I need you to wake up. Maybe it’s selfish, but I’m not ready for you to go on to heaven. I just met you and I want to get to know you more.” This time her words produced no response. “I have something I really need to talk to you about too.” She sighed. “Anyway, apparently our entire family is on the way to see you and I’ll admit, I’m a wee bit nervous.”
Still no response. She reached behind her to pull the chair next to his bed and sat down. Still holding his hand, she rested her head on the mattress and closed her eyes.
Haley had no idea how long she slept, but the sun climbing into the sky and peeking through the blinds awakened her. She looked into her grandfather’s face and was disappointed to see that he appeared the same as he had last night.
“Haley?”
She turned to see Steven in the doorway. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
“I think so. What did I miss?”
“Nothing too exciting, thank goodness. It’s been quiet.”
“Have you been here the whole time?”
He shook his head. “I went to the office, then home and got a shower, talked to my dad a bit, and came back about thirty minutes ago.”
“Did you tell Quinn about McCort?”
“I did.”
She stretched gently, wincing at the pull of the stitches still in her side. “How’s it healing?”
“It’s fine. It only hurts when I move wrong. Which includes stretching. How’s Hugh?”
Steven settled into the window seat. “Still beating himself up. He’s very sad.”
“I expect so.”
“Why don’t you hate him? He could have stopped the murder of your family if he had just said something to your grandfather or the police.”
“Hold that thought.” She rubbed her eyes and stood to walk to the sink. One glance in the mirror had her regretting that she’d looked. She grimaced and rinsed her mouth, then drank her fill from the sink. Haley pulled the hair tie from the ponytail and ran her fingers through her hair. Once she had the ponytail redone, she felt halfway human again. “Want to walk down to the cafeteria? I’m starving.”
“Sure.”
She walked out of the room and Steven followed her. Once they were seated at the table with food in front of them and, most importantly, coffee, she took a swig of the dark liquid and let out a little sigh. “Okay. In answer to your question, I don’t hate him because I can’t. I’ve come to realize that we’re all human, Steven. We make mistakes, we have moments of bad judgment, but it doesn’t mean we’re evil people. It just means—” she tilted her head and offered a slight shrug—“we’re human.”
“So you’re okay with him keeping his mouth shut?”
“Of course not,” she snapped. Then took a deep breath. How did she explain? “Do I wish he’d made a different choice? Of course I do. But he didn’t. Sometimes you know the right thing to do, but you hold off doing it out of fear or with the thought that you’re protecting someone—or something. Whatever the reason, you don’t act and someone gets hurt—or dies because of it.”
“Who died on your watch?” he asked softly. “What mistake did you make?”
She flinched, glanced at the clock, and then back to her half-eaten breakfast. She pushed it away, not hungry anymore. “When I was with G2, I found out another operative was going to retire. He was tired of the game, but he was determined to finish his last assignment. I tried to talk him out of it because I knew there was something wrong with him. He insisted he was fine. He told me to back off, pushed past me, and said he had to catch a bus home. I reminded him that he’d driven to the office. That morning, we’d spoken and walked into the building together. He froze, got on the elevator, and went down to the parking garage. I followed him a few minutes later and found him wandering the garage looking for his car.”
“Dementia?” Steven asked softly.
“Sudden-onset Alzheimer’s. But I didn’t know that until later. He admitted he was stressed out and some things going on at home had him not thinking clearly. I found his car for him and he drove off. Still not feeling right about the whole thing, I searched his office.”
“Whoa.”
She rubbed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. “I know it sounds awful, but I worked with him. Lives depended on him being able to do the job. If there was something going on that would hinder his abilities, I needed to know it. Anyway, I found a medical file and it had his diagnosis in it. I took the file, went to his home, and confronted him. He was furious and even took a swing at me. Once he calmed down, I told him I was going to let our handler know that he wasn’t fit for duty. He broke down, made me promise not to say anything. He also promised to go to our supervisor first thing the next morning and tell him himself. I said he could have until then, but if I found out he didn’t go, I would.”
“What happened?”
“He left that night on a mission. I went to my supervisor immediately, but by then it was too late. The team was dead,” she whispered. “All of them.”
“Haley, I’m so sorry.”
“I wasn’t on that mission because I’d requested three days of leave.”
He winced.
“I was furious with him—” She waved a hand as though in dismissal. “I was blazing mad at Brendan for being so stupid as to put everyone at risk and getting them killed because he forgot what he was supposed to do—and overwhelmed with guilt that I hadn’t said something to my supervisor immediately. I hated myself for a long time, but I had to finally realize that hate is a very destructive emotion and I want it to have no place in my heart.” She drew in a deep breath. “So, no, I can’t hate Hugh for doing something so similar to what I myself have done. He’s human, he made a tragic mistake, and he wishes desperately he’d made a different choice. I get that. I feel that to this day. But no one can change what happened and hating him doesn’t hurt him, it just hurts me.”
