by Lacey Black
Shit, I need to redirect. I’m standing in my daughter’s bedroom while she’s having her diaper changed, lusting after the woman who gave birth to her. All with a growing erection that’s only getting bigger by the second. I turn away from both females in the room in an attempt to get my raging hard-on under control. I walk over to the crib first, and then to the dresser next. On top, I see a photograph of Carly in a hospital bed holding a dark, wrinkly newborn baby. Picking up the picture, I mentally try to see where I fit in. I’m not in this picture, but I damn well should be. The realization is both exhilarating and scary as fuck.
“That was about two hours after she was born,” Carly whispers just over my shoulder. I turn to see two pairs of sparkling eyes trained on me. I set the picture back down on the dresser before turning my attention to the little girl who appears to be wide-awake.
“Can I?” I reach my hands forward, offering to take the little girl from the crook of her arm. Her answer is to turn Natalia to fully face me. Taking my daughter in my hands, I follow behind as Carly walks out into the living room. Natalia coos and wiggles in my arms obviously very much awake at three a.m.
Carly pulls milk out of the fridge and fills up a plastic sippy cup. I walk around the living room, listening to my daughter chatter gibberish. When I turn back around, Carly is standing in the doorway, staring at me. I watch her eyes wander slowly down my chest, taking in the tattoo adorning my left pec. After her eyes devour my ink, they head south towards my boxer briefs. I sleep on the hot side, so as little clothes as possible is how I prefer it. In my haste to get to Natalia, I didn’t slip my t-shirt back on. When her eyes reach my crotch, I can see them dilate even through the poor lighting.
“You keep doing that and I’m going to have a big problem that can only be rectified one way,” I finally say as she drinks me in with those intoxicating eyes of hers. Her eyes slam back up to mine before dropping back down to my groin, which is rapidly hardening as we speak. Wide, stunned eyes slam back into mine before she turns and looks away all together. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to throw on clothes,” I say, not really sorry at all.
“It’s okay,” she chokes out, clearing her throat and keeping her eyes averted.
Natalia starts to wiggle, clearly wanting to get down. “Is this okay?” I ask as I set her down on the floor.
“Yes,” Carly says as she walks over to the baskets in the corner and starts to pull toys out. When a decent sized selection sits in the middle of the floor in front of our daughter, she turns on the television and finds a cartoon channel.
Natalia walks over, reminding me a little of a drunken sailor, and plops down in the middle of the mountain of toys. She instantly sticks the first thing in her mouth, hitting one of the other toys until it starts to sing. I watch in fascination as she begins to entertain herself. Heading over to grab my t-shirt off the chair, I quickly throw it over my head. Moments later, I’m sliding down on the floor next to where Natalia is playing. After several minutes, I turn towards Carly and ask, “How long will she be awake?”
She gives a small laugh before answering. “Oh, she could be up for the rest of the night, or it could be a half hour. You just never know with Nat. She likes to have what I call ‘crib parties,’ except these parties aren’t anything like I remember from my early twenties.”
I can’t help the hearty laugh that erupts from my gut. “Yeah, so far this is nothing like the parties I attended back in the day.” Carly smiles before settling down on the floor across from me to watch our daughter play.
“You can slip into my room and grab a few hours of sleep if you want,” she offers without looking up at me.
“I’m not going anywhere. If anything, you should head back there and grab a little more sleep. I can handle this. I think.” Her laugh is like spring rain washing over me. It’s light and refreshing and feels fucking amazing. I want to hear her laugh more, and I vow right here and now to make that happen.
“I’m up. I’ll never be able to go to sleep knowing she’s out here awake.”
I don’t question her. I’m sure it’s difficult for her to turn over her only child to the care of a stranger, even if that stranger is the child’s father. Still, she has done this on her own for over a year, and I’m sure it’s difficult to relinquish a little of her control. It’s an issue I won’t push her on. Yet.
