Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  “Awwww,…this was clean on this morning!” he moans.

  Elaine looks at Mrs Patterson rolling her eyes once more and says;

  “Drink?”

  “Oh yes please!” Mrs Patterson replies as they head over to the drinks cupboard in tandem.

  Elaine produces two glasses and a bottle of Gin from the cupboard.

  “Hector get me the tonic water from the fridge would you?” she asks of her husband.

  Hector huffs in protest, but gets the tonic water anyway and hands it to Elaine. Just as she is measuring out two fairly large shots of Gin there is another knock at the door.

  “Hector, get that would you babes?”

  Hector responds by huffing once more in protest, and mumbling something about not being a doormat as he heads towards the front door. Again it falls on deaf ears as Elaine is otherwise engaged in the important task of preparing drinks.

  Hector opens the front door with one hand as he tucks into another egg mayonnaise sandwich with the other. He looks gormlessly at the three people standing in front of him whilst uncouthly rolling the sandwich around in his gob as they just stand there, gormlessly staring back at him. There is a badly dressed, overweight woman in her early forty’s who’s make up looks like it was applied with a trowel, an overweight balding man about the same age who could probably do with some make-up, and a morbidly obese kid who could be anywhere between ten and sixteen, dressed in what appears to be a sailors outfit and who is currently intently playing with some sort of handheld computer game.

  Hector’s no genius but it didn’t take him long to work out that this must be Arnie’s Uncle and Auntie on Elaine’s side of the family, and his cousin Alfie.

  Hector looks at them and says “Hello?” in a questioning tone as the people stood before him don’t seem to want to initiate any kind of greeting!

  “Trish, Jeff and Alfie right?”

  “Yeah!” says the woman sharply.

  “You Hector?” she continues;

  “Yup” says hector as he stuffs the last part of his sandwich in his mouth so he can extend his hand to the visitors.

  As his hands comes out Trish hangs her bag over his extended arm and walks past him shoving him to one side.

  “where’s that fat cow of a sister then??” she says rudely.

  As Trish gets into the kitchen and sees her sister Elaine all that is heard [for miles around in all probability] is a high pitched shriek that sounds how you might imagine a tortured Dolphin to sound. This visibly curdles both Hector and Jeff’s blood as they both recoil their heads into their shoulders like a pair of frightened Turtles. Fortunately, Alfie is away with the fairies as he carries on tapping away on his little handheld gadget. When the shrieking finally stops, Hector and Jeff both acknowledge this to each other with a rolling of the eyes and shaking of the head.

  “Good to meet ya!” says Jeff as he shakes Hector’s free hand and puts his own coat on Hectors already burdened arm.

  Jeff ushers Alfie through the door and follows Trish into the kitchen where both he and Alfie survey the food situation [Alfie actually lowers his game temporarily for this]. They both carefully scan the kitchen table, not missing a trick - before exclaiming in excited unison;

  “Oooh,…pork pies!”

  As Alfie takes a break from his game to join his dad in stuffing a whole pork pie in his mouth Hector defiantly dumps the bag and coat he is holding onto the floor underneath the coat rack by the door and follows them into the kitchen. Trish and Elaine are still shrieking at each other albeit quieter than before and now seem to be communicating in some sort of alien language.

  “Look Elaine, Alfie’s here!” interrupts Hector.

  “ALFIE?” shrieks Trish in another blood curdling moment that sends a chill up the spine of everyone in the room and encourages a full on Tortoise shell moment for everyone once again.

  “Go and say hello to your cousin and give him the card!” she continues:

  Alfie huffs and blows out flakes of pastry from his overloaded mouth in the process as he reluctantly walks out to the garden and interrupts Arnie (who is just lining up a penalty shot against Cain) by tapping him rudely on the shoulder. As Arnie turns around and greets Alfie, he thrusts the card into Arnie’s chest while still openly rolling a half masticated pork pie around in his gob. As Arnie takes the card and goes to thank Alfie for it, Alfie obliviously turns and walks back into the kitchen and heads directly for the bowl of mini scotch eggs. Arnie shrugs his shoulders and opens the card anyway whilst he, Cain and the other Alfie all have a little giggle about it.

