I leaned my head back against the sofa and kicked my feet up on the coffee table. “I guess I just don’t want to.”
“Then let her do it. Develop the recipes and have her give you a cut of her profits.” Dan shrugged. “It worked with David and Emmanuel. It’ll be more money rolling in for you and Joe without having to leave the twins.”
“It’s a thought.” I shrugged, thinking it might placate Stacy long enough for me to sort out my next move with Sanchez. I wanted to keep them happy, and whatever I was going to do next, I knew I needed them on my team. “I could develop new recipes seasonally for her and help her during busy times.”
Dan nodded. “You said you’ve wanted to get out a little. Will your mom be able to watch the twins?”
“As long as she’s free after school for Mason and Mac’s kids’ activities.” I nodded, starting to get excited. I could feel that rush of an impending adventure blazing through my veins. “It’s not a bad short-term plan. Thanks, Dan.”
“It’s my calling. I’m an ‘ideas man’.” He replied. “Now pipe down. It’s time to watch some rich white girl problems that aren’t ours. And we’re having lots of bread for lunch. You need to carb load for tonight’s drunkfest.”
“Oh my God, is that a stripper pole?” Joe’s sister, Tamryn snorted, as she climbed aboard the silver party bus. I was two steps behind her and I chuckled when I saw Robin swinging around on the pole with a cup in one hand.
“Lord.” I shook my head.
“Welcome to The Cherry Bomb!” Dan called from his seat near the front. A large spread of liquor bottles gleamed from inside a stainless steel ice chest in front of him. The makeshift bar was housed between the first seat and the large TV screen on the wall behind the driver’s seat. Dan was occupied, handling a martini shaker as if he’d been bar tending his entire life.
“Holy shit.” Stacy said from behind me. I turned and saw she was decked out in a silver top with a plunging neckline and a sinfully short mini skirt. “This bus is bigger than my apartment.”
“Y’all didn’t have to do all this.” I cried. I really wished they hadn’t. I would have loved a quiet night at a pub just having a few beers and laughs. When Dan said he had to leave to go get the bus, I knew I was in trouble.
“Only the finest for my very best friend.” Dan murmured, and he poured a martini and handed it to Tamryn. He turned to me. “What can I get you to drink, Miss Bachelorette?”
“I’ll just have a beer.” I replied. I was not about to let them get me drunk enough to be hungover. I’d have two babies to deal with in the morning, and they weren’t known for being particularly reasonable.
“Of course you will.” He huffed.
He popped open a bottle of Land Shark with a giant penis shaped opener and handed it to me. I shook my head. The ridiculousness of their collective verve was amusing. The whole ‘last night of debauchery’ bit had always struck me as bizarre. If I wanted to play the field, I would have and I certainly wouldn’t be getting married. That being said, I knew that the party was more for the entertainment of my friends than it was for me.
I noticed Jay and Lisa seated all the way in the back behind Robin and her beloved pole.
“Why are y’all hiding out back here in the back of the bus like second class citizens?” I asked, dancing my way past Robin and her tall, freshly frosted hairdo.
“Oh, you know...Dan’s up there.” Lisa rolled her eyes as she twirled a strand of her curly dark hair. “Jay and Dan have to stay on opposite ends of the party. It’s all a part of the treaty they signed after the baby shower.”
“Yes. Two gay men can’t occupy your orbit at the same time, Mollykins.” Jay agreed. He had his back to the rest of the party and wore an expression of utter disdain. “It’d be a paradox. We might open a wormhole to another universe or some shit.”
“Have some sherry, honey. It’ll make you feel better.” I replied, hoping gay on gay violence wouldn’t put a damper on our evening.
“Or maybe a little Gary...” Lisa laughed at her own joke and Jay held his glass out so she could clink with him.
“Oh! Molly! We have something for you to wear.” Robin exclaimed, and she frolicked over to a seemingly empty seat.
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” I looked down at my red blouse and dark denim jeans. My pointy red stilettos were my favorite, and they’d have to kill me for them.
“Ta da!” She shouted, holding up a white t-shirt with a large ball and chain on it. Next to the picture was what looked like a to-do list and I could read the heading from across the bus.
