Light Bearing

by Ben Woollard

  “I know. Do what you have to. We’ll manage. We’ve got a lot of friends around here, y’know,” he said, smiling at Tammy. I started stuffing my things into a canvas pack.

  I left first thing the next morning. Theo got up to see me off, and he stood at the doorway as I walked away along the snowbanked path. The air was cold and cutting, and as I walked I slowed my breath and focuses so as to warm myself. As I walked I thought I saw Tahm looking at me from the trees at the edge of the far field. I took out Grandpa’s cane and held it up in his direction to show him I had it, then jaunted on along the road, cane flicking frozen pebbles from the ground as I went along.

  Chapter 9

  I woke up cold and shivering where I’d strung my canvas between two trees and lay out on the earth, having dug away some of the snow clinging to the surface of it. I ate a small breakfast and continued along the path towards Columbia. Before long the city loomed before me, the outskirts looking as ruinous as ever. I wondered how many times I would come back to this decayed sight. Looking into the city I could feel something lurking there, and the vision of the wings above the buildings flitted in and out of my imagination. I walked in with a sense of foreboding, and before I got to the end of the outskirts I was surprised to see a wall had been constructed around the main roads leading out, with Gov troops standing by, many with weapons in hand. I came up to the gate, and before I got close to it a guard, standing on a watchtower next to it pointed a rifle and yelled at me to stop. I did as he said, thinking that things in Columbia must’ve gotten worse if this was how the Gov was acting.

  “What’s your business in the city?” another guard, approaching me from the gate, asked me in accusatory tones.

  “I’m here to see my family,” I told him. He looked at me suspiciously, and I saw his eyes linger on the pack I was carrying.

  “What’s that?”

  “Just supplies for the journey,” I said, and he made me open the pack so he could look through it. He paused and squinted close at Grandpa’s cane, and after a minute or so of looking through my things he handed the pack back to me.

  “Alright, let him through,” he shouted to the other guards, and the doors were swung open to let me pass. I felt unease at the incident, and wondered what cause the Gov had for security at that level when they hadn’t even gone so far to keep out the Singulars. As I walked through the streets, snow half-melting to be frozen in the dirt and uneven bricks and pavement once night came, I had the sensation that the city was quieter than I remembered. Everywhere I looked I saw closed shutters and curtains strung tight over windows. I figured maybe it was just the cold weather, that might explain the emptiness of the streets at least, though I didn’t think that was ever the case when I was growing up. I walked along until I came to my old street, and went and knocked on my small home’s door. I waited for a few minutes before it opened, and I saw Momma peeking through the crack to see who it was.

  “Sam!” she yelled when she recognized me, and pulled the door open all the way to hug me. “What’re you doing here?” she asked. “Come in, come in, get out of the cold.” I went into the small apartment, while Momma glanced to either side of the street before shutting the door. There was a fire burning in the stove that made the space warmer than outside, though not by much, and Momma was bundled in layers of old clothes.

  “Where’s Grandpa and Shiloh?” I asked her.

  “Grandpa went down the Café for a while, your brother’s out scavenging as usual.”

  “No work today?” I asked her.

  “No, I haven’t been feeling too good and I managed to take my day off a bit early. They should both be back soon though. You want some tea?” I said I did and sat my things down by the door. I was tired from my journey and felt relieved to have indoor air around me again. Momma put the tea on and I sat at the table feeling like everything had changed in the short time I’d been gone. The room felt smaller, like what used to be a comforting atmosphere had turned oppressive.

  “Is everything alright around here, Momma?” I asked. “I saw there’s gates to get in to Columbia now.” She looked at me and gave what I thought was a weak attempt at a reassuring smile, but which only added to my worrying.

  “Everything’s going fine, just the typical Gov paranoia, you know how it is. How’re things going out in the settlement?”

  “They’re going. We’ve had some trouble getting enough stored up for winter, but I think we’ll manage. You’ll love it out there, Momma. It’s quiet; there’s a whole different kind of sound outside the city. Me and Theo been working on expanding the house he’d built, though to be honest it’s more of a hut right now, but we’re hoping we can make it bigger.”

