by D. S. Murphy
“He’s gay?” I said, reading her meaning.
“He’s never said anything to me about it. Maybe he’s just really shy around girls. Let’s just say it’s an intuition I have about him, that might be misplaced. Don’t say anything though.”
“Lips sealed,” I promised.
We explored the coastline and the strange formations until the sun started going down. As I watched the sky turn pink and orange, and the sinking sun’s reflection over the ocean, Sebastian came up and stood next to me. There was a gust of wind, and his hand brushed against mine. I felt a tingling spread over my skin, and shivered. But then I crossed my arms. I wasn’t ready to swoon just yet.
“What did you mean before, at school,” I said. “Something about my kind.”
“Nothing, never mind. I … I made a mistake.”
I frowned and glared up at him.
“It’s just something we say in Iceland to pretty girls,” he said.
Did he just call me pretty?
I blushed, even though I was trying to control myself. There were a million reasons why romance shouldn’t be on my to-do list. And besides, didn’t they say that grief made you horny? I couldn’t trust my body right now. But I was in this amazingly unreal landscape, at sunset, standing next to an epically handsome guy who for some reason kept hanging around me. A small part of me felt like a princess in a fantasy. I licked my lips, thinking that the romance would be heightened if he decided to grab me and kiss me like the world was ending. Then I chased the image out of my head. What’s wrong with me?
Maybe Jackie was right. I was almost sixteen, and for some reason, this hot guy seemed interested in me. He thought I was cute. What else could it be? Even though I’d given him no encouragement and had no idea how to flirt, here he was watching the sunset with me.
Since I got to Ireland I’d become obsessed with finding out more about my mother, even imagining that I was in danger. But maybe my mother’s problems were her problems. Maybe I’d never discover her reasons for leaving Ireland, or what really happened to Colin, or for lying to me. Aedan was right, I shouldn’t shut the world out. This was my life now. I wasn’t going back to America any time soon. I might as well make the best of it, and maybe Sebastian was my chance. If he was hiding something from me, and I’m not sure he was, he probably had good reasons for it. And after all the strange things I’d experienced recently, I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle.
10
It started out as the perfect birthday party, and ended with a dead girl. I was still on an emotional high from the day at the beach, and every time Sebastian looked my way I felt butterflies in my stomach. Jackie thought he liked me. And why else would he show up at my house, or hang out with us all day long, and then come back to Aedan’s house for dinner? It’s like he had nowhere else he wanted to be. The constant dull ache in my heart since my parents’ death was starting to loosen up, and instead of feeling guilty about that, I felt relieved. I knew my parents wouldn’t want me to linger in morosity. I was glad to be feeling happy for a change. Of course the two glasses of wine probably had something to do with my sudden optimism.
Derry was telling a funny story and I laughed out loud, snorting into my wine glass. Aedan watched me curiously, probably counting the cups of wine I drank. I’m sure he would have cut me off after the first one if it weren’t my birthday. Sebastian smiled politely but never really relaxed. But it was my party. I could laugh if I wanted to. For just one day, I was going to pretend to be a normal, happy, teenage girl.
Aedan had made pasta with chunky vegetables in the sauce, and the kitchen still smelled like rosemary and oregano. After dinner, Aedan went into the living room and returned with a deck of cards, with Miscreant weaving between his legs. “Fancy a game of 25’s?”
Sebastian nodded, “It’s been awhile but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.”
“I’ve never actually played,” Jackie said.
“I learned once but I forget,” Derry said. “How’s it go: Five, Jack, Ace of Hearts, Ace of Trumps, Royals, Highest in Red, Lowest in Black? Something about robbing and reneging?”
It took a few rounds before I got the hang of it, and then I held my own. When I finally reached twenty-five points and won a round, Aedan decided it was a good place to stop. He went into the kitchen and brought out an upside down applesauce cake with walnuts and white frosting, and a single lit candle sticking out of it.
“Happy birthday to you…” Aedan started, and the others joined in, clapping their hands. I honestly didn’t know what to wish for. For the last four years I’d wished to become a professional singer. That goal seemed far away now, though I hadn’t given up on it. And wishing for it again, when I had so little control over my future, seemed scarier, like I’d jinx it somehow. And I couldn’t handle thinking about it. If I wasn’t a singer, what else could I do with my life? I had no idea, and the enormity of my ignorance threatened to break down the walls of sanity I’d been trying to hold up over the last few weeks. So I decided to keep it simple.
What else did I want? I glanced up at Sebastian, and he smiled at me. I was grinning so hard when I blew out my candle, I had to bite my lip to stop. After we’d had cake, it was getting stuffy in the small house, so we went outside for some air. Derry lit a cigarette and shared it with Jackie. The coastal air was fresh and a little biting. A sudden gust of wind took my breath away and I shivered. Sebastian took off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. I suddenly felt warmed up, from the inside out. Jackie raised an eyebrow at me, then grabbed Derry’s arm.
“We’re going back inside, but you guys take your time,” she said, pulling him into the house.
