by Shey Stahl
“No!” My fist came down on my steering wheel. “Don’t go putting that shit on me. I never said I was done. You’re the one who cheated on me and left before I could say anything.”
She wanted me to feel bad about her next set of words. I knew it but she didn’t. “You cheated on me first.”
Of course she went there. Most women would.
“We were seventeen, Lily. Seventeen years old. And I made a vow to you. Promised to remain faithful to you. Guess that doesn’t mean a damn thing, does it?”
She said nothing and I knew she was about to hang up on me.
“You hang up on me and we’re done,” I warned.
“We were done when you got back in that car.”
Her words finally made everything clear. Her betrayal, her anger. I never thought someone like Lily would go for revenge, but I’d guessed wrong.
Axel
Fast Time - The time for the driver who had the fastest lap during qualifying.
THE ONLY WAY I COULD focus was to throw myself into racing one-hundred percent.
So that’s what I did. At times I felt myself struggle and looked to the one man who never seemed to know the meaning of defeat.
When my mom was pregnant with me, she was attacked by a rival driver of my dad’s. Despite that, my dad went on to win the championship that year. In his rookie year, it should have been unheard of, but he did it.
“How did you do that?” I asked as we sat in the truck heading to Calistoga for the two-night show there. Miles upon miles of open wine country surrounded us. The closer we got to Calistoga, the more the roads became tighter with sharp hairpin turns out of nowhere.
Dad’s eyes never moved from the highway. “What?”
I stared out the window. “Win so much when your mind was elsewhere?”
“My rookie year…” He nodded, seeming to know what I was talking about now. The memory seemed to wash over him. “It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t able to see it that way until your mom threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t get my shit together.”
“What did she say?”
“Well…” His right hand dropped from the steering wheel to his water bottle in the cup holder. “She was on bed rest with you. She had basically been granted a front row ticket to me letting my anger get the best of me. I was on probation and one race away from being suspended for the year. I was mad. No…I was pissed off that here I had it all, yet Darrin tried to take that from me. Your mom is my entire world and you…well, Darrin nearly took the both of you from me. I had forgotten about everything and focused on what was taken, not what was right in front of my face. After she talked to me, I realized that yeah, Darrin crossed a line, but it didn’t mean I had to give up on my dream.”
Who did I have to tell me that?
Certainly not my wife. She wanted me to give up.
Understanding I was comparing myself to him, he continued. “You’re different, bud. Everyone reacts differently to pressure. No one thinks any less of you for not winning.”
I shook my head. He wasn’t seeing this the way I needed him to. “The problem is that I do. I can’t pull this off and that…I just…why can’t I do it? I have the cars, the team, the owner, but I can’t do it like you, or Rager, why?”
“I wish I had the answer for you, but I don’t. You have the talent, but I think there’s a certain amount of winning in the Outlaw series that comes with track position and a certain amount of luck, too.”
He was right. Luck. It didn’t seem I had any at times.
“It’s always track position and hunger. I know you want to win, but where I might just lay it all out, you’ll be more conservative.”
I understood what he was saying, I did. But it didn’t make sense to me and left me open to looking at myself. All the time. Why was he able to push it to the limit right before it slipped and held it there, but yet, I couldn’t?
We all had the same engines, same equipment, shared setups. It never made a lot of sense to me why Dad and Rager would be so dominant, yet I wasn’t. I was a mid-pack car at best most nights. My dad, he always found a way to get that forward bite out of his car.
I didn’t.
“I get what you’re saying...” I said, scratching the side of my jaw and slouching a little in the seat.
“We run different set ups, bud. Where I’m comfortable, you’re not. Where you like your car neutral, I can’t drive a car like that. It all depends on track position, moisture in the track and the lines that open up.”
“I know.”
“It’s a gamble every night on the start you get, if you spin the tires, lapped traffic…” He could go on forever and he knew it.
It felt good to talk racing with my dad. A change from the night I punched him in the face.
When I was younger, we would sit and talk for hours like this, kind of like Jack and I would. It never failed, no matter what day it was, something would remind me of him.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in deeply and smiled. For once, I smiled remembering him. In his short time, he’d managed to bring such joy to my life. That was worth smiling about.
ALTHOUGH I WAS AT the track and surrounded by distractions, I missed my boys, especially after talking racing with my dad for hundreds of miles.
I often wondered what they were thinking. They knew Jack was gone, but I wondered what they thought since they were living with their mom in Indiana and only seeing me every other weekend, at best.
Lily wouldn’t let them fly to see me, even if my mom flew with them—especially if my mom flew with them. After the funeral and their blow-up, I knew the tension of that day wasn’t going to fade, and in turn, Lily didn’t want the boys with my parents if I wasn’t there. I had to respect her wishes on that one.
Later that night, when we arrived at the hotel, I stepped outside and called Justin since he wasn’t racing with the Outlaws this year and I knew he wouldn’t hang up on me. I wanted to talk to the boys and every time I called Lily, she either didn’t answer or we ended up arguing and she’d hang up on me.
