by Ben Woollard
“Fucking insanity,” I muttered to myself as I approached the building. Suddenly Tahm appeared before me, seeming to materialize from the air. Angrily I tried to go around him, but he moved and blocked the way.
“So what?” he said. “Just like that you’ll abandon all your duty?”
“Fuck my duty!” I yelled at him, my temper fully lost, tired, sore, and shivering as I was. I tried to walk by him again, but again he barred my way. “Move!” I shouted. “I don’t want anything to do with your bullshit! You’re just some crazy old vagrant, aren’t you? You’ve just been fucking with me! Get out of my way!” I tried to push past him. He was much smaller and meek looking than myself, but I couldn’t make him budge. Suddenly I felt a force, not from Tahm, but from the space behind me, as if hands were grabbing at my clothes to pull me down. I fell to the ground and try as I might couldn’t get myself back up again. Tahm towered over me, seeming now to grow in stature, his eyes gleaming as if backlit.
“So you would abandon all you love to doom for childishness? To avoid the pain of the cool night air?” he asked me, and his voice seemed to roll and boom like thunder. I went pale and my anger drained to fear. “Is that to be your choice, boy? To see it all burn to save yourself discomfort?”
I tried to mutter something about not knowing about the truth of what he’d shown me, but I felt it wrong to speak such words against the horror of that vision, which still struck cords inside me at its recollection. No, it had been real, too real, and reflected all the things I saw already forming in the world: the truth of it accosted me and made me silent.
“What are you?” I asked, my voice cracking. “Just what the fuck are you?” Tahm’s eyes glowed all the brighter, and around his head I saw tendrils of bright light form and wave outwards, where they faded off into the dark.
“I’ve lived to see the downfall of a thousand earths and nations, the virtues and the terrors of your kind,” he said. “I’ve been forgotten and remembered more times than there’re stars. I’m older than the rivers, and I’ve stood upon the world creating speaking tongue. The mountains know me as their elder, and the soil bows before me. Yet I come out from the vastness of myself to speak to you, boy, for the sake of all your confused breed. It’s the will of those above me that you should not rot and be left as nourishment for worms, though many have argued that’s all that you deserve. You’ve seen the claws that seek to dig inside you; I come to offer you empyrean.” As he spoke these words the terror of his image faded, and I felt the force that held me to the ground begin to lessen. Again he stood before me as a small, old and dirt-strewn man.
“I’ve come to help you,” he said, “but I can’t force you on this path.” He offered his hand to help me up and shaking I took it.
“I’m sorry,” I said shamefaced. “I don’t want to give up. I want to meet what’s coming.” Tahm smiled at me warmly, and clasped my shoulder with his hand.
“So you will, Sam. Go rest, and take tomorrow for yourself. We’ll meet the day after and continue.” I nodded and walked the rest of the way across the field, the stars looking down upon me, and I felt they were reflected in me: droplets in my veins. I won’t fail, I told myself. I can’t fail.
Chapter 7
The Memoir of Franz Thompson
I went home that night to sleep in my small barracks cot. I still felt the pulsing, and when I closed my eyes I could see the red shining out from the edges of my mind, watching me. I couldn’t sleep, and so I tried doing pushups on the floor, feeling something closer to anger than to tiredness as I tried to wear myself out. But the more I tried, the more the feeling grew. It was a kind of anger that I had never felt before, full of a kind of satisfaction, even pleasure; it made me want to find someone to fight. After a while I laid down and the feeling left me enough that I could sleep. I dreamt of old battlefields with deep trenches that scared the land, where men waited for their turn to leap above and face the raining bullets of an unseen enemy.
My sleep was shorter than normal, and I rose after only four hours to find that I felt completely rested. I had plans to go see Lucie that day, and for the first time I wondered how she would react when I told her what had happened. I felt a sharp pain in my skull at the thought, and those red avian eyes appeared inside my imagination. They warned me through wordless intent that I was to tell no one about The Device, or what I had undergone.
“It’s forbidden,” the voice said, and the sharpness in my skull increased. The feeling was like metal spikes being driven into the deepest sections of my brain, and they only released when I agreed that I would stay silent. “I’ll be watching,” the voice said before receding. I lay sweating on my bed, gripping tightly at my hair growing above where the pain had been. I was shaken by the experience, and felt the protestations of that other part of me that, despite only barely living, was sickened by my state. I shrugged it off as best as I could and got up from my cot to start the day.
As I dressed I heard the droning sound that began the morning sessions of The Daily News. They announced the usual UCG cants, the importance of solidarity and loyalty to the each other and the UCG. I half-listened to the announcer’s voice, then stopped what I was doing when I heard them speak on something that I hadn’t heard before.
“The UCG needs able men and women to work for the betterment of all. We are offering jobs for those who wish to serve the people with their labor. Come to any recruiting office today for information.” I was struck by this announcement, as the UCG had never needed to recruit for general labor; they created most of the jobs and always had a steady stream of loyalists coming in through The Academy. I should have payed closer attention to such developments, but my mind drifted back to Lucie.