  An hour or so later, things in the Gibbs household haven’t changed a whole lot. Arnie is still playing football in the garden with Cain, Alfie and of course Lady. Elaine, Trish and Mrs Patterson are throwing down their third G&T and Hector and Jeff are discussing the finer points of what makes the best pork pie over cans of supermarket own-brand lager. Alfie still has his head buried in his computer game whilst intermittently dipping into the bowl of Bombay mix he has strategically placed in front of him and is apparently going for the world record of how much of said dried snack he can fit into his mouth at once.

  All of a sudden Elaine quickly breaks away from her conversation with Trish and takes centre stage to announce;

  “CAKE TIME!!! Kids first - Arnie, Cain, Alfie and…..” Before Elaine can even call the other Alfie, he magically appears at her side wide eyed, alert and focused on the prospect of cake!

  “Oh,… there you are Alfie. I assume you want some cake then?”

  Alfie looks up at Elaine and raises one eyebrow as if to say “Is water wet?”

  “Of course you do.” says Elaine to herself as she necks the remainder of her drink.

  Elaine then proceeds to negotiate the small but intimidating human obstacle course in her kitchen and finally makes it to the fridge. She opens it and pulls out what appears to be a cake shaped like a rugby ball, but decorated like a football;

  “Ta daaaaaa!!” exclaims Elaine as she holds the cake aloft in one hand like a trophy she has just won.

  Everyone looks up in awe,…..and horror, as said misshapen cake gradually slides off the plate and falls to the ground, stopping only momentarily on Elaine’s forehead as it splats on the ground by her feet.

  A deadly silence follows for what is probably no more than a few seconds but which seems like an eternity to everyone as they stare at the dead cake in disbelief. Lady however, is not subject to such etiquette and is quicker off the mark than Alfie, and dives headfirst into the sponge based carnage and proceeds to wolf it all down unapologetically.

  Thankfully Arnie is not a cake person unlike his cousin Alfie who looks positively devastated by this sudden turn of events, and is much more impressed by his mother’s comic talents as opposed to her culinary ones.

  Arnie begins to laugh:

  At first it is a stifled and naughty little laugh but when Hector and Cain both begin to snigger as well, it develops into more of a deep uncontrollable belly laugh. Within seconds everyone except Alfie is laughing uncontrollably. Trish is sloshing her drink all over Alfie as all of her wobbly bits bounce up and down with laughter. Hector nearly chokes on his pork pie as he spits half of it out and doubles over the kitchen table, clutching his ribs with a stitch. Jeff slaps Hector on the back to help him out and Hector responds by coughing up more pastry and subsequently pointing at the debris to announce;

  “….look, some of it came out my nose!”

  Everyone continues to laugh and point and enjoy the moment, but none more so than Arnie who revels wholeheartedly in the moment. Although it’s not a lottery win, the vibe in the Gibbs household is currently one of great positivity, fun and happiness.

  All of a sudden, a strange mist quickly envelopes the back garden and there is a loud knock on the front door that seems to reverberate throughout the house. As this happens everyone in the kitchen freezes and everything goes quiet. All of a sudden Arnie finds himself the only person in the room still laughing, but m
ore than that - he is apparently the only person still able to move!

  “Mum? Hector? Cain?” he says perplexedly as his laughter begins to fade.

  As he gradually stops laughing, Arnie scans the faces of his newly frozen family, all stuck with their own unique hysterical expressions on their respective faces. As he becomes more and more visibly confused there is another knock at the door. Arnie hears it but it doesn’t immediately register, so instead of going to answer it he reaches out to his cousin Alfie’s face and gently prods at it, presumably to provoke some sort of physical response. As he pulls his finger back from Alfie’s forehead and Alfie gently wobbles back and forth, he gets an idea.

