Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  Sure, there had been plenty of times when I imagined him slamming me up against a wall, kissing the fuck out me, and then fucking me while he kissed me. I’d pictured what sex with Ryder would be like since the day we’d met. But I had the feeling reality would blow away my imagination.

  Not that I’d ever find out. Ryder and I definitely weren’t going to have sex.

  A half hour after they said they’d be home, Rory and Lucah walked through the door.

  “Hey,” Rory said, running to hug me. She seemed exhausted, but in better spirits than when she left.

  “Hey,” I said, hugging her back. “How is everything? Tell me.”

  She sighed and I could tell that she really needed some sleep first.

  “On second thought, why don’t you go have a nap and then come and talk to me?” She smiled gratefully and shuffled off to the bedroom.

  Ryder and Lucah were talking quietly and I felt like an intruder.

  “I’m going to head back down the hall. I’m really happy April is okay,” I said to Lucah before giving him a hug.

  “Thank you so much, Sloane. That really means a lot.”

  I puttered around my place and Rory knocked on the door a few hours later looking better-rested.

  “I feel so much better. Kids are damn exhausting,” she said, collapsing on the couch. I made her some coffee and sat next to her.

  “Was it fun, though?”

  She smiled and curled her feet up under her.

  “Yeah, it was. It made me think of having my own.” Oh no. She had baby fever.

  “I thought you weren’t ready for ginger babies,” I said.

  She blushed. “Yeah, well. Things change. Lucah so wonderful with his nieces, and I think it would be wrong to deprive him of the chance to have his own. And I want them too. I don’t know why. Not right this second, of course. I’d like to be married for a few years and hopefully get Dad retired. And I’d need to find someone to run the company while I was on maternity leave. It’s a lot to think about, and right now I want to concentrate on the wedding.”

  That seemed like a good plan.

  “Okay. Because I don’t really fancy being Auntie Sloane right away. Although, your kids will be the best dressed kids ever.”

  She laughed. “That they will. When they come. Which will not be for several years.”

  “Right.”

  “Years,” she said, adding emphasis.

  “I got it, I got it. Are you trying to convince me, or you?”

  She groaned and put her head in her hands. “I need a glass of wine.”

  “Your wish is my command,” I said.

  Rory and Lucah nearly fell asleep during dinner, so we called it a night earlier than usual. I went back to my place and started working on the new tear-away lingerie. It needed a catchy name, but I was coming up blank. I needed to let that idea marinate for a few days, and the perfect thing would probably hit me when I least expected it.

  There was a knock at my door, and I knew who I wanted it to be. My hopes were confirmed when I looked through the peephole.

  “Hey,” I said, opening the door and letting him in. I hadn’t put on my pajamas yet for just this reason.

  “They both crashed, so I figured it was safe.” He leaped over the couch and sat down, leaning back. I joined him.

  “So, did you talk to your brother about Colorado?”

  Ryder sighed. “No. I didn’t have the balls to do it tonight. Not with everything else going on.”

  “You could have brought it up at dinner. I would have backed you up.”

  He rubbed his eyes. “I know, I know. I thought about it, and then I couldn’t do it. It’s a lot of money, Sloane.”

  “True, but I’m sure Lucah still has some from his days in corporate espionage. And Rory has plenty.” Well, her family did, which was pretty much the same thing. And I knew she did decently well on her own anyway.

  “I know,” he repeated.

  “Listen, this is a hard thing to do, to ask for help and for money. But I think Lucah will understand. And if he doesn’t, I’ll give you the money.” I hadn’t intended to tell him that. I was only going to give it to him if he couldn’t get it from Lucah. Sure, I wasn’t the richest girl out there, and I’d spent a lot recently preparing for the fashion show, but I wasn’t an idiot when it came to money. I had plenty set aside for a rainy day or other contingencies.

  Ryder shook his head. “No way. I’m not taking money from you.”

  “Well, if Lucah gives it to you, then you won’t have to. But it’s yours if you need it. I just wanted you to know that.”

  He just kept shaking his head.

  “No. I can’t do that.” He got up from the couch as if he was going to leave.

  “I’m offering. It’s just money, Ryder. And it’s not like you’re asking me to invest in your new business venture of turning cow shit into gold. The money is for a good purpose.” He paced a little then went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water.

  “I won’t take your money, no matter what,” he said after he drained one glass.

  “Fine. Don’t take it,” I said.

  He raised an eyebrow. “You’re giving up that easily?”

  “No. But I don’t have to give the money directly to you. I can pay for the program in your name, and then you’ll have to go.”

  His glare could have frozen boiling water.

  “You are not doing that.”

  I got up and joined him in the kitchen. We needed something to diffuse the situation. I handed him a cookie and took one for myself.

  “I can do whatever I want, R. Blythe. You can’t stop me.” I bit the cookie and smiled at him. He munched his and kept his glare on. I wondered how long it would last.

  “Fuck, these are amazing,” he said as he chewed. All hail the power of the cookie.

  “I know.” I had another, and so did he.

  “Let’s not talk about the money right now,” I suggested.