I met her on the Central Plaza, and we walked, holding hands and talking as we went. I felt so full of energy I struggled to control myself, and was nearly shouting my enthusiasm for the future of the UCG, and of me and Lucie. It felt like fire was boiling inside me, and I couldn’t keep it from charging everything I said.
“What’s gotten into you today?” she asked me. I stopped, becoming aware of the watching gaze still present, always present, inside of me. I told her that I didn’t know, that I was just feeling good.
Lucie worked as a clerk at Central, and as we walked she told me about her job, how the hours had been made longer, and the paperwork seemed to be getting more and more encoded.
“Honestly I don’t know what’s happened lately. Almost a quarter of the clerk staff is gone, and they won’t tell us where they went, but they give us all the extra work. These days everything’s in some weird code, or referring to things I’ve never heard of. I talked to some of the other clerks, and none of them can make heads or tails of it. I asked my supervisor why they were using it and he just told me not to ask questions about it. I mean he nearly threatened me, Franz.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be asking questions,” I said automatically.
“That’s not funny, Franz,” Lucie said, stopping.
“I just mean, well, why should we know everything Shilk does? It’s not like we have a right to know. Obedience is our job.” I said these words with a radiant confidence, full of pride for my patriotic thinking. I felt the presence watching in my mind approve, but Lucie just stared at me.
“Listen to yourself! I can’t believe what you’re saying!” she reproached me. “I swear all you talk about is Shilk, as if he was the Gov. This isn’t a joke Franz; it’s not just my department that’s been losing people. A lot of people in the city have told me their friends or family members are missing. People are scared.” I didn’t know what to say to her; I hadn’t heard anything about any missing people, and I assumed that I would know if it was really happening. Fool that I was, impregnated with blind loyalty and bloodlust, I refused to look at things clearly.
“Well, so what if they are?” I said indignantly. “I’m sure there’s a good reason for it if they have been arresting people. As for the workers in your office, they’ve probably jus
t been reassigned.”
“But none of them said anything to anybody, they’re just gone! I don’t know how you can be so out of touch!” Lucie yelled at me, releasing my hand. “All you ever have to say is about how wonderful the Gov is, but they’re sending people god knows where!” She stopped suddenly and looked at me accusingly. “Are you involved with this?”
“Of course not! Come on, I wouldn’t lie.” I said, but still she looked betrayed.
“I-I don’t know,” she said. “There’s something different about you lately. Like, I don’t know, like you’re a different person or something.”
“Lucie, don’t be stupid. Nothing has changed.” Even as I said this I could feel the red gaze looking out through my own eyes. I tried to hug her but she pushed me off.
“Just leave me along for a while, Franz. I just need to be alone,” she said and left me standing beneath the trees of Fide Park, the small fountain on the lawn gurgling to the birds chirping among the trees. I felt strange, as if the sadness that I should have been experiencing was far away, on the other side of some translucent barrier. I was numb, and I wondered at it. Confused and uncertain, I walked back to the barracks, and all the way I felt those always present eyes upon me. The consequences of The Device’s effects on me were starting to show themselves more clearly. I wouldn’t have said then that I regretted it, the glow it had given was still too enticing, but I regretted making Lucie angry, and I slunk back to the barracks in a haze of confliction.
***
I lay in my cot the rest of the night, wondering about what Lucie had said. I felt inside myself and spoke into the space I found there.
“I need to speak with Shilk,” I told the form that looked back at me through thought. I waited, and after a few minutes a response came.
“His office, seven tonight,” the voice, thick and heavy, came back to me.
It was still early in the afternoon, and I left the dinginess of the barracks to walk around the city, my mind moving in a thousand distraught ways. I wore my Red Cap uniform, sash glowing under the scattering sunlight. The people seemed to eye me, and pass out of my way as I walked. I wandered, my eyes unfocused, feeling all the different forces that raged inside me. I still felt that sense of horror, but it was buried under a mass of iron. My chest felt constantly aglow with pride for Shilk, and for the UCG. Even if they are recruiting people, I thought, there has to be a good reason for it. I was confident in that, but still I felt a kind of doubt that I couldn’t fully bury, as hard as I tried.
The city passed me by in droves of dirty, forlorn faces. I walked among the plazas and the streets, lost in thought, stopping now and then to survey all around me. The buildings seemed pathetic, the infrastructure twice so. The streets were uneven, some paved with brick, some with the pavement of the age that came before. I thought how sad the whole thing was, how far the world had fallen from the golden age we had been taught preceded the collapse. The world then had been full of miracles, and now it was only full of dirt. What better purpose could there be than to see the old world revived, to see the structure that had once allowed the old cities to be built, that had created the vastness of technology and the global reach of nations? Now everything was splintered. People have nothing now, I thought, except to toil towards that end. Those that didn’t understand that must be shown, or dragged.