BACHELORETTE! DARE ME!
“What the—” I started.
“No arguments.” Lisa snapped. “Put the damn thing on. You can take if off when you’ve accomplished everything on the list.”
“No.” I scowled at her and sipped my drink. She stared me down.
“Hey, everybody!” Kelly called from the front of the bus. She was hopping on one foot. I saw my cousins, Slut One and Slut Two trailing after her. As usual, they looked like streetwalkers and I nudged Lisa with my knee.
“What?” Lisa whispered.
“Did Dan invite The Slut Sisters?” I asked.
“Of course.” She adjusted her cat lady glasses with a wicked smile. “We need people around who make us feel better about ourselves.”
“Mission accomplished.” Jay chimed in, smoothing his sculpted red hair.
“Hey, y’all!” Robin flung the t-shirt at my face (which was painful since it had a fabric marker attached to it) and hurried off to Kelly and the sluts. Stacy looked a bit uncomfortable at the sight of Kelly and hurriedly made her way to us in the back of the bus. I cringed inwardly. We all had my brother Mac and his lack of self-control to thank for that awkwardness.
Ah well, Stacy wasn’t exactly an innocent bystander if memory served.
“Stace.” I called to her.
“I hope you ate something before you got here ‘cause you are going to drink your body weight in booze tonight.” She stated as she dropped onto the seat next to me. “We’re swinging by to pick up my mom in a couple of hours. She heard we were going to see strippers and invited three of her friends.”
“The more the merrier.” I shrugged. “They do know we’re going to see strippers at a gay bar, right?”
“I warned ‘em.” Stacy nodded. I felt my phone vibrate and saw I had a picture message from Joe. My fiancé was holding up a tiny fish with a proud, serious expression. His stance made it obvious he was acting as if he’d conquered a Great White. I giggled and sent him a quick text.
You’re such a good provider. We’ll live off that sucker for months.
“I think my mom would go see strippers on the surface of the sun if you promised her a Cosmopolitan. The gay bar will just make the show more interesting.” Stacy replied.
“Yeah. Fighting with other boys to put money in a G-string ought to make for some great people watching. Listen.” I leaned forward so she could hear me over the killer sound system. “Dan and I were talking about your school project, and I think I have an idea.”
I went on to outline the highlights of my conversation with Dan over the horrendous sounds of the Sluts firing up the Karaoke machine. Covering one ear with her fingers to block out their caterwauling rendition of Gloria Gaynor, Stacy nodded her head enthusiastically right up until I got to the part where I said she could give me five percent of profits for developing the recipes and training her employees.
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable with five, Molly. Make it ten percent and you have yourself a deal. It’s your tasty treats that people love. No one makes a sugar cookie like you do. Besides, you’re going to have to find a replacement for me at Wrapgasmic, and it might take two people to do what I do.”
“Will you still do the Twitter and Facebook and Instagram crap for Wrapgasic?” I asked.
She shrugged as if I asked her to pick up my dry-cleaning. “Of course. Will you still help me bake at the holidays?”
<
br /> “Duh. Then you have yourself a deal. I can hook you up with all the contacts for wholesale ingredients. We can use the commercial kitchen that I rent until you save enough up for your own industrial kitchen. I’ll call Robbie to get some papers drawn up after Joe and I get back from the honeymoon.”
“Oooo! Where are you going on your honeymoon? Is he taking you to Hedonism?” Jay popped into the conversation, slithering closer to us and making himself at home.
“Joe does give off a bit of a freaky swinger vibe, doesn’t he?” Lisa asked, just as Dan appeared beside her topping off her glass with a giant splash of vodka straight from the bottle.
“I think that’s just wishful thinking, sweetie.” Dan said to Lisa. Jay sniffed, but when Dan held out the bottle toward him, Jay raised his glass to accept Dan’s offering.
“Put the damn shirt on, Molly!” Robin called from across the bus. I narrowed my eyes at her and wondered just how much she’d had to drink before I’d climbed aboard. Considering she was our resident medical professional, I hoped no one needed CPR before the night was over.