“What if he wasn’t sorry? What if he didn’t care that he’d caused their deaths. Would you hate him then?”
She hesitated. “I don’t know. It’s hard to say what I would or wouldn’t feel. I know what I would hope my reaction would be, but . . .” She shrugged. “I can’t say. I can tell you this. My ex-boyfriend didn’t care that he hurt me, that what he did was wrong. He used me and laughed about it—even bragged about it around the office to his buddies. Hating him felt good at first. It consumed me. I wanted revenge, to destroy him and his career. And I was close to doing it simply because I could.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No.”
“What stopped you?”
“The thought of who I would become if I did it. The truth is, he’s a good operative, he’s just a lousy person. I saw the signs but ignored them because I wanted something in my life besides work, so I have only myself to blame for that. But when it was all over, I realized I never really loved him. I loved that he was in the same business as I and we could talk about our jobs and not have secrets from each other.” She gave a wry smile. “Turns out he was keeping secrets anyway.” She gave a slight shrug. “So I had to let it go. It wasn’t easy. It was definitely a daily thing and sometimes an hourly thing, but eventually, it got easier. And then one day I realized that
I had truly released the hate and he had no more power over me. No kind of hold over me at all. I don’t really know how to explain it. It was like the heart that had held so much hate and anger and bitterness had been removed and a new one had taken its place.” She gave a soft chuckle at his skeptical expression. “I know it’s hard to take in. I can only credit God with it. Without his help, I’d still have a heart full of hate.”
[22]
Steven stepped out of the room, her words battering his soul like a canoe caught in a hurricane. Betrayal is a hard thing to get past. She’d spoken those words in reference to her grandfather and Hugh, but she might have been talking about him. He felt betrayed by the people who were supposed to be the most trustworthy, the ones who would fight for justice for Michael, not let his killer go.
With these thoughts in mind, by the time Haley had finished speaking, he’d felt bruised and raw. He battled with the hate he’d yet to let go of for the man who’d killed his brother, and wished he was as strong as Haley.
On impulse, he called his mother. He’d ask her what she thought she was doing, demand she stop visiting that man in prison, and leave well enough alone. Her phone went to voice mail and he left her a message to call him when she could. The door opened and he turned. Haley walked out and let the door shut behind her.
“What next?” he asked.
“I want to go see Belinda and Micah. Then I need to decide if I’m going on the trip on Friday.” She rubbed a hand across her face and the fatigue etched there struck him.
“Come here.”
“What?”
He grasped her upper arm and pulled her to him in a hug. She held herself tense against him for a moment. He raised his hands to her shoulders to massage them and the tension slowly lessened. She rested her head on his chest for another long moment, then drew in a deep breath. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Are you ready to see Belinda?”
She lifted her head and met his gaze. He wished he knew what she was thinking, but her eyes were shuttered, her thoughts her own. “I think so.”
“All right then, come on.”
She stepped away from him. Reluctantly, he thought. He instantly missed the feel of her in his arms and vowed it wouldn’t be the last time he held her.
Christina stepped up next to them and Steven felt his face flush. He supposed she’d witnessed that moment. Then he decided he didn’t care.
Together, the three of them walked down the hall to the elevator and made their way to Belinda’s room. The nurse was just leaving, shutting the door behind her.
“How is she?” Haley asked.
“She’s holding her own. She’s awake, but very weak.”
“Is it all right if we speak to her?”
She hesitated. “I think so. Just don’t stay long.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll stay out here,” Christina said.
“Thanks.”
Steven held the door for Haley and she slipped past him and into the room. She walked to the bed and looked down at the woman who’d sacrificed herself so Richie wouldn’t kill an innocent person. Or people. Zeke and Laila were nowhere to be found. Steven assumed Laila had taken him down to the cafeteria or to get some air.
Haley took Belinda’s hand in hers and the woman’s eyes flickered open.
“Hi,” Haley said.
“Hi,” Belinda whispered.
Steven hung back. The two women had bonded over Belinda’s children, and he was just in the way at the moment.
“I hear you’re going to be okay,” Haley said.
“Yeah, that’s what they tell me. How are my boys?”
“They’re fine for now.”
“Micah? He’s still . . .”
“Yeah. He is.”
Belinda drew in a breath and grimaced. “Hurts to breathe.”
Haley frowned. “Let me get a doctor.”
“No. Not yet.” She swallowed and closed her eyes.
Steven slipped out the door and located a nurse. “Belinda’s in pain. Can you do something for her?”
The young man nodded. “Let me check her chart and see what she’s ordered.”
“Thanks.”
Haley leaned in and stared at the wounded woman. “What did you say?”
“I want you to take my boys. If I die.”
“You’re not going to die.” Haley ran a shaky hand over her ponytail. She wasn’t sure she could promise to do as Belinda had requested. “You just need some time to heal.”
