by Lissa Del
I sit in the eye of a private storm, my concern for Jess and the secrets Leo has so obviously been keeping tumbling around my brain on an endless spin cycle. I need to do something, to speak to someone, but fear and solace holds me back. Fear for my friend and fear that the man I am falling for is not what he seems. So, instead, I simply sit – sit and watch and wait. Helpless.
After what feels like an eternity I hear the soft fall of footsteps on the polished, clinically white tiles.
“She’s going to be okay,” Leo says as soon as he reaches me. “She’s stable.” His face is weary and guarded, but the news he brings is enough to buoy my spirits.
“Can I see her?”
“She’s been taken to High Care but I’ve arranged for you to see her. Just for a few minutes,” he adds apologetically. I don’t ask the obvious question. I need to focus on one thing at a time and Leo’s authority in this hospital is not something I can deal with before I see for myself that Jess is okay.
Leo leads me past the quizzical look of the receptionists to the elevators and presses the button for the second floor.
“Sarah,” he says, the minute the doors close on us. He steps instinctively toward me but I hold up a hand to keep him at bay.
“Don’t,” I plead. “Not now.”
He falls silent and I take a deep, steadying breath. The elevator emits a soft ping and I am out of the doors before they’ve even opened fully.
“This way.” Leo gestures with a sweep of his arm and I head in that direction, reading the overhead signs as I go. We reach the High Care unit and I pause outside the automated doors. They don’t open. A nurse glances up from the nurse’s station just inside and, at a nod from Leo, she presses a button which opens the doors.
“Doctor.” The nurse nods as we pass and a tide of nausea washes over me. I think I might be sick, but I swallow down the bile rising in my throat and keep my head held high. My legs are moving of their own accord, step by step through the silent ward, until finally we reach Jess’s room. She’s alone, a single empty bed opposite and when she sees me, she manages a tired, sheepish smile.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, approaching with caution, intimidated by the machines monitoring her heart-rate, her blood pressure and other things I don’t understand. Out of the corner of my eye I see Leo checking the monitors, running a practiced eye over the high-tech equipment. Doctor Russell – a man I don’t recognise.
“I’ve been better,” Jess admits. Her hair is escaping her traditional messy bunches and her eyeliner is streaked so far down her cheeks she could pass for a member of KISS.
“What happened?” I ask firmly. I don’t want to be cruel in the face of her recent ordeal, but I demand the truth. Jess lowers her gaze, picking nervously at the crisp white sheets. “Jess?” I prompt.
“I took something,” she finally admits, speaking so softly I have to strain to catch the words.
“Drugs?” My voice is a whip cracking in the quiet room and she winces. I look to Leo for confirmation and he gives a small nod of his head.
“Apparently they’re not very good for you,” Jess mumbles and I’m relieved to see how shame-faced she is.
“What happened?”
“Something called an amniotic vibration, I think.”
“An atrial fibrillation,” Leo corrects, almost automatically. We both glance across at him but he offers nothing more.
“What I meant,” I continue coldly, addressing Jess, “is how did this happen?”
“Beats me if I know,” Jess shrugs. “Apparently too many Red Bulls don’t mix well with the odd recreational drug.”
“Jess…”
“I got it from Jackson, okay. I wanted to impress him and, before you tell me he’s no good for me, I’ve figured that out all by myself. Spare me the lecture will you, Sarah.” Tears well in her eyes and her mouth contorts with the agony of keeping them in. I bite my lip to keep from saying something I might regret.
“Where’s Tom?” Jess asks, in a voice that is too small to possibly belong to her. “I think I owe him an apology.”
“He doesn’t know you’re here yet but I’m pretty sure an apology will be the last thing on his mind when he hears what’s happened.”
“Dude,” Jess manages a wry grin, looking a little more like her usual self, “it’s Tom!”
“True,” I relent, “so it’ll be the second thing on his mind. The first will obviously be getting the number of any cute male nurses.”
Jess perks up. “Did you see any?”
