He’s right. I can do this. I want to do this, it’s what I’ve been building up to since I was fourteen. I owe this to that version of me, the me I am today, and to the future me I hope to be with Matty. I smile, looking at the circle of chairs in the centre of the room. Bitch, you got this.
Breathe.
“I see you’ve brought the letters.”
“I did. I’m most nervous about this part.” I gesture to the package held together by both red and blue ribbons sitting on the chair I’ve reserved as mine for the night. Ribbons whose colours I’d chosen specifically for Matt, ones with meaning.
“You’ll be wonderful, Claire, don’t stress. We’re all here to support you. Now, I better go and set out the cookies before Verna sends the cavalry to find me,” he smiles, before leaving me to drink my coffee and chat with the other group members.
Chapter 34
Matt
“Shit,” I mutter, typing out a quick text to Claire.
I’m late; it’s ten after seven. I was supposed to meet her at seven at this secret rendezvous thingy of hers. I still have no idea what the hell she’s got planned; she’s kept this shit on lockdown, hard. Claire wouldn’t tell me what we’re doing tonight no matter how hard I tried or how persuasive I was. She kept telling me it was a big step and one she hopes I’m proud of her for making, a step she says was a long time coming. Knowing how much of a big deal tonight is, and being late, I grip the Jeep’s steering wheel tighter, knowing I’m probably letting her down, the last thing I want to be doing.
“Damn it!” I smack my hand on the wheel. Motherfucking train. Hopefully I don’t miss too much of whatever she’s got planned for tonight.
After what feels like days, I finally pull into the parking lot that’s attached to the address she’s given me. That’s when I realize it’s The Centre. How the hell I missed that is beyond me, especially since I’ve been here a few times myself with Ryker and Levi helping out with different events over the years; it’s a community centre where many after-school boys and girls clubs take place. The Eddison brothers play a huge part in running the programs as well as various sport clinics.
Being late, I ended up with a shitty parking spot at the lot’s far end. Smoothing down my short-sleeved light blue dress shirt, I adjust the waist of my khaki cargo shorts and make my way across the lot to the centre’s entrance.
Once inside, I admit I’m a little lost. Without any of the daytime staff around I have no clue where I’m supposed to be going. Pulling out my phone, intent to text Claire, I’m stopped by a friendly voice approaching.
“You’re new, I see.” A friendly laugh splays across the man’s lips.
“It’s that obvious, eh?”
“Only because we don’t get too many new folks out on a Sunday, unless they’ve been invited. Sundays are our special meetings,” he says politely, and I can’t help wondering what the hell is going on here. I’m not gonna lie, the thought that Claire has maybe joined a cult does cross my mind.
“Can I help you find something or someone?” he asks, shaking me from my ridiculous thoughts. I know I’m being crazy, because I don’t think a cult leader carrying a tray of what looks like homemade cookies would be the norm for the main man, especially one who’s older with a friendly smile and warm charming eyes. Or maybe that’s exactly what a cult leader would look like?
“Yeah, sorry. Hi. I’d like some help, actually. I’m pretty sure I’m in the right place. I’m looking for my girlfriend, Claire Knox. She told me to meet her here. I’m a bit late.” I smile nervously, because, shit, I’m nervous, I have no idea why she would be here at seven on a Sunday night. Maybe she’s joined Alcoholics Anonymous? They serve cookies at their meetings, don’t they? I’m more than ready to find out…even if it does turn out that I’ve just come face-to-face with her cult’s Grand Poobah who’s about to lead me to my doom.
“You must be the famous Matt.” He extends his hand for me to shake. “I’m Nick. I’ve heard a lot about you, you’re a big deal to that girl. Now come on and follow me, we’re just getting started. She’s been waiting for you. We’ve all been looking forward to tonight, to meeting you, as well. You’re a lucky man, son. Claire’s a special girl.”
My shoulders relax with his assessment of my girl, and the friendly way he speaks about her.
