Cole reaches out, taking a firm hold of my fingers before securing them tightly within his hand. Then he draws my frightened eyes to his. “I’m here with you. Everything is going to be okay.”
Even though I nod, I don’t believe him for one minute. I flinch as my dad’s deep voice cuts through the air.
“Cassidy?”
Clearing my dry throat, I try to steady the quaking emotion within me. “Yeah, dad, I-I’m in the basement.” But even I can hear the thin quiver snaking its way through my voice.
My dad says nothing in response as we slowly make our way up the stairs to the kitchen. We find him leaning stiffly against the granite counter, his thickly muscled arms crossed tensely over his chest, waiting for us.
His eyes narrow as he takes in Cole and the pink and black bag he has hauled over his broad shoulder. Then his gaze slides back to me. There is absolutely no warmth within his deep blue eyes as they hold mine. Throughout my entire life, people have always commented on how similar my dad and I look. We have the same eyes and jet black hair. But that’s where the physical differences end because my dad is a huge hulking man. Solid. Built for defense. And I’m petite like my mother. More finely boned. Built for speed.
Without any pleasantries towards Cole, which just makes this moment even more awkward, my dad starts in on me just as I feared he would. And the last thing I need is for Cole to have a front row seat to our family dysfunction. Nor do I want him hearing my dad’s version of what transpired last year. The picture he’ll paint will undoubtedly be ugly.
“Luckily the neighbors keep an eye on the house during the day. They called to let me know someone was breaking in. You’re damned lucky they contacted me instead of the police.”
I’m not really sure this whole situation has turned out lucky for me. I’m thinking that being picked up for a little B&E would be preferable to the confrontation my dad is set on having. But I wisely keep that to myself.
“We didn’t break in, dad.” I say the words quietly hoping that he won’t totally lose his shit and start foaming at the mouth.
“Why didn’t you call and tell us that you were stopping by? Why slink in here when you know perfectly well that we’d be at work?”
I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is painfully obvious to all three of us.
Instead of leading with the truth, I try playing off the question. “This was the only time we had between classes and it was kind of a spur of the moment decision.” It’s doubtful that I’m fooling anyone. Including Cole. Having him here right now makes me want to cringe.
As if suddenly reminded of Cole’s quiet presence, my dad’s heavy gaze shifts before scrutinizing him silently. But still my dad doesn’t say a word as his eyes arrow right back to mine. He shakes his head as if I’ve managed to disappoint him yet again. “I thought you would have learned your lesson after last year, Cassidy. Obviously not.”
Turning to Cole before my dad can become anymore wound up, I murmur quietly, “Could you please wait for me in the car?” I just want him out of this house and away from my dad. This is humiliating enough without him witnessing anything else.
Clearly not understanding our contentious relationship, Cole’s uneasy gaze bounces slowly between my dad and me. “I’ll stay if you want me too.”
Even though I normally find Cole’s presence comforting, I don’t want him anywhere near here. Shaking my head, I manage some strangled version of a smile. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be out in a minute.” My eyes plead silently with his and I can tell that he wants to argue or just flat out refuse. “Okay?”
Looking tense, Cole finally jerks his head into a nod before hesitantly backing out of the large, sun filled kitchen. My dad and I remain silent until we hear the front door open and close.
My dad’s anger filled eyes never once release mine. Any moment I’m going to start squirming like a six year old caught doing something mischievous. Although, granted, this is much worse.
As is my dad’s way, he cuts right to the heart of the matter. “That’s no longer your equipment to take. You forfeited it all when you got kicked off the team and flunked out of college.”
His razor sharp words leave me wincing but I keep my face free of emotion. I don’t want him to see just how much his words, his attitude, wound me. Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that we ever had a close relationship. I’m his eldest and only daughter who followed him into hockey. He used to be so proud of me, of my accomplishments. Both on and off the ice. Miranda and Lexie had hated skating lessons so much that he finally gave up and didn’t even bother trying to get them to play hockey. I, on the other hand, had loved it right from the very first lesson. But sometimes I think the reason I’d loved the game so much, at least partly, was because it was something just the two of us shared. Hockey was the bond between us that neither my mom nor my sisters could penetrate.
