No amount of punches made the frustration go away. As my arms fatigued and didn't go where I wanted, I let out aggravated grunts and groans with each weakening hit.
For the first time in my life, I couldn't find a solution. I built my life and my wealth by finding answers that other people couldn't find. But when it came to Pepper, I hit a wall that no amount of punching would make crumble.
At first, I thought I hurt her or went too far with the sex. But she begged for every bit of it and more. I could have been even rougher and pushed my own limits and she probably would have eaten it up.
My inner armchair psychologist guessed that she wanted to be punished and violated because, in her eyes, she did the one thing she never wanted to do-- become her mother.
And that was only the tip of the iceberg. I couldn't imagine the hurt, abandonment, and betrayal of your mother running off without a second thought, and how the resentment just compounded and built up after ten years.
Then to end up at the same event with California's upper class, dressed to the nines and in the company of rich, powerful men. It must have been too much for Pepper.
Fuck.
Money was supposed to make my life easier. I had plenty of it and it solved so many other problems in my life. But it was the one I knew she didn't want. If I had to guess, that was a big reason why she told me to leave. She didn't see me anymore. Just my bank account and it reminded her of everything she resented.
I'd give it all up now just to know she wanted me again. Hell, I'd stay at her place, loose floorboards and all without a second thought. We could run the farm together and live happily ever fucking after.
The punching bag swung back at me and this time I didn't have any strength left to hit it.
I slumped my torso against it instead, my body barely able to stand but my mind still raced at a mile a minute. Always looking for a solution, for a way to come out on top and get what I wanted.
Pepper's smile. Her laughter and tenacity. The way she felt wrapped around me and the hot sounds she made in my ear.
I could always find a way before. Now that it actually mattered, not finding a solution was not an option.
I stumbled into the showers, my body finally accepting defeat. I had a board meeting in a half-hour, which thankfully didn't require much brain power. My mind was too focused on other things.
I showered, dried off and got dressed in a fresh suit all on autopilot before hitting the elevator to take me up to my conference room on the top floor.
The gym was on the basement floor so it was a long, quiet ascent in my cage of glass and metal. I looked out at the San Francisco landscape as I rose steadily above the horizon.
I used to take pride in having this view. I earned it. No one got me here but me. But it didn't mean anything to me anymore. The rolling fog, which I once found beautiful and atmospheric, made everything look gray, flat and dull. The buildings and streets were lifeless and repetitive, not like the rolling green hills surrounding Cloverville and the apple orchards bursting with life.
My heart longed to wake up to hear the coffee machine brewing in Pepper's hallway bathroom, that is until I fixed the outlets in her kitchen. To feel Bonny's cold, wet nose nuzzling me before she licked my face.
When did my life become an arm's race? To acquire more property, more wealth? To have my own building in the financial district with a 360-degree view of the bay, where I held weekly meetings on where to put money where it would turn into more money.
When did I lose sight of the simple things?
That didn't matter, really. Pepper made me appreciate those things again, and that was what really mattered.
The elevator chimed softly when it reached the top and I turned around to the opening doors, readying myself to sit through a steaming pile of meaninglessness for the next two hours.
I was early as usual, evident by my shoes gently echoing across the dark marble tiles as the only sound on this floor. When I pulled the doors open to the conference room, I expected to be met with more silence.
When I saw Alfred Huxley's round, squat form next to his tall, willowy wife, I kept my expression neutral despite my surprise.
"Alfred. Mrs. Huxley," I greeted them nonchalantly, despite my insides roiling.
Fuck. I should have known he'd be here. He would make this personal. But I was too busy caring about Pepper when the woman standing across the room should have been doing the same.
"I thought we could have a word before the board meeting, Sells," Hux said in his best attempt to be imposing.
"Of course," I answered lightly, helping myself to espresso from the machine. "What can I do for you?"
"You owe my wife an apology."
I nearly spit out my drink.
"Excuse me?"
"The scene at the anniversary party caused her great distress," he continued, puffing himself up with his own foolish sense of self-importance.
Even my fast-spinning brain could not make sense of his mental gymnastics. I glanced over at his wife, who met my eyes expectantly. Now in normal daylight, she looked shockingly like her daughter.
Her daytime makeup was more subdued and natural, bringing out the dark eyes and full lips that she shared with Pepper. She was thinner though and clearly not as strong as her daughter despite all the heavy jewelry she wore.
"Ma'am, did you happen to fill in old Hux here on what caused your daughter to react the way she did?" I asked.
"She told me," Hux insisted, growing redder and sweatier by the minute. "Janice regrets how things ended with her ex-husband and child but that does not excuse the inappropriateness of the situation!"
"I'm sorry, I thought this was 2017," I snapped. "Do you always speak for your wife when a question is asked directly to her?"
Hux looked so stunned, I thought his eyes would bulge right out of his head.
"I do have something to say," Janice piped up before he could recover.
We both looked at her as if equally surprised to hear her speak.
