* * * * *
“I love burritos,” commented Private Garcia. “This is the highlight of my day.” “I hate the beans,” replied Private Camacho. “You eat too much. I wish you would you cut back on beans, too.” “I agree with that,” said Private Wayne, as he sat at another table. “You human pestilence smell bad enough as it is.” “Whatever,” said Private Garcia, leaning to the side and letting another fart rip, just to irritate Wayne. “Stay alert,” advised Private Wayne. “This isn’t a vacation.” “Yes, sir!” replied Private Camacho, sarcastically. He hated that bossy spider. The paranoid bastard thought he was still a general or whatever. But it was too nice a day for anything or anyone to spoil the mood.
Camacho looked lazily about as he reclined in his chair. Then he saw the scorpion slowly creeping towards them. The scorpion seemed in a trance, eyes focused on the legionnaires. Private Camacho jumped up, pointing his rifle. “Claws in the air! Do It now! And tuck that tail in your pocket, or I’ll cut it off!”
Chairs and tables were knocked aside as legionnaires scrambled to surround the terrorist scorpion. Camacho shoved the scorpion against the wall where it assumed the frisk position. He found the grenade in a pocket. In anger, Camacho struck the scorpion on the back of the head with his rifle butt. The scorpion crumpled to the ground, but slowly got back up and grabbed the wall again.
“What were you going to do with that grenade?” asked Private Camacho. “Are you scorpions joining the insurgency now?”
“Not yet,” answered the scorpion. “But we will if we can’t get justice from the Legion.”
“You will get justice soon enough,” commented Private Wayne, pulling out a long jagged combat knife. “How about I give you justice right now?”
“Screw you, spider!” yelled the young scorpion.
“You were going to throw that grenade at us?” asked Private Camacho, striking the scorpion again with his rifle butt. “You are one dead scorpion walking!”
“No,” said the scorpion. He pointed back at Private Garcia. “I just wanted to talk to him!”
“What?” asked Private Garcia. “I don’t know you or any other of you miserable scorpions. What would you want to talk to me about?” “Are you Tony the Toe?” asked the scorpion. “Are you Italian?” “I am Tony the Toe,” replied Private Garcia. He relished hearing his old name again. “And I am part Italian. What’s it to you?” “I heard you are connected,” explained the scorpion. “I want to be connected, too. I want you to contact the Mafia for me.” “You’re a fool,” said Private Garcia. “There is no such thing as the Mafia. You’ve been watching too many gangster movies on Satellite TV. Don’t believe everything you see on the tube.”
“You are connected,” insisted the scorpion. “Everyone knows that. I need to purchase weapons to start a militia. You can set that up with your friends. We have lots of cash.”
“I used to have some gambling connections,” said Private Garcia. “But sell guns to insurgents? No way. You’re not only stupid, you’re stupid and crazy. I am a legionnaire. Why would I help you buy guns to make it easier for you to kill me?”
“The militia needs the guns to get justice from the spiders,” said the scorpion. “The Empire holds thousands of our MIAs from the war. We want our mates back. If they are not returned soon, things are going to get real hot here along the border. We will kill every spider in the New Gobi Desert. You can either be with us or against us.”
“You are under arrest for treason and terrorism,” advised Private Garcia, placing the scorpion into restraints. “Tell your sad story to Military Intelligence or someone who cares, because I surely don’t.”
They took the young scorpion to the sheriff’s office for questioning. After intense interrogation, Major Lopez released him to the scorpion XO.
Chapter 8
Weapons and explosives captured from the scorpions on the Asteroid XYP were supposed to be inventoried and then destroyed. Instead, the weapons were transported back to New Colorado where they were stored in a barn at Major Lopez’s hacienda. After the failed conference, Major Lopez sold the arms to the scorpion XO. The XO immediately sent heavily armed commandos from the hacienda to attack the Arthropodan oil refinery and tank farm on the spider side of New Gobi City.
