by D. S. Murphy
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“From what I can make of it, your mother started acting strange, grew apart from her friends. I don’t think she had much contact with my dad for several months. Then she disappeared like. Ran off to America.”
“It’s still better to start with Liam,” Jackie said, “and keep things quiet.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. The chilly air outside the pub made me shiver, and goose pimples prickled my arms.
“Well it wouldn’t look right for you to turn up after all these years asking questions. I mean, probably it’s nothing, your mom ran away from home and nobody knows why. It’s natural you’d want to look up her friends and find out more about her childhood. But assuming you’re not imagining your tall dark stranger, or the drink is making you paranoid, there’s another possibility—something happened to her that scared her away. And maybe that something is still here.”
That’s ridiculous. Jackie was being overly dramatic. I’d literally just arrived. I couldn’t be in any real danger, could I? I went back inside to grab my coat, and told Aedan I was going to walk home. He wanted to come with me but I assured him I was fine. Portballintrae was so small I could walk from one end to the other in ten minutes. There’s no way I could get lost. Jackie and Derry walked me out, and I said goodbye to them both with a hug. Normally I would have been self-conscious, especially with Derry—a strong, good looking guy—but somehow the drinking and dancing had melted my protective shell and I felt like we were old friends.
The adrenaline had subsided and now I was feeling the alcohol in a different way; a little dizzy, and a little sick to my stomach. The emotional high I’d been on left me feeling very low, and I was horrified I might have made a fool of myself at my mom’s Wake. I vowed to be more careful with alcohol from now on.
I barely registered the note pinned to the front door, I just grabbed it and let myself in. I stumbled to my bed and flopped down. The room tilted and I felt like I was on a flying saucer; everything was still moving and spinning around.
Then I glanced at the note. The paper was thick, and rough. Almost organic. The edges were black, as if they’d been singed with flame. The words were scrawled in an elegant, loopy script. I squinted to read it in the dim light.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
beware the dangers,
return untouched.
Great, I thought. A threat. Or maybe a warning.
I thought the hard part of moving to Portballintrae would be the loneliness of starting over from scratch, but on my second day here, it looked like I already had more than my fair share of friends, and enemies. If only I knew which was which.
5
I woke up with the note clenched in my hand, and my heart started pounding as soon as my brain was clear enough to worry about it. Was that note meant for me? It said to ‘beware the dangers’... but I had just gotten here. How could I be in any danger? I stuffed the note into my desk drawer and vowed to deal with it later. I felt gross, so I took a shower and brushed my teeth, then put on some jeans and a T-shirt. As a final touch, I wrapped the red ribbon around my wrist again. It looked silly, but I didn’t want to remove it, so I pulled a gray sweater on to hide it.
Aedan greeted me when I came out of my room, and pulled a chair out for me at the table. Miscreant eyed me with disdain from the sofa. After a breakfast of eggs, bacon, coffee and two Aspirin—Aedan’s foolproof hangover cure—we drove into Portrush. It was a bigger town than Portballintrae, but pretty touristy. Aedan pointed out the mall, the movie theatre, and even a dance club as we drove by. There were half a dozen antique shops, and amusement centers filled with dated video games and slot machines. After we parked, I pulled out the shopping list Aedan had picked up from the school.
Navy blazer with school badge
Grey skirt or grey trousers (available only from suppliers)
Skirts will be essential for specific occasions as decided by the school. Skirts must be of regulation type.
Navy v-neck pullover with school colours (compulsory for ALL pupils)
Plain white blouse
School tie
Navy or black tights or grey socks
Plain, low heeled black leather shoes, not trainers (if laced, laces should be black)
Optional:
Plain navy or black school coat (no badges, patterns, designs, lettering or other colours)
Aedan needed to pick up some painting supplies from the hardware store, so he gave me some money and dropped me in front of the department store. I browsed through the clothes and picked up everything I could find from the list.
