Light Bearing
Page 15
“What? That can’t be true unless those people had a reason to be arrested. Look, I arrested a lot of people before I joined the Red Caps, back when I was in general infantry, but only people who had done something to deserve it.”
“Are you sure about that?” Lucie asked me, and her voice was pitched high and quiet, drifting up to me. Was I sure? I had been told there was a reason for the arrests, but thinking back many people had protested they were innocent. At the time I just assumed that they were lying, but Lucie made me doubt myself. “Franz,” she said. “I’m worried about you. Lately you’re so full of energy and that’s wonderful but you seem a bit manic, like Shilk’s gotten into your head or something. I’m just worried maybe you’re blinded by something you can’t see.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “I know what I’m doing, I promise.” But inside me the horror I’d been suppressing began to pulse and throb. My confidence had wavered and with it came the terrible realization that maybe I had made a mistake and put too much trust into the UCG. I did all I could to push the feeling down, but Lucie’s words had a strong effect on me, and doubt again crept through me.
Chapter 8
I spent the next day mostly lounging in town for the first time since I’d come to work the ‘stead. Me and Theo decided half a day off every now and then would do us both some good. We did some work that morning, but then went into the center of the settlement to the long building I’d first encountered when I came in, which Theo told me was called the barhouse, telling me it was something most settlements had.
“Did the place you grow up have one?” I asked.
“Yep, it had three, actually, when I was really little, though by the time I left the place was starting to fall apart and there weren’t any public buildings.”
“Really, how come?”
“Mostly I’d say it was the Gov having stretched its influence over us. When I was growing up they didn’t have that far a reach, and it was only the closest settlements that their rules and taxes took affect on. Then when they first showed up they made us give them near half our food to start, then they made us give them most our tech.”
“Did you have a lot?”
“Not much,” Theo said. “Just a few generators we used to keep the lights on round the main roads at night, course that all ended when the Gov took them, and the lights, too, for that matter.”
“I’m surprised people were willing to hand them over,” I said, and Theo laughed.
“No one was willing, but there wasn’t much we could do. The Gov intimidated the council into agreeing to it. They rode into town with their cavalry all armed with rifles and glaring everybody down. Once they’d gotten all the bigger stuff it was easy for them to lay a claim on anything they wanted. They took most our tools, even some people’s forks and knives were confiscated for the metal. Eventually people started moving closer to the central settlements, or into Columbia itself, as the outer places were taxed twice as much as the places closer in.”
“Really? Why?”
“I think it was to make it so that people had to move, make everyone gather up close; easier to govern that way. The settlement shrunk once people started taking off, and anyone that was left knew their future wasn’t looking bright. Then the Singulars showed up and started pulling even more people away, myself included. It wasn’t a hard choice: I didn’t have any family left after my mom died, and the small bit of land I’d been left hadn’t been productive in years, not that I knew anything about farming back then, anyway. I would’ve moved or joined the cadet Academy if I didn’t hate the Gov so much for what they’d done in stripping my home of everything it had. I’d say it’s a pretty typical story for a lot of outer settlements.”
“Yeah I can see how that could make a person hate them. Hell, I grew up with all the Gov’s so called modernity and I was never much a fan of them myself, though I’d say most everyone in Columbia bought in to the fear of collapse they’re always preaching; it’s hard not to when you grow up in it.” I thought about the way anyone involved within the UCG talked, and it occurred to me how paranoid all of it was.
Autumn was fully upon us and the rain began to fall in light sheets as we walked.
“Theo,” I said, “did you ever go and see any of the settlements that were way out, past where the Gov would have control of, even now?”
“A few times when I was younger I did. Most of ‘em were like us: small with only a little bit of tech. I’d guess they’re still holding on to it now if the Gov hasn’t gone that far. I bet they have, though.”
“And how many people you think live in our whole area, the former United States, I mean. There must be a lot, right?”
“That’s a good question,” Theo said after giving it some thought. “No way to know how to guess, everyone being so spread out and isolated as they are now.” We were approaching the barhouse, and our conversation drifted off as we went inside the building, smoke streaming upwards to the drizzling grey sky.
The inside of the building was smoky, even more so than the first time I’d been there. It wasn’t very crowded, though, and the few settlers that sat around were murmuring quietly to each another, smoking and drinking as usual. We’d gotten to know a lot of the people in town in the past months, and we greeted everyone as we came in. We sat down at the bar and I smiled at the frayed face of the barman Wesley who’d first given me directions when I’d arrived.
“Ey, I remember you,” he said. “Glad to see you found yer friend here,” and he shook mine Theo’s hands in turn. “What was yer name again lad?” He asked me.
“Sam.”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s right, young Sam. How’s the ‘stead?”
“It’s getting there,” I said. “Though I don’t know how the winter is gonna be.”
“Those first winters can be hard, especially with the latest Gov impositions.”
“What impositions?” Theo asked.