“Yes, I’m Matt, nice to meet you.” I shake his hand. “I’ve gotta say, I think you have me at a disadvantage here. I have no idea what’s going on or who you are, but if you’re gonna take me to my girl then lead the way. And, yeah, she’s incredible, I agree.” He claps my shoulder, laughing, before he turns for me to follow him.
“I see why you’re a big deal, Matt. I like you already,” Nick calls over his shoulder as I follow the older gentleman down a set of stairs to what looks like the basement.
“Well, that’s good, I think,” I add.
From what I remember, there are a few meeting rooms and offices down here, ones that can be rented out to the community for a variety of events. Following behind, I spot a few of the rooms in use. One looks to be some sort of knitting class, while the other across the hall has sets of easels arranged in a circle.
Following Nick to the end of the hall, I stop at the threshold of the room he just entered. It’s a smaller room, with a group of chairs in the centre of the floor, about twenty five chairs forming a circle. Scanning the room, I see Nick set the tray of cookies on a table. He fusses, repositioning a large coffee urn and tea pot before placing paper cups and everything else you’d need for your beverage beside it. This really is looking more and more like an A. A. meeting…
Shifting my gaze to the front of the room, I spot Claire immediately. She’s speaking with an older gentleman and looks radiant in a light blue dress with a white cardigan over top, laughing at whatever the man is saying. I love seeing her like this—relaxed and happy. There’s a small congregation of people scattered around the room, some standing, others sitting. I guess I’m not as late as I thought, thankfully. As if sensing my presence, Claire lifts her head, her eyes moving to the door where I’m still hovering, her face lighting up when she registers me.
“Matty, you’re here,” she says, rushing over to me. “Just in time, too. I’m up first tonight. It’s my first time really sharing, but I’m ready. Totally ready, now that you’re here, hero,” she says genuinely, and I laugh at the newly-coined pet name she’s had for me since the other night. There’s a nervous energy that’s bouncing from her to me. “Come. Sit. Follow me.” She pulls me after her. I don’t get a chance to respond before she’s got us sitting in the circle, all the others following suit.
“What is this place, baby?” I whisper, placing my hand on her knee as we sit side-by-side.
“All will be revealed soon, my love, trust me.” She taps the back of my hand playfully, despite how nervous I can see she is.
“Is this more Wizard of Oz shit?”
“All will be revealed in time, young Dorothy,” she teases, looking straight ahead, ignoring the dirty look I’m sure I’m giving her, although I secretly love being her Dorothy. Before I can reply that I’d trust her with my life, Nick stands to address the circle.
“Welcome, friends and loved ones,” he nods, offering smiles all around. I still have no idea what all these people are here for, but I’m all nerves and excitement nonetheless. “I’m happy you’ve all come out tonight to support yourselves and each other. Tonight is a special late night meeting where we welcome you to come forward to share your stories, allow us to support you with open discussions, suggestions, and strategies. We’re all in the same boat and we’re learning that none of us need to navigate the sea of loss alone. We’re here to help and guide one another. First up tonight, we have one of our newest members: Miss Claire Knox. Claire has been coming to Friends in Grief meetings for a few weeks now. She and I have had many conversations and she is ready to share a bit of her story with us tonight. Please give her your respect and attention, as well as your patience. Tonig
ht she’s invited a special guest to share this new part of her life with him for the first time, as well.”
With that, there’s a smattering of applause, and he gestures for Claire to take her spot at the head of the circle.
Chapter 35
Matt
I take her in as she rises gracefully, then quickly bends to whisper in my ear that she loves me and thanks me for coming. But it’s what I see next that floors me: her confidence. A new confidence coming from inside her that I’ve never seen before takes over her as she turns to address the group. It’s not her usual chippiness, her seemingly cocky exterior, it’s originating from somewhere deep inside her and it’s sexy as hell.
The desire to hear all she is about to say has my adrenaline pumping. My girl is finally gonna share a part of herself that she’s been afraid to until now. This is huge. Locking my eyes on her, I offer an encouraging smile as she meets my gaze. I mouth I love you too.
