[Mumbling.] I’ve got to go.
MOTHER [following]: Albert!
ALBERT: What?
MOTHER: I want to ask you a question.
ALBERT: What?
MOTHER: Are you leading a clean life?
ALBERT: A clean life?
MOTHER: You’re not leading an unclean life, are you?
ALBERT: What are you talking about?
MOTHER: You’re not messing about with girls, are you? You’re not going to go messing about with girls tonight?
ALBERT: Don’t be so ridiculous.
MOTHER: Answer me, Albert. I’m your mother.
ALBERT: I don’t know any girls.
MOTHER: If you’re going to the firm’s party, there’ll be girls there, won’t there? Girls from the office?
ALBERT: I don’t like them, any of them.
MOTHER: You promise?
ALBERT: Promise what?
MOTHER: That … that you won’t upset your father.
ALBERT: My father? How can I upset my father? You’re always talking about upsetting people who are dead!
MOTHER: Oh, Albert, you don’t know how you hurt me, you don’t know the hurtful way you’ve got, speaking of your poor father like that.
ALBERT: But he is dead.
MOTHER: He’s not! He’s living! [Touching her breast.] In here! And this is his house!
[Pause.]
ALBERT: Look, Mum, I won’t be late … and I won’t …
MOTHER: But what about your dinner? It’s nearly ready.
ALBERT: Seeley and Kedge are waiting for me. I told you not to cook dinner this morning. [He goes to the stairs.] Just because you never listen …
He runs up the stairs and disappears. She calls after him from the hall.
MOTHER: Well, what am I going to do while you’re out? I can’t go into Grandma’s room because there’s no light. I can’t go down to the cellar in the dark, we were going to have a game of cards, it’s Friday night, what about our game of rummy?
SCENE TWO
A coffee stall by a railway arch. A wooden bench is situated a short distance from it.
SEELEY and KEDGE, both about ALBERT’S age, are at the counter, talking to the barman. An old man leans at the corner of the counter.
SEELEY: Give us a cheese roll as well, will you?
KEDGE: Make it two.
SEELEY: Make it two.
BARMAN: Two cheese rolls.
SEELEY: What are these, sausages?
BARMAN: Best pork sausages.
SEELEY [to KEDGE]: You want a sausage?
KEDGE [shuddering]: No, thanks.
SEELEY: Yes, you’re right.
BARMAN: Two cheese rolls. What about these sausages, you want them or don’t you?
SEELEY: Just the rolls, mate.
BARMAN: Two tea, two rolls, makes one and eightpence.
SEELEY gives him half a crown.
KEDGE: There’ll be plenty to eat at the party.
SEELEY: I’ll bet.
OLD MAN: Eh! [They turn to him.] Your mate was by here not long ago.
SEELEY: Which mate?
OLD MAN: He had a cup of tea, didn’t he, Fred? Sitting over there he was, on the bench. He said he was going home to change but to tell you he’d be back.
KEDGE: Uh-uh.
OLD MAN: Not gone more than above forty-five minutes.
BARMAN: One and eight from half a dollar leaves you ten pennies.
OLD MAN: Anyway, he told me to tell you when I see you he was coming back.
KEDGE: Thanks very much.
SEELEY: Well, I hope he won’t be long. I don’t want to miss the booze.
KEDGE: You think there’ll be much there, do you?
OLD MAN: Yes, he was sitting over there.
KEDGE: Who was?
OLD MAN: Your mate.
SEELEY: Oh yes.
OLD MAN: Yes, sitting over there he was. Took his cup of tea and went and sat down, didn’t he, Fred? He sat there looking very compressed with himself.
KEDGE: Very what?
OLD MAN: Compressed. I thought he was looking compressed, didn’t you, Fred?
BARMAN: Depressed. He means depressed.
SEELEY: No wonder. What about that game on Saturday, eh?
KEDGE: You were going to tell me. You haven’t told me yet.
BARMAN: What game? Fulham?
SEELEY: No, the firm. Firm’s got a team, see? Play on Saturdays.
BARMAN: Who’d you play?
SEELEY: Other firms.
BARMAN: You boys in the team, are you?
KEDGE: Yes. I’ve been off sick though. I didn’t play last week.
BARMAN: Sick, eh? You want to try one of my sausages, don’t he, Henry?