Minutes later we debarked from The Cherry Bomb and went into the first stop on our pub crawl. Since they wouldn’t let me off the bus without it, I was wearing the ugly Dare shirt over my pretty blouse. Thankfully, we were at Coyote Ugly, so I knew I’d be able to bang out a couple of the ridiculous demands from my shirt’s checklist right away. I wanted to shed the damn thing and look semi cute for at least some of the pictures.
The minute we walked in, I knew there was going to be pandemonium. The place was packed, but we were quickly ushered toward reserved tables that earned us glares from many women and curiosity from scores of men.
“Hey, Bachelorette! Want to sew some wild oats?” I blinked in surprise at the large cowboy who was suddenly in my face.
“Don’t go away mad, Tex. Just go away.” Tamryn replied for me.
“Wait. Give me your number first.” I stopped and handed him the black marker. He looked confused. “Write your number on my shirt.”
“Alright.” He drawled and made a production of signing my boob right over my left nipple, copping a feel in the process.
“Hey!” I protested. A flash went off right next to my face and I heard the unmistakable sound of Lisa giggling. I glared at her.
“Now what?” The cowboy asked with a drunken grin.
“Now check that off my list.” I instructed him, and he complied.
“Why don’t you come sit on my lap?” He slurred, putting his arm around me. “We can talk about the first thing that comes up.”
He smelled like body odor and regret, and I tried not to make a face.
“Wow. That’s incredibly tempting.” I deadpanned.
“Fuck off.” Tamryn snapped at him, yanking me and the marker away from him. This elicited a surprised guffaw from me, since he was as tall as a tree and Tamryn was like five foot two in two inch heels. In her designer shoes and her carefully selected couture, she looked like she should be having drinks in some rooftop bar in Dallas not slumming it on Dirty Sixth. Joe’s sister, a petite, chestnut-haired hottie, didn’t look much like him, but she definitely shared his formidable temper. I was still laughing when we reached the tables and joined the rest of our party.
“Thanks for the assist.” I shouted in her ear. “I nearly got shit-faced smelling his breath.”
“I know. Like a contact buzz.” She agreed, pointing to my seat. We were waited on immediately, and started toasting with three bottles of mediocre champagne.
“To my favorite sister-in-law, finally finding somebody worthy of her sweetness” Robin slurred.
“Here here.” Dan seconded, and then made a horrific face as the champagne hit his taste buds.
“And to my brother.” Tamryn said after we’d all choked down toast number one. “For mustering up the good sense not to let this beautiful girl get away!”
“Awww.” I said, nearly tearing up as she moved in for a hug.
“To Joe and Molly finding a gorgeous little house so that I could move into Joe’s awesome apartment and have that rooftop terrace!” Kelly cheered, as loud music started playing.
“Lucky bitch. To men with big—” Jay started, but the Coyotes started dancing on the bar and I immediately stood and kicked off my heels. Dancing on a bar or a table was on my t-shirt’s list of dares, and I had a rep to protect. One of the patrons and a bouncer helped me onto the bar and the Coyotes gave out a loud ‘yeehaw’ as I made the world’s lamest attempt to keep up with their footwork. Finally, I just free-styled it, and the bar went wild. The cowboy was front row center and he took his hat off and waved it at me as if to fan off my hotness. I winked at him and he stumbled toward me and grabbed my leg nearly tripping me. The bouncer steadied me and pushed the cowboy back from the bar. The cowboy stumbled into a couple of girls behind him, making them spill their drinks. He recovered his footing and came back at the bouncer with his arm pulled back to swing. The guys accompanying the girls behind him came after him and a brawl ensued. I looked around for my friends and saw them collectively grabbing their things and heading for the door. Jay gestured for me to get the hell out of there and I scrambled past the Coyotes (who continued to dance as if random bedlam was a regular occurrence in their establishment) and a couple of nice looking guys in business suits helped me off the bar.
“That was some performance. Can we buy you a drink?” One of them asked. He had stylish glasses and a boyish grin.
“Sure, I guess. But not here.” I replied, looking over my shoulder at the flying fists. I gestured for them to follow me out.