Seven o’clock practice on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Weekend tournaments spent out of town. College camps and recruiting trips. And then we’d hit a few classic car shows. It was always just the two of us. Me and my dad.
But last year had ripped our relationship to shreds.
And now we were nothing more than strangers. Actually it was much worse than strangers because his disgust throbbed right beneath the surface of his anger. And it cut me to the quick.
My shoulders slump at his words. “Do you want the equipment back?”
“No, just take it.” Shoving his hands deep into his pants pockets, he straightens before walking over to the large picture window that looks out at the tree covered backyard. Right now there’s a thick layer of vibrant leaves carpeting the ground. “Who’s the guy?” There is so much accusation riddled throughout those three snapped out words. “I thought you would have learned your lesson after last year. Apparently not.” Without glancing my way, he shakes his head again in disapproval. “Guess I should have known better than to expect you to pull your shit together.”
Once again his hurtful words leave me reeling as I fight to suck in air. “It isn’t like that, dad. Cole is just a friend.” Lie.
Cole is way more than a friend.
I can stand here in the kitchen of the house I used to call home and lie to my dad but I can’t lie to myself.
He jerks towards me, his infuriated gaze searing mine. “You fail out again and you’re on your own. We won’t give you any more money and neither will your grandparents. There comes a time when you have to grow up and make adult decisions and that time is now, Cassidy.” He drags a hand through his thick black hair in frustration. “I don’t understand where we went so wrong with you. I really don’t.”
Why can’t he see that I just made a fucking mistake?
Maybe a lot of them.
But that doesn’t mean they raised me wrong or that I can’t learn and grow from the experience and somehow, eventually, come out better because of it. But he doesn’t want to consider that possibility. He doesn’t want to see that I’m trying to undo the damage I inflicted upon all of us. His anger and disgust stab at me more than I want to admit. “I’m not going to fail out,” I finally whisper. There is no way I’ll allow that to happen again.
He scrubs a hand tiredly down his face as if he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. “Yeah, well, you’ll excuse me if I have a difficult time believing anything that comes out of your mouth right now.”
I suck my bottom lip into my mouth before biting down on it harshly. The physical discomfort stops me from focusing on the pain his sharp words are inflicting.
“It’s not like that. I’m doing really well.” Why am I even bothering to try and explain? He’s not going to listen to me. But I can’t seem to stop myself. “And I’m tutoring other students at the math center to make extra cash.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him that Dr. Thompson thinks I’m doing well but he doesn’t know that I’ve been seeing a shrink and I’m not about to confess that to him right now. It would only fan the flames of his anger.
&nb
sp; “I guess we’ll see what your grades look like in December,” he finally mutters.
Feeling deflated and depressed at how poorly this has gone, I finally give up. “I guess so.” I just want to get the hell out of here. It’s too painful. I don’t want to keep standing here, trying to hold some semblance of a civil conversation with him. I guess neither one of us are ready for that.
Maybe we never will be.
“Okay… well…” I can’t do this anymore. I just… can’t. My chest is starting to tighten up as thick tendrils of anxiety weave their way through my body. Very slowly I start inching my way towards the front door. Inching towards Cole and his Mustang parked out front. To the freedom of returning to school and away from the claustrophobia that is suffocating the very life out of me.
Just as I slink my way into the hallway, he asks, “So why did you want your hockey gear? Are you playing?” His thick brows are knit tightly together as if he can’t quite believe that I would ever step foot back out onto the ice again.
I shake my head all the while continuing to put more distance between us. “Cole plays for the Western Timber Wolves and sometimes we skate together. I just wanted to use my own equipment. It’s been a while…” My voice trails off awkwardly and I want to kick myself for even mentioning the last part.