Yet as these thoughts were passing through me, I was aware of the undercurrents of another stream, one that threw uncertainty on everything that I thought I was so sure about. I would have killed these other thoughts and feelings if I could have, but the more I tried to suppress them, the stronger they became. I wanted to scream, to beat my fists against the wall for all my confliction. I cursed my condition, and began to plead with the form inside me to remove my feelings of contradiction. I felt the gaze of the presence shift inside me and my certainty grew stronger, yet still that undercurrent remained, albeit somewhat diminished. I walked for hours, and when I noticed the sun beginning to set, I headed towards Central to see Shilk.
I was early when I got there, so I stood out front and watched the passing crowds of soldiers, clerks, bureaucrats and politicians. They formed an endless flood of bodies, and I wondered at how vast a system I had become a part of.
When it was five to seven I walked through the halls to where Shilk’s office was located in the back. Red Caps stood guarding the hallway that led to it, and I recognized them as Sanglorians, those who’d also been connected to The Device. They saluted me and let me through. Shilk was sitting behind his desk expectantly when I came in, and he rose and shook my hand, motioning to me to sit down at the chair in front of his desk.
“How can I be of service to you, Franz?”
“Well sir,” I said, feeling awkward now that I had actually come to speak to him. “I’ve been hearing some things lately, and I just wanted to come and see if they were true.” He looked at me unsurprised, and it occurred to me that he likely already knew. Didn’t our connection give him access to me, didn’t the creature in my head whisper into his?
“And what have you heard?” he asked me with a flat tone.
“There’s been –er– rumors that people have been disappearing lately. People are saying that it’s us. The UCG, that is.”
“Disappearing, eh? Well I think I can offer some explanation to that, although I’d say the term is quite an overstatement, as I’m sure you’ll agree.”
“But there’s some truth in it, sir?” Shilk paused, and seemed to be considering the most tactful way to continue.
“Yes, some, but only the most tiny grain. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the mines we’ve just discovered?”
“I have.”
“They’ve only recently become fully functional. They were discovered a while back, up in the north, it’s just that it’s taken our engineers a good amount of time to get them cleared and up and running. We found a number of deposits still intact inside them: coal, iron, even a few with gold! As for the ‘disappearances,’” he said with his fingers quoting in the air. “They aren’t disappearances, but rather recruitment. I’m sure you’ve heard the Daily News announcements about our hiring new workers. We weren’t having any luck advertising for the mines alone, so we’ve switched our strategy to calling for general labor. Well, those that come to us are being hired and sent out to work the mines, and at quite a good rate I assure you. We can’t be blamed if those who come don’t do a sufficient job of informing everyone inside their respective circles as to exactly where they’re going.”
“So all the rumors are just the result of people being hired out to work the mines? But why did you stop advertising that that’s what the jobs you’re offering are?”
“People don’t like the idea of leaving the city and their families, but if they’re already in the recruitment office, and they’re told that’s all that’s available, it’s much more likely that they will accept,” Shilk said. “I assure you there’s nothing sinister afoot, my boy! Just some clever marketing and some miscommunication, is all. Nothing to worry about.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m glad to hear it, sir. Sorry to bother you with something so trivial.”
“Not a problem, I always have time to speak to any of my Sanglorians. Now, enjoy the rest of your day off, tomorrow we’ll hold a meeting to talk about the future of the UCG, so it’s best you get some rest.”
“I will, sir. Thank you.” I got up to leave, shaking the General Directors hand once more. As I left I thought I heard Shilk muttering to himself, but dismissed it as my own imagination.
When I returned to the barracks the sun had set completely and the buildings and brick streets had faded into darker shades, the shutters were shut and less people now moved throughout the streets. I arrived at the barracks and walked through the halls that led to my room. When I rounded the corner I saw Lucie standing by my doorway.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hi.”
“I wanted to apologize to you. I didn’t feel rig
ht leaving earlier. I was just upset.”
“It’s okay,” I said, and we both stood there without anything to say.
“You want to come in?” I asked, and she nodded.
Laying in my narrow cot together later, she told me why she’d been so upset.
“My neighbor’s son disappeared,” she said. “He went to one of those Gov recruitment offices that said they would help him find work, and he never came back.” I looked at her, surprised.
“So he didn’t disappear, he found work! I talked to Shilk earlier, he said that the people who signed up with the recruitment are being sent to work one some of the mines up north.”
“But why wouldn’t he come back to tell us that? If he’d been hired they would let him tell his family that he was gonna leave!”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe he tried to send a message but it didn’t go through or something.”
“No, Franz, that doesn’t make any sense. He never came back to get any of his things, nobody sent a message. He was just gone. If he did go to whatever mines your talking about, then they must’ve took him there without letting him even come home to tell his family.”
“But why would the UCG do that?”
“I don’t know, Franz, that’s why everyone’s been so scared lately. A lot of people won’t go to the recruitment offices because of it, but I’ve been hearing that there’ve been arrests. Gov troops showing up late at night and just taking people.”