I lean back in my chair and nod my head, not sayin’ a damn word. If she wants to think she knows the facts when she doesn’t have a damn clue, by all means I’ll let her. She’ll be the one lookin’ like an idiot at the end of the day. “I mean, sounds like you know the whole story to me.” I keep my tone flat, cross my arms and let her believe the story she already convinced herself was true. It’s not me who’s gonna look like a bitch who overreacts when all this is said and done.
I peer down to my phone and see a message from Blackjack. So, I pick up my phone and take a look.
From: Blackjack
When you swing by can you grab Noelle and Sydney? She knows your back but I wanted to take some time and chat with you. See if you still want her stayin’ with us or if there’s another plan. I’ll be real with you brother. She misses you. She asks me every damn day if she’s coming to live with you. But, if you’re not ready for that . . . it’s okay. She can stay with me and Ash. Just let me know.
To: Blackjack
Yeah, sounds good. Things are finally starting to settle down here, so I think I’m ready. I appreciate you and Ash watchin’ over her and bein’ there for her when I wasn’t mentally prepared to be. But, it’s about time she comes home. I wanna make this official man. I wanna adopt her, ‘cause she is family. I love that little girl like she’s my very own.
I made a lot of mistakes after my dad died. Too many. I became a shell of the man I was for far too long. Sydney’s mom was Saffron, the clubwhore who got killed. An enemy of the club blew up our clubhouse and it started a fire. Saffron was burned alive, and to top it all off, she was in a relationship with my dad who was the club Prez at the time. A few months later he ended up meeting his maker after protecting Alexa from her psychopath of a father. Sydney isn’t my sister, but she almost was. Her biological father is deceased, a club member named Tank who died a few years back.
I know more than anything that they wanted Sydney to have a normal life, to grow up with a mother and a father. She’d sure get that with my sister and Blackjack, but . . . I can’t . . . let her go. I wasn’t right in the head for a while, but now I’m back to my old self. I’m okay, and I’ll be the best adoptive dad to her as I can. I’ll fuckin’ cherish her like the little angel she is.
“Didn’t you need me to text your guy Chains to get your equipment shipped here?” I ask while I have my phone unlocked. She might be losin’ her damn mind, but she still needs her shit.
Octavia mumbles back a response and a number, so I text the dude our address and simply tell him to send Octavia’s stuff here. She can’t text him since she stupidly smashed her fuckin’ phone.
The two of us finish up breakfast and a couple cups of coffee before I clean up the kitchen and put the dishes away. “We’re gonna head over to get the girls and go visit my sister and the baby,” I tell Octavia.
I own a Jeep Wrangler for the snowy months up here. Gets me in and out of it in a jif. “Alright,” She sounds so aggravated. Shit, she’s fuming about the clubwhore bit. I can’t wait to prove she doesn’t know anything.
Octavia and I head outside and walk down to the Jeep, all the while she’s cockin’ a brow. “What?” I ask, wantin’ to know what’s on her mind.
“Thought you’d be more of a truck guy.”
Snickering, I get in the driver’s side and she hops in the passenger side. We drive back down the lane that leads into the woods and go by the lake house. That’s where Blackjack and Ashley live with the kids.
While we approach, I’m kinda surprised to see Dex sittin’ out on the back porch. I narrow my eyes in on him and see he’s smokin’ and that damn sure isn’t a cigarette. I slam my foot on the brakes as soon as we get there and get outta the Jeep, rushing up to Dex and yank the blunt from his hands. “What the fuck, Dex? You have kids here you’re supposed to be watchin’.” I hiss.
I’m not an asshole. Mary Jane always helps me relax too, but I’d never cross the line and get high while being responsible for two young girls.
He rolls his eyes, “Shit, man. I was just startin’ to feel it too.”
“You’re gonna feel a fist to your face if your dad hears about this!” I warn.
Dex looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “You think I don’t know y’all sell this shit, and things a thousand times worse? Don’t be hypocrites.”