"Mr. Sells, I realize I'm not a member of your board," she began. "But I do want to urge you to continue building the Cloverville development on the original plot, next to my ex-husband's farm."
She took a deep breath while I blinked and tried to make sense of the ludicrous statement she was making.
"I will continue to pay off the mayor as I have before," she continued. "And once I get his full, written consent, I would encourage you to level the entire farm and build over it completely."
I was completely stunned into silence. You could hear a pin drop in the room. Before she began speaking, an apology was not completely out of the question on my end. But now she blew that opportunity out of the atmosphere.
"First of all, you're completely out of line in trying to steer the direction of this project," I began, barely able to keep my voice calm and level. "And second of all, how dare you? That farm means everything to your daughter! It's all Pepper has left of her family. She cherishes the damn place and puts her whole heart and soul into running it."
"Precisely why it has to go," Janice said in a clipped tone. "It's bad for her. It's not fair. She needs to be her person, to see the world, to get an education, find love."
Her slender left hand with her massive diamond wedding ring slipped into Hux's pudgy hand to emphasize her point.
"I may not have been the best mother, but I don't want my only daughter working herself into an early grave. My ex-husband was selfish to burden her with the farm's responsibilities at such a young age. It's all she knows because she never had a choice."
She locked her jaw and looked at me squarely, just like Pepper often did.
"I was wrong to not be there for her as she grew up and I'll regret that for the rest of my life. But I still want Pepper to have a choice in how her life turns out. That was why I left my ex-husband. He made his choice for her before she was born. That was utterly selfish and not his choice to make."
I was still stunned into silence, but th
is time in awe. In many ways, Pepper's mother and I wanted the same things for her. Never in a million years would I have assumed that.
"So it was really you on the board, speaking through your husband," I finally said quietly. "Urging us to pick this development site, making deals with the mayor, and wanting us to--" I looked over at Hux. "--pay off the fucking farmer and flatten his fucking corn field, as you put it?"
"Let's just say Janice and I are in complete agreement in this matter," he beamed with an adoring look at his wife. "It's certainly wonderful to find someone who you have everything in common with."
"Well, regardless," I said tersely. "The board has already voted. The development site is being moved."
"Re-open the item on the agenda," he said, shooting a narrow-eyed glare at me. "Convince the others to vote the other way. You're persuasive Sells, you can get it done."
"And why would I do that?" I demanded, still incredulous at their demands. "Sure, Pepper deserves a choice but what if she wants to keep the farm? Your proposition will just force her in the other direction. How is that any different than what her father did? I'm sure he wasn't a saint, but from what she tells me, he had her best interests at heart."
"Since I had no children of my own," Hux said, returning an adoring gaze to Janice. "Pepper is legally my step-daughter. We've arranged for her to inherit our portion of the Cloverville investment dividends, plus the rest of my fortune when we both pass on."
"That just goes to show you don't know her at all," I replied, looking directly at Janice. “She has zero desire for large sums of money.”
"It won't make up for my mistakes but I will provide for my daughter," Janice snapped. "But if you don't stick to the original plan, we will pull our money out. Your company will not have our financial or social support in this project nor any future projects."
I shoved my hands in my pockets and couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped my throat. It turned into an all-out belly laugh as they both looked on with puzzled expressions.
Oh Huxley. You really are a short-sighted fool.
"Fine with me," I said when I composed myself and nodded my head toward the door. "See yourselves out."
"What?"
Hux's jowls shook as his mouth dropped open. He never thought in a million years that I would call his bluff.
"Maybe you've forgotten who I am, Hux," I said as smoothly as the sweetest poison. "But I don't need your money. I never fucking have."
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
PEPPER
I stabbed my shovel into the ground and wiped the sweat from my brow.
The back of my neck felt like it was on fire. I wrapped my bandanna around my neck in an attempt to block the sun beating down on me.
With a final drink of water and shaking the emptying bottle over my head and neck, I grabbed the shovel handle and got back to work.
I'd been working nonstop for three straight days, pausing only to eat, hydrate and collapse into bed before doing it all again.
If I stopped moving, stopped doing anything, I'd start thinking of him. And my heart wouldn't be able to handle that he was gone.
"Idle hands may do the devil's work, but an idle mind will send you straight to Hell."
Dad always said something like that. I figured it was his way of saying keeping your mind occupied was just as, if more important than keeping your body moving.
I never saw him work so hard and do so much as when after Mom left. He didn't allow himself a single moment for the heartbreak and loss to sink in and make him idle.
And here I was doing the exact same thing after driving Reagan away.
He stopped calling and leaving voicemails yesterday, which hurt more than I hoped it would.
The bruises on my ass and hips from our last time together were just starting to fade. I didn't want them to. I didn't want him to fade away from my life like he was never here.
My body craved him like an addiction. Every night my skin ached to feel the weight and heat of him on top of me. To have my breath stolen away by his kisses again and to feel him fill me up from the inside.
I didn't want to want him. But my heart couldn't let go either.
I had to remember he was bad for me. He led me astray from what I was meant to do. He led me directly to her.