A girl about my age was texting on her phone behind the desk. Her dark hair fell into perfect little curls. She was cute, except for her posture, which was hunched over the phone like a troll.
“Excuse me?” I said, trying to get her attention.
She ignored me. “Dressing rooms?” I tried again, a little louder. She sighed. Without bothering to look up at me, she pointed to her left, and I could see a small unmarked door.
In the dressing room, I tried on the basic outfit: skirt, plain white blouse, black leather shoes, navy V-neck sweater. I looked like I was going to a job interview. Then I tried on the tie and jacket. Now I looked like a Hogwarts student. All I needed was a magic wand.
My hair wasn’t coal-black like my mother’s, but it was still pretty dark, with hints of auburn. Unlike Jackie’s, my curls were unruly and tangled, sticking out in random and distracting ways. I liked the way it accented my eyes, which were light blue, and contrasted with my dark eyebrows, but I wished it was more manageable. It went down past my shoulders, but I could always put it up if I had to. The school didn’t have any special regulations for hair so I didn’t worry about getting it cut.
I tugged at the constricting collar, and tried not to think about arriving at a new school tomorrow feeling ridiculous in these clothes. Dwelling on it wouldn’t make it any easier. I felt much better after I’d changed back into jeans, and laced up my blue Doc Martens. With my arms full of garments, I went back to the front counter, where shopgirl was still texting. Her long plastic fingernails made clicking noises against the screen of her phone.
“I’d like to buy these,” I said, after standing there patiently for a few moments. Maybe she hadn’t seen me. She held up her index finger, signaling me to wait while she finished her text. My arms were starting to tire when she finally put her phone away and rang up the clothing. The cash register showed the total and I put down a couple bills. She got out my change and plopped it on the counter. I examined the coins, trying to make sense of the foreign currency. They were all different sizes and didn’t have numbers.
“You slow or something?” she said, openly hostile.
“No I’m just… American,” I said, my cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
“Same difference,” she smirked, then went back to her cell phone. What was her problem? I let the door slam as I left the store.
Aedan was waiting for me outside, and we walked down the street to a stationery store. We bought pens, pencils, a ruler, a variety of notebooks for different subjects—and also a local sim card for my phone so I could finally get online. I spent the first ten minutes trying to walk and check Facebook and Instagram at the same time, until I tripped over a curb and nearly flattened myself. Then I put the phone away.
While in town I’d kept my eyes peeled for other familiar faces I could match to the photograph. I’m not sure why I didn’t just ask Aedan; I’m sure he would have known who my mom’s friends were. But we hadn’t talked about my mom yet and it seemed like a sensitive subject. I didn’t want to upset him.
On the way back to Portballintrae, Aedan stopped to show me Dunluce Castle. The crumbling stone walls perched on a cliff overlooking the sea felt like something out of a fairy tale. There was a small welcome area with a museum, where we bought tickets. A sign told me that the castle now had a smart phone app with an Audio Guided Tour. I tried out my inter
net connection by downloading the app. I didn’t have earphones with me so I just held the speakers up to my ear.
Dunluce Castle is located dramatically close to a headland that plunges straight into the sea, along the North Antrim coast, and was the headquarters of the MacDonnell Clan.
There is archaeological evidence of a village that surrounded the castle which was destroyed by fire in 1641. The site was also witness to the sinking of a colony ship that broke up on the rocks off Islay in 1857 with the loss of 240 lives.
Constantly fought over, it eventually succumbed to the power of nature, when the kitchen fell into the sea one stormy night in 1639. Reportedly, only one boy from the whole kitchen staff survived. After that, the owners refused to live in it anymore, and it was abandoned shortly afterward.