Just before five o’clock, Natalia’s eyes begin to droop. Her movements have been getting slower and clumsier as exhaustion starts to set in. I watch for cues from Carly as I try to learn Natalia’s habits and signs. Suddenly, Natalia crawls up my lap and pulls herself against my chest. I help her in her efforts to climb my body until she’s snuggled in closely to where my heart beats wildly. She places her small thumb inside of her mouth and lets her eyelids fall closed. I gently stroke her short black hair, playing with the curls at the tips.
“I’m not sure where she gets the curl from,” Carly whispers as she watches the scene before her.
“From me,” I tell her, bringing me eyes up to hers. “I have curl to my hair. That’s why I keep it so short,” I add before looking back down at the baby sleeping soundly in my arms.
Silently, we both stand up, Natalia securely in my arms, as we make our way towards her room. Inside, I gently place the sleeping baby against the sheet, covering up her small body with the pink and purple blanket. I absently stroke her head as I watch her fall deep into slumber. Her little mouth makes sucking noises as she dreams, making me smile down on her. I realize that I could stand here and watch her sleep all night long, which makes me smile even more.
“Come on,” Carly whispers, placing her small hands on my shoulders. I stand up and turn to face her. The room suddenly feels warm as we gaze at each other, her hands now resting on my arms. She’s close enough to kiss if I would just take a small step forward. Fuck, do I want to kiss her right now. And not that light kiss from earlier. I want to throw her down on her bed and ravish her mouth with my own. I want to feel her skin against me and watch as she comes apart by my touch.
As if in a trance, we both walk out of the bedroom. I miss her touch and want those soft fingers against my arms once more. In the hallway, she turns and stares at me with so much written in those chocolate brown eyes. Desire. Lust. Need. It’s all right there waiting.
But do I take it?
I want to. God knows I want to fucking take it right now more than I want my next breath, but I shouldn’t. Baby steps. I have to crawl before I can walk, and as much as my mind and my body are telling me to take Carly right now, my heart is telling me to take it slow. Build a solid foundation before it has the chance to crumble down.
So with superhuman strength that I didn’t even know I possess, I lean forward and give her a light kiss on the corner of the mouth. “Good night, Carly.”
Her breathing hisses as my lips touch her skin. I slowly pull away before turning and walking towards the living room couch. I should get a fucking medal for this restraint. As I rip my shirt off and toss it onto the chair, I hear her sweet voice behind me. “Good night, Blake. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Damn right she will. I have no idea how I’m going to work out this major concern in the case and in my life, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that there’s no going back now. Blake Thomas, single FBI agent, no longer exists. Now, I’m Blake Crisp, single father who is lusting after his baby mama something fierce. This job has been my number one priority for two years. But right now? If it comes down to it, protecting my child and her mother is my main concern, my sole purpose.
I just hope that when it all blows up, we’re strong enough to come out on the other side unscathed.
* * *
The pounding on the door wakes me up from a beautiful dream. One where Carly and I were just about to engage in my favorite extracurricular naked activity. My morning wood is practically crawling from my underwear, begging to be released from its cloth prison. Grabbing my jeans up off the chair, I throw them on as I make my way to the
front door. Taking a quick glance through the peephole, I realize that I know the woman on the other side. Or at least I know of her.
I release the deadbolt and the lock on the doorknob and flip open the door. The woman’s eyes are so big they look painful as she takes in my shirtless chest and my open jeans. “Mornin’,” I say hoarsely, stepping back to allow her to enter. I give her my best charming smile knowing that it works wonders. I call it the Mother Killer. The woman before me smiles at me, her defenses melting around us.
Works. Like. A. Charm.
“You must be Carly’s sister,” I add, not easing up on the sugar I’m spewing.
“Aren’t you a charming fellow,” she says with a laugh. “I’m Georgia, Carly’s mother,” she adds as she places her hand in mine. I bring it up to my lips and place a gentle kiss on her slightly aging hand just to wrap it all up in a pretty bow.
“You’re much too young to be Carly’s mother,” I say with a wink.
