I’d never been someone who cared much for routines. In my old life, I delighted in the freedom of not knowing what each day would bring. Everything was different now. Since our return from Cagair Castle, routine was all that could get me through each day without breaking down in a mixture of guilt and regret. The daily rituals of sweeping and baking semi-edible bread and waiting for Cooper to come and join me—I needed those now. The dependability that each day would be much like the last helped me to stop hoping.
Every day for the first month, I hoped. More than that really, I expected Adwen to come for me. I expected him to apologize and say that grief had made him say things he didn’t mean.
I didn’t believe he sent me away because I couldn’t have his children. He sent me away for exactly the same reason that Orick said drove so many of Adwen’s actions—fear. He’d lost Orick, and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing someone else. He thought it easier to push me away.
The day we left, I allowed his words to hurt me even though they didn’t ring true. I was too grief-stricken, guilty, and tired to fight. I regretted not staying, not shaking him until he saw sense, not splashing him with cold water to wake him up. I overreacted when I should have done as Orick suggested and lost my patience with him—forced him to see his own strength.
Instead, I left. By doing so, I let down all three of us—Adwen, myself, and Orick’s memory.
Isobel tried more than once to get me to go back but, no matter how much I regretted leaving, that was one thing I had made very clear to him that day. If he pushed me away, I wasn’t coming back. I would not go back on my word.
When Isobel finally realized that I meant that, she hung onto her own hope that Adwen would come for me. She hung onto it still. I allowed that hope to die.
It is a funny thing to kill a dream—to make the conscious decision to stop wanting, to stop hoping, to stop wishing for something you once thought you couldn’t live without. It’s like choosing to remove a part of yourself you know you will never get back.
It took time for life to return to some sort of normal rhythm for us all. If not for Cooper, if I hadn’t had the opportunity to watch him move through his own heartbreak and grief with such innocent grace, I might have allowed the loss of everything to turn me into someone I really didn’t want to be.
Instead, I was simply a little less dreamful, a little less naïve, and a lot stronger than I was before. I now understood what Orick meant about strength. Tragedy had a way of building you into a truer form of yourself after it tears you down to nothing. It was painful, and I still wished every day none of it had happened, but it had and I wouldn’t stop living my life because of it. I would be fine. My life would go on without Adwen or Orick.
“How was the ride this morning, Coop? How are your sisters?”
Cooper smiled as he rode into the stables, climbing off the small horse with ease. “It was good. They’re both good.” He moved in to hug me. “I’m happy to see you, Aunt Jane.”
I ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head while I laughed. “I’m happy to see you too, but I just saw you last night.”
“Well, I know that, but I’m always happy to see you. Hey, can I show you something?”
“Of course.”
He took my hand as I answered him, dragging me through the other side of the stables to sit on the small step at the back of the inn. He pulled out a small, smooth, wooden circle and handed it over to me.
“What is it?”
“Turn it over.”
I did as he said and swallowed as I looked down at the image carved in the wood. The picture was small and intricate, but it was undeniably the likeness of Orick. “Oh, Coop. Who made this?”
“Dad got the wood ready. He cut it and smoothed it out and everything. And then Bebop drew him as I described him. Then when the drawing was right, he carved it into the wood.”
“It’s beautiful, Cooper. You did an excellent job of telling Bebop about him.”
“Well, Bebop actually met him once, that night he and Adwen came to the castle to eat, and he’s pretty good at remembering faces, but I told him as much as I could. This one is for you to keep. I had him make five.”
“Five?” I ran my thumb over the image, the picture of Orick bringing tears to my eyes. I missed him every day.
“One for me, one for you, one for Isobel, one for Gregor, and one for…” he hesitated and I knew the name he meant to say next.
“It’s okay, Coop.”
“And one for Adwen, if I ever get to see him again.” A tear formed at the corner of Cooper’s eye, and I pulled him into a hug so he wouldn’t see that his crying had me about to well over completely.
“This is very thoughtful of you, Coop.”
He shrugged inside my arms but didn’t try to wiggle free as I held him. “It’s hard in this time, you know? There aren’t any pictures or anything to remember him by. I didn’t…” He drew in a shaky breath and broke down into tears, tearing away any strength I had to keep my own tears from flowing. We sobbed together as he spoke. “I didn’t want to forget him.”
“Oh, you won’t, Coop. But this is really great. I’ll carry it with me always.”
I held him as we cried together, only looking up when I saw a man approaching us from the side. I looked up to see Clyde Allaway, a traveling fisherman who often stopped in the village in hopes of selling dried herring or other catches to locals. Isobel despised him and refused to purchase anything from him, but it never stopped him from trying.
“I dinna mean to intrude on ye. Would it be better if I came back another time?”
“No.” I let go of Cooper and stood, wiping my face with the back of my hand. “You’re fine. We’re just a little weepy today.”
