“Why?” He sat down in the armchair opposite the couch.
“No offense, man, but I don’t feel like talking about it.” I rubbed my hand over my face. My roommates were great and all, and I knew they had my back, but I wasn’t one to sit around and talk about feelings. It just wasn’t me. I never had and I never would.
“Gotcha.” Joe nodded. “We’ll go out later.”
I didn’t feel like going out and getting drunk, but I didn’t like feeling like this either. “Okay.”
Joe disappeared into his room and I continued to watch TV without really seeing anything. Darian came home a couple of hours later and I hadn’t moved. He didn’t seem surprised to see me hanging around, so my guess was that Joe already filled him in on my single status.
Eventually I got up and got changed to go out. I wondered what Stella was doing. Was there a chance I’d run into her tonight? It was the only motivation I had as I walked down the street with Joe on one side and Darian on the other. I’d run into her before and maybe I would again.
We went to one of our favorite bars. I looked around for blond hair, but the ones I saw weren’t real. I could always spot which ones dyed their hair and which ones were natural blondes. And the only natural blond I was interested in wasn’t here.
I tried to laugh at the guys’ jokes as I slammed a few drinks down my throat, but it sounded forced. I felt dead inside. Without Stella I didn’t have anything. It was different than before. I didn’t know what I was missing then. Now I knew and it fucking sucked. There’d never be another girl for me. Ever. I ordered another round.
As I drank my third shot I saw a flash of blond out of the corner of my eye. My whole body went on high alert. It was Stella. I turned around and sure as shit she was there with her entourage—Tori and Lena. I hadn’t noticed Pat and his friends earlier, but they were there and the girls were making their way over to him and a group of guys. My muscles stiffened. If I saw Stella with another guy I’d lose it. She was mine. I tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn’t look in my direction. It was like she didn’t even know me and that fucking hurt.
“That sucks, man.” Darian turned to see what I was looking at. “Come on, let’s bounce. We’ll go down the street.”
“Nah, it’s okay.” I slapped him on the shoulder. I didn’t want to leave. “I won’t let her run me outta here.”
“Okay.” Darian looked unconvinced.
I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. It was like I was in a trance. She looked beautiful. Her long hair was down and my fingers were begging to run through it. She had on a dress with black tights and a pair of boots. I watched as she laughed at something Tori said. She didn’t look like she had a care in the world. And that’s when I got pissed. I was depressed as hell, while she was out on the town with her BFFs having a blast and living it up. My blood started to boil and I needed to do something.
There was a chick standing behind me who I knew had been checking me out all night long. I didn’t think about. I turned to her. “Hey, want to do a shot with me?”
She raked her eyes over me and I hoped Stella was watching this because I wanted her to see. I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me. “What do you have in mind?”
“Tequila.” I winked.
She nodded her head and I ordered two shots.
Leaning over, I licked her neck and then sprinkled salt. I handed her the lemon and she put it in her mouth. I didn’t think. I just did. First, I licked the salt off of her neck, acting like I enjoyed it. Second, I threw back the shot and it burned its way down my throat, but I was already so drunk I barely noticed. Third, I moved in and got the lemon out of her mouth, turning it into something that looked hot. She was up next and I played my part perfectly. By the time I was done I looked over and Stella was gone. It was what I wanted and I should have been happy about it, but I wasn’t. The pain in my chest was worse. I was a fucking idiot. I’d forgotten how much hurting her hurt me.
“You want to get outta here?” The chick I did the shot with asked. I’d forgotten about her.
“Can’t.” I pushed away from the bar and headed for the door. I had to find Stella. Only I didn’t get far.
“Don’t even fucking think about it.” Lena was cock blocking me. “She’s already gone.” My eyes darted to the door. I could easily move Lena to the side if I really wanted to, but I knew Pat wouldn’t like me manhandling his woman. He was sitting at the same table as before and he stared me down as if he’d read my thoughts. What kind of bullshit was this anyway? Stella’s friends didn’t need to play bodyguard. Yeah, I’d meant to hurt her, but only because I missed her so fucking bad. “She doesn’t need you getting in the way. She’s already made up her mind and if you really love her, you’ll let her go.”