He doesn’t sound impressed. “Hmmm.” Thankfully I’ve become pleasantly numb to his disapproval.
Finally I point towards the front door. “I need to get back to school. Cole’s waiting for me.”
“Yeah, fine.” Then he adds with just the right amount of derision to make me cringe, “Thanks for stopping by.”
There is absolutely nothing I can say since we both know I didn’t exactly stop by for a visit. I pretty much did what he accused me of earlier. I crept into the house when I thought no one would be around. And I’d been caught.
I should have realized it wouldn’t go smoothly.
“Okay.” With that last mumbled word, I practically run from the house as if I’m fleeing the scene of a heinous crime. Slamming out the front door, I barrel down the drive and into the Mustang already idling alongside the curb.
Sinking into the front seat, I suck in a deep breath before slowly pushing it out as Cole immediately pulls away from the house that is no longer my home. A quick glance over my shoulder shows my dad standing on the front porch, his hands hanging limply by his sides, watching us drive away. Just as we round a corner, I turn around before leaning back and closing my eyes in relief.
That was so much worse than I could have ever imagined.
So lost in the turmoil of my own thoughts, I actually jump when Cole asks softly, “Are you okay?”
My eyes snap open and I stare sightlessly out the front windshield. I just can’t bring myself to meet his concerned gaze. Embarrassment bubbles up like a geyser within me. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say mechanically. But I’m not fine. I’m so far from fine that it’s not even funny. Now that I’m safely away from the situation, my body starts to tremble. Almost immediately Cole clasps my hand before squeezing it gently with his own. Only then do I force my gaze to meet his. Questions, a million of them, swim around within those tawny depths of his.
He deserves answers but I just can’t bring myself to talk about it right now. It makes me physically sick to think about sharing the intimate details of my fuck up with him. I don’t want Cole’s opinion of me to change. He knows, well… he’s getting to know, the girl I am now. I don’t want him knowing anything about the girl I once was.
“Well, that was awkward,” he finally says as he pulls onto the highway thankfully leaving the small city I grew up in behind us in the rearview mirror.
A strange, strangled laugh fizzes up within me at his quietly muttered words. I have no idea why they strike me so funny, but they do. I think it’s either laugh or cry at this point and I refuse to shed one more tear over last year. “Yeah, it was. I’m really sorry about that.”
When a few minutes silently creep by and it becomes obvious that I won’t be saying anything more, he finally clears his throat before glancing over at me. There’s understanding within his concerned eyes but there’s also a desire to figure what I’m keeping from him. “Are you going to tell me what that was all about?” His words are light, almost casually spoken as if he knows just how far he can push me. Which isn’t very far at all.
There are a hundred different ways I could answer that question.
But…
“I’m sorry, I just… can’t right now.” Looking down at our entwined fingers, Dr. Thompson’s words roll unwantedly through my head. And my dad’s words unwittingly echo them.
Maybe they’re both right.
Maybe in order to save myself, I need to pull back from this. From Cole. I need to show my family that I’m serious about getting my life back on track. And this year, this semester really, is my one chance to prove that what happened last year was a fluke. A series of poorly made decisions that had been strung together into a giant cluster fuck that I will regret for the rest of my life.
As my eyes slowly slide to Cole, my heart clenches because I know it won’t be the only thing I end up regretting.
Chapter Fifteen
“So what’s up with your Hockey Hottie?” Ever willing to butt her obnoxious nose where it doesn’t belong, Brooklyn swipes some bright red lipstick on before shoving her pointer finger into her mouth and dragging it slowly back out again.
Instantly forgetting her question, my brows slide together as I watch her. “Ah… maybe you’d like to be alone right now?” Truth be told, I’m feeling kind of embarrassed for both of us. Okay, mostly for me.