Seeing her was like looking in a mirror into the future. It was staggering.
For years I convinced myself my mother and I would never set foot in the same hemisphere, let alone the same party. She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with getting her hands dirty, feeling the sun burn her to a crisp like I was right then.
Meeting Reagan and falling for him led me down the same path she walked in such small, incremental steps that I didn’t even realize it until I came face to face with her. He led me down so warmly and gently into a pool of water, I didn’t realize when the water came over my head until I started to drown.
You almost lost me like you lost her, Dad, I said silently. But you didn’t. I’m all this place has left and I’m going to care for it like my child until my dying days. I’ll never go astray again.
I moved on from shoveling compost to checking the rooted vegetables for harvest. The potato plant foliage had died back which meant they were ready to be picked.
My hands rooted through the dirt in search of those round, firm shapes. I watched as they disappeared under the dark, cool earth before surfacing again. When I glanced up at the sun began to set, I half-expected to see Dad kneeling there, working right alongside me.
We're part of this earth, Pepps. Just like the vegetables, the vines, and the trees. They nourish us and become part of us. Taking care of the earth is taking care of what really matters. Life. Sustenance. Health.
I refocused on the ground in front of me and didn't look up until the sun dipped low behind the hill and I could barely see my hands.
There's no better satisfaction than losing yourself in your work. Dad's sayings were coming to me left and right that day. I could practically feel him there and it made me miss him terribly.
I rose to my feet and rubbed my aching knees for a minute before trudging back toward the house with a full sack of potatoes in each hand. Bonny trotted right at my side, a wide doggy-smile on her face and her tongue lolling out.
A hot bath sounded fantastic after a day like today. Maybe I'd even treat myself to a colorful bath bomb and a weed cookie.
I'd been avoiding marijuana after the night of the party out of worry that it would amplify all my negative feelings. I didn't need my heartache and longing to turn into a deep depression, nor did I need my resentment toward my mother to become any deeper like a festering wound.
But today I was too tired to think about anything but a relaxing bath and peaceful sleep.
I didn't see her standing on my porch at first. Bonny stopped abruptly, her nose, back, and tail pointing stiffly in a straight line, and she let out a low warning growl.
The sight of her on my front porch almost made me drop my sacks of potatoes, but I tightened my grip on them instead. I found it unfortunate that I was still too far away to swing them and hit her.
She stood watching me like some kind of ominous figure. The early evening breeze made her stylish maxi dress and shawl swirl and flutter around her. Her hair did the same under her wide-brimmed sun hat, which shielded her eyes but I knew exactly what they looked like.
Mine. And I hated that.
I hated sharing any physical resemblance, let alone half of my DNA with this woman, but I could deal with it when I knew that we would never see each other again. Now that she had to reappear in my life like a bad dream, she wasn't a stranger to me anymore.
Even so, she was a stranger to this property. A trespasser. It no longer mattered that she gave birth to me in that house behind her. She didn't belong here.
I tried to stay calm as I approached her but my arms were tense and filled with coiled up rage with the heavy bags on each end. If only they would magically morph into a pair of guns, I'd feel a
lot better about approaching her.
She's not my mother, I told myself as I got close enough to make out smaller details like her diamond earrings and cross-body Givenchy purse. She's never been a mother to me. She's just a trespasser on my property that needs to leave.
Those thoughts gave me strength as I finally reached the bottom step of the porch and looked up at her expectantly.
"Hello Pepper," she said with a smile, her voice syrupy smooth and warm.
"Hello Janice," I said, pointedly addressing her by her first name.
Her mouth twitched ever so slightly at hearing her own name in my voice.
What did you expect me to say? 'Mommy, you're back and I missed you so much!'?
"Can I help you with something?" I asked as cordially as I could muster.
"I was hoping we could sit down and talk," she replied.
My eyes darted around suspiciously toward her Escalade parked just under the hop vines. A uniformed driver sat reclined in the driver's seat, texting on his phone.
"It's just me here," Janice said a bit eagerly. "I wanted to talk to you on my own."
"Fine," I said, gesturing toward the front door as I ascended the porch steps. "But I don't have a lot of time. I have an early day again tomorrow."
Janice's smile twitched disapprovingly again before she forced it back into place.
"Yes, of course. I won't keep you."
I set the potato bags down, my arms suddenly light and free as I led us through the front door and into the kitchen.
Janice spun around in a slow circle, gazing at every detail in her view.
"This place is just like how I remember it," she said dreamily and chuckled. "I always wanted to add little upgrades here and there but neither you nor your father really cared for change."
I said nothing but clenched my jaw as I took my place at the kitchen table. She had some serious audacity to come in here and reminisce about the good old days.
Bonny took her place at my side and turned her head away when Janice held her hand out to pet her.
"Beautiful dog," she beamed in an attempt to fill the awkward tension in the room. "Alfred and I have two Samoyeds. Aren't animals just the best?"
Cocked and Loaded: A Billionaire Romance (Small Town Bad Boys Book 4) Page 11