Sebastian made no move to leave. I could feel his body next to mine, my right hand just inches from his left, as we turned together and looked out over the sea. It was almost black now, the horizon marked only by the beginning of the starry sky. The moon had been full a few nights ago, now it was waning. I put my hands in the pockets of Sebastian’s coat, and my fingertips brushed against something. I pulled it out—a shiny piece of blue ribbon.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he shrugged. “Saw it at the beach today, picked it up. I hate seeing trash near the ocean.”
Handsome and eco-friendly. I wanted to make a smart comment, but I couldn’t think of any, so I stayed quiet, listening to the waves. My heart was pounding in my ears. The air between us was thick, and seemed charged with energy. I wondered if I should grab his hand, or lean on his shoulder. Maybe he was too shy to make the first move—though that seemed unlikely.
“Close your eyes,” he said after a few moments, reaching into his pocket. He lifted the corners of his mouth, but the gesture didn’t reach his eyes.
“Why?” I asked. My heart fluttered and my palms were sweating. I remembered the note on my doorstep, and the missing girl. Was it stupid to be alone with him in the dark? What if he’s reaching for a weapon? He could totally be a serial killer. I didn’t know anything about this guy: where he came from, or why he showed up mysteriously just a few days after I did.
Sebastian lifted his fingertips to my eyebrows and very slowly let them fall, brushing my eyelids shut. My insides turned to butter. I kept my eyes closed, and licked my lips. I was excited—and a little nervous—for the kiss I was sure was coming.
I held my breath as he moved behind me and lifted up my hair. I felt something cold against my neck, and his fingertips brushed against my collarbone.
“Like it?” he said in a low voice behind me. I could feel his breath against my cheek.
I opened my eyes, and reached up to feel the delicate string of beads around my neck. No, not beads. Pearls.
“You look beautiful,” he said. He stood in front of me, looking straight into my eyes, and for the first time, I didn’t run away or duck my chin.
He reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and my whole body tingled. The wine made me bold. And it was my birthday, and a handsome
guy just gave me pearls. I felt like I was in some romantic movie, and I knew what came next.
I leaned into him, tilting my lips up towards his. I closed my eyes, waiting for him to close the gap between us, to feel the brush of his lips on mine…
Instead I felt him shudder, and turn away.
The rejection felt like an ice pick into my heart.
First I was embarrassed, thinking I must have misread the situation. But I thought the pearls had been a pretty clear message; why would he give me a gift like that if he didn’t want to kiss me? If he didn’t like me, what was he even doing here?
The tension between our bodies was unbearable.
“Sorry—” I stumbled, “I thought you wanted…” I left the sentence unfinished, feeling confused and hurt.
“It’s not you,” he said, frowning.
“Sure. I shouldn’t have, anyway. I’m a little drunk. Forget it ever happened. I should go.”
I felt nauseous. The alcohol had clouded my judgment and I’d made a fool of myself. I needed to get away from him until I could think clearly. I turned towards the house abruptly.
He grabbed my wrist, and spun me back around, then took my shoulders with both hands. His eyes were the greenest I’d ever seen them.
“I want to. Believe me I want to,” he said.
“Forget it. It’s fine,” I lied.
“It’s just—I can’t. It’s… forbidden.”
His words hit me like a bucket of ice.
What?
“Look I don’t care if you don’t want to kiss me,” I said, suddenly angry. “I’m not your type, or you don’t like me that way, or whatever. I’ll deal with it. But don’t make up some bullshit excuse.”
I was almost shaking with rage when I ran into the house and slammed the door. And that’s when I saw the dead girl. Aedan had turned on the news, and everybody was standing around the TV. Jackie had one hand to her mouth, and the expression on her face froze me in my tracks.
On screen was a view of Giant’s Causeway, where we’d been standing just hours ago. The caption read, missing girl found dead on beach. A reporter was interviewing a fat woman with a little white dog.
“So I was just taking Brighton here for a walk, and I saw someone lying on the rocks, which isn’t all that weird, but she was surrounded by flowers. I thought they were filming a movie or something, but it was just her, so I went to see what was going on. The most bizarre thing, she’s laid out in a pretty blue dress, a ring of flowers around her, her hands folded neatly on her stomach, as pretty as you please, and ribbons in her hair.”
I looked over at Sebastian, and what I saw gave me chills. While the rest of us looked surprised or shocked, he hardly flinched. If anything, he looked guilty. I reached into my pocket and fingered the blue ribbon, the one Sebastian said he’d found on the beach. My gut twisted and I knew, somehow, that it belonged to Bedelia Meath.
***
When Aedan found out that we’d already known about the missing girl, I thought he was going to yell at me. Instead he said quietly, “I think it’s time for your friends to go home.” I could tell Sebastian wanted to stay and talk. His eyes seemed to be pleading with me. Give me a chance to explain. But Aedan shooed them out. After they left he gave me a lecture about responsibility, and made me promise I wouldn’t go anywhere alone and that I’d keep my cell phone on all the time.
Alone in my bedroom, I tried to get a handle on my raging emotions. My fingers against the typewriter didn’t bring the comfort I was looking for. Did I really suspect Sebastian of killing Bedelia? He was strange, but he didn’t seem like a psychopath. But what did I really know about him? Had he really found the ribbon on the beach, or was it a keepsake from his latest victim? But if that were true, why would he agree to come to Giant’s Causeway at all? Wouldn’t he recommend somewhere else?