Waiting for him to respond, I leaned my elbows on the wooden rail of the balcony overlooking the pool. Bright coral blue sent flickers of light that danced on my skin. My left hand gripped the wood and I noticed the ring still on my finger. Thinking of the ring she wasn’t wearing sent a pain to my chest and a kick to my heart wondering if she was seeing anyone. Had she moved on completely?
Lane, Tommy, Rager and Willie were down there in the hot tub, laughing at something Willie was saying. It made me smile for a moment and then I stepped back away from the railing and leaned against the wall.
“Daddy? That you?” Jonah answered the phone and he sounded so much like Jack right then I gasped, unable to answer him.
“Yeah.” I swallowed and then cleared my throat. “It’s me. How’s my little buddy doing?”
“I hit the ball today!”
Jonah had become my little baseball player. Loved it even more than racing. Lily’s younger brother, Kale, was into it all through high school, too. “Uncle Kale’s teachin’ me.”
“That’s great, Jonah. I can’t wait to see it.”
He put Jacen on the phone, but all I heard was “Hi Daddy,” a few times and “Jonah hit ball.”
It tugged on my heart to hear them talking and going about their lives without me there. It was different from just being on the road again. It was the fact that they wouldn’t be there when I got home and I didn’t know when I would see them again.
“Hey, Jonah, put mommy on the phone.”
“Here Mommy.”
He must have handed the phone back to Justin, or Lily refused to take the call, because Justin picked it up. “Hey, Axel, Lily’s in the shower.”
Bullshit. “I know she isn’t in the goddamn shower.”
Justin sighed. “I know…just give her some time.”
“I have, Justin. I gave her six-hundred miles and she can’t even talk to me.”
Justin sighed, again, the sound torme
nted and I knew that even though Lily was his daughter, he didn’t agree with what she was doing.
“Well, tell her I want to see my kids when I get back.”
“I will.”
And the conversation ended. Nothing else.
AFTER THE WEST COAST trip, it was a day nearing the end of April when Lily sent the divorce papers back again with sticky notes where I needed to sign and return them. I didn’t sign them. Instead, I ripped them up, threw them on the fire pit out back, and sent her a picture of it.
That got her attention. She finally called me after that. It was the first time I’d heard from her since she hung up on me over a month earlier.
“Are you going to sign the papers?” That was how she answered the phone when I picked up. No “Hello,” or “Hey, sorry about taking your kids out of state and running away.”
Nothing. Just sign the damn papers.
“No, I’m not going to sign them.” I laughed, my tone anything but entertained. “I’m going to keep sending them back to you. Well, not these ones because there’s only ash left, but the next ones, yup, sending them back.”
By the deep sigh that followed, I knew she was pissed at my cool manner. “Just say it’s over, Axel.”
“No. I won’t. Because it’s not over for me.”
I had a hard time believing she couldn’t understand that. She assumed I would be.
“I don’t understand why you would do this. We have a life together, Lily, and three amazing children.” I tried to reason with her since really, this was our first time talking since she left, well, first time she hadn’t hung up on me.
“We had three children, Axel.” Lily practically spat the words through the phone.
Of course she would say that.
Holding the phone away from my face, I groaned and reached for the bottle in the liquor cabinet. Bringing the phone back, I told her, “I want to see my boys.”
It took her a moment to reply and I could tell she was crying. “My dad will meet you in Charleston.”
And then she hung up on me.
Tossing my phone aside, I brought the bottle to my mouth. It was right then, when the heaviness of what I had lost hit me. It was like hitting a brick wall head on and nothing gave.
I should have cried. I wanted to, but the tears wouldn’t come. I wanted the relief I thought they would provide. It made me feel guilty that after everything, I hadn’t cried. I was a sad fucking county song for sure.
My kid died.
My wife cheated on me with my best friend and left with my boys.
If I had a dog, the fucker probably would have ran away.
Then, at that moment, was what I was left with. Surround by empty bottles, broken glass and no laughter.
Axel
Disqualified - Where a competitor is removed from the results, usually in penalty for a technical infringement.
IT WAS OVER A MONTH after Lily left that I finally got to see the boys. I met Justin in Charleston on Wednesday and then it was another five hours back to Mooresville, only to have them until Saturday when I had to leave again. Then I was on the road for three weeks straight and wouldn’t see them unless Lily would let them come to the track. Which I knew was out of the question.
We met at a truck stop off the highway, both boys running to me, smiling with their little backpacks on.
I’m the weekend dad. When the hell did that happen? Why wasn’t I the dad who walked through the front door at five-o’clock to see his kids running for him?
Hugging them tightly, I gave Justin a nod, as he did the same and then headed south.
Wanting to do something fun for the boys, I took them on the lake when we got back to town. Spring was here, with everything in bloom and the air warming up. Wasn’t quite warming the lake just yet but it was nice to relax.
Watching them that afternoon made me realize how much I missed them. Jonah had grown at least an inch, his hair was lighter while Jacen’s was looking less like a toddler and more like a little kid, his hair a few shades darker than Jonah’s. They sat side by side, throwing out a line off the side of the boat. Music gave the beats of every other summer we had out here as a family. Only now it was completely different.