He nodded uncomfortably. “Do ye know if they are in need of fish today?”
We hadn’t had a guest in over a week, and there were stacks of dried herring sitting in the cupboard. Still, I didn’t have the heart to turn him away. “Let me see if Isobel or Gregor are around.”
I turned to find Isobel standing in the doorway. “No, Clyde, we doona need fish from ye. Have we ever? Why would we start today?”
“Isobel!” I turned astonished eyes on her. Even though she had voiced her dislike of him to me several times, she was never actually hateful toward him.
“Doona ye ‘Isobel’ me, Jane. Can ye no see what he’s doing? He only stops in to see ye. He doesna care if we buy his fish or no.”
I looked over at Clyde who, despite the blush in his cheeks, recovered well and rose to Isobel’s attack in a way I did not expect.
“Aye, I know that ye willna buy my fish, but what is the harm in stopping to see sweet Jane? She’s a beauty, and I’ve held my tongue long enough. I doona care if she knows it.”
Isobel dropped the coverings she had gathered up in her arms for airing and stepped toward him much like she had Adwen that day in the sitting room.
“There is harm in it. She is no yers to look at nor gawk after. Now get gone from here before I get my broom handle and stick it up yer arse.”
Cooper’s tears seemed to vanish as he hunkered down into hysterical giggles.
Sensing the truth in Isobel’s warning, Clyde shot me a small smile and nod before turning to leave.
I waited until he was out of sight to speak.
“Isobel, what the hell has gotten into you?”
She crossed her arms and looked at me like she’d done nothing wrong. “I doona know what ye mean. Do ye wish to spend time with a man like Clyde? I canna see it myself.”
“No. Of course I don’t, but I’m more than capable of deciding and telling him that myself. I don’t need you to do it for me. And what did you mean by I wasn’t his to gawk at? Whose am I? Certainly not yours.”
I could see her grind her teeth together before she spoke. She said nothing as she returned to gather up the bedding she dropped, gesturing for Cooper to come and help her.
“Ye are Adwen’s and always will be, I
doona care what ye say. Now.” She pointed toward the inside of the inn with one finger. “Gregor is no here at the moment and, as ye can see, I have me hands full. There’s a man standing in the dining room. Go see to him and ask him if he’ll be staying the night.”
“A guest?” I couldn’t believe she assigned that task to me after days with no patrons. “Don’t you want to do that yourself? I can see to those with Cooper.”
Her face flushed red in an instant. “Do I look like I want to take care of it myself? Please, Jane.”
Shaking my head in disbelief, I watched her and Cooper walk away before stepping back inside. The sun cast a shadow on the man standing within, and I couldn’t tell who it was until he turned toward me. When he did, I had to grab the edge of the table to keep myself steady.
It was Adwen.
* * *
“Hi.” It was all I could manage to say as I stared at him. Every inch of me wanted to run toward him, but he took no step toward me so I stayed where I stood.
He was darker than the last time we were together, tanned and slightly dirty. He looked even better, and the circles beneath his eyes were gone.
He smiled but said nothing. I carefully removed my hand from the table, feeling more steady with every second.
“You haven’t been at Cagair Castle.” I didn’t know why I said that to him. It just seemed the most obvious observation. He didn’t look traveled in the way one did after a few days gone from home. He looked as if he had been away a very long time.
“No.”
The sound of his voice made me want to weep.
“Where did you go?”
“Many places. It doesna matter.”
He was tense, and I could see the rise and fall of his chest from across the room. I wanted to feel him, to touch his hands and the strength in his arms. I’d pushed every feeling I had for him down so deep inside me that I thought they could never get out. One look at him, and I thought I might explode from the rush of emotions.
“What are you doing here? It’s not fair, Adwen. It’s painful for me to see you.”
“Jane.” He did move then, closing the distance between us in two long strides. His hands trembled as he gripped either side of my face. “Do ye still love me?”
Tears from my eyes dripped onto his fingers as I spoke. “I was never the one who said anything different.”
He kissed me and pulled me into his arms as months of heartache at missing him melted away. In that moment, I realized I had lied to myself over and over to cope. Dreams, hopes, wishes—they couldn’t be killed by will alone. They simply retreated beneath the surface of my heart, waiting for Adwen to return. Part of me—the part I pushed away—must have always known that he would.
I didn’t care where he’d been or why it had taken him so long to come for me. I knew we wouldn’t be parted again as his arms wrapped around me.
I turned my face up to kiss him, wiping the lone tear that crept from the corner of his eye. I hugged him and heard a loud sniffle from the back of the room. I pulled away but kept hold of his hand as I turned to see Isobel crying and Cooper clapping gleefully in the doorway.