“You’re a kid, Dex. You aren’t eighteen, yet. Alright? Shit, once you’re an adult you can make decisions like that, but I know for a fact your dad and Ashley don’t want you doing this stuff. Especially with college around the corner. You get in trouble and it could fuck up your shot at a scholarship. You want that to happen? Huh?”
“You don’t have to bullshit me, Zane. They don’t want me doin’ stuff like this ‘cause of my mom.”
Shit, there’s that too. Dex’s mom was a druggie and died from an overdose. “That might add to it, but kid . . . this shit isn’t good for you. But lemme just get real with you. You wanna prospect for the club at some point, yeah?”
“Obviously,” Oh, how much I hate the sass kids have these days.
“Not one person has ever joined our club who’s on this shit, so figure it out. Do you want drugs, or you wanna be a Reaper like your ol’ man?”
“Zane!” The door flies open at the sound of Syd’s voice and she comes running up to me. Before I know it, her arms are around my torso and she’s giving me the best hug. Shit, I missed her.
“Hey kiddo. I missed you.” Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her close.
“I missed you too! Can we go see the baby? I really wanna see the baby.” Sydney whines, pulling away with her hands clasped together like she’s praying.
“Why you here actin’ like you’ve never seen a baby when you saw Noelle?”
“Because. It’s not the same! I was so little back then. I don’t remember it. This time I promise I’ll soak it in. Please, can we go? Please! Please?!” Sydney’s pulling on my hand, yanking me toward the car.
“Girl, calm yourself! We’re going. We need Noelle, now don’t we?”
“I’m here,” Noelle comes walkin’ by, headin’ straight for the Jeep. Damn, this girl is . . . not like a kid at all. Sometimes I think I’m starrin’ in the movie Orphan, about the girl who appeared to be eight and had that growth issue. Turned out she was actually in her forties or somethin’.
“Yay, we can go!” Sydney hollers, running toward the Jeep.
I get Noelle secured in the booster seat and we’re off in no time, heading straight to the hospital. We stop at the café downstairs for some cookies which I won’t tell Ash or Blackjack about. They’re damn strict with Noelle when it comes to her sugar intake. Somethin’ about her bein’ hyper. Whatever, not my problem after I hand her back over to them. I grab another coffee and Octavia gets some sort of frou-frou drink.
Blackjack had told me the room Ashley’s in, so we all got in the elevator and made our way up to the maternity ward. Syd is stickin’ right by my side and Noelle is in front of us as we walk through the doorway of Ashley’s room.
“Hey pumpkin!” Ashley says to Noelle, smiling brightly with Fist in her arms, wrapped in some sort of blue blanket.
“Hi. Is that him?” She asks, seeming a bit curious. Noelle darts around to the other side of the bed so she can see him better.
“It sure is,” Blackjack answers, kneeling next to her they both look at the baby boy named after my father.
“What do you think?” Ash asks.
Noelle raises her brows, “He’s okay I guess, as long as I can still go to Princess Palace.” Shit, this kid is hysterical, holdin’ shit against them already. I fight holdin’ back my chuckle but Sydney can’t help it.
Her giggles fill the room and she runs over to see the baby too. Ashley shifts her arm to the right and gives them a better look, while Blackjack goes back to standing. “What do you think of him, Sydney? You think his name is fitting?” Ash asks.
I look right at Octavia, watching the second it clicks. Her eyes g
o wide and her mouth falls open. “I’m glad you finally know who Syd is.” I say with a shit eating grin.
“He’s kinda cute. I think . . . he’d be really happy with the name you gave h-him.” I hear her voice starting to choke up, immediately diverting my attention to her. Sydney gives me one look and I know she’s gonna let it all out. She steps away from Ashley and comes around the bed to me, walking straight up against me and starts sobbing.
Fuck. Out of everythin’ in my life, the only thing that rips me apart is seein’ this little girl cry. She’s been through so much trauma in her life. More than anyone should go through.
I kneel down and look at her, but she’s quick to adjust her arms around my neck, shielding her face from me. She keeps her head nestled against my chest, “I miss them. I miss my mom, and I miss Fist. He was my dad, even though he wasn’t my real dad . . . he was my number two dad and . . . and I-I don’t wanna lose my number three dad either.”