Her words made me stop. I loved Stella and I’d do anything for her, even though letting her walk away from me fucking sucked. “How’s she doing?” My voice was thick and rough. Stella looked good, but then she took off when she saw me with the girl, and I couldn’t help but ask.
“She’s doing fine.” Lena looked me right in the eye, and I believed her.
The pain in my chest was almost unbearable. I stared at the door before turning back to my friends. I wanted to go after her, but I didn’t. This was what she wanted. Instead I ordered a beer. I didn’t move away from the bar for the rest of the night. I was piss drunk by the time I stumbled my way home and crashed. Total annihilation was the only thing that helped. The numbness took away the pain.
Stella
I stood in front of the mirror, comparing my reflection to the self-portrait I’d taken months ago. I was in the process of putting my life together, but there was still a giant piece missing. It was completely metaphorical of course, but to me it was real. The missing piece was labeled “Teddy.” And it was located right in the middle of my chest. He’d taken my heart with him. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get it back. But as long as he pursued his dreams, it would be worth it.
I pushed the hair out of my face and stared into my eyes. I tried not to think about him. It wouldn’t do me any good. Right now I had to concentrate on my own project. I had an exhibit coming up soon that would either prove that I had what it took to make it in this business or not. The top fashion magazines would be present to offer a summer internship to the students who held the most promise. I wanted one.
I grabbed my camera bag and set out with new determination. Today I was touring the city to find locations for my photo shoot. I had already arranged for Tori and Lena and a few other friends to model for me. I was going for a vintage look—girls wearing short formal dresses with teased hair and lots of makeup. I took my inspiration from Ellen Von Unwerth, a famous photographer whose work included the cover of leading fashion magazines and advertisements for Guess, while adding my own unique spin. They would be the final photographs I entered into the exhibit. I put a lot of pressure on myself it get this just right.
“Hey, Stella, where you going?” Lena entered our room as I exited.
“I’m scouting the city to find locations for the photo shoot. What are you up to?”
“Nothing. I’m free for the next few hours. I’m meeting Pat later, but not until 7. Can I come with?”
I smiled. “Of course.” It would be fun to hang out with Lena. We were roommates, but lately we hadn’t seen a lot of each other. She was busy with her own classes and she spent most of her free time with Pat. They were still going strong. She didn’t talk a lot about him around me anymore because she thought it made me sad, but it didn’t. I was happy for her. I could see by the glow on her face when she mentioned him that he made her happy and that was all I cared about.
“Let me just put my stuff down.” She entered the room. “I wonder where Tori is?”
“I don’t know. I’ll text her and find out.”
We waited another ten minutes for Tori, who was already on her way back to the room, and then the three of us set out. It was fun touring around the city with my friends. It reminded me of the day we all
met. They helped me narrow the locations down to three. I trusted their opinions.
“Come on. Let’s stop in for a drink. We’ve been walking a long time.” Tori pointed to a bar.
“Yeah, and I’m hungry.” Lena patted her stomach.
“What are we waiting for?” I held the door open for my friends.
We sat at a table and ordered food and a round of drinks. Out of habit I searched the room for Teddy. He wasn’t here. We were closer to our dorm than his apartment. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not. My shoulders still felt tense.
“I know what you’re doing.” Tori gave me an all-knowing look.
I blushed. I knew what she was talking about, but I pretended I didn’t. “What?”
“You’re looking for Teddy. And the look on your face says that you’re still not over him.” My face flushed deeper. I hadn’t seen Teddy since the night in the bar when I saw him doing body shots with some random bitch. I knew he did it to hurt me, not because he was really into her or anything, but it still hurt. And the worst part was that it was my fault. I was the one who had pushed him away.