“You’re impossible.”
“I know.” To my absolute horror she loses the battle with her emotions and the tears spill over, tracking a sad, sorry path through the mascara-streaks on her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Sarah,” she gulps.
To hell with the machines. I scoot up onto the bed beside her and hug the parts I can reach.
“I love you,” I say, “and I swear to God if you ever do anything like this again I’ll kill you myself.”
CHAPTER 23
By the time I’ve retrieved my phone and updated Tom on Jess’s condition, convinced him not to race over to the hospital and explained that none of this is his fault, we’re almost at my apartment. The tension in the car is so thick I could cut it with a knife. Leo glances across at me as I slip the phone back into my purse, waiting for me to go first. I take a second to mentally prepare myself and then I meet his eyes briefly.
“Spill,” I say.
“I’d far rather have this conversation when we get home, Sarah.”
“Home?” I laugh, a dry, rasping sound. “You mean to my place – which you’re no longer welcome in unless you tell me the truth right now.”
“It’s a very long story.” A pause, and then, “I don’t really know where to start.”
“How about at the part where you’re a doctor?”
“Surgeon.”
“What?”
“I’m a surgeon. I was a surgeon,” he corrects. “A trauma surgeon.”
“Go on,” I snap after a moment’s silence. Leo scrubs at his face, the five o’clock shadow darkening his jaw visible even in the gloomy interior of the car.
“I did my residency at Jansens,” he names the very hospital we’ve just come from, “and I was good enough at my job that they offered me a shareholding. Up until a few months ago I held a place on the board.”
“What happened a few months ago?”
“I resigned.”
“That’s not an answer and you know it.”
“Sarah, look, I know you’re upset, but this isn’t who I am anymore. I changed; I told you that part.”
“Do you want a medal?”
“Don’t be like that.”
I curb my anger. “Why did you resign?”
“I didn’t want to do be a doctor anymore.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“It does to me. You said it yourself – we only have one life. I’m trying to make every second count. And I am sorry I didn’t tell you, but this has nothing to do with us.” The word hits me like a punch to the gut.
“How can there even be an ‘us’ if you can’t be honest with me?”
“I never lied to you.”
“Don’t! Don’t you dare use that line. Keeping the truth from me is the same thing as lying to my face.”
“It’s nowhere near the same thing!”
“It is, it’s exactly the same. Why the hell would you register as a first year architectural student when you have a PhD anyway?”
“I told you, I changed. I wanted a new career.”
“Changed how?” I am done tiptoeing around the subject and Leo seems to sense it.
“I used to be different,” he hesitates, not sure how to continue. “I wasn’t a very nice person. The money, the status…”
“This car?” I know I’m being petulant but I can’t help myself.
“Yeah, this car,” he nods angrily. “I just didn’t want to live like that anymore.”
“Why?”
“I just didn’t!” We’ve arrived at my block and Leo pulls up to the curb. He leaves the engine running for the heat, but shifts the car into neutral and turns to face me. His eyes are bruised, haunted, but his words ring true.
“Okay,” I say, rubbing my temples, “so you wanted a change. But to give up your career – one that would’ve taken you years to build? Why not just downscale - do some pro bono work; join Doctors without Borders or whatever it’s called – why change your entire life? And, more importantly, why not just tell me?”
“I don’t know,” he admits. “Maybe I didn’t want you to know what I was like before.”
“Do you even hear yourself? You didn’t want me to know that you were successful? That you saved lives? That just doesn’t make sense.”
“I know!” He is practically yelling and the shock must show in my face because he turns away, squeezing his eyes shut in frustration. “I’m sorry, Sarah, I’m just… this isn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“What do you think?” His eyes are challenging now.
“I don’t know what to think.”
“Sarah,” he takes my hands. “I don’t know if I’m going to become an architect. I don’t know if this is something I want to do for the rest of my life. This year was supposed to be a sabbatical – a chance for me to reassess and find out what I really want.” He gives a hollow chuckle. “And do you know the only thing I know for sure?”
