by Rob Favre
Finally, the pipers were piped and the drummers were drummed. Everyone cheered and clapped, and Mrs. Bjornsen cracked a tiny smile and took a bow. I got the sinking feeling that they were going to play an encore, and sure enough, as soon as the applause died down, they launched into a spirited rendition of We Wish you a Merry Exmass. And they kept in the part about figgy pudding, even though nobody singing or listening, Young or Old, had ever eaten one, or even knew what one was exactly. I kind of felt like they were doing it just to torture me. There might be actual pudding, not that far away, but I wasn’t allowed to have any yet.
And then, thankfully, they were done. I tried not to sprint to the dining hall, but let’s just say there were some little kids and some old folks that I passed on my way there.
I won’t bore you with long descriptions of everything I ate during that meal, partly because that would be boring to read, and partly because I don’t think I can even remember all of it. After about the fourth plate it all became a delicious blur. I know there was bread, and goat stew, and meatballs, and BBQ hapockas, and pie, and roasted potatoes. There was rice, but I didn’t have any. I was surprised and grateful to find that someone had actually made pizza. It didn’t exactly taste like Uncle Luigi’s back on Earth, what with the goat milk mozzarella and all, but I didn’t care. It was pizza. I think I may have shed a tear of joy.
At some point, I started to recognize an unfamiliar feeling: I was full. There was still food that I could eat, some of it wasn’t squash, and I just didn’t feel like eating any more. I was sleepy and had a vague, pleasant sense that things were going to be okay. The horrific events of the night before felt less stabbingly painful with a little more time and food between them and me. I should have known how that was all going to go, but I was an idiot. I knew that was not the kind of future I had with Zoe. It was time to stop clinging to the past and start learning what kind of future I did have.
I pushed myself away from the table and tried to go for a walk, but I was so full it was more like a waddle.
I spotted Renay scraping some bones and crumbs into a waste bin.
I made a decision.
As I floated toward her, a serene calm came over me. Things were going to be okay. We would go to the party tonight, just hang out, get to know each other. No pressure. No expectations. Low stakes. Worst case scenario, it’s a little boring or awkward. But it could be fun, and better to go and risk it than stay home and sulk.
I caught up with her near the door. “Hey, Renay.”
She stopped and nodded. Her body tensed up a little, coiled like a spring. Maybe she was getting ready in case she needed to escape. It was time to release the tension with some humor.
“I was just wondering, do you know where the feast is?” I looked around the packed dining hall. “I think I may have gotten the wrong address.”
She didn’t smile. “Are you having a pleasant Exmass, Tom?”
“I can’t complain. Listen, about that – how about I take you to that party tonight after all? It could be fun.”
The color drained from her face. She said nothing. Maybe she was more excited about this than I’d thought.
“It’s okay, we’re not getting married or anything. It’ll just be for fun. I’ll come by your place before and we can walk over together. Okay?”
She said something, but I couldn’t hear it over the chattering people and clattering plates. She turned around and marched out of the dining hall.
“Hey, Renay, wait.” I lumbered after her. Maybe eating that last plate of food hadn’t been my best idea. I caught up to her. Eventually. “See you tonight, okay?”
“Not okay, Tom.” Her voice was quiet, but the words had sharp, clipped edges. “I am not going to the party with you.”
I had to admit, I hadn’t really considered that she might actually say “no.”
“Why not?”
She looked stunned, unable to believe that anyone could be as stupid as I was being right now. “If this conversation had happened yesterday, it would have filled me with joy. But it tastes like ashes. I am not a backup plan, Tom. I am not a consolation. I may go alone. I may not go at all. But one thing is certain: I will not be going anywhere with you.”
She stomped away, back into the dining hall. I just stood there, feeling sick from all the heavy food, and trying to figure out why I was so bad at this.
I spent most of the afternoon curled up on my bunk. I was too full to sleep, too sleepy to do much but lie there. After spending weeks on the bland side of the food spectrum, I may have gone too far once I got access to the rich, sweet, and heavy side. Tomorrow it would be back to rice, but that was okay. I was probably just going to give up eating. I didn’t want to do feel this way ever again.
I had only one distraction from my discomfort, and that was thinking about how much I had screwed things up with Zoe. And the only thing I had to distract myself from that pain was thinking about how much I had screwed things up with Renay. Fortunately, I had the dull pain of my bloated digestive system to keep me from focusing on anything for too long. It was quite a lovely cycle of misery. I decided Exmass was just not for me. Maybe I would try to get Halloween started back up next year.
Later in the afternoon, Mom and Dad came back to get ready for the party. They were both in good spirits, laughing and joking. After a few minutes the joking stopped, and things got quiet. I rolled out of bed and went to check on them. I found Dad with his arms around Mom, and Mom holding the faded, tattered remains of what must have been some kind of fancy dress. She wasn’t crying, just looking down at the dress in her lap. She ran the fabric between her fingers and it crumbled into dust and loose threads wherever she touched it. They didn’t notice me, and I didn’t think there was much I could do to help. I went back to bed.