You can do this, baby, is what I want to tell her, especially when I see her nerves starting to kick in. Claire takes a deep breath, wringing her hands together while meeting my stare. I offer a slight nod and what I hope is a comforting smile.
“The day my parents died,” she says, “was the day I was left behind, the day when everything changed. The day my parents died is the day I changed. That day was the day I lost the biggest part of myself—my heart. Your heart is that part of you that allows you to love and trust—the part that allows you to love and to be loved in return. So I guess you could say a part of me died that night, too, along with my parents. I no longer had the capacity to let love in, nor did I want to. I donned a mask: one of a happy girl, one who was fine, didn’t need anyone or anything. Growing up, I was the girl nothing affected; what was left of my heart was almost made of stone. I say ‘almost’ because there was no way a certain adoptive family was going to let me get by without knowing I was loved liked one of their own.” She smiles, wiping a tear. I know this is hard for her, and it’s taking everything for me not to go to her, but I also know she needs to get this all out on her own. Looking to reassure her, I nod.
“Yeah, I’m good,” she whispers, for only me, despite the room full of strangers. “Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t an over-the-top depressed adolescent because, let’s face it, I am pretty darn lovable and my adoptive family—Mary, Doug, Kat, and Wes—would never let me forget it. It’s because of them that I was able to salvage a teeny tiny part of my heart. I have a mad love for my family. And because of them, I couldn’t shut myself down the way I might have had they not forced me to love them back,” she says before pausing to gather her thoughts. “Okay, now for the hard part,” she says, huffing out a long breath. “Matty.”
Claire steps closer to where I’m sitting in stunned silence.
“I love them, but holy moly, Matty, do I have an even deeper love for you. And this is why I asked you to come here tonight. I owe you so much. I owe you all the love I have, for as long as I can be here with you to share it. I was such a pain in the ass, but you held out for me—you waited. All this time.”
“I’ll always wait,” I tell her, not realizing I’ve done so out loud.
My slip causes her to stifle a giggle. “I’m glad to know that, Matty. Now, no more comments. It’s my turn,” she mock scolds me, and I think I fall a little more for her, for being my funny and brave girl despite the seriousness of what she’s doing here tonight. “As I was saying,” she smiles, stepping closer still, “you waited like you knew something I didn’t. And I’m eternally grateful for that, because I know it now, too. I know that what we have is special and so worth the fight. I love you, and I will spend all of my days loving you like I’m gonna lose you, but this time I know I won’t. We’re a team. And I’m so happy to wear the same jersey as you, and root so friggin’ hard for us to win.” She smiles despite the tears rolling down her flushed cheeks. I know she’s still okay, she just needs a minute to compose herself.
You’re incredible, Claire. So damn strong, baby.
I’m in awe of her right now. It’s a quite a sight to see the light that’s radiating from her. It’s as if, finally, her huge burden has been lifted away—a light switches from off to on. My girl is healing and taking ownership of that process. It’s an awesome thing to witness. Fucking magical. It’s an honour to bear witness to this lovely creature shedding the ugly, taking on the new.
I smile up at her, my own emotions starting to get the best of me. I grip the chair to keep myself from rushing to her, because let’s face it, I’m fucking dying to wrap my arms around this girl. I know she has more to say, she’s simply taking a moment, giving me time to process, too.
“I guess I pushed you away because I needed to feel secure on my own. Since my parents died, I’ve had the Rollins family, and then in university, I had Kat and the girls. I’ve never really survived totally on my own. I think I needed to prove to myself that I’m capable of actually living and taking care of me. I didn’t want to trust or put my fears and insecurities onto others because there was always the lingering fear I’d lose them too, leaving me right back where I’d started. Then with you, I wanted it all and that scared me most. I want marriage, and babies, and all the worry and risk that comes with it.”
“Fucking right.” I can’t control myself, the other witnesses’ laughter reminding me that we’re not alone in the room.