“What?” The word is a whisper of breath.
“That I want you. You are the one thing I am sure of. You’re the last thing I planned for, but the only thing that matters. I’m in love with you, Sarah, God help me.”
He falls silent and I feel the burning prick of tears fill my eyes.
“Please say something,” Leo says eventually.
“You should’ve told me,” I murmur, but I don’t pull my hands away.
“I should have told you,” he agrees. “But you can’t tell me that this changes how you feel about me. Everything I am – everything we are – that’s real! Me being a doctor before doesn’t change that.”
I digest this. He should’ve told me, but in truth he’s committed no crime. I don’t like secrets but does this change the way I feel about him? The answer is a resounding NO. He was a doctor, he’s not anymore. He didn’t like who he was so he made an effort to change, and that, in itself, is admirable. I have a sudden yearning for Jess and Tom and their zany, tactless logic, but the thought of my best friend in the hospital only makes my heart heavier.
“I’m so tired,” I say, my voice small and unsure.
“I know.” He sounds just as pained. “I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
“Would you have told me?” I ask again, needing to be sure.
“We wouldn’t have had much of a future if I didn’t,” he replies levelly. “And I want a future with you, Sarah.” There is no deception in that statement, it is pure truth, but I still want to hear him say it and he seems to sense this. “Yes,” he says, emphatically, “I would have told you.”
I watch the hope fade from his eyes as I slowly withdraw my hands.
Every movement is torture but I force myself to pick up my purse and meet his eyes. “I need time to think. I hope you understand.”
“Of course,” his voice catches slightly. He leans forward, automatically, to kiss me goodnight, but seems to remember himself and straightens up. The space between us burgeons, transcending physical distance until it feels as though we’re miles apart.
“Thank you for all you did for Jess tonight,” I say as I step from the car.
“I’m still a doctor,” he smiles sadly. “I took an oath.” As I close the door I hear his final words and my heart twists into a painful knot. “Don’t give up on us, Sarah.”
CHAPTER 24
Jess is full of beans the following afternoon when I pop in to visit her. It’s Saturday, so the hospital is busy, but she’s been moved to a private ward, courtesy of her father’s perpetual generosity.
“He just left,” she confides. “Thank God for the Hippocratic oath. I told him I ate a bunch of bad oysters. He wanted to sue the restaurant.”
“How did you get around that one?”
“Easy,” she grins wickedly, “I told him Tom made them.”
“Did someone mention my name?” Tom sweeps into the room, his usual immaculate self. He also makes no effort to keep his voice down and a passing nurse throws him a filthy look as she passes the open doorway.
Oblivious, Tom makes his way over to stand on the other side of Jess. He takes in her bloodshot eyes, her pale skin and the fuzzy tangle of her hair. I notice the twitch in his jaw and a brief flash of anger at what Jackson’s done to her, cross his face, before his usual bored expression falls back into place.
“God, you look awful,” he exclaims.
Jess, however, doesn’t laugh as she usually would. She looks embarrassed, not quite meeting his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters, and in her defence she certainly sounds it. Her words are high and stilted as if she’s trying not to cry.
“For what, exactly?” Tom asks gently. “Unless, of course, you’re apologising for subjecting us to this bird’s nest.” He tugs at the knotty mass on top of her head.
“You were right about Jackson. You tried to warn me…” At her words I wonder how much I’ve actually missed about what’s been going on between them. They must have discussed this Jackson character endlessly and in a lot more detail than I originally thought.
“You were right too,” Tom says, brushing aside Jess’s guilt. “It turns out Jackson is bisexual, so technically he’s not gay, as I insisted. Looks like we were both right.”
I can see how desperately he wants her to forgive herself, but Jess isn’t letting herself off that lightly. “You told me he was trouble.”