  “That’s probably a good plan. I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

  “You can do it,” I said. I wanted to hug him, or touch his arm, or do something. So I moved closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. After a moment of hesitation, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me a tiny bit closer. We finished the cookies, not moving.

  “Can we just stay like this forever?” he said, his voice soft.

  “We could try. But we’d probably need to shower eventually.”

  He laughed. “Yeah. And getting to the bathroom would also be a problem.”

  “And eating.”

  “And sleeping.”

  I turned a little and he tucked me into his chest, putting his other arm around me. Both of my arms went around him, and we shared the best hug in the history of hugs.

  “I’m so lucky to have you. I don’t deserve it, after all I’ve done,” he said, his voice muffled by my hair.

  I wasn’t going to argue with him. The hug was too perfect. I turned my head to the side and listened to his heart.

  Never ever would I underestimate the power of a hug. Well, at least of Ryder’s hugs.

  We stayed like that for a while until Ryder finally cleared his throat and pulled back. His eyes were a little red, and I wondered if he’d been crying and I just couldn’t see it.

  “You okay?” I asked. He nodded and leaned forward, placing the smallest of kisses on my forehead.

  “I think I will be.”

  Ryder left after the hug. I went to bed and slept well for the first time in weeks. Note to self, Ryder hugs are sleep-inducing.

  I woke up feeling better than I had in ages. Like I could leap out of bed and bench press a car, right after running a marathon.

  “You’re smiling,” Inari said, staring at me. She’d walked into my office to give me my morning vat of coffee. I’d only had one, but I was still feeling amazing.

  “Yes. Is there something wrong with that?” I’d already gone through and answered a bunch of emails and now was worki
ng on the design for the show. We’d had a meeting and one of my new interns, Alice, had suggested (go figure) an Alice in Wonderland garden party theme. As soon as she said it, ideas started going off in my head like fireworks, and it was all I could do to hurry and write them down. A lot of the effects would be created by the video screen, but I also planned to have teacups lining the runway, and two columns with vines on them. It was all going to be super cool and quirky. The perfect backdrop for the lingerie.

  “No, not at all. I just haven’t seen you smile in a while.” What was a while?

  “Yeah, well. I had a good weekend.” I bit my lip to keep myself from grinning too much. If I told her what I’d done with Ryder, it would sound silly. There was no sex, and the only kiss I’d gotten had been on my forehead. That didn’t matter though. Ryder and I had a connection I couldn’t explain. One of the things that had initially attracted me to him was how comfortable he made me feel, as if we’d known each other for years, or even a lifetime. Maybe past lifetimes too.

  “Good for you. What did you do?” I told her that I’d spent time with Ryder and then about Rory’s tear-away lingerie idea.

  “That actually isn’t terrible. They make those nursing bras that have Velcro or hooks on the straps so you can take them down. What if we took that and applied it to lingerie? I can’t believe no one has done this before.”

  “Oh, they probably have. But it hasn’t caught on as a trend yet. I think we might be able to change that.” The only problem would be showing it on the runway. Unless the models were wearing bodysuits or something. I didn’t mind a little bit of nudity, but I didn’t want to push things too far in that direction and turn it into a strip show.

  “I think it’s awesome and you should definitely do it. Oh, do you have the sketch for the set yet? Kendra’s been asking for it.” Kendra had a company that would do all my larger set pieces. We’d become friends in college when she’d been majoring in set design.

  “I’m almost done. I’ll have them by lunch.”

  “Oh, and don’t forget, we’re doing the model casting.” Shit. I had forgotten.

  “Right, right.” I was in such a good mood, I didn’t even pretend to shoot myself at the idea of a model casting.

  “I’m glad you had a good weekend,” she said before she shut the door and left me to my work.

  Yeah, me too.

  I was late getting home from the studio. I’d been on the phone with Kendra talking about dimensions and materials and costs. The show wasn’t going to be cheap, but she thought she had some things she could paint and repurpose for me.

  I’d texted Rory and said I wouldn’t be around for dinner and she should go ahead without me. As soon as I set my bag down there was a knock at the door. I opened it since I was standing right there. Rory had a somewhat shocked look on her face.

  “Did you know about Ryder wanting to go to Colorado?” Well, hello to you, too.

  “Uh, yeah. He asked me about it this weekend.” She came in and started pacing around the room. Uh oh. She was amped up.

  “I don’t know what to do. Ryder clearly wants to go, and he asked Lucah if he’d loan him the money.”

  “Yeah, the place is expensive. What did he say?” I really hoped he’d said yes.

  “He said he had to think about it, but I really think he should do it. Ryder seems sincere this time. Like he really wants to do this. And this is the first time he’s wanted to do something like this and researched it on his own.”

  “So what’s the problem?” I asked.

  Rory sighed and stopped pacing. “Lucah’s just been let down so many times, and I think he’s tired of it. But if he doesn’t give him the money, I’ll do it.”

  I wanted to throw my arms around her. There were a lot of reasons she was my best friend.

  “You would?”

  “Well, yeah. It’s not like he’s asking for money to start up a crack den. He wants to get help.” I’d pretty much said the same thing.