  He nonchalantly turns away from Alfie as if to walk away and then quickly turns back and screams in his face with his arms aloft, presumably like a monster or a Bear or…..something. Alfie remains motionless however. Now completely bewildered, Arnie stops to think for a second. He then becomes visibly frustrated and slaps Alfie’s face, quickly flinching backwards defensively afterwards as if he were expecting retort of some kind, but nothing happens.

  The knocking at the door becomes louder and more urgent sounding as the doorbell rings too. Arnie quickly snaps out of his trance and sheepishly walks towards the door filled with a strange mixture of fear, intrigue and confusion.

  As he opens the door, a rolling wave of mist tumbles into the hallway and forms around his feet. His heart speeds up and begins to pound inside his chest as he nervously looks out into the mist which is now so thick he can’t see more than two feet in front of him.

  As the mist starts to clear he is able to just about make out the silhouette of a tall slender figure with a walking stick standing in the front garden. Arnie begins to tremble and barely manages to force two words from his mouth which seem to stumble and fall out over his lips;

  “Wh,…Who’s there?” he says cautiously.

  Arnie immediately regrets this line of questioning as the large silhouetted stranger stood on the drive slowly begins to move toward him. He moves backwards into his hallway, the door left wide open due to shock as opposed to carelessness as he begins to realise that he could be in serious trouble here……

  Chapter Four: Mervin

  The shadowy figure stood in the front garden slowly approaches the door and comes into focus revealing an old bearded man with long grey hair in a ponytail who is dressed in a pinstripe suit and is carrying a strange but beautiful looking wooden staff.

  “Who….who?” says Arnie which is about as much as he can muster given the terrifying ordeal he currently finds himself in.

  “I am a dream to some,……A NIGHTMARE to others!!” he says in a booming voice that seems to echo around the very sky as he bangs his staff on the ground and thunder cracks in the sky.

  Arnie staggers backwards, wide eyed and open mouthed in shock and awe as the tall intimidating figure walks into the hallway. The man kneels down in front of Arnie so he is at eye level with him, smiles, laughs and says in a deep well-spoken voice;

  “Just kidding kiddo! I’m your Uncle Mervin!”

  He prods Arnie in the chest with his long and bony index finger to address him again;

  “…and I am your density!”

  Arnie continues to stand and stare open mouthed and motionless at this strange old man as he continues to talk to him about lord only knows what!!

  “No……nothing? Not seen Back to The Future huh?”

  Arnie thinks for a second and shakes his head.

  “Ok fine. I’ll get straight to the point then. So - you my boy, are special! I know you’ve probably heard your Mum say that numerous times and it’s probably gotten really old by now, but it’s the truth. You’ve felt for a while now like there is a gaping hole in the pit of your stomach that you just can’t seem to fill, like there’s something missing, like you were meant for more – for greatness even! Well, you’re right, - and with my guidance I promise, you will find what is missing and help bring balance to the land and to all that inhabit it, and usher in a new age of pea,……”

  He pauses as something in the near distance just over Arnie’s shoulder catches his eye.

  “Are those mini pizzas?” he says as he stands up, pushes the confused child stood in front of him to one side and negotiates his way around his frozen relatives toward the kitchen table.

  As he stuffs at least four mini pizzas into his mouth and grabs another handful he turns back to the increasingly baffled looking boy and speaks, spitting crumbs all over the place in the process;

  “Sorry, you’ll have to excuse my rudeness, but I do love party food!” he says as he grins with childish excitement.

  “Don’t ask me why but if it’s a ‘mini’ something then I go crazy for it. Mini sausage rolls, mini quiches, Vol au vents, and of course your mini pizza here! It’s like the novelty of having miniaturised food makes it more fun to eat for some reason. It’s like I’m a Giant or something!”

  Arnie slowly follows Mervin into the kitchen, still staring at him wide eyed and open mouthed from the doorway.