“Yes,” Tom agrees, sitting down on the bed beside her without any regard for the tubes in her arm. One of the machines emits a frantic beeping sound but Tom doesn’t even look up. “I did tell you that. And you should’ve listened. But when you told me to piss off and mind my own business I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have left you with him last night,” his voice breaks and he takes Jess’s hand and lifts it to his lips, giving it an emphatic kiss. “I guess we’re both idiots. It’s a good thing we have Sarah to balance us out.”
“Me?” I scoff. “I’m the worst friend ever. I didn’t even know what was going on.”
“To be fair, the gloriousness that is Leo would distract even the purest of us,” Tom says.
My face falls at the mention of his name, something my best friends don’t miss, even through their mutual commiseration.
“What happened?” Jess asks, sitting up straighter in her bed.
“Trouble in paradise?” Tom is positively euphoric at the prospect of scandal – anything to distract him from feeling bad about himself for an extended period of time.
“Leo’s a doctor,” I blurt out. There’s no easy way to put it. “A surgeon, actually. He’s a shareholder in this hospital.” Neither Tom nor Jess react to this save for their twin expressions of shock so I continue, the words tumbling out of my mouth in a confusing mess. “He says he didn’t like who he was, that he wanted to make a change, so he left and enrolled in Holmes.”
“A doctor?” Tom rolls the words out slowly.
“A surgeon!” Jess corrects, but she doesn’t sound angry or indignant. If anything, she sounds kind of impressed.
“What kind of surgeon?” Tom asks.
“A trauma… wait, that’s not the point, you guys! The point is that he lied to me.”
“Well, not really,” Jess points out. “I mean, did you ever actually ask him ‘Hey Leo, are you a doctor?’”
“Jess!” I snap, not in the mood for games.
“Being a surgeon isn’t the worst crime in the world,” Tom adds. “I mean, maybe if he was married and didn’t tell you,
or if he didn’t mention he was an alcoholic or that he used to be a woman – that would be unforgiveable, but really, there’s nothing wrong with being a doctor.”
“Surgeon,” Jess corrects, but we ignore her.
“Exactly!” I tell Tom. “So why wouldn’t he tell me?”
“Maybe he wanted you to love him for who he is, not what he is?” Tom is getting carried away, “like when Damon lied about meeting Elena first, because he wanted her to…”
“He didn’t actually lie,” Jess interjects heatedly, “he just made her forget. And she remembered eventually, when she became a vampire.”
“Guys, this isn’t about The Vampire Diaries! It’s about my life!”
“Okay, fine!” Jess raises her hands in surrender. “It is kind of a big deal that he didn’t tell you, but come on Sarah – he’s a surgeon! And he’s hot,” she adds. Tom nods sagely at this, as if it concludes the matter. “How did you find out, anyway?” Jess asks. I give her a meaningful look. “Oh, God,” she gasps, hand flying to her mouth. “Did he see me naked?”
“Wait,” Tom is trying to keep up, “do you mean to tell me that Leo treated Jess last night?”
I nod. “Outside the club. She wasn’t conscious, I would’ve thought she’d just passed out but he said it was serious… he told me to call 911.”
“Wow.” Tom has lost his habitual cool.
“Wow.” Jess echoes.
Now that I’m saying it out loud I realise how big a deal it actually is. Leo probably saved Jessica’s life last night. The reality of that fact hits me full force. No matter how angry I am at him, he saved my best friend’s life.
“He told me he loves me.” I say it almost without thinking. Probably because it’s all I can think about. Leo and I have only been dating for a few months but I can’t bring myself to discard his words as lip service. He meant it. I know that he meant it and I know that it’s real, because deep down, even though I don’t want to admit it, I feel the same way about him.
For once, Tom and Jess have no glib remarks.
“And you?” Jess asks eventually. “Do you feel the same way?”
“Insta love?” We have scoffed at the trope so many times together that I can barely believe she’s even asking me. “Jess, it’s not possible.” She doesn’t correct me but she doesn’t agree either. Her caramel eyes are sparkling with knowledge – the clarity that comes from being on the outside and looking in. “I mean; we’ve only known each other a few months…” I trail off as it hits me just how pointless my denial would be.