  “It sounds wonderful,” Momma said, but distantly.

  “Are you sure your okay?”

  “Everything’s fine. It’s just... well, things here have been getting a lot worse. The Gov’s been worrying people lately. I don’t mean to seem preoccupied. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” I said. “Worse how?”

  “Paranoid. You saw how the Gov is when you came in. The barricades are part of it. They won’t let people leave, Sam. Or if they do it’s only people who are going out to forage, and then they take half what they bring back as tax. People’ve been forced to sneak around them, and some’ve been shot because of it.”

  “Shot? You mean killed?” Momma nodded, looking sad down at the floor. “What about Shiloh?” I asked. “Does that mean he’s been sneaking around too?” Again Momma nodded, and this time there was no hiding the worry on her face.

  “I’ve tried to tell him to stop, that I’ll work extra to cover the losses. I took extra hours at the factory.”

  “Extra hours? Momma you already work ninety-hour weeks! When was the last time you had a day off?”

  “I haven’t,” she said, “not ‘til today because I’ve been feeling so bad.” Looking at her I could tell she was exhausted, and she looked as if she’d aged years since I’d seen her last. Her eyes were more sunken, her stare seemed further out, like she was seeing things less clearly. “I know Shiloh’s doing it still anyway. He says he isn’t but I know he does. I can’t stand the idea they’ll catch him.” I didn’t know what to say, things were worse than I could’ve imagined. This is it, I thought, this is the start of what I saw.

  “Look, Momma, part of the reason I came back is because of all this,” I said after a minute, motioning around me. “News about the Gov isn’t good out in the settlements either, there’s people talking about putting up a fight. I never thought it would be this bad in the city, but now I do I’m sure: you, Grandpa and Shiloh should leave.”

  “Leave? But where would we go? You just said yourself that you barely have enough room for you and Theo.”

  “It doesn’t matter Momma, we’ll figure something out. Me and Theo’ve made a lot of friends in Linhof, we can ask them to help us, or we’ll expand the house or I’ll sleep outside. You just can’t stay here. You can’t.”

  “I won’t be a burden on my so-”

  “Momma! You’d never be a burden!” I said, exasperated by her stubbornness. She was quiet for a while, thinking. We sat there, neither of us saying anything, the only sound the wind that had begun to blow upon the windowpane and the fire burning subtle in the stove.

  “You should take Shiloh,” she said at last. “Me and your Grandpa’ll be too much, but Shiloh should go, and we’ll join you when things are ready for us.”

  “Momma, I can’t just leave you here.”

  “Yes you can,” she said. “We’ll be fine, nobody’s gonna bother us of all people.”

  “I don’t know, Momma,” I said, but I could see I wasn’t going to get anywhere arguing anymore with her right then, so I let it drop, hoping I could convince her over the next couple of days. The tea was ready and we sipped it, the hot pine warming up the inside of my body. We were still sitting there, staring into the steaming strands rising from our cups when Grandpa came in. We hugged and he complained fo
r a while about the new restrictions at the café. I asked him how things had been around the city for him.

  “You saw the barriers I’m sure!” he said, a flash of anger on him. “The fucking UCG just thinks they can do whatever they want now, harassing peop-”

  “Shhh!” Momma exclaimed, putting her arm out to stop his ranting. “Be careful! Somebody might hear you.”

  “Damned if they do hear me!” he said even louder. “You see? Everybody forced to live in fear behind guarded walls! If I was younger I’d do something about this insanity!” Grandpa’s arm waved as he shouted, and he looked ready to pound on the table in fury.

  “Please, Dad! Be quiet!” Momma said, now with anger as well as concern. Grandpa settled, his face glowing red. The mood was grim, and I asked Grandpa how things had been otherwise. He told me Tolka’d died, and the café only ever played propaganda now; most of his friends had stopped going as a result, replaced by diehard Gov supporters and employees. The news struck me dully, and though I was sad that Tolka had died, I merely added it on to the list of horrors that had apparently enveloped my home while I’d been gone.