I pull my body from hers and look into her eyes, “What do you mean by that kiddo? Who’s your number three dad?” She has to mean Blackjack. He’s been takin’ care of her since everything’s been goin’ on.
“You. I don’t want you to d-die too Z-zane!” She cries, tears streamin’ down her face.
“Oh Syd,” I mutter, pulling her close against my chest. I look back to my sister and see she’s tearing up. We all love Sydney so fuckin’ much it hurts. This little girl is one of us, and her blood doesn’t make her any less part of our family.
I take in a deep breath and tell Sydney what I’ve already decided, long before today. Though, I look at Ash and Blackjack while I say it. “Syd, I wanna take you home today. You’re not gonna lose me, I can promise you that. We’ve lost so much and I’m not gonna lose you. I . . . I made this decision long before today, but I . . . I wanna legally adopt you. I know we’re your guardians, but I wanna legally make you mine. You’re not gonna lose me, baby, ‘cause third times the charm.” I tell her.
“Morbid much?” Ashley grumbles in the background, givin’ me ‘what the fuck’ eyes.
“Are you serious?” Sydney asks, catching me a little off guard.
I nod, “Yeah, Syd. I ain’t ever been more serious about anythin’ in my life.” The kid might not understand the truth behind my words, but I swear on my mother’s grave I meant every word I just spoke.
Chapter Eighteen
One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change
~ Unknown
Octavia
I made a complete ass out of myself, and there isn’t one thing I could do to take it back. The moment Blackjack mentioned another woman’s name I thought I had it all figured out. Especially when Zane commented about how the clubwhores were getting their own living quarters.
Like, who even does that? It’s a bit peculiar if you ask me. They don’t even have any clubwhores here. Zane ended up telling me Shiloh used to be a clubwhore but isn’t, so they’re building a house for who exactly. Oh wait, that’s right— no one.
I’ve been putting away my clothes since last night we just hit the hay, but I keep feeling like such a jerk for accusing him of being a liar. For a minute I got pissed because he could’ve just told me right then and there about Sydney being a kid, but I’m sure he didn’t because he wanted to teach me a lesson. Hell, I can’t say I blame him.
I put away the one dress Zane bought me at that strip mall in Vegas and jump in the shower really quick. I’m in and out within ten minutes and slide on a cobalt blue rimmed tank top and pair of black cotton shorts. Even if I don’t want to, I really need to apologize. It’s the right thing to do.
Sucking in a deep breath I exit the bedroom and head down the stairs. The clock on the wall reads a little past six and we had dinner early, around four-thirty.
“Can I go to my room and go play with my tablet?” I hear Sydney ask as I come around the corner. Zane set up Ashley’s old bedroom for her and got her a few new things, the tablet being one of them.
“Is your homework done?” Zane asks, and I want to laugh. He sounds so unsure about if she’s going to take him seriously.
“Of course, it is. I do it first thing when I get off the bus because it’s easier for me to remember what I learned in school that day.” Sydney shoots back.
“Alright . . . one hour, then you get your butt to bed.”
“Okay!” Sydney squeals in delight, runs around the corner and collides straight into me.
“Whoa there,” I laugh, placing my arms on her shoulders. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry Octavia!” She shoots right past me, runs up the stairs and the sound of a door shutting tells me she’s gotten to her room.
As I turn around the corner Zane’s expression shifts from a bright smile to something stoic. “I came down here to apologize, for insinuating.”
He lets out a soft chuckle, “Do me a favor and don’t ever do that again. You could’ve just asked who she was, but you didn’t. Ya had to get all emotional and lose your shit on me.”
Tightness forms in my throat. I know it’s my anxiety making me all nervous, wanting me to shrivel up and get upset. But, Zane isn’t wrong. I reacted out of haste versus asking him. If there’s any tension between us now, it’s on me not him. “You’re right. I’m sorry I acted like that. I’ll be honest, okay? I’m not used to this. I’m not used to a club like yours, where the guys don’t fuck the clubwhores whenever they want to. You know what my mother was, and all of my brothers and sisters’ moms except Troy’s, right?”