They came out a while later, wearing the same clothes they’d gone in with, and sadder smiles. Mom had put her hair up and put on some makeup. I no idea where she’d found it, but she looked nice.
“We’re heading over to the party, Tom,” Dad said as they paused at the door. “Are… you coming?”
I grunted. I hoped he understood my grunt to mean “no.”
“Did you make any decisions after we talked?”
I wasn’t going to be able to get away with grunting. “I don’t wanna talk about this, Dad. I’m not going.”
He whispered something to Mom and she stepped outside, giving me a sad look. He came over and sat on the bed next to me.
“Did you ask her?”
I nodded.
“She said no?”
I shrugged.
“Son, she either said yes or no. What happened?”
“She was already going with someone else.”
“I’m sorry, son. But I’m proud of you for asking. You can still go to the party, though. You never know who you might end up dancing with.”
“No, no, Dad. You don’t even know. It’s… worse than that.” I told him what had happened with Renay. When I described her reaction to my invitation, his eyes grew wide and he shook his head.
“Oh, son. That was… Wow. Okay, here’s the rule: from now on, you run this sort of thing by me before you do any asking. I could have taught you the most important rule about girls.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re a smart kid, Tom. I think you can probably put it together.”
“But why is it the most important rule?”
“Oh, there are lots of rules about girls, son. And they are all the most important.” He put his hand on my arm and squeezed. “If you feel up to it, come join us at the party. There will be lots of people there. You probably won’t even run into anyone who doesn’t want to see you.”
He left. I heard the door close, then footsteps, then silence.
I just pulled the blankets over my head and curled up into a ball. After a little while I heard the faint thumping of distant music. I started to feel a little less bloated. I was still done with the entire idea of eating, of course. Tha
t was never going to happen again. But I could stand and walk more or less normally now.
I stood there in the lonely darkness in our tiny little apartment, staring out the window. We didn’t quite have a view of Central and the dining hall, but I could see a part of the Lawn where long shadows were dancing in ghostly yellow light. I had screwed up, there was no doubt about it. As long as I was swearing off eating, maybe it was time to swear off girls as well. But I could decide that tomorrow. For tonight, it was still Exmass, and I had already screwed things up as badly as it was possible to screw them. There was nothing left to lose, no lower state I could achieve.
So, of course, I decided to head over to the party.
I figured if it felt weird, I could always just leave. But it was either that or sit here in the dark by myself with my stupid feelings, and that wasn’t proving to be a barrel of laughs either.
The music got louder as I made my way across the Lawn. The air had gotten chilly again. Luckily, where I was going there were going to be way too many people packed into way too little space, so cold air was not going to be a problem.
I got to the door and had to step back as a laughing couple tumbled out into the night. I don’t think they saw me at all. I stepped inside.
I smiled.
All the tables and chairs had been cleared away. The lights were off, and all that yellow light I’d seen was coming from hundreds and hundreds of candles. It wasn’t quite the Christmas lights I grew up with, but it looked beautiful. Someone had put together a playlist of dance versions of Christmas songs. At the moment, a room full of people were bouncing up and down to Frosty the Snowman, and I smiled. I had made the right choice. I started looking around for someone I knew.
I found someone.
Zoe was standing up against the wall. She looked otherworldly in the candlelight, her hair gleaming gold, her skin glowing like an angel. She wore a blue dress that twinkled like fairy dust. And her smile burned brightest of all.
Why was she smiling?
Because Zhon had leaned over and was whispering something to her. Whatever he said made her laugh, and her laugh floated above the beat and the other voices, pure and joyous.
And someone else had made her feel that.
I couldn’t do this.
I stumbled back outside and walked around in the cold. I was done with Exmass. It was the worst holiday ever. I was never going to eat again, I was never going to like a girl again, and I was never going to celebrate Exmass again. Next year, I was going to take a nice long hike down to the Sea and go for a swim by myself. The rest of these idiots could keep their holiday cheer.
Something darted across the darkness in the corner of my eye.
It took me a few seconds to find it again in the dark, but in the candle glow of the party, I could just make out five or six shadowy figures making their way around to the back of Central.
They were shaped like people.
And it looked like they were up to no good.
Will looked at his plate without much enthusiasm. It was piled high with spiced roasted goat, the good, tender meat from the loins. There was some soft cheese with herbs, and some delicate mushrooms from that farm down by the sea. There were fresh green beans and baby potatoes.
But she knew the look on his face, and knew where this was going.
“Sweetness, just try some. It’s good.”
Will poked his fork at a mushroom, lightly, as if he was afraid to wake it.
“I worked on this dinner all day, you know.” Her mother’s voice had that tone again. She wasn’t happy with the way her grandchildren were being raised. Again.
“Mother, I understand. And it’s all lovely. It’s just… a lot of things the boys haven’t tried yet, and…”
“Those boys should not be so picky. When you were their age, we did not have the luxury of choosing what we ate.”
“I remember, Mother.”