  I went and took a nap on my old bed, and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting around and talking to Momma and Grandpa. It felt good to be back with them in spite of everything that had gone wrong around us. I went and found the radio from where it was under Shiloh’s bed, and cranked it to sound the melodies of some classical piece I hadn’t heard before. It went in and out of keys and textures, misleading one way than returning back to a dreamy theme. Listening to it, I felt lulled from the things in front me, as if I were floating out and away from everything, only to come right back and begin worrying all over again. Sitting there, I hoped that Shiloh would be back safe, and I understood why Momma was so worried. There was nothing to do but lounge and hope he came back soon, or at all. I knew Shiloh would be smart, though; if anyone could sneak through those barricades it was him.

  Dusk began to bleed its way through the windows, the air got still and greyness fell about the room, no light except for the little fire Momma kept going in the stove. When it was really beginning to get dark, the door opened and Shiloh walked in, pale and tired but holding a good bundle of Gov notes to signify his foraging’s success. He saw me and froze, at first not seeming to recognize me. At last he registered who it was and grinned.

  “I’ll be damned, didn’t expect to see you ‘til after winter Sam!”

  “Thought I’d come see you guys while the snow kept me useless on the ‘stead,” I said, overjoyed to see my brother living. Momma stood up and came over to us.

  “Did everything go okay?” she asked Shiloh.

  “Yup,” he said. “Not a worry at all, that barricade is really just for show. You probably saw it, didn’t you Sam? Unbelievable, isn’t it?” I said I thought it was, and we all sat down, at ease for the first time that day. We all sat talking, the radio still playing old scores in the background, setting the scene of the place, and for a while it felt like things used to, before all the chaos had come crashing into our lives. For a moment I could almost forget everything that had happened, and the feeling of what was going to happen, and just be with them like we always used to. Looking back I still swell with gratitude that such a last night was given to us to be together like that. I went to sleep hopeful that we could all manage everything that was coming. I was sure I’d get them out of the city and we’d make it at the ‘stead.

  My last thought before I fell asleep was of Tahm, and I wondered why he’d told me I shouldn’t come. Whatever plan he was preparing me to be a part of, seemed to me it was getting time to act, and I was determined once I’d gotten my family somewhere safe I’d tell him what I’d seen.

  ***

  I woke up and couldn’t remember where I was. Everything seemed foreign to me, and the room spun, making me grip the sides of my bed to keep from falling off the whirling furniture. When it stopped I felt like I fell onto the bed from above, and I sighed, remembering where I was and letting the nostalgia of my old room fill me. It, too, seemed different then when I’d left. The few things I had were gone, and Shiloh’s side looked more alive, while mine seemed to be dead and empty.

  Momma was already gone to work when I came out into the kitchen where Grandpa was sitting, his eyes out of focus staring at the table in front of him. I said good morning while I went to toast bread on the stove, which had a newly built fire burning in its mouth. Outside the weather was grey, but there was no falling snow, and everything was hung with a stillness that made me want to sit quiet and let the silence overtake me.

  “Do you still have the cane?” Grandpa asked me. I nodded, and went and got it out from my bag, handing it to Grandpa to hold. He ran his hands over its carved surface.

  “That cane’s been a huge help to me,” I said.

  “Ah, I hoped it would be. It attracts good things. Keep holding on to it, would be a shame to lose it.” He handed the cane back to me and I went back into my room to return the cane to my bag. Shiloh was getting out of bed and asked me if I wanted to do some scavenging in a bit. I said I did, but I was worried about the barricades.

  “The barricades aren’t anything to stress about,” he said. “They haven’t built much of the city walls so they only cover the roads, all you have to do to avoid them is go out through the sides. Still, we should probably wait until later so we can come back in under dark, just to be safe.” I agreed to go with him, and we both walked into the kitchen to have breakfast. I ate and looked out the window at the street that lay outside. Even after only the couple days since I’d been away, I found myself missing the simplicity of the ‘stead, the longer views out onto the woods. It didn’t feel right to me, putting up all these stone walls around everything, though I supposed some people must prefer it that way, and I’d admit it had its definite advantages.