  “Stubborn redheads,” I said, shaking my head at Lucah. “Well, I told Ryder if he didn’t get the money from Lucah, I’d give it to him. He pretty much refused, but he can’t stop me if it comes down to that.”

  Rory smiled at me. “I figured you’d say that. But I’ve got this. And I think Lucah will come around. He just needs a little more time, or maybe some more convincing. I’ll see what I can do. Anyway, I just wanted to ask about that. So, how was your day? How’s the show coming?”

  I told her about my ideas for the show then asked her about work. We talked for a while, and Rory seemed reluctant to go back to her place.

  “I want to give them enough time to sort things out. You know how they can be.” Yup. They’d yell for a long time, and that would be followed by periods of steely silence. For two people who didn’t seem to have much in common, they certainly did in their fighting styles.

  “Got it. Do you want anything?”

  She shook her head. “I’m good.”

  A knock sounded at the door and I went to answer it. Ryder.

  “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you can come back, Rory.” I couldn’t tell if he was happy or upset. His face wasn’t showing any emotion.

  “I wasn’t hiding out in here,” Rory said. “I can’t visit my best friend that I used to live with?”

  “Well?” I said, directing my question at Ryder.

  “He said he’d do it. But I have to pay him back, and if this doesn’t work, he’s done. Done, done.” I was sure Lucah had said that before, but this time he probably meant it. I knew how he felt. That night at the hospital I’d been done. And Lucah had years of dealing with this, whereas I’d only had months. I couldn’t imagine the toll that would take on a person.

  “Well, that means you have to cowboy up and get it done,” I said.

  “Did you just say ‘cowboy up’?” Rory asked.

  “Yes. You know what I meant.” I really wanted to have a moment alone with Ryder, and Rory seemed to get the hint.

  “Well, on that note, I think I’m going to mosey back down the hall. Y’all come back now, you hear?” she said in a terrible Southern accent. I waved at her and Ryder said he’d be back in a few minutes. She shut the door, and we were alone.

  “When are you leaving?” I asked as I resisted the urge to throw myself on him and beg him not to go. Colorado was a long way away from Boston. And he’d be in the wilderness, and probably not allowed to use cell phones.

  “As soon as possible. There’s a new session that starts next week.” I’d had a feeling it would be that soon but didn’t want to believe it until he said it.

  “And are you ready?”

  He chuckled. “I have no idea. But that’s part of it, I think.”

  I took a few steps toward him and put my arms around his neck. “I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thanks. I don’t really know how I feel. Scared shitless, but there’s this peace I feel that I can’t put my finger on. I can’t really explain it, but this feels right. For the first time in a long time, this feels good.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” I whispered. That was an understatement.

  “I’ll miss you too. We’re only allowed to call home once a week, and it’s supervised. But we’re allowed to write letters. They mail them out every day. So I’ll write you.”

  I pulled back so I could see his face.

  “You’ll write me?” There was something hopeful about that. Even more hopeful than a phone call or an email.

  “Every day, if I can. Even if I have nothing to say.”

  My heart squeezed, and I wanted to kiss him so much it hurt.

  “I very much doubt you would ever have nothing to say,” I said. He smiled and the urge to kiss him became overwhelming. Every second that I fought it was excruciating.

  “The last time I kissed you, I screwed everything up,” he said. “But do you think we could try it again? I mean, I am a man going off into the wilderness for a month. I need something warm to take with me.�
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  Now I was fighting the desire to roll my eyes.

  “You’re not a soldier going off to war and probably not coming back, Ryder.” But I wanted to kiss him anyway.

  “So?”

  “Will you just let me kiss you?” I opened my mouth to say something else and he shut me up with another kiss. He really had to stop doing that.

  This time the kiss wasn’t as sweet and tentative. To his credit, he did give me a chance to push him away before he really went for it.

  It was better than the last time. So much better. His lips ignited something inside me that I’d been suppressing for so long, and I was desperate for more. He must have felt my urgency because he plunged his tongue in my mouth and pressed closer, like he was trying to meld us together. I would have been absolutely fine with that.

  This was what I thought kissing Ryder would be like, but of course, this was so much better than anything I could have imagined.

  I couldn’t breathe, but it was low on my list of priorities. He pulled me up so I was on my tiptoes, a feat I never thought I would get to experience, being so tall.

  My heart beat wildly in my chest, and I could barely stand it. Ryder pulled away from the kiss and I nearly gasped as if I’d been under water and had just burst through the surface.

  “You’re trembling,” he said, holding me tight.

  “I am?”

  “Yeah.” I wanted him to keep kissing me, but he didn’t. Instead he held me and gazed into my eyes like he was memorizing me.

  “I’m taking this with me,” he said. “This right here.”

  “Go ahead,” I said. “Take all you want.”

  He chuckled. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know,” he said. “Although if we did that, I might not want to go.”

  True.

  “Well, we can’t have that. You need to go and become a mountain man. I’ll be fantasizing about you the whole time.” That made him full-on laugh.

  “Good. Though the reality probably won’t be the stuff of fantasies.”

  “That’s why they’re called fantasies. Because they’re better than reality.”