Zane nods, “I do. They were all clubwhores at one point in time.”
“Right. I’m only used to one thing— men who aren’t faithful.”
Zane draws his brows together and tilts his head. “That guy, he wasn’t faithful to you?”
“No, he was. Or at least I think he was. I’m just trying to explain I don’t know anything else, but I’m going to adapt and soon I’ll understand the way your club runs too.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it. Lemme ask you somethin’ though,” Zane leans down and puts his forearms on the island. “Why didn’t he fight for you? I mean, I can’t wrap my head around that. You two were in a relationship for a bit and he just let you go?”
Wow. It didn’t hurt as badly as it does right now. “Yeah.”
“Shit, that’s fucked up.”
Even now, I find myself wanting to defend him. “The club is his life, so he’d do whatever he needed to ensure everyone there would be safe. The alliance with your club gives the Raiders that position.”
“Did you rehearse that?”
“Excuse me?” I snarl.
He shrugs his shoulders and goes back to standing. “It sounds like you’ve had to tell yourself that, to convince yourself and live with it.”
I open my mouth, fully intending to light his ass on fire, but I realize Zane isn’t wrong. I have been doing this. I’ve been reminding myself of Inc’s duty to the club, how he needed to do what was best for them. But it’s all bullshit. He could’ve chosen to act differently, but he didn’t. Instead he stood back and let me be taken away from him. He stood off to the side and watched as I walked out of the club. He didn’t come running, storm out the doors to tell Zane I was his woman. He just . . . didn’t do a damn thing.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Now I’m bein’ the asshole. I just don’t like how he cast you to the side like you didn’t matter. If the roles were reversed, I would’ve fought for you. In my eyes, you just don’t let the people you care about go like that. You fight for what matters to you, no matter what’s going on.”
I glance over to the kitchen counters, pulling myself away from having to look into his eyes. His words strike me deep in my core. We must be silent for a couple minutes before I hear his combat boots hitting against the floor, and when I look up he’s right in front of me. His chest is practically pressing against mine. He’s looking at me with compassion, grazes his thumb against my cheek and forces me to look
at him directly in the eyes. “Listen, I’m not a great man, Octavia. But I’d like to believe I’m a good one. I fuck up. Hell, I make mistakes and sometimes I misspeak. I lash out when I’m pissed but I love hard and defend those I care about without thinking twice. I’m not promising you’ll have the life you imagined here, because I doubt I’m the type of man you ever wanted.”
Now I’m the one furrowing my brows. Zane might not realize the way he just put himself down, but I don’t like it. He may have been brash a few times, but he hasn’t shown me in one instance that he can be an ass. He’s only been kind, and I’m not naïve. I know how badly this could’ve gone. I could’ve been paired with a man who thought it was fun to rape me and pass me around between brothers. I was lucky to end up here with the Reapers— with him.
“What is that supposed to mean, Zane?” I ask, pursing my lips.
He pulls his hand away from my cheek and I grab it with my own, clasping my hands around his, showing him this support. He pulls his face away, purposefully not looking at me. I wonder why his body language is like this, and then it hits me. He’s ashamed. In a way, Zane’s in the closet. To the outside everyone must believe he’s only interested in women, but only a chosen few must know about his true desires. “I’m not a man who can be satisfied with one partner, Cinnamon. I need more than one. I crave more than just a wo—” Zane closes his mouth, stopping mid-sentence.
“Do you think I hold it against you? That I think it’s something to do with me?” I question. His sexual preference doesn’t make me feel less of a woman, or insecure in any manner. I’m sure another woman might feel like that . . . but he was truthful with me. He gave me the impression of what he prefers. It has nothing to do with me. Zane doesn’t answer, so I continue. “Zane, I know your sexual preference has nothing to do with me. I don’t hold it against you. You . . . you could’ve lied to me and you didn’t. You were honest. I want you to be happy, the same way you want me to be happy.”
Zane (Reapers MC Book 11) Page 9