Rolling her large green eyes, she gives me a- you’re completely clueless look. Clearly it’s a look I know well. So I’m not totally offended by it. “That’s how you remove excess lipstick from the inside of your lips so it doesn’t end up all over your teeth.” She bares her sparkling white teeth in the mirror just to make sure everything passes inspection.
“Huh.” Impressed with that little bit of beauty know how, I tilt my head to the side. “Neat trick.”
She winks before brushing out her thick blonde mane. Usually Brooklyn leaves her hair all loose so that it flows freely down her back because guys go absolutely crazy for her long glossy strands. They adore it in a way that makes them want to drape it over unmentionable parts of their bodies (Brooklyn’s words, not mine). But tonight she’s twisting it up into a top knot instead.
Unwilling to be derailed from her apparent fact finding mission, she accuses, “Don’t try changing the subject. What’s up with you two? I want details. And lots of them.”
My gaze skitters away from her intent one as I shrug with a forced casualness I’m not quite feeling. I don’t want to discuss Cole. Especially with Brooklyn. She and Austin are still going strong which is a totally unexpected surprise. After my last therapy session, not to mention the disastrous trip home, I’ve decided that taking a step back from Cole is exactly what I need to do right now. The dread of making yet another mistake is almost paralyzing.
Wanting to play off her question, I say, “Nothing’s up.”
“Yeah” she replies with exaggerated exasperation (also throw in an eye roll to drive home her point), “that’s kind of what I was wondering about. I thought you two were getting serious.”
It’s not really a question but I guess it is because it requires an explanation. And if I know Brooklyn, which let’s face it, I kind of do, she won’t let it go until she’s been fully briefed. Sighing, I decide to go with something that loosely resembles the truth. “I just need a little breathing room right now.”
Her skeptical eyes arrow straight to mine in the mirror. I get the feeling that she’s sifting through them for the truth. But that’s as close to it as she’s going to get. “Is Cole aware of that?”
“I’m not sure. Look, we’re not formal or anything. We just hang out once in a while. We’re friends.” Lie… Big huge lie. Cole doesn’t want to be just friend
s. Not that I’ve spoken to him about it. Instead I’ve taken the cowards way out and have silently distanced myself from him. Totally shitty, I know.
Looking impatient, she whips around until we’re facing each other. “I think he really likes you, Cassidy,” she pauses as if unsure what to say… or perhaps just how much to say. “And you’re kind of jerking him around.” She purses her lips as if she’s unhappy with my behavior. Which makes me feel even worse than I already do.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head. It was never my intention to string Cole along. Even though I like him, I still can’t bring myself to be completely honest with him about my past. And at this point, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to confess the truth. It’s just too hard. Too scary.
My own family loved me, supposedly unconditionally, and they turned their backs on me. I guess it feels easier to push him away now rather than make yet another mistake or have him walk away from me when I’m even more attached.
He may not realize it, but it’s much better this way.
“That was never my intention,” I say quietly.
Her lips flatten. “Well, you need to think about what you’re doing because Cole is a really great guy. And you’re going to end up losing him if you keep this bullshit up.”
Brooklyn’s not telling me anything that I don’t already know. He’s the only decent guy I’ve ever known. Let alone been with. And maybe that should be enough of a reason for me to take a leap of faith, but I’m too afraid to do that.
“Do you realize just how many girls are crushing on him?” She rolls her eyes again. “Then throw in all the freaking hockey whores...” She wrinkles her nose before spitting out the next words. “I swear, if I catch one more skank flirting with Austin, someone is getting bitch slapped right into next week.” Her hard eyes cut to mine. “If you’re smart, you’ll get in there and stake a claim because, trust me, someone else will be more than happy to do it.”
Feeling helpless, I shake my head. I just can’t do that right now. He isn’t mine to claim. I have no rights to him. In the end, I’ve decided that it’s best to let him go. He deserves a girl who has her shit together and that’s not me.
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