Lena chewed her lip. “Pat said he’s as miserable as you.” I frowned.
“If you both weren’t so stubborn you could figure this out. Together.” Tori disliked my plan. She didn’t get it. She kept trying to push us back together. She hated seeing me like this.
“Did Pat tell you if Teddy changed his mind about the internship?” The whole point of me breaking up with him was so that he would take the internship. If he didn’t—this was all for nothing. And I didn’t want to think about that. Teddy had to take it.
“I’m not sure, but I’ll find out.” Lena smiled slightly at me. I hated putting her in the middle of this, but I didn’t know what else do to.
“You could call and ask him yourself.” Tori suggested.
“Can’t.” I knew if I picked up the phone, I’d beg him to take me back. And I couldn’t do that. I had to stay strong. I was doing this for him. For his future.
Theo
I checked my phone and my email at least a hundred times a day and still nothing from Stella. I almost took my phone into the shop, convinced it was broken, but then I realized that didn’t make any sense because I got everyone else’s messages without any problem. Like right now, a text came through from Pat. I was on my way to tutor him and he was letting me know he was going to be late. Normally it would piss me off, but I cancelled our last two tutoring sessions, so I decided I owed him one.
I found a table and sat down to wait. I had reading I could do. I pulled up an article on my phone that the teacher had posted the link to on his website. I often marveled at how people survived before such modern conveniences like the Internet. Finally he flopped into the chair next to me about fifteen minutes later. “Sorry, bro. I got laid up.” His hair was a mess and his clothes looked like he’d just put them on. I caught his double meaning.
“No problem.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to hear about him and his girlfriend getting it on. It only made me miss Stella more, especially since Pat’s girl was Stella’s roommate and friend. I wanted to ask him about her, but I wouldn’t let myself. It would just make me miss her more.
We set to work and I showed him where he’d gone wrong on the homework he’d completed for the next class. He worked through the mistakes until he got everything right. I looked at my watch and exactly an hour had passed. Time was up.
“All right. When do you want to meet again?” I packed up my stuff.
“Next week. Same time. Same place.” Pat took out his wallet to pay me.
I couldn’t help but rib him. “You mean 3 or 3:15?”
“Funny, man. Let’s plan 3:15, just to be safe.” Pat chuckled.
“I’ll see you next week.” I grabbed my backpack and walked off. Any and all reminders of Stella killed me. And seeing Pat reminded me of her. I was trying to be patient, but I was almost at the end of my rope.
I got through the days the best I could. I studied a lot and went for long runs. I looked for long blond hair everywhere, but she remained hidden from me. I hoped it was because she was busy making her way back to me. I hoped she’d realize soon that I wouldn’t be a distraction to her. I missed her. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and breathe in her blackberry and vanilla scent. If only she’d let me in. We could get through this together, but I knew that wasn’t Stella’s style so that’s why I hadn’t pushed the issue—yet. I respected her and wanted to give her space. I just wasn’t sure how much longer I could hang on.
Stella
The weather was perfect for the day's photo shoot. I hoped it was a sign that everything was going to go well. I needed this. I needed to capture the perfect images to display at the exhibit. The snow was temporarily gone and the sun was shining bright. It was mid-March and I knew we could still get hit with a storm, but it wasn’t going to be today.
I checked and rechecked my camera. The battery was fully charged and the memory card was clean. Everything was a go on my end. I turned to Tori, Lena, and two others that had agreed to help me, to see if they were ready. They all met here to get dressed. As the photographer I gave the final approval.
“You all look amazing.” My eyes moved around the room, looking at my beautiful friends. They were all dressed in short cocktail style dresses with their hair teased big and then put up to show off their beautiful faces.
“We look fucking hot.” Tori ran her hands down the front of her body in a sexy pose.
“Yeah, you fucking do.” I laughed. Sometimes Tori’s foul language was contagious.
“Let’s do this.” Lena linked arms with me.