  “I’m going to usher in an age of pee?” he says, looking even more confused than he did before.

  Mervin calms down and pops another mini pizza in his mouth while looking directly back at Arnie with a raised eyebrow.

  “No, not an age of pee you silly boy, an age of PEACE! You know peace - like the hippies from the sixties? Flower power? Peace and love and all that stuff?” he replies;

  “WHO. ARE. YOU? What are you doing in my house? Why do my family look like that? ..….and I’m not referring to their good looks, I mean why are they frozen and, ….and, ….just who ARE you?” replies Arnie forcefully

  “I told you already” shrugs Mervin casually;

  “I’m your Uncle Mervin, and I’m here to help you bring about balance and pe….no wait,….you will help usher in peace and balance and, er, peas and carrots….no, no,…..wait I know,….er, we did this already didn’t we?”

  Arnie looks back in stunned amazement and shouts;

  “NO! You said something about me being dense and that you’ll help guide me into a land of pee and then you just made a beeline for the food!”

  “I did? Oh. I’m sorry. Let me think. So your special, I’m here to help you fulfil your destiny and bring about an age of peace and balance…..Oh, there’s also some stuff about magic, swords, magic swords, castles, duels to the death and my personal favourite - Dragons! Alright?”

  Arnie shakes his head to indicate he is NOT alright:.

  “Oh, and your family aren’t frozen exactly, they’re just moving really slowly,….or we’re moving really fast,….I can’t remember. It’s the Dragon’s breath that does that. It comes in quite handy from time to time. That said it can also prove to be a real pain in the neck, especially when it’s used so someone can crack onto the wife their sworn enemy. A story for another time I think. Anyway, look, we’ve got to make tracks young man, time, although relative, is very much of the essence!”

  “What? What do you mean we’ve got to make tracks? This is my home. This is my family. I can’t just leave, especially with some strange old geezer that just turns up on my doorstep out of the blue and freezes my entire family!” says Arnie angrily.

  Mervin interjects whilst wagging his long bony index finger pompously;

  “I said they weren’t frozen just….”

  “Moving slowly, yes I know, or we’re moving fast. Whatever, the point is….”

  As Arnie is speaking, Mervin nods and keeps eye contact but at the same time produces a marble from his pocket which he hands to Arnie.

  “Here, hold this a minute.” he says as Arnie holds his hand out and Mervin drops the marble into his hand.

  The second Arnie is handed the object it inexplicably increases at least ten times its normal size and begins to glow intensely until it is almost blinding. Arnie’s body convulses suddenly as if he had just received a massive electric shock and he screws his face up as if he were sucking a lemon. Mysterious imag
es of mist and darkness, mud and blood, steel and stone pulsate quickly through Arnie’s mind. It all feels so real to him. He can see, hear, smell and even feel everything as if he were right there in amongst it. Images of the sea crashing against rocks on the shore of a beach follow. He can smell the salt in the air and feel the fine spray from the sea caressing his skin. More intense images follow of a great beast hidden in the mist, belching smoke from its nose and Images of a beautiful woman, a Queen, and a noble looking King holding a magnificent sword follow that. They look happy at first until a tall, strikingly handsome man wearing a suit of armour so shiny it almost looks white is suddenly thrust into the fray, shattering the happy images that preceded it. Images of children playing together and the same children fighting follow, and are subsequently followed by quickening images of great battles, blood, swords and spears, horses, dragons, fire and ice, the Earth, the Sun, the moon and the sky all shoot through his mind until he is left with one final image of a beating human heart which lingers for a short while in his mind. Arnie then opens his eyes, drops the marble [which Mervin quickly catches before it hits the ground] and falls backwards onto one of the kitchen chairs which unfortunately still has his cousin Alfie sat on it. Exhausted, Arnie exhales heavily, looks around at his cousins frozen expression and then stands up and apologises to his oblivious mannequin like relation before looking back at Mervin slightly embarrassed like.