CHAPTER 45
Cagair Castle
One Month Later
We put our wedding together in the matter of a day, both of us far more interested in the honeymoon than the ceremony. We left immediately after saying our vows and took off on a month-long journey around Scotland, where I had the endless pleasure of acquainting myself with the man Adwen had become.
He had changed over the course of three months. Not in the way I had, but in a way that was far less changeable. He found that piece of himself Orick had always known he was missing—an unwavering inner strength. He was a better man, lover, and partner for it. And someday, when we were both ready and the right children crossed our path, he would be able to open his heart to a home full of children without the constant fear he would have always had before.
He was free from chains he didn’t even know he carried, and our marriage, our life together, would be so much happier for it.
After weeks of laughter, conversations, and a fair amount of lovemaking, we chose to make the last day of our honeymoon a somber one—a day of reflection at Cagair Castle to properly say goodbye to the friend we lost before starting our new life together.
Cagair Castle would not be our home. Callum was happy as laird, and we both wanted to be closer to Cooper. Upon our return, we would find a home base on McMillan territory and, while I knew we would travel often, we could be close to those we loved.
Adwen would not allow me to climb down the rocky hillside, not so much for my safety as his need to be alone. I didn’t mind as I stood near the edge and watched him. I needed the solitude, as well. This day was so different from the one that claimed Orick’s life—the rocks held sturdy and the sea remained calm.
I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer for my friend. I could feel him here, among the rocks and the water.
I watched as Adwen reached the platform on which Orick had landed and then been pushed off of by the falling rocks. Looking at it now, filled with clarity rather than grief, it surprised me that they hadn’t found his body. The rocks should have crushed him, not pushed him off the edge.
A breeze from the ocean swept across me. It was oddly warm, and I found comfort in it as my last conversation with Orick swept through my mind. I’m a verra good swimmer—even in waves such as this, I could do well enough.
I could almost hear his voice say the words in the breeze, and I had to shake my head to push away the thought. Hope was different from delusion, and it had been months since Orick’s passing.
Still, truly seeing the rocks for the first time since the tragedy, I could see Orick’s death in a way I couldn’t before. It had been awful for us, but for him, I imagined it was something like he would have wanted.
He had joined the sea. I would always think of him swimming in the ocean that he loved so much.
I said nothing to Adwen as he climbed upward and joined me. He took my hand and kissed it before we turned toward the castle to join Callum.
We would always miss Orick and the sadness would never truly leave, but coming back here provided a cleansing we both deeply needed. And now we could breathe easily, free of guilt or regret as we started our new life together.
A life filled with love, travels, friends, family, and until we found children to adopt, I intended for us to enjoy at least several romps in the hay each day.
EPILOGUE
He dreamed endlessly, always of the same nameless people who danced through his mind and spoke to him without voices. He could hear nothing but the sound of water, of waves crashing against the rocks as he slept.
When he did wake, he couldn’t lift himself, couldn’t move from the warm coverings wrapped around him. How long had he been here—amongst the water and the candlelight and the woman that stayed with him in the cave?
She cared for him, feeding him, cleansing him, rubbing soothing oils into torn gashes in his skin. When she spoke, he could hear her voice, though most days he couldn’t stay conscious long enough to understand what she said to him.
One thing confused him more than any other. She always called after him with a name that wasn’t his own—Orick, Orick. She always referred to him in the same way.
He didn’t recognize the name. It couldn’t be his own. But if Orick wasn’t his name, what was?
He didn’t know.
To continue the series, read:
Love Beyond Dreams
(Book 6 of Morna’s Legacy Series)
(Pre-order available now – Releases April 28, 2015)
Get it at Amazon HERE!
Read all the books in Morna’s Legacy Series:
Love Beyond Time (Book 1)
Love Beyond Reason (Book 2)
A Conall Christmas (Book 2.5)
Love Beyond Hope (Book 3)
Morna’s Legacy Box Set
(Box Set contains Books 1, 2, 2.5 & 3)
>
Love Beyond Measure (Book 4)
In Due Time – A Novella (Book 4.5)
Love Beyond Compare (Book 5)
Love Beyond Dreams (Book 6)
(Pre-order Available Now – Releases April 28, 2015)
Thank you for reading!
Dear Reader,
I hope you enjoyed Love Beyond Compare (Book 5 of Morna’s Legacy Series). If you haven’t already, be sure to read the previous books in the series, as well.
In Love Beyond Compare, Jane has her chance at love. In the next installment, magic continues to work to influence love, but who does it target? I hope you will read Love Beyond Dreams to find out.
As an author, I love feedback from readers. You are the reason that I write, and I love hearing from you. If you would like to connect, there are several ways to reach me. You can send me an email to [email protected], reach out to me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bethanyclaire, or on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/BClaireAuthor. If you want to find even more information about the books, including excerpts, visit my website at http://www.bethanyclaire.com.
Love Beyond Compare (Book 5 of Morna’s Legacy Series) Page 22