Belinda closed her eyes and a tear leaked down her cheek. “Haley, you’re a good woman. I can’t think of anyone who would have bought Micah’s medicine for him. But you did.” She squeezed Haley’s hand—or Haley thought she tried to. Her strength was fading.
“Just rest now, Belinda. I promised not to tire you out.”
“No.” She opened her eyes. “I need to know someone’s watching out for them.”
Haley hesitated. “What about your family?”
She shook her head, restless and agitated. “No. Parents are dead. One brother who’s a drug addict. There’s no one. Promise me you’ll take care of them.”
Haley squeezed her hand. “That’s a promise I can make. I will definitely make sure they’re taken care of. But you’re going to be fine.”
They sat in silence for a few moments with Haley still holding her hand. “I believe in God, you know,” Belinda said, “and Jesus. I believe what the Bible says.”
“I do too.”
“I haven’t been very good at living it, but I’ve asked his forgiveness for everything I’ve done wrong.”
“Then you’re forgiven.”
She coughed and grimaced. “By his grace, yes, I believe it. My mother always said that being poor is no excuse for being dumb. I’ve been dumb.” She drew in a labored breath and Haley frowned in concern.
Haley rose. “Let me get the doctor.”
“In a minute.” Another harsh breath. “My purse. There’s an envelope. Get it.”
“Now?”
“Yes, please.”
Haley moved to do as she asked, but pressed the call button to bring medical personnel. She didn’t like the way Belinda looked or sounded. Haley rummaged through the old brown bag and found a crisp new envelope. She held it up. “This?”
“Yes. I just wish I could do everything all over.”
“We all have regrets, Belinda. I don’t know anyone who goes through life without them. It’s part of being human.”
“Maybe so. But I have one thing left that I can do. I love my sons very much. I would have given up long before now if I didn’t have them. I love them so much.” She fell silent again as though she needed the break to regain her strength.
“I can tell, so no talk of giving up, okay? They love you very much too, and they need you.”
Belinda’s eyes remained closed and Haley wondered if she’d fallen asleep. The heart monitor blipped consistently, but her oxygen levels seemed to be dropping. Haley started to rise to get the doctor, as she uttered a prayer for her new friend.
Steven stepped back into the room and caught her eye. “The nurse is checking with the doc.”
“Good, I called for someone as well.”
Almost before she finished her sentence the door opened again and the doctor, followed by the nurse, entered. Belinda lay still and pale. Haley stood to get out of the way, but Belinda’s hand tightened around hers.
“The doctor is here to check you out,” Haley told her. “I’m just going to step outside.”
Her eyes opened and locked on Haley’s. “Give him my heart,” she wheezed.
Haley froze and looked at Steven, then the doctor to make sure she’d heard right. “What did you say?”
“Make them. Give Micah. My heart.” Her eyes closed and her grip loosened.
The doctor shoved Haley out of the way and she stumbled back into Steven’s arms. “Belinda?”
“Haley,” she rasped, her voice pained and breathless. “Pro
mise me.”
The doctor’s orders flew past her ears, but she caught the words “blood clot in her lung.”
“I promise, Belinda. I promise.”
The woman’s eyes opened and locked onto Haley’s and then closed, her dark lashes fluttering against her cheeks.
Soon the room filled with medical personnel and Haley and Steven were ushered out into the hall.
Haley gripped Steven’s hand. “She can’t die.” Steven’s arms closed around her and she buried her face in his chest. “I promise,” she whispered. “I promise.”
[23]
“We did all we could, it just wasn’t . . . enough. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
The words echoed in Steven’s mind as he stared at the floor. Just like his brother, Belinda was gone. Her boys were orphans. Zeke was slumped into the chair next to Haley. He hadn’t let go of her hand since the doctor had appeared in the hallway and announced Belinda’s death.
Christina and Laila stood to the side, sipping coffee and talking in low voices.
Katie, Olivia, and Maddy stepped off the elevator and made their way over to her. Haley stood and the three friends wrapped her in a group hug.
“So sorry,” Katie said. She moved to Zeke and squeezed his bicep. “I’m sorry for you too, Zeke.”
He nodded, but kept his eyes downcast. “If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him.”
Steven knelt in front of the teen, who lifted his eyes and met Steven’s gaze. The dark hatred in his eyes pierced him, but he understood it all too well. “There are others just like him out there.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. Guys like Richie are one reason I became a cop.”
“What are the other reasons?”
“A drunk driver killed my brother. I vowed to get as many drunks off the road as I could. To keep other people from having to go through the pain that my family went through.”
Zeke’s eyes widened. “Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I am too.”
He felt Haley’s hand rest on his shoulder and give it a slight squeeze. Appreciation for her support rocked him. He cleared his throat.
Chasing Secrets Page 20