OLD MAN: Oh, ay, yes.
KEDGE: What happened with the game, then?
They move to the bench.
SEELEY: Well, when you couldn’t play, Gidney moved Albert to left back.
KEDGE: He’s a left half.
SEELEY: I know he’s a left half. I said to Gidney myself, I said to him, look, why don’t you go left back, Gidney? He said, no, I’m too valuable at centre half.
KEDGE: He didn’t, did he?
SEELEY: Yes. Well, you know who was on the right wing, don’t you? Connor.
KEDGE: Who? Tony Connor?
SEELEY: No. You know Connor. What’s the matter with you? You’ve played against Connor yourself.
KEDGE: Oh—whatsisname—Micky Connor.
SEELEY: Yes.
KEDGE: I thought he’d given up the game.
SEELEY: No, what are you talking about? He plays for the printing works, plays outside right for the printing works.
KEDGE: He’s a good ballplayer, that Connor, isn’t he?
SEELEY: Look. I said to Albert before the kick off, Connor’s on the right wing, I said, play your normal game. I told him six times before the kick off.
KEDGE: What’s the good of him playing his normal game? He’s a left half, he’s not a left back.
SEELEY: Yes, but he’s a defensive left half, isn’t he? That’s why I told him to play his normal game. You don’t want to worry about Connor, I said, he’s a good ballplayer but he’s not all that good.
KEDGE: Oh, he’s good, though.
SEELEY: No one’s denying he’s good. But he’s not all that good. I mean, he’s not tip-top. You know what I mean?
KEDGE: He’s fast.
SEELEY: He’s fast, but he’s not all that fast, is he?
KEDGE [doubtfully]: Well, not all that fast …
SEELEY: What about Levy? Was Levy fast?
KEDGE: Well, Levy was a sprinter.
SEELEY: He was a dasher, Levy. All he knew was run.
KEDGE: He could move.
SEELEY: Yes, but look how Albert played him! He cut him off, he played him out the game. And Levy’s faster than Connor.
KEDGE: Yes, but he wasn’t so clever, though.
SEELEY: Well, what about Foxall?
KEDGE: Who? Lou Foxall?
SEELEY: No, you’re talking about Lou Fox, I’m talking about Sandy Foxall.
KEDGE: Oh, the winger.
SEELEY: Sure. He was a very smart ballplayer, Foxall. But what did Albert do? He played his normal game. He let him come. He waited for him. And Connor’s not as clever as Foxall.
KEDGE: He’s clever though.
SEELEY: Gawd blimey, I know he’s clever, but he’s not as clever as Foxall, is he?
KEDGE: The trouble is, with Connor, he’s fast too, isn’t he?
SEELEY: But if Albert would have played his normal game! He played a game foreign to him.
KEDGE: How many’d Connor get?
SEELEY: He made three and scored two.
Pause. They eat.
KEDGE: No wonder he’s depressed, old Albert.
SEELEY: Oh, he was very depressed after the game, I can tell you. And of course Gidney was after him, of course. You know Gidney.
KEDGE: That birk.
[Pause.]
; OLD MAN: Yes, he was sitting over where you are now, wasn’t he, Fred? Looking very compressed with himself. Light-haired bloke, ain’t he?
SEELEY: Yes, light-haired.
SCENE THREE
The house.
ALBERT is coming down the stairs. He is wearing his jacket. He goes towards the door. His mother calls from the kitchen and goes into the hall.
MOTHER: Albert! Where are you going?
ALBERT: Out.
MOTHER: Your dinner’s ready.
ALBERT: I’m sorry. I haven’t got time to have it.
MOTHER: Look at your suit. You’re not going out with your suit in that state, are you?
ALBERT: What’s the matter with it?
MOTHER: It needs a good brush, that’s what’s the matter with it. You can’t go out like that. Come on, come in here and I’ll give it a brush.
ALBERT: It’s all right …
MOTHER: Come on.
They go into the kitchen. She gets the brush.
Turn round. No, stand still. You can’t go out and disgrace me, Albert. If you’ve got to go out you’ve got to look nice. There, that’s better.
She dusts his jacket with her hands and straightens his tie.
I didn’t tell you what I made for you, did I? I made it specially. I made Shepherd’s Pie tonight.
ALBERT [taking her hand from his tie]: The tie’s all right.