The commandos could tirelessly run at sixty miles per hour across the desert carrying full combat gear and supplies. They were perfect infantry. They attacked the refinery in the early morning hours, overwhelming light security and setting explosive charges. The refinery and tank farm blew up in a spectacular fireball. The scorpions retreated safely into the desert night after inflicting minimal casualties and seizing hostages. During daylight, they hid by burrowing underground. At night they ran until they reached Jellystone.
The spider response was immediate. Fighter bombers swooped down on Scorpion City, destroying the main business district. Most scorpions lived and worked underground, so loss of life was not great. However, damage to Walmart, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and the brand new KFC was a total loss. The only aboveground buildings spared were Legion Headquarters and the newly built sheriff’s office.
I was awakened by the explosions at the refinery. It was quite a sight that lit up the sky, turning night to day. General Daly called me for an update. “Quite frankly I don’t blame the spiders for bombing Scorpion City,” commented General Daly. “I suppose you could call them even now. But damn it, Walmart and McDonald’s are American corporations. We can’t tolerate that sort of thing. It sets a bad precedent. You are to put the fear of God into those scorpions to make sure they don’t provoke any more retaliation from the spiders. I’ll try talking to the spider commander. I’m meeting with him for a round of golf this afternoon. If that doesn’t help, we may need to apply more pressure.”
“Yes, sir,” I said. “I’ll take care of it. Anything else?”
“Yes,” said General Daly. “Speaking of McDonald’s, do you remember all that good press we got from Private Wayne eating Big Macs in combat on Asteroid XYP? McDonald’s is expanding their advertising campaign using Wayne’s image. They think their ads will be more effective if Wayne is promoted to corporal. Just do it.”
“Yes, sir,” I responded.
“Another thing,” said General Daly. “I never did get a chance to chew your ass about the spectacle you caused at the Oil Summit Conference. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Sir, that was not my fault.”
“Not your fault? I’ve heard all those rumors about you and alien females. This proves they’re not just rumors. Can’t you keep your pants on for two seconds?”
“Sir, that female scorpion sprayed me with acid and stung me. I could have died.”
“I don’t want to hear your lame excuses! Christ, man! I expect my officers to maintain at least a modicum of decorum, especially when they are participating in high-level negotiations. How did you ever get promoted to colonel?”
“I’m a highly decorated Hero of the Legion and have saved the world at least twice,” I answered. “I am a warrior. I can’t help it if shit happens once in a while.”
“Once in a while? I’d put you in for counseling, but I see in your file that General Kalipetsis already tried that without success. The shrink called you an incorrigible pervert.”
“She just didn’t like me,” I complained. “It’s not fair that slander is still in my file after all this time.”
“Do you still have a drinking problem on top of everything else?” asked General Daly. “Maybe I should replace you with Major Lopez.”
“I quit drinking just last week,” I said. “It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.”
“That’s not funny,” said General Daly. “Square your shit away, because if I have to come to Scorpion City in person, you won’t like the changes I will be forced to make.”
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “And I still want the attack on those marines at the Angry Onion investigated! I want to know who set off that grenade!�
�� “Major Lopez is handling that investigation.” “Tell Lopez I want a report on my desk today!” As General Daly disconnected, Major Lopez entered my office. “How was that scorpion babe?” he asked. “They sure have nasty stingers, don’t they?”
“If you really want to know about scorpion babes, I can get you a date with her sister.”
“No, thank you,” replied Major Lopez, crossing himself in horror. “I’m catholic. It would be a sin!”
“And we all know you are a saint.” I shot him a hard look. “Have you and your CIA buddies been supplying the scorpions with weapons and explosives?”
“Why do you ask that?” Lopez asked defensively. “They could have gotten those explosives from anywhere.”
“Look at that mess out there!” I said, pointing out my window at the refinery fire. “And no one even bothered to tell General Daly!”