These questions helped keep my mind off the other thing I’d found out tonight, the thing that was squeezing the air out of my lungs, making me gasp for air. The thing that had shattered my heart. He doesn’t want me. I hated that the rejection meant so much to me. I barely knew Sebastian, and until the moment he pulled away, I wasn’t even sure that I liked him. I’d let Jackie convince me that there was something between us, and I’d been dreaming of a fantasy romance where none existed. I tried to distract myself with homework or Facebook for a while, but I couldn’t shake the emptiness in my chest, a void so empty and aching it was almost painful. Then I got a text from Jackie.
What happened with Sebastian?
You looked upset when you came inside
Did he try something?
I wish. I thought.
I was crying because… he gave me pearls?
How could I explain that?
I thought he wanted to kiss me…
I touched the pearls around my neck again, remembering his fingertips on my collarbone.
But then, he didn’t.
Thinking about Sebastian brought warmth to my body, but also made me feel guilty. How could I be thinking about boys when they’d just found Bedelia? If anything, I wanted Sebastian to kiss me even more. Maybe her death had just reminded me of how short and tragic life was. Some people say death is an aphrodisiac, right?
I thought by leaving America behind, I’d somehow closed the door on loss and death, and gone through a reality portal; I’d thought somehow Ireland would be green hills and flowers and a fresh start. But death had followed me.
I couldn’t believe how melodramatic I was becoming. The typewriter allowed me the freedom to explore my darkest thoughts, without worrying about them being accidentally discovered. A ding alerted me to a new message from Jackie.
That’s nothing, he probably chickened out
He’s obviously into you, there must just be something holding him back. Maybe he just broke up with someone… give him time
I wanted to believe her, but there was something about the way Sebastian pulled away from me… like he physically couldn’t stand to be near me. Almost like he found me repulsive.
And even though I’d never met her, I couldn’t get Bedelia out of my mind. It was weird that she turned up in the same place we’d just been, but that had to be a coincidence. Another coincidence. I was probably fixating morosely, that’s what a psychologist would have said. If I were being honest with myself, the knot in my stomach probably had more to do with seeing Sebastian at school the next day, and wondering if he’d ignore me or avoid me now. Whatever. I had more important things to think about. And I was going back to the states in a couple years for school anyway. It could never have worked between us.
I took the pearls off and set them on my desk. Maybe Jackie was right; maybe Sebastian just chickened out. Why would he give me a gift like that if he didn’t like me? I still felt like a fool, throwing myself at a guy I’d only known for a few days. But I’d been entirely too distracted by boys recently. Tomorrow I’d be sixteen. I had two more years before I graduated, and I needed to focus on school if I wanted to get into a top opera program. Though I went to sleep with a heavy heart.
That night I dreamed I was up on the cliff again.
It was so vivid, I could hear the wind in my ears. Feel the cool, fresh grass between my toes. Sebastian was behind me, holding me. He wrapped his arms around me and I could feel his body pressing against mine. And then we were surrounded by water. Floating, sinking. I could feel the throbbing of the ocean and it matched my heartbeat, each wave pounding against the shore reverberated through my body like a gong. I should have been terrified, but for some reason, I wasn’t. I felt warm and secure, safe. Protected.
Then there was a blinding light.
11
I woke up with a headache, clutching the piece of blue ribbon, and hating myself as the confusing jumble of memories from last night hit my brain. Did I really yell at Sebastian for not kissing me?
I rolled out of bed, my fingers itching to touch the cool keys of my typewriter. I didn’t care how early it was, I needed to process. I
remembered my dream about Sebastian, and typed out my thoughts, imagining them appear on an invisible piece of paper.
When I went into the living room, I found Aedan asleep in his arm chair with an empty bottle of wine next to him. He must have stayed up late, drinking by himself. Then I saw the note in his lap.
I recognized my mother’s handwriting, and reached for the note, carefully slipping the paper from Aedan’s fingers.
I love you, Dad, but I can’t live here in this small town anymore. I need to find myself, somewhere new where nobody knows my past. I’m sorry I can’t explain more in person or justify this choice. It tears me apart to be the second woman to leave you, but know that I wouldn’t if it weren’t absolutely necessary. Trust me that it’s for the best. Yours forever, Branna.
I assumed the first woman to leave must have been my grandmother. I didn’t want to be the third, and hoped I wouldn’t have to. The note didn’t say anything about Colin. Was it possible that she’d left town, and then someone had killed him later on the same day? I put the note back, careful not to disturb him, though I was tempted to wake him up and ask questions. Where did my grandma come from? Why did she leave?
I was certain he knew more than he was telling me, but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with Aedan yet to ask. He was obviously still hurting, even after all these years. The news of a murderer who was targeting young girls couldn’t have helped.
I put a blanket over him and got ready for school. I started brushing my hair in the bathroom, but the brush clattered in the sink when I saw my mother’s face staring back at me from the mirror.
What the hell?
I waved my hand. So did the reflection.