“I miss you guys,” I said, breaking the silence.
Jacen looked over at me, pink cheeks and bright blue eyes that smiled. The way he looked at me reminded me of Jack, his eyes, facial expressions, curiosity, all of it. His innocence was there too, but sadly, so was his awareness for the situation. By the way his eyes danced around the obvious, them being in Indiana and me here, the only place they had ever called home, they knew what happened.
“Love you, Daddy,” Jacen said. He was that kid lately if he thought you were sad, or mad, he wanted to make you feel better or sympathize. He carried your pain. For being a kid, I hated he felt the need to even do that. He was three years old. He should be worried about what he wanted for his birthday or if he could have dessert after dinner. Not whether his parents were going to make it or if his mother could go a day without crying.
“Do we get to stay with you now?” Jonah asked, staring at his fishing pole, the one that used to be Jack’s. Jack gave it to him on his fourth birthday.
“No…you’re in school there, right?” Jonah nodded, his eyes never leaving his pole. I knew Lily had enrolled them both in preschool at the church in Hillsboro a few days a week. “I’m gonna take you back Saturday night and then I’m leaving for Ohio. I’ll see you after I get back though.”
Some teenagers flew past us in a boat, music blaring, raising their drinks. “Riley!”
It was known that I lived on this lake, and most these people were fans.
Raising the beer in my hand, I smiled, nodding to the kids and Jonah laughed, the sound drawing my eyes toward him. “Crazy kids, huh?”
“Yeah,” He stood from his place and walked over to the edge of the boat, taking his pole out of the water. “I’m hungry. Can we go eat?”
“Wanna go back to the house and cook some hamburgers?”
“I want a hot dog,” Jacen piped in, coming over to sit on my lap.
Just as I reached around him to start the boat, another boat pulled alongside us. “Hey boys.” Bailey, Lane’s wife, said. It was her, Rager, Abigale and Lane in Lane’s boat.
“What’s up?” Lane gave me a nod. “You guys headin’ in?”
“Yeah, boys are hungry.”
Jacen moved from my lap and stood by the edge, his legs a little wobbly. “We’re eating hot dogs.”
“I love hot dogs,” Lane said, smiling at Jacen. “Can I have one?”
Jacen shrugged and looked at me. “I think so.”
I started the boat. “Meet us over there.”
When we made it to the dock, the boys barreled up the planks, barefoot and laughing with Abigale. I tied the boat to the dock and Lane did the same. Bailey hung back with me when Rager and Lane started to walk up to the house.
“How are you holding up?” she asked, gauging my mood.
Shrugging, I kept walking. “Lily keeps sending me divorce papers and this is the first time I’ve seen my kids since she left me.” I turned, walking backwards, flashing a fake smile. “Pretty good, don’t you think?”
Shaking her head, she let out a forced laugh. “Yeah…sounds like it.” And then I knew what she was about to say and I wanted to cover her mouth. But I didn’t. “Have you talked to Shane?”
I rolled my eyes and turned around. “Nope.”
I hated the way everyone was pressuring me to talk to him. I understood why, but it didn’t mean I liked it.
I’D AVOIDED SHANE for two months. If he walked my way, I walked the other way. I didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say to him. I was sure of that.
In May, at a two-night show in Eldora, that changed. For much of the season Shane had struggled to contend for wins. I didn’t feel bad for him. Not one bit. And I wasn’t going to give anymore. It was in the heat race when he made a dive-bom
bing move into turn three sliding up across the track. I basically had to stand on the brakes, and lost the win because of him.
On the track, it was clear neither of us gave room. Believe it or not, he was just as aggressive as I was. We’d wrecked with each other four times since that night and every time it could have been avoided.
I wasn’t in the mood for that shit and was way more aggressive than I had been. I won the last four feature events and I didn’t want him changing that now.
We were forced to talk one afternoon by officials who said if we didn’t, I would be suspended for unsportsman like conduct.
That just seemed stupid to me. Did they not realize he’d slept with my wife? In my mind, I had every right to be aggressive toward him. And more importantly, look at that move on the track.
I waited until we were inside his hauler and instantly, I was sick to my stomach thinking of the last time I was in here. Not a lot was said with words. I lost my head and hit him.
After an actual fistfight from the two of us, we sat on the floor in his hauler, finally talking. Well, he was talking. I was just pissed.
“There is absolutely nothing I can say to you that’s going to take back what I did. I know that. I was an idiot.” Shane shook his head, fisting his hands in the front of his hair. “I hurt you, Lily, my wife, our families and I’m forever sorry for that.”
I swallowed over the lump in my throat, my hands shaking. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like I could just say, “I understand,” or worse, “Hey, man, it’s okay that you fucked my wife.”
I didn’t understand. I never would.
It wasn’t okay. It never would be.
Shane must have sensed he was making this worse. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”
Did I?
In some ways, yes, I did. In others, no, I wanted my friend back.
Staring at my hands, my voice wouldn’t come. And when it did, it didn’t even sound like me. It sounded like a man who’d been beaten down completely. “How could you do that to me?”