“And you are far too old to be using those tired lines on me, young man,” she says through her laugh. “But I like it anyway. And who might you be?”
“I am Blake,” I start but am interrupted by the sound of Carly coming down the hall.
“Blake, do you want coffee?” she asks as she rounds the corner and stops dead in her tracks. She stares wide-eyed at her mother and me and at the hand I still haven’t released.
“Carly, I do believe you have some explaining to do,” Georgia says with a sweet smile.
Carly groans in response to her mom’s statement. “If I’m going to have this conversation with you while Blake is still here, then I’m going to need coffee. Lots and lots of coffee,” she adds while prepping the coffee pot.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, politely excusing myself to use the bathroom. The moment I realized Carly’s mom was at the door, my hard-on subsided considerably. That still didn’t mean that watching Carly step inside the kitchen wearing that cute as sin short and tank top PJ set with her hair all a mess from sleep, didn’t start to bring it back to life.
I slip into her shower without even asking. We share a kid so we can surely share a shower, right? Though, this isn’t exactly the way I’d prefer to share a shower with Carly. Fortunately, there’s a basic anti-bacterial bar of soap on the shelf, which keeps me from having to use her fancy floral body wash. Although, the idea of smelling Carly on my skin all damn day isn’t so bad either.
Not wanting to rummage through her drawers too much, I open the top one to see if I can spy an extra toothbrush. I hit the jackpot when I open the second drawer, spotting the new brush right there next to the tampons. Shutting the drawer quickly still doesn’t wipe out the image of those tampons staring back at me. I grew up with a brother, and my parents had their own bathroom. I’ve never lived with a woman before either, so I have zero experience with all these little things that make women…well, women.
Even though I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes, I feel ten times better. I’m going on very little sleep so the shower definitely helped wake me up. The only thing to help seal the deal is a large cup of coffee.
Stepping out into the hallway, I hear the ladies talking in the kitchen. Not wanting to interrupt them quite yet, I slip across the hall and peek in on the sleeping baby in the crib. My baby. The words still make my heart rate kick up, but they’re getting easier to say. Or at least, think. Natalia is spread out on her back with her arms up over her head. The blanket is tangled around her legs and her mouth is gaping open. I can’t help the grin that crosses my face when I realize she sleeps just like me.
I just stare down at her peaceful face. There’s so much I want to say to her. I’m sorry for not being a part of her life up until this point. It’s complicated as fuck, but I would have been here had I known. It doesn’t even faze me when my thoughts take me somewhere I never would have imagined they’d go. If I had known about Carly’s pregnancy, this entire situation would have been so very different.
I think about all the things I’ve missed in just over a year. Her first steps, her first birthday, her first words. What was her first word? Did she say Mama because it’s all she knew? Or did she say Dada because it’s easier to say?
“I promise not to miss anymore,” I whisper to the angel in front of me.
Slipping out of the room, I decide to check on the coffee and make sure Carly is okay. I don’t know her mother, but I’m sure this can’t be easy for her to say. When I reach the kitchen, they’re still deep in conversation.
“I don’t know yet, Mom. We haven’t gotten that far.” Carly’s words leave me slightly unsettled. Even though they’re true and we haven’t discussed anything about the future, I’m not walking away at this point. I’m in, fully vested. My heart is taken. Completely. Not only by the little girl sleeping in the crib, but maybe even a little by the woman standing in the kitchen.
I walk over to the coffeemaker, grabbing the empty cup that she left sitting in front of the pot. With a piping cup of Joe in my hand, I step over to the table and join Carly and her mom. They’d both stopped talking as soon as I stepped into the room. “Ask whatever you want,” I tell Georgia before sipping the black energy juice.
“Carly tells me that there are some things you won’t tell her,” Georgia says, observing my posture and my mannerisms. She’s doing the same thing I’ve been doing to her but without being as blunt.