We were taking the subway to Greenwich Village. It was where I’d chosen the three backdrops for the photo shoot. I hadn’t necessarily thought of the subway as a prime location but once I saw the girls standing on the platform, I reconsidered.
I snapped away. I had Lena stand with one leg in front of the other, looking bored as she waited for the train. I asked my other two friends, Kyra and Addie, to stand in similar poses. When the train arrived I photographed them casually stepping onto the train, zooming in on their legs. Some wore stockings and some didn’t. All wore heels that were several inches tall. It was an eclectic look and I loved it. The contrast between their beauty and the setting gave the pictures an edge.
We arrived in the West Village and my finger never left the shutter button. I arranged them on the steps in front of a brownstone and then we moved down the block and used the side of the building as a backdrop. It was a rustic brick wall. I snapped candid photos throughout the late afternoon, capturing the girls looking daring, bold, sexy, dangerous, serious, sad, and happy. I covered every emotion.
“Okay, girls. I think we can call it a wrap. I can’t wait to see what I’ve got.” I held out my camera.
We headed back and I spent the next week looking through all the photos. I chose four for the exhibit—all in black and white. I wanted something to grab the attention of the magazine editors. I needed my work to stand out among all the other talent. I put myself out there and they were either going to love it or hate it. I prayed that it would be the first.
Theo
I ran ten miles and it didn’t help. I wiped the sweat off my forehead with my shirt. I missed her like fucking crazy and nothing took away the pain. I told her I’d wait, only now I regretted it. When I uttered those dumb fucking words I hadn’t realized what they meant. It had been three months and no word from her. I didn’t know how much longer I could wait. One of these days I’d go for a run and end up on her doorstep, begging her to be done finding herself.
I got out of the shower and got dressed. I rarely went out anymore. I didn’t see the point. I just brought everyone around me down. And I definitely wasn’t looking to hook up. Most nights I stayed in watching TV and getting drunk alone. But I promised Joe I’d make an effort tonight. It was his birthday. Darian and I were meeting up with him at a bar down the street. His twin sister had come
to town for the occasion and they’d gone out to dinner to celebrate beforehand.
“I’m ready,” I said to Darian as I entered the living room. He was watching a basketball game on TV.
“Let’s hit it.”
Joe had a shot lined up for us when we walked in. I saw the look on his face and remembered my promise to try and have fun tonight. I lifted my shot in the air and made a toast. “Happy fucking Birthday.” We slammed the shots back.
The bartender quickly poured us another. This time Darian made a toast. By the third shot, I didn’t feel the burn anymore as the alcohol made its way down my throat. Maybe if I were blitzed I wouldn’t remember the feel of Stella’s satiny skin or the way she smelled so fucking sweet. I ordered another round. Obviously I wasn’t drunk enough, yet.
The next day I woke up with a pounding headache, vowing never to drink that much again. And getting liquored up didn’t even work. As soon as I stumbled into my room late last night, or was it early this morning, I didn’t even know, images of Stella bombarded me—her in my bed, her in my T-shirt, and her wrapped around my waist with her back up against the door. I took two Advil and went back to sleep.
Hours later I awoke again and took a much needed shower. I smelled like cheap beer and shots. I pulled on jeans and an old T-shirt, feeling human once again. I ventured into the living room to see what everyone else was up to. Joe and his sister Michele were sitting on the couch and Darian was in the kitchen banging dishes around.
“You up for round two?” Joe smirked.
I stuck my middle finger up in the air. “You’re an asshole.”
There was a loud crash in the kitchen and Joe went to investigate, freeing up a spot on the couch. I sat down and made myself comfortable. There was no way in hell I was going out tonight.
Stella
I took a long time getting ready, wanting everything to be perfect. No one understood better than me how important appearances and first impressions could be and this night meant everything to me. I put my hair up in a twist and did my makeup. I’d chosen a bright blue sleeveless dress that I’d been given after a modeling job. It brought out the color of my eyes and I’d stand out against my black and white photos.
Never Far Away Page 17