“Haven’t heard?” Wesley said, surprised. “Govs came by lately demanding more taxes this year. Officials been going from ‘stead to ‘stead collecting from people the last few weeks. Could be that they missed you, yer ‘stead being far out and small’s it is.”
“I hope they missed us,” Theo said. “We don’t have barely enough for ourselves at the moment.”
“I hear you. I’m giving them more than I can spare myself. Most the people here trade with me, or I know ‘em well enough that we return each other’s favors, so most what I make is just in goods direct. Still, the Gov comes and takes what little money I’ve got, plus takes from my store to boot.”
“You ever think about hiding what you have?” I asked him, but he shook his head.
“No sir, not my way. Besides, last time a settler tried that I saw him hanged out in the trees.”
“Hanged?” I asked, startled. “The Gov would do that over tax evasion?” I couldn’t believe that such violence could be done for something so minor, despite the things I’d seen the UCG do. Theo and Wesley both raised their eyebrows at me.
“Afraid I’ve seen it all too many times,” Wesley said. “It’s lucky for those like you, who weren’t around for those early days, when the UCG first started putting all the settlements together.” I felt shame to admit that I’d never really thought about how the Gov had come to power, always assuming they were just a natural replacement to the void. But it hadn’t been a void, I realized. These settlements had a kind of structure, and many of them did just fine without the UCG above them.
“What was it like?” I asked.
“I can’t tell you all the story, having only been to see it from my own point of view, but what I remember wasn’t so friendly as they might try and make it seem when they talk about it now. Back then the UCG wasn’t much more than a town council of the settlements that became Columbia. They’d convinced everyone the need for central authority, but you can imagine there were a lot that didn’t feel the same, hell, still are.”
“So what’d they do?”
“That’s what you were saying earlier, right Theo? But they stopped at some point, didn’t they? Obviously they’re not expanding anymore.”
“What makes that obvious?” Wesley asked me, and I realized I’d again assumed since I never heard or saw anything about it. “You’re right that they’re not doing it as much as they were back then, at least, though a lot of people think that’s mostly just for now, that the Gov just needs more resources before they can keep up their growth. There’s still a lot of resentment in places like ours, too, which were some of the first place to be centralized.”
“Ey Sam and Theo!” I heard suddenly from behind us, and I turned to see Sheldon Mathers, the son of one of the settlers me and Theo spent some time working for. He came over and shook both of our hands. “Get these two some drinks on me, Wesley,” Sheldon said, and Wesley poured them. I sipped the bitter homebrew that was put before me, offering my thanks.
“It’s nothing!” he said. “Who don’t you two join us by the fire, I can introduce you to some friends.” We agreed and got up to move.
“Good talking with you Wesley,” I said, and the man gave a small salute, his massive beard twitching as he did so. We went and sat down with Sheldon and his friends, a group of three young men, dirty from farm work, all well and drunk and beaming at us.
“Right, lads, this is Tommy, Joe, and Mike. Boys, this is Sam and this is Theo.” We all shook hands and sat down, the fireplace beside us eating away at the well-cut logs.
“You two new to the settlement?” Tommy asked us.
“Somewhat,” Theo told him. “Been here since just around spring, Sam a little less.”
“Ah that’s new, that’s new. Ey you want to smoke on this?” Lonny asked and pulled a green plant from his pockets and began to load it in his pipe.
“What is it?” I asked.
“You’ve never seen it? Well, you just go ahead and try it first then!” Tommy said, passing me the pipe and lighting a match in the fire to hold for me. I took a couple of puffs on it and began coughing harder than I though I ever had. Everybody laughed, and I felt a pressure build behind my eyes, and a mixture of lightness and heaviness inside my body. I passed the pipe on and the others puffed with no discernable effect; even Theo seemed to know what he was doing.
“In celebration of our getting once more truly fucked by the dishonorable UCG!” Joe, or maybe it was Mike, declared, and everyone looked grim despite his cheerful way of saying it.
Try as I might I couldn’t pay attention to the conversation, and I lapsed into staring at the up and down ecstatic motions of the fire. All I could think was how pretty and enticing those flames were; how friendly they seemed if you just forget about their burning.
Eventually I came to, right about when our company was getting up to leave. I shook hands with everyone. With the exception of Sheldon, I’d forgotten whose name belonged to who. They said it was nice to meet us and I said the same. Me and Theo stayed for a while, having some lunch from Wesley before heading back, both of us agreeing that days of relaxation were worthwhile but not half of what they were made up to be in your mind after a long day’s work.
***
As winter broke on Linhof, me and Theo struggled to get everything ready. We spent our days pickling vegetables and expanding the cellar. The chickens had a run in with a coyote that took two of our six, and we had to rebuild and fortify their shelter.
The snow started before too long, coming down in blankets that lay soft over the top of the land. The settlers huddled indoors around stoves and fireplaces, or crowded into the barhouse. All anyone did was sit around to talk over steaming cups and meals. Mostly all anyone spoke about was the Gov. A lot of people had been forced to give up more of their crops than they could afford to, and now they had to ration food within their families. It was lucky me and Theo hadn’t been spotted by the Gov troops, having barely enough to feed ourselves without losing any to taxation. Our hens had been laying less and we were getting worried by how little we’d successfully managed to store.