“That’s right, Georgia. I can’t tell you certain aspects of my life right now. I promised Carly I would as soon as I could, and I stick by that. I make that promise to you as well. My intentions are honorable. I’m here because I found out that I have a child. I’ve missed more than a year of her life, and I don’t want to miss any more. Where that will leave Carly and me, well, that’s yet to be determined. But right now, my focus is on getting to know my baby girl. Getting to know Carly again, well, that’s an added bonus,” I say with the slight rise of the corner of my lip. I can see Carly’s blush without even looking at her. And with her olive complexion, that’s saying something.
“I like you, Blake. You take care of my granddaughter, and if something should happen to arise between you and my Carly, then that would be an added bonus, wouldn’t it?” she says with a huge smile.
“Indeed it would,” I confirm with a wink before sipping my coffee. Oh, Georgia is definitely on my side. Point for Blake.
“Listen, I need to get going to church. Since my daughter has company this morning, it appears that I will be attending solo,” she says with a wink that makes me laugh. Carly seems more embarrassed than ever, dropping her head and giving it a shake while her mom rinses out her coffee cup and places it in the dishwasher. “I’ll be here in the morning.”
“Thank you, Mom. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Carly says as she gets up to give her mom a hug. Georgia whispers something in her ear, making her nod up and down in response. Whatever it is, I hope it’s in my favor.
When the door firmly latches behind her mom, Carly slips back down in her chair, staring into her cup of coffee as if it has all the answers. “She likes me,” I finally say, breaking the silence. Her sigh is the only answer I get right away.
After several moments, Carly finally says, “Yeah, she does.”
“What did you tell her about me?” I ask casually, taking a bigger drink of my coffee.
“The truth. Mom never really asked too many questions about Natalia’s father. She knew he wasn’t around anymore, but didn’t push the subject. So, when I told her who you were, she was a little shocked.”
“You never spoke of me? Not ever to cuss the man who got you knocked up before slipping out into the night?” I ask curiously. Not that I would have blamed her one bit if she would have told everyone that the father didn’t stick around to see the sun rise the next morning. Even if that were the arrangement we agreed upon, I wouldn’t have held it against her if she had put all the blame on me.
“Never. I could never have badmouthed you, Blake, even if I wanted to. You did exactly what you said
you’d do that morning. One night, right? Plus, I didn’t want to degrade what we shared. Even if it was only that one night, it was still special to me, and I didn’t want anyone to taint it by speaking ill of you.” Her confession makes my heart trip over itself. It’s humbling to hear her speak of our night together with such understanding and respect. We both made the decision to engage in one night of passion, and to know that it meant as much to her as it did to me, well that puts a smile on my face.
“Thank you for sharing that night with me, Carly. I never forgot it,” I tell her, reaching across the table and taking her hand in mine.
When she threads her fingers within mine, it takes everything I have not to pull her forward and throw her down on this table. “I never forgot it, either.” Her whispered confession makes my blood start to pump again.
My eyes lock on those pale pink lips. I want to kiss her, need to kiss her, right now. She must sense where my mind is wandering because the tip of that pink tongue slips out and wets her bee-stung lips. Just when I start to move forward, determined to taste her, a loud wail sounds from the hallway. Carly closes her eyes as a small smile plays on her open lips.
She starts to stand up, but I halt her progress. “No, let me. Go get ready. We’re going out today,” I say as I stand up and stroll determined towards my daughter’s bedroom.
Inside, I find the most beautiful pair of sparkling green eyes shining back at me. I’ll never have my heart again. No, this little angel with drool hanging from her mouth and a god-awful smell coming from her diaper owns my heart wholly.
This is my life.
Chapter Fifteen – One More Night
Carly
After spending last Sunday with Blake, we’ve been steadily slipping into a new normal. I go to work while Mom is home with Nat during the day, and most nights Blake comes over when he’s done with work. We have dinner and he spends time getting to know Natalia, as well as getting to know me. He hasn’t spent the night again since Saturday night, which I’m grateful for. Not because I didn’t like having him there, but because I don’t think I’d be able to keep from inviting him to share my bed.