“Daly is a pencil pusher. The CIA wants the spiders kept off balance. The Arthropodan Empire is still the greatest threat to New Colorado, even if they are allies. The scorpions are nothing to fear.”
“You rein in your pet scorpions, or I’ll nuke Scorpion City myself!” I threatened. “And I’ll bomb your hacienda, too. I know for a fact you’re not just raising oranges out there.”
“Okay, okay,” said Lopez. “But those spiders need to release the MIAs. That’s not right what they’re doing. You know that.”
“General Daly is working on that,” I promised. “We will at least get the Red Cross to Arthropoda for inspections. That alone should get the MIAs accounted for and improve living conditions – and maybe even get them out of the mines.”
* * * * *
When further negotiations stalled, I ordered the scorpion commander and his XO arrested and thrown into the Scorpion City County Jail on charges of being undesirables on New Colorado.
* * * * *
“You are responsible for getting us arrested and thrown in jail,” accused the scorpion commander. “First you rob a bank. But that’s not good enough for you, is it? Then you have to start a war, too? A war we can’t win, I might add!”
“Quiet!” warned the XO. “These walls have ears.” “I don’t care what the Legion hears!” complained the scorpion commander. “The Legion will do with us as they please anyway.” “Major Lopez will get us out of here,” whispered the XO. “Oh? Why would Lopez do that? Do you think he actually cares about our welfare?” “Probably not,” answered the XO, after giving that some thought. “But he did help us get our weapons back. Whether he cares about us is not important.”
“Exactly my point,” said the scorpion commander. “But he won’t just leave us here,” said the XO. “We know too much about his activities.” “He will probably have us executed. We can always be replaced. We are nothing to Lopez and the humans.” A small window slide in the cell door opened. Someone tossed in a fragmentation grenade. It rolled across the floor before spinning to a stop. The scorpion commander and the XO frantically scrambled to the far corner, pulling mattresses up for protection. They waited for the explosion, expecting to die. Nothing happened. As the timer counted down to zero, the grenade sounded with a solitary beep.
“I think it’s a dud,” said the XO, lowering his mattress and rising up for a peek.
“Stop!” warned the scorpion commander. “Legion grenades sometimes have motion detectors that set them off. We learned that the hard way on XYP.”
The two waited, staying very still until lunch time. The rattling of keys followed by the dropping of the cell door cuff port signaled the arrival of food trays and American bologna sandwiches.
“Get up and stand at the door, or you don’t eat!” yelled a deputy jailer. “Snooze and you lose!”
“Someone threw a grenade into our cell!” shouted the scorpion commander. “I think it’s a dud, but be careful with it.”
The cell door cracked open. Two deputy jailers, one human and one scorpion, entered to investigate. The human jailer picked up the grenade and examined it. The scorpion commander and his XO shrunk as far back into the corner as possible, using their mattresses for cover.
“I’m keeping this bad boy,” said the human jailer, as he reset the timer and slipped the grenade into his pocket. “I always wanted one of these. I could do some serious damage to my asshole neighbor’s mailbox with this. I’ll teach those kids to play their music so loud.”
“Who threw that grenade into our cell?” asked the scorpion commander. “Did you see anyone?”
“Two legionnaires were up on the tiers doing interrogations earlier this morning,” advised the scorpion jailer. “It might have been them.”
“Did you recognize either?” asked the XO. “Was one of the legionnaires Major Lopez?”
“They don’t need to know anything about staff,” said the human jailer, abruptly. “It was probably just someone’s idea of a sick joke.”
“The matter will be looked into,” promised the scorpion jailer. They left, slamming the cell door and cuff port.
“Hey!” yelled the XO. “Where’s our trays? You forgot our lunch. You traitor! You better not eat my bologna!”