Will looked terrified, torn between his fear of the food on his plate and his fear of his grandmother. Hal was very, very focused on cutting up the food on Marka’s plate. Marka was not nearly as picky an eater as his brother, thankfully. He had already stuffed three mushrooms in his mouth and was chewing happily.
She tried to change the subject. “Mother, would you like to come to the movies with us this week?”
“No. The movie this week is about your sister. Again. I do not need another reminder of what you both put me through.”
This was going downhill fast, but at least it might distract mother from what the grandchildren were eating, or not eating. She cut a small bite of potato for Will and tried to think of something else to talk about that wouldn’t make things worse.
Chapter 7
They were sitting on the damp grass, all six of them. Pale and thin, almost skeletal. They wore tattered rags. One was hugging his knees, which bulged like white mushrooms on his sticklike legs. They weren’t tied up or anything. There was no need. They weren’t going to try to get away. They didn’t look like they were strong enough to run very far anyway.
Samson and Kruger were taking turns asking them questions, but the answers were not very satisfying. Were they acting alone? No answer. How many others were there? No answer. Where was their base? No answer.
Where was Captain Jimmy?
One of the men looked up and shook his head slightly. “The Captain is dead.”
You’re probably wondering why anyone would ask about Captain Jimmy, but there’s a good reason. Once I spotted these guys moving around in the night, I got help and it wasn’t long before they were found and surrounded. A lot of us were surprised that they didn’t put up much of a fight or even try to get away. A lot of us, specifically the Young Ones, were even more surprised to find that they knew the intruders.
Right after Planetfall, when everyone was still trying to figure out how things on the new planet were going to work, the Young Ones and the Old Ones kept a wary eye on one another. We Old Ones did our best to make sure everyone felt included, but the Young Ones had a lot to get used to: everything they thought they knew about the world and how it worked had been erased, and the place all their ancestors had called home had ceased to exist. Some of them adapted to change right away; others were still not completely comfortable with open space and preferred to stay inside where there were walls around them and a roof over their heads. And some just would not, or could not, adapt at all. One of them was Captain Jimmy, the guy who had been in charge on the Hope/Freedom before I thawed out and ruined his life. I didn’t set out to prove he was a fraud, upend his rule and cost him everything, but one thing led to another, he had me arrested and put on trial, and he tried to kill me with a spear. It happens. But once we made it down to the planet, he just couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that everything he’d known, everything that had made him special and powerful, had not been real. He decided that the new planet wasn’t real, that it was just a test of his faith. He led a group of his most devoted followers out into the wilderness of the planet, far from the colony, promising that he was going to find a way to restore things to the way they were supposed to be. In the months since then, we had all just assumed Jimmy and his followers must be dead.
It turned that only some of them were.
Haris was the guy who was talking. I’d never met him, but later Rick told me he was the cousin of one of his friend’s uncles, or something. Anyway. He wasn’t willing to say much until somebody thought to bring out a few trays of Exmass leftovers. Haris and friends tried to stay strong, but the closer the food got to them, the less they were able to keep their eyes off it. They were beyond hungry. Before long, all of them were talking up a storm in exchange for patars and plates of cold goat stew.
Things hadn’t gone well from the start for Jimmy’s expedition. They started out with thirty-four true believers, including Jimmy himself. After a week or so of wandering, they found a cave that had a fresh water spring, so they set that up as a home base until Jimmy could figure out how to get them
back to the Heifer. Or, get the Heifer back to them. It sounds like his plan was a little light on the details. Anyway, the food they’d brought with them ran out a few days after they found the cave. Things got bad. Three people gave up and tried to find their way back to our colony, but we never saw them, so I guess they must have gotten lost and starved on the way. The rest stayed and used a combination of prayer and scouting to try to find something to eat. Before long, half of the true believers had starved to death.
A lot of us started to exchange nervous glances. A starving population with no hope of getting more food – we imagined the worst.
Vlad was the first one to ask what we were all thinking. “And… what did you do with the dead?”
Haris slurped down a gigantic spoonful of stew. A stream of brown gravy trickled down the coarse, gray whiskers on his chin; he wiped it up with his finger and licked it off. He looked up at Vlad with cold hatred. “We did not eat them, if that is what you are suggesting. What do you think we did? We put them into the large tank nearby.”
It took me a minute to work out what this meant. Back on the Heifer the Young Ones didn’t bury their dead; they recycled them into the hydroponics system as nutrients for their crops. It’s gross to think about the fact that the cabbage you’re eating was probably at least a little bit made from your great grandmother, but if you think about it, a cabbage you eat on Earth is at least a little bit made from someone’s great grandmother. It’s just that on a planet there’s enough room to spread things out so it doesn’t feel so personal. Anyway. Since there weren’t any hydroponic tanks around here, they did the closest thing they could find: deposited them in the nearby lake.
Vlad’s face was stone. He was still suspicious. “But that must have been months and months ago. How did you find food?”
“Captain Jimmy…” Haris took a moment to compose himself. “Captain Jimmy saved us. The Miracle of the Unexpected Fruit.”