“I gotta pay the tab.” I heard the other guy say.
“Where are we going?” The bespectacled one asked as he loosened his tie.
“Hell if I know. On the party bus,” I replied. His smile said ‘I’m game’.
“I’ll text you where we’re going!” He called to his friend who gave him a thumbs up.
We tromped up the steps of the party bus.
“I brought a boy or two!” I called to my entourage, who let out a collective cheer. I pointed to the make shift bar, and Mr. Loose-tie was welcomed aboard by Robin, who handed him a red Solo cup.
“Where to next?” I asked Dan.
“Barbarella’s, since it’s pretty damn obvious that Molly wants to dance!” Jay answered for him, and to my surprise, Dan nodded in agreement.
I saw Mr. Loose-tie pull out his phone. “What’s the address?”
“Here, I have it,” Slut One cooed, sidling up to him.
“Where are my shoes?” I asked, accepting the shot of tequila that Dan handed me.
“Jay has them,” Lisa said, not looking up from her phone.
“No, I got her purse. I thought you had them,” Jay replied.
“Y’all, those are my favorite shoes!” I huffed, and stood to leave the bus.
“Paul will get them for you.” Loose-tie said, and I assumed he meant his abandoned friend. “What do they look like?”
“Red, pointy stilettos,” I replied.
“Molly, Molly, Molly.” Jay shook his head. “How many times do I have to tell you that only whores and children can pull off red shoes?”
“Aren’t you supposed to do a shot with a hot guy?” Lisa asked, and I pulled the material of my shirt away from my chest to look at my list.
“Yep.”
“Don’t look now, but there’s a hot guy right there,” Lisa chided, pointing to Loose-tie.
“Hey, you,” I called.
“Yes, Molly?” he asked, and I frowned at him.
“How’d you know my name?” I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me. He seemed very fixated on me, and I figured I needed to pawn him off on one of the sluts ASAP.
“The guy with the red hair just said it several times.” He laughed, and I felt asinine. It wasn’t as if I weren’t surrounded by trusted friends.
Lisa was right. He had a nice smile and was hot-ish, so I could get rid of another task. Wea
ring the tacky t-shirt was like having a ‘fuck with me’ spotlight trained on me, and the sooner it was gone, the better.
“Do a shot with me,” I commanded, and he nodded and shed his jacket. Cheers went up as if he’d just ripped his pants off stripper-style.
“All y’all really need to get out more,” I murmured.
“So...a body shot?” Loose-tie asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Now we’re talking!” Stacy called over the music.
“Uhhh...” I downed my tequila to buy myself a minute to think of a nice way to say no.
“Body shot, body shot,” Sluts One and Two chanted.
“Extra points for a body shot!” Tamryn called, taking a shot of her own.
“Shit,” I muttered to myself. Everyone eyed me eagerly. “Fine, fine.”
“Where do you want the salt?” Loose-tie asked, and I felt the bus begin to move.
“What are my options?’ I asked, genuinely having no idea. I hadn’t gone to a traditional college, so I missed a lot of the standard party school education.
“Well,” Stacy interjected “usually in mixed company it’s the stomach, neck, or cleavage...”
“Uhhh...I stalled, looking at Robin for an assist. She was usually the one who’d come to my defense so I didn’t have to be the bad guy. Sadly, she just nodded and smiled like a lunatic. I sighed and considered which would be the least obnoxious. “Neck?”
“Open your mouth.” Dan instructed. I did as he asked and he popped a lime into it. It stood there, feeling idiotic as Stacy pushed my head to the side and sprinkled salt on my neck.
“This is awkward.” I tried to say, but it came out garbled since my teeth were busy holding a bitter lime rind in place. I saw the phones coming out all around me, and was about to back out when Loose-tie moved in and licked the salt of my neck. It seemed to take longer than it should have. He tossed back his shot and then his arms came around me. The bus jerked and he dipped me back. His mouth was on mine as he removed the juice from the lime. My supportive friends cheered like savages at a virgin sacrifice.
“Alright, alright. Break it up, Pal.” Tamryn snapped, and Loose-tie released me and stepped back.
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