* * * * *
A week later, Sergeant Williams entered the scorpions’ jail cell and set up a TV monitor for them to watch. They were presented with a live broadcast from Arthropodan Inhabited Planet #4. A seated scorpion lieutenant stared out from the screen, talking in a monotone. “I was captured by Arthropodan marines on Asteroid XYP. I have been treated well, and my wounds have received proper medical attention. I have been required to do light aboveground labor in the planet’s mining district. I am in good health, as are my comrades. Our attack on peaceful Arthropoda was a despicable cowardly act, ordered by my corrupt warmongering imperialist dog government. I renounce our cowardly attack, and wish to remain here on Inhabited Planet #4 as a way to make personal restitution and to atone for our crimes committed against the peace-loving citizens of Arthropoda.”
“What do you think?” asked Sergeant Williams, as he turned the TV monitor off. “Good stuff?”
“I think that video will only inflame our population more,” commented the scorpion commander. “I cannot promise that I can restrain them any longer.”
“I wasn’t too impressed either,” agreed Sergeant Williams. “But try anyway. Also, the spiders demand that you release hostages immediately, or there will be severe consequences.”
“As an act of good faith, I request the spiders release a complete list of all our soldiers in their custody,” said the scorpion commander. “And I insist all prisoners be transported to Asteroid XYP.”
“That sounds reasonable to me,” said Sergeant Williams. “I’ll pass that along.” “Do you know who threw a grenade into our cell?” asked the XO. “No,” replied Sergeant Williams. “It could have been anyone.” “Can we keep the TV?” asked the XO. “Can we get cable TV in this jail?” “I’ll talk to the sheriff about setting up satellite TV for you,” promised Sergeant Williams. “I want the Wildlife Nature Channel,” the scorpion commander said. “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse. Has our arrest made the news yet?”
“Not yet,” replied Sergeant Williams. “Publicity won’t be helpful to your cause.”
“I want to talk to Phil Coen of Channel Five World News Tonight,” demanded the scorpion commander. “And I want access to my email.”
“No,” said Sergeant Williams. “There are security concerns.” “I’ve been nice so far,” said the scorpion commander. “That can change.” “Do not make threats,” warned Sergeant Williams. “We are allies.” “You put your allies in jail?” asked the XO. “Yes, if they become dangerous. Remember, you did not come to New Colorado in peace. It is only reasonable that some do not trust you. Your Americanization will take time.”
“We are citizens now!” shouted the scorpion commander. “Either strip me of my citizenship or guarantee our Constitutional right to access email!”
“If you would stop robbing banks and attacking the sp
iders across the MDL, you might get better treatment,” said Sergeant Williams. “I have no sympathy for your plight.”
“The United States Galactic Federation should be demanding the return of our MIAs,” said the XO. “We feel abandoned on that issue.”
“I was assured that the USGF is working hard for the return of your MIAs. The Legion will get the MIAs back.” “Let me join the Foreign Legion,” said the XO. “I’m willing to fight.” “What?” asked Sergeant Williams. “Allow scorpions in the Legion? No way. That’ll be the day.” “That day is coming soon,” promised the scorpion commander. “Or else.” After Sergeant Williams left, the spider deputy jailer brought them a communications pad. “Sergeant Williams told me to give this to you for email,” commented the scorpion jailer. “The sheriff agrees you have a Constitutional right to reasonable contact with the outside world. Don’t cause us any trouble.”
“Thank you,” said the XO. “I apologize for calling you a traitor earlier. “Can we have some extra coffee? Can we get Starbucks in here?”
“No!” replied the scorpion jailer, slamming the cuff port.
“Prick,” yelled the XO. “You have bologna on your breath!”
The scorpion commander looked at his communications pad. It was a small victory, but there was no one he wanted to send an email to. Surely the Legion was monitoring all communications, and only gave them the communications pad so others could be incriminated and arrested. The scorpion commander thought about calling Channel Five World News Tonight and granting an interview with Phil Coen about this injustice. Later. For now, the publicity might hurt behind-the-scenes negotiations. He tossed the communications pad to his XO, who immediately began surfing the galactic database.
Allies Page 6