“Denying us our love was stupid. My biggest regret, actually, because I know now that I need our love, it’s what’s pushed me to heal. I know that I want you. Us. And like I said, Matty, I’m in this for the long haul.”
She rushes me, landing in my lap, kissing every inch of my face, again drawing laughs from the others. Who knew that a bereavement meeting could be such a positive experience? Looking over her shoulder as I hug her tight, I’m met with smiles, and, in some cases, what look like happy tears.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I have something for you.” She reaches over to her chair grabbing a thick stack of papers. “These are for you. They are yours, from me. It’s all the things I wanted to share with you while we were apart, but couldn’t,” she says, handing me what I know are the emails from the other night.
“I picked those ribbons especially for you, too. Each time you look at them, I want their meaning to remind you of what I feel for us.”
“You’re killing me. Claire Knox—romantic, who knew?” I tease her.
“Nah, Claire Knox—healing,” she smiles. “I wanted the colour of the ribbons to symbolize us. Whether you realize it or not, they each have meaning to our relationship. I chose red to symbolize the passion I feel for you…you are my life force.” She smiles sweetly, meeting my eyes, before going on. “Red is a colour that represents power, and God, do we have so much power between us. It also symbolizes blood, blood shed in war, and I want to remind you that I will fight for us every single day of our lives. Finally, it represents happiness. Matty, you make me blush a shade of red everyday with the happiness and love you give me. Your words and actions show me time and time again that you love me, no matter what I might do to muck it up. My hope is that one day my love does the same for you.”
Staring at her as she talks, I’m lost. I cannot believe what a lucky son of a bitch I am. Listening to her telling me about the ribbons, completely makes me lose my shit, my composure falls to the wayside at her explanation, I’m on emotion overload. “I love you so much…I’m about to lose it, baby. I always knew you’d see things my way,” I whisper through a choked throat.
“The blue ribbon’s meaning I don’t ever want associated with sadness. I see this blue as being ‘true blue’ versus ‘sad and blue’ because when I see this shade, Matty, I think of you. You are my truth, true blue. Blue also represents water, it shows us as calm. Being together is my calm, you are my clarity. And it can be the colour of storms; it’s you who helps see me through the storms, both the proverbial and the scary ass real ones, I might add.” She laughs at herself before continuing: “And through you, I reflect on mys
elf as if I were looking at water’s mirrored surface, like gazing into a pond. You encourage me and lead me to the truth…you are my reflection and I’m a better person because I’ve finally realized it.”
“Amen to that, Sugarshack. A-fucking-men.”
I hug her tight to my chest, as close as I can get her. There is applause from the group again, but I barely hear it this time.
Chapter 36
Matt
“There you are. You ready to go, honey?” Claire asks, leaving the Friends in Grief meeting room and coming to meet me in the empty hallway. I’ve been sitting on a chair in the hall skimming through the stack of emails. The array of feelings I’m having is overwhelming, to say the least. After our public display of emotion, I needed to regroup, to process everything she’d shared.
I’d left Claire to stay so she could give her support to the evening’s next speaker and for her to say her goodbyes. I hope the group didn’t think I was rude, but I needed a few minutes alone to collect myself, a fact that I’m sure was more than obvious to the others in the circle tonight, and something they no doubt understood given their experiences.
Regardless of what they think of me, all I care about is the fact that Claire Knox fucking loves me. Really loves me. Always has. That knowledge is pure heart-stopping power. Not only does it make all the bullshit worth it, it lets me know that Claire Knox is mine until the end, no room for argument.
“Matt. You okay?” She stares down at me.
“We need to go.” I push myself up from the chair. Grabbing her by the hand, I tug her promptly up the stairs and out the door.
“Matty! Wait, my car’s around the other side, in the main lot. Are you sure you’re all right?”
I continue to pull her along after me. Once across the deserted rear lot, I silently open the door to my Jeep Cherokee. My words are jumbled in my mind, I’m not sure I’ll get out what I intend to say. What she deserves to hear.
One Last Shot (Pub Fiction #3) Page 17