  “Listen, you two,” I said. “Clearly things haven’t been going well in Columbia. I can see it, and I know that you can too. I think you should all come back with me to Linhof, get away from all this.” They both looked at me expressionless for a moment.

  “I agree,” said Shiloh. “But are things ready for us? Is there room and enough food?”

  “Not exactly, but I’m sure we can make it work, and the important thing right now is to get away from Columbia. Look, if this is only the beginning, and it sure seems like that’s what it is, then we should get everyone out of here while we still have the chance.” Grandpa was nodding slowly as I said this.

  “Have you talked to your mother about this?” he asked me.

  “Yeah, but, well, she thinks only me and Shiloh should go, so I need your help convincing her otherwise.”

  “I think she’s right,” Grandpa said.

  “But Grandpa!” I tried protesting, but he waved me off with his hand, a piece of bread still held in it.

  “We’d only be a burden to you. Besides, I’d rather risk staying here than go on a freezing walk to a cramped home with no food. I’m old, Sam, might not have much time left. I used to think I had adventures still ahead of me, but I don’t play that game anymore. I know my place, and it’s here, at least until your definitely ready to take me in at your ‘stead. I know your mother feels the same. It’s you two who should go, and we’ll wait here.” I looked at Shiloh, who was gloomily crunching at his bread.

  “But we can’t just leave you here!”

  “Yet that’s exactly what you have to do.”

  “Come on, Grandpa, you know things here are bad,” Shiloh spoke up. “Maybe it’s more stable here for the time being, but how long do you think that’s gonna last?”

  “Long enough,” he said, and despair washed over me. I didn’t see how I could convince him, and as long as Grandpa held out, Momma was sure to insist the she stay, too. We tried to argue with him, but he wouldn’t budge, and we spent the remainder of the morning sitting in tense silence. When afternoon rolled around me and Shiloh said we were going to walk through the city, and maybe go do some scavengin
g, strictly legal of course, or so we assured Grandpa.

  We actually did walk around the city some, and Shiloh showed me all the things that had changed. The Gov had been busy in the last month and a half and many of the plazas were updated, I saw murals and posters everywhere depicted General Director Shilk in heroic imagery. The park had a fountain, and everywhere I looked I saw Gov troops.

  “Is it me or are there a lot more of them?” I asked. Shiloh looked grim at my question, and nodded.

  “It’s not just you. Things are a lot worse than Momma and Grandpa are willing to admit, Sam. I’ll tell you about it when we get out of town a ways; it’s not always safe to be overheard.” We walked along the main road until we neared the edge of the city, then ducked down a back alley. I followed Shiloh to where the buildings stopped and the outskirts could be seen, great heaps of rubble that I’d spent my youth digging through, just on the other end of a short gap that separated it from the buildings. Shiloh told me sometimes there were patrols, and we stopped to wait and see if anyone was coming. When we were sure it was clear, we dashed across the space and ran out until we were a safe distance from the city, and took out the burlap sacks we had brought with us to gather anything we found.

  “How’s it feel to be back?” Shiloh asked, and I laughed.

  “You’re joking right?” Shiloh grinned, and began sifting through a pile of stones, finding a few small pieces of aluminum, but nothing else.

  “So what were you gonna say?” I asked him.

  “Huh?”

  “About things being worse here than Momma or Grandpa will admit.”

  “Oh. Right,” he sighed, and looked around suspiciously despite our being alone. “There’s been rumors, nothing I’ve been able to confirm for sure, but I’ve heard it enough that it’s hard to have too many doubts.”

  “What kind of rumors?”

  “People disappearing, forced labor to the north. People are saying the Gov is kidnapping people to work mines in order to get resources to build weapons. Some people think they’re planning some kind of mass expansion. They’ve started a curfew, so you can’t be out past a certain time. I’ve heard that’s when they come to take people, that or just take them right out of the recruitment offices where they go looking for a paying job.”