We had to cross a landscaped patch of bright green grass, and then a narrow bridge over a dangerous looking drop, to reach the ruins. I explored each little nook, trying to find perfect angles to capture both the entirety of the castle ruins and the stunning ocean view behind it. My camera couldn’t do it justice, so after a while I stopped trying and just soaked it up. Aedan gave me a lot of space to explore. I found a hidden corner and sat down against the ancient walls, trying to imagine what it would have been like to live here four hundred years ago. A short while later, Aedan found me, and we sat together, watching the sea.
“Your mom loved it here. It was her favorite place,” he said.
“My mom came here?” I pictured my mother, the young beauty in the photograph, running through the ruins, maybe even sitting in this same spot.
“What was she like when she was younger?” I blurted, no longer able to curb my curiosity.
Aedan’s eyes lit up and he smiled. “A lively one. Always singing and dancing and laughing. Always causing trouble. Wouldn’t let anyone tell her what to do. She skipped school more often than I’d have liked, but it never seemed to hurt her grades. I was probably too easy on her though. Especially as a teenager, I didn’t want to risk pushing her away. Seems like that didn’t matter.” This was the most we’d talked about my mom. It was now or never.
“What happened?” I asked suddenly. “I mean—why did she leave? She never talked about it here. Or about you.”
Aedan sighed, gazing over the water. I wondered if I’d gone too far, if he was even going to answer, but after a while he spoke.
“She always had big dreams… I think she just got bored, you know, small town girl. She wanted more. Though honestly, I thought she loved it here. I never realized she wasn’t happy.”
But there was more—something else he wasn’t telling me. I could see it in his eyes.
“Her mother, my wife Phyllis, left when she was four. It was just the two of us.”
Phyllis left? Mom told me her mother died when she was four. My list of mysteries to solve kept getting bigger.
“I did the best I could. But it became more difficult, as she matured, when she became—”
He stopped, checking himself, and glanced over at me.
“When she became a woman. I didn’t have all the answers for her. I wasn’t enough.”
His eyes started misting over. “She called sometimes, you know. Every year, for my birthday, to let me know how she was doing. Sent pictures of you sometimes.”
“I didn’t know that,” I said. It seemed there was a lot I didn’t know about my mother. I tried to imagine her, about my age, growing up here with Aedan in his house by the sea. I could see in his eyes, he loved her. Even though I didn’t know him well, I didn’t think he’d have done anything to hurt her.
But if it wasn’t Aedan… why had my mother left Ireland? Did it have something to do with the strange man I’d seen? Did he leave that mysterious note, or was there another player? Or maybe it was all ancient history, and I was obsessing over nothing.
I had Aedan take a few pictures of me in front of the castle, and I posted them on Facebook and Instagram. I also updated my status: Thanks for all your comments and support. I’m adjusting to my new life here in Ireland. It’s been hard, but I’ll get through it.
That night I went to bed early, knowing I’d have to get up for school the next day. I was glad Aedan had filled the weekend with activities, it kept my mind busy—too busy to feel the anxiety that was waiting for me as soon as I lay down. Things were moving so fast, it seemed like I had no control over my life anymore. I was nervous to be starting a new school in the morning, and though I tried not to admit it to myself, a small part of me was furious at my parents for leaving. I fell asleep thinking about the photograph, and all the questions I had about my mother and my grandmother.
***
I dreamt that I was floating across the ocean in a crystal sphere. The sound of the ocean grew louder, until it surrounded me, and I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into it, until the surface was so far above me the light couldn’t find me anymore. The waves pounding against the shore were in perfect sync with my heartbeat. I felt a chill and reached to pull my blanket up to cover me, but my fingers grasped at emptiness—it wasn’t there.
Nor was my bed.
I opened my eyes frantically and gasped—I was standing in my pajamas at the very edge of a cliff, the white, foamy waves crashed against the rocks hundreds of feet below me. A sudden wind pushed me off balance, and for a second I teetered dangerously over the edge. I leaned back quickly and stumbled away from the precipice. The blood rushed to my ears and my legs trembled.
What the hell am I doing here?