Despite the freezing weather, I kept meeting with Tahm out in the woods each day, whenever I had enough time free. As long as I went to the meeting spot, he would be there. I’d gotten better at holding myself board-rigid, and had gotten to the point where I could keep a saucer filled up with water on my head indefinitely, all without losing a single drop. Once Tahm was satisfied that I’d mastered being still, he showed me how to breath so that my body warmed, and I practiced shirtless in the cold.
“Slow, deep breaths,” he said, showing me the method. “Keep your mind focused on raising the inner heat.” Weeks went by of this kind of practice, and each day I became more comfortable until I could sit nearly naked in the falling snow without a single shiver.
I felt I was changing the more time I spent with Tahm. My thoughts had become more vivid to me, and I spent much time just watching them unfurl, amazed by how complex they could become, as if each had a will their own. They seemed more distant to me than they had before, too, and it seemed sometimes like I was watching them on a stage before me, sitting in a place they couldn’t touch. The place felt still, and sometimes I’d be able to sink into it, and everything around me would disappear. When I told Tahm about it he said it was a sign of progress.
“Seems you’ve advanced all on your own!” he said, and from then on my time with him was spent learning to block out all my thinking, and to try and stay within that place where things were still. I found that I could only do this willingly for a few moments at a time, and even when I felt I’d gone much longer, closer observation showed I’d only drifted into some immersive type of thinking. This went on for hours everyday. When I wasn’t in the woods with Tahm or at the barhouse, I practiced what I’d learned, and inch-by-inch I started gaining ground against the tirade of my thoughts.
Despite being as busy as I was, I still thought constantly about my family, and worried for them. I heard rumors among the settlers that things were changing faster with the Gov. There was talk of people disappearing, of mines being run in the north. People were afraid they might start being taken, to the point where they would leave the barhouse wishing everyone their last goodbye in half-joking laughs.
“For tomorrow I’ll be wrung by Gov hands!” they’d say, tripping out the door. I didn’t know what to make of the rumors, but it had been nearly half a year since I’d left Columbia, and I thought I should go back to see them, since there wasn’t much to do around the ‘stead anyway.
I told Tahm about it once I’d made up my mind to go. I wasn’t sure if he’d approve, but I felt I needed to make the journey either way. My worrying had gotten worse the more the rumors spread and thickened, weaving anxious webs throughout my mind. I struggled to focus in my practice, and I felt the need to act.
“Tahm,” I said, speaking to him at our meeting the next day. “I’ve decided to go see my family in Columbia. I need to go make sure they’re safe.”
“Time hasn’t come,” he said, after a moment of tense silence. “If you go, you go too early, no telling what might come of it.”
“Even so, I don’t think I can stand not to. Why should it matter anyway? I’ll keep practicing while I’m there. Hell, why don’t you just come with me?”
“I cannot go there,” he said. “As for why it matters, I don’t know myself except that it will change the course of things, and the outcomes may be darker than you know. I won’t stop you if you’re determined to go, but know there may be consequences.”
“What consequences? Can’t you be straightforward for once?” Tahm only looked on with a frown, and I gave up trying to get a clear answer from him. “Fine,” I sai
d, “you don’t have to tell me, but I’m going; that’s how it is.”
“Very well,” he said. “Just make sure you take the cane.”
“I don’t suppose you’ll give me any reason why,” I sighed.
“The way is too large for you or I to know, Sam. We’re both being led, whether or not you believe it.”
“Right. I still have to go.” Tahm nodded sadly at me, and again reminded me to take Grandpa’s cane. I said I would, and returned to the hut with a feeling of frustration.
When I went inside Theo was sitting at the table with Tammy, a local girl he’d been seeing. They’d been spending a lot of time together lately, and I’d felt a little bothered by it, though I knew I shouldn’t, since it made me feel like an intruder in my own living space. They smiled at me, and their giddy comfort with each other only added to my annoyance.
“Hey Sam. What’s the matter?” Theo asked as I walked by them, grunting an acknowledgement.
“Nothing,” I said. “Just been doing some thinking.”
“Oh yeah, ‘bout what?” Theo asked, getting up to stand by the doorway of my room where I started throwing clothes and supplies onto my bed.
“I’m going to go to Columbia for a few days. I’m worried something is happening there and I want to make sure my family’s safe.” Theo nodded, though I could tell something was bothering him.
“When are you leaving?” he asked.
“Tomorrow, early as I can. What?” I asked, looking at his expression.
“It’s just…” he said. “It’s just I’ve heard a lot of things lately, Sam. There’ve been people coming round the settlements, here included, talking about a resistant to the Gov. Things might be dangerous.”
“All the more reason for me to go. If things are as bad as people have been saying, then I’m getting my family out. I know we don’t have the means of space for them here, but I can’t leave them there if that’s how it is.”