He goes to the door.
Well, ta-ta.
MOTHER: Albert! Wait a minute. Where’s your handkerchief?
ALBERT: What handkerchief?
MOTHER: You haven’t got a handkerchief in your breast pocket.
ALBERT: That doesn’t matter, does it?
MOTHER: Doesn’t matter? I should say it does matter. Just a minute. [She takes a handkerchief from a drawer.] Here you are. A nice clean one. [She arranges it in his pocket.] You mustn’t let me down, you know. You’ve got to be properly dressed. Your father was always properly dressed. You’d never see him out without a handkerchief in his breast pocket. He always looked like a gentleman.
SCENE FOUR
The coffee stall.
KEDGE is returning from the counter with two teas.
KEDGE: Time we were there.
SEELEY: We’ll give him five minutes.
KEDGE: I bet his Mum’s combing his hair for him, eh?
He chuckles and sits.
You ever met her, Seeley?
SEELEY: Who?
KEDGE: His … mother.
SEELEY: Yes.
KEDGE: What’s she like?
SEELEY [shortly]: She’s all right.
KEDGE: All right, is she?
SEELEY: I told you. I just said she was all right.
[Pause.]
KEDGE: No, what I mean is, he always gets a bit niggly when she’s mentioned, doesn’t he? A bit touchy. You noticed that?
SEELEY [unwillingly]: Yes.
KEDGE: Why’s that, then?
SEELEY: I don’t know. What’re you asking me for?
KEDGE: I don’t know. I just thought you might … sort of … well, I mean, you know him better than I do, don’t you?
[Pause.]
Of course, he don’t let much slip, does he, old Albert?
SEELEY: No, not much.
KEDGE: He’s a bit deep really, isn’t he?
SEELEY: Yes, he’s a bit deep.
[Pause.]
KEDGE: Secretive.
SEELEY [irritably]: What do you mean, secretive? What are you talking about?
KEDGE: I was just saying he was secretive.
SEELEY: What are you talking about? What do you mean, he’s secretive?
KEDGE: You said yourself he was deep.
SEELEY: I said he was deep. I didn’t say he was secretive!
ALBERT walks through the railway arch across to the bench.
KEDGE: Hullo, Albert.
ALBERT: Hullo.
KEDGE: That’s a nice bit of clobber you’ve got on there.
SEELEY: Very fair, very fair.
KEDGE: Yes, fits you like a glove.
SEELEY: Well, come on, catch a thirty-six round the corner.
ALBERT: Wait a minute, I … I don’t think I feel like going, actually.
KEDGE: What are you talking about?
ALBERT: I don’t feel like it, that’s all.
SEELEY: What, with all that drink laid on?
ALBERT: No, I’ve just got a bit of a headache.
OLD MAN: That’s the bloke! That’s the bloke was here before, isn’t it, Fred? I gave them your message, son.
ALBERT: Oh … thanks.
OLD MAN: Didn’t I?
KEDGE: You did, you did, mate.
SEELEY: Well, what’s going on, you coming or what?
ALBERT [touching his forehead]: No, I feel a bit … you know …
KEDGE: Don’t you know who’ll be there tonight, Albert?
ALBERT: Who?
KEDGE: Joyce.
ALBERT: Joyce? Well, what about it?
KEDGE: And Eileen.
ALBERT: Well, so what?
KEDGE: And Betty. Betty’ll be there. They’ll all be there.
SEELEY: Betty? Who’s Betty?
KEDGE: Betty? What do you mean? You don’t know Betty?
SEELEY: There’s no girl in the office called Betty.
KEDGE: Betty! The dark bit! The new one. The one that came in last week. The little one, in the corner!
SEELEY: Oh, her. Is her name Betty? I thought it was—
KEDGE: Betty. Her name’s Betty.
SEELEY: I’ve been calling her Hetty.
[Pause.]
KEDGE: Anywhat, she’ll be there. She’s raring to go, that one.
ALBERT: Well, you go then, I’ll …
KEDGE: Albert, what’s the matter with you, mate? It’s wine, women and song tonight.
ALBERT: I see them every day, don’t I? What’s new in that?
KEDGE: You frightened Gidney’ll be after you, then, because of the game?
ALBERT: What do you mean?
KEDGE: Go on, everyone has a bad game, Albert.