I was halfway up the hill to Dunluce Castle, about fifty feet from the main road. I could see the silhouette of the castle off in the distance to my left, and the faint glow of lights from Portballintrae to the right, pulsing through a thin mist.
The full moon hovered in the starry sky, casting a wide, pearly gleam over glassy green water. A dark shadow I’m sure was a bat zipped past me with a leathery noise. As I surveyed the scene, a spot of white against the dark rocks below me caught my eye. I took a sharp breath. Impossibly, there was a boy down there, sitting on a small rock off the shore, looking up at me.
I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes, but when I strained to get a closer look, I could still see him clearly. His face looked young, flawlessly smooth but with strong, perfect features. I would have guessed he was younger than me, except for his build, which—while lanky, had developed muscles. He almost looked like a marble statue, chiseled out of stone. His ash blond hair framed his face in wet, spiky tufts. But it was his eyes that captivated me the most. Somehow, even from this great distance, I could tell that they were light green, and almost iridescent.
If it were daytime I would have assumed he was posing for some kind of model shoot; he was leaning back on his hands casually, chin tilted up towards the moon as if absorbing its white rays. I leaned to the side to see the shoreline but didn’t see any cameras. I looked back at the boy and realized I couldn’t see his bathing suit. Is he…? Oh my god, he’s naked! I thought I saw him smile, as if he could read my thoughts, and my cheeks flushed red.
Then I realized I was still in my pajamas, not to mention standing on the edge of a cliff like a lunatic. My feet were bare and now cut and dirty. When I looked again he’d vanished. A gust of wind made me shiver, and I wrapped my arms around myself. My curiosity was piqued, and I waited a few more minutes to see if he’d surface again. He didn’t.
He’s probably hiding. He’s embarrassed some crazy girl caught him skinny dipping in the middle of the night. It’s none of my business anyway. I laughed at myself, worrying about what some strange boy thought of me, rather than confronting the fact that I almost just killed myself sleep-walking off a cliff. Maybe I was losing my mind. Maybe I had a split personality and a whole alternate me was taking over my body, and doing things I couldn’t remember. But if I were crazy, maybe there wasn’t really even a boy down there at all. Maybe there hadn’t been a scary looking man in the pub, either. How can I tell what’s real? That thought terrified me, and I had a sudden
and urgent need to be back at home in bed. Luckily there was only one road into town, and I was on it. I practically ran down the hill, crying out when I stumbled and skinned my knee on the cement road. I limped the rest of the way home and let myself in through the front door, which was, thank god, unlocked. Aedan hadn’t noticed my absence, so I slipped into bed and tried—without success—to forget those mesmerizing green eyes.
6
The shrill beep of my alarm woke me, and I started getting ready for school on autopilot. It wasn’t until I saw the blood on my knee that I remembered my midnight adventure. So it was real. But maybe parts of it had been a dream. I couldn’t have really seen a boy out there. And anyway, so what if I had? I didn’t have time to think about it right now. I took a shower and combed the tangles out of my hair. I thought about putting on some makeup, but I couldn’t remember if there were rules against that. I tried on my fake nerd glasses, which were kind of cool in America but might be really lame here. I hated the fact that I was so worried about my appearance. But it was my first day of school. In the end I decided to go au naturel, hoping that my unadorned plainness would help me disappear.
In the uniform, I could hardly recognize myself. It felt like I was disappearing; like somebody else had taken over my life. I grabbed the red ribbon from my desk and wrapped it around my wrist, tying the ends together in a small bow. With my jacket on, you couldn’t see it, but somehow it made me feel stronger.
Jackie and Derry were waiting for the bus at the stop, and I joined them. It picked us up after a few minutes, and they introduced me to some friends of theirs. Derry was seventeen and in fifth year. Jackie was my age, but in the transitional year, which is where I should be, but I’d be taking Third year coursework to catch up. While most students stayed in the same classroom, my schedule was erratic.