ALBERT: Yes, they do, don’t they?
KEDGE: I played against Connor myself once. He’s tricky. He’s a very tricky ballplayer.
ALBERT: Yes.
SEELEY: Clever player, Connor.
ALBERT: What’s Gidney got to do with it, Kedge?
KEDGE: Well, you know what he is.
ALBERT: What?
KEDGE: Well, he’s captain of the team, isn’t he, for a bang-off?
ALBERT: You think—?
SEELEY: Oh, scrub round it, will you? It’s late—
ALBERT: You think I’m frightened of Gidney?
KEDGE: I didn’t say you were—
SEELEY: Gidney’s all right. What’s the matter with Gidney?
ALBERT: Yes. What’s wrong with him?
KEDGE: Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a nice bloke. He’s a charmer, isn’t he?
SEELEY: The cream of the cream. Well, come on, you coming or what?
ALBERT: Yes, all right. I’ll come.
SEELEY: Just a minute. I’ll get some fags.
He goes to the counter. ALBERT and KEDGE are left standing.
[To the BARMAN.] Twenty ‘Weights’, mate.
KEDGE regards ALBERT.
KEDGE: How’s your Mum, Albert?
ALBERT: All right.
KEDGE: That’s the idea.
BARMAN: Only got ‘Woods’.
SEELEY: They’ll do.
ALBERT [quietly]: What do you mean, how’s my Mum?
KEDGE: I just asked how she was, that’s all.
ALBERT: Why shouldn’t she be all right?
KEDGE: I didn’t say she wasn’t.
ALBERT: Well, she is.
KEDGE: Well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?
ALBERT: What are you getting at?
KEDGE: I don’t know what’s the matter with you tonight, Albert.
SEELEY [returning]: What’s up now?
ALBERT: Kedge here, suddenly asks how my mother is.
KEDGE: Just a friendly question, that’s all. Gaw! You can’t even ask a bloke how his mother is now without him getting niggly!
ALBERT: Well, why’s he suddenly ask—?
SEELEY: He was just asking a friendly question, mate. What’s the matter with you?
[Pause]
ALBERT: Oh.
SEELEY: Well, how is she, then?
ALBERT: She’s fine. What about yours?
SEELEY: Fine. Fine.
[Pause.]
KEDGE: Mine’s fine too, you know. Great. Absolutely great. A marvel for her age, my mother is. Of course, she had me very late.
[Pause.]
SEELEY: Well? Are you coming or not? Or what?
KEDGE: I’m coming.
ALBERT [following]: I’m coming.
SCENE FIVE
The kitchen. The MOTHER is putting ALBERT’S dinner into the oven. She takes the alarm clock from the mantelpiece and puts it on the table. She takes out a pack of cards, sits at the table and begins to lay out a game of patience. Close up of her, broodingly setting out the cards. Close up of the clock. It is seven forty-five.
Act Two
SCENE ONE
The lounge of MR. KING’S house. The party is in progress. KEDGE and BETTY are dancing. Music comes from a radiogram. MR. KING, an urbane man in his fifties, GIDNEY, the chief accountant, in his late twenties, SEELEY and ALBERT, are standing in a group. JOYCE and EILEEN are at the table which serves as a bar. Two men and a woman of indeterminate age sit holding drinks. HORNE and BARROW, two young clerks, stand by the door. MR. RYAN, the old man, sits in the centre of the room, smiling.
JOYCE: You enjoying the party, Mr. Ryan?
RYAN nods and smiles.
EILEEN [pleasantly]: Enjoying the party, are you?
He nods, winks and smiles.
KING: I recommend a bicycle, honestly. It really keeps you up to the mark. Out in the morning, on the bike, through the town … the air in your lungs, muscles working … you arrive at work … you arrive at work fresh … you know what I mean? Uplifted.
GIDNEY: Not so good in the rain.
KING: Refreshes you! Clears the cobwebs. [He laughs.]
SEELEY: You don’t walk to work, do you, Gidney?
GIDNEY: Me? I’ve got the car.
KING: I drive too, of course, but I often think seriously of taking up cycling again. I often think very seriously about it, you know.
JOYCE [to RYAN]: Nice party, isn’t it, Mr. Ryan?
RYAN nods and inclines his head, smiling.
Harold Pinter Plays 1 Page 23