“I think about it now and again. And in the past couple of years, hell yeah, especially during some of the darker moments she was having with Alfie. I just wanted to take her away somewhere and make her realise everything we meant to each other. Then I’d get rational again and know that we were always meant to be friends and nothing more, and want to punch Alfie for being such a dick.”
Dave lay silent, his gaze burned into me as I dug deep and dragged up all the confused feelings I’ve had about Lily that had been buried since I was as a spotty teenager.
“I mean she admitted once she had struggled with her feelings about us as well.”
Dave sat up and exhaled heavily. He reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder trying to look supportive as he stared at me bleary eyed.
“What you’re telling me is that, if Lily had made the first move you’d have grabbed the opportunity with both hands.”
I drew in a deep, shuddery breath and shook my head confused by my drunken thoughts. My mind was foggy and I fought to resist the feeling that I’d wallow in if I allowed those thoughts to consume me the way they had when I was sixteen.
“Jeez, I’m drunk. No. It is what it is, Dave. We are what we are. Friends forever.”
Dave struggled to his feet, swaying a little above me and for a moment he almost tipped the balance and crashed into me but he managed to pull himself back.
“I’ve got to take a leak, but, Jack, if you had those feelings for Lily and didn’t go there. Shit, I admire your stance to preserve your friendship. You have the reserve of an ox mate. Me? I’d have fucked her brains out and worried about where we went from there afterwards.”
Staggering towards the bathroom, Dave swayed again as he reached the door, I smirked wryly at his comment because he probably would have as well. I resigned myself to the fact that I’d done the right thing by Lily and not complicated her life. By making sexual demands of her we may have both lived to regret it later and ended up with nothing. So my decision had at least left me with something. I knew I was important to her and Lily meant the world to me, so I could live with that.
Hearing the toilet flush I swung my leg around and sat up on the sofa, my stomach caught up with the motion and I became slightly light-headed and nauseous. Dave wandered back into the room, his hands out in front to steady himself, while I pushed myself to stand up.
“Fuck, Jack. I’m sorry. What you just told me sucks. That was a crass remark I just made. You, Jack, are one hell of a gentleman to care for Lily the way you have and not to have taken advantage of your privileged position with her. I fucking commend you, mate,” he said, slurring his words.
Sniggering, he leaned over and hugged me. We both swayed unsteadily on our feet until I pushed him away and he lost his balance. His arms flailed in an effort to steady himself until he landed heavily on the sofa and I changed tact a little.
“I regret having sex with Rosie because unfortunately I think I’m the love of her life and I don’t feel the same. I worry about her as well. I guess I’ve made her feel the same ache I have in my heart and the insight to know how that feels. I’m just praying there is a way past that for the both of us.
By the time I made it to the bathroom, my mood was low and all I wanted to do was sleep. Once I had relieved myself I made my way to bed. Dave was adult enough to take care of himself and I didn’t want to wallow in the sadness I felt in my heart right then.
Chapter 13 ~ Making plans
Waking up to the sound of someone passing wind wasn’t a great start to the day. Dave was wandering back and forth just outside my bedroom door making various animalistic grunting sounds before proceeding to pee like a horse into the toilet bowl. Through the hazy fog of my hangover, I managed to pull myself up and leant back against my headboard, mentally struggling to remember what day it was.
Sunday. I threw back the covers at the exact same moment Dave cracked open my door. I chuckled as I watched him avert his eyes briefly before quickly glancing back at my groin.
“Don’t worry, Dave, I have that effect on women as well. They can’t believe what they’re looking at. They, like you, look away only to stare straight back in amazement at the gorgeous wood I have first thing in the morning.”
Dave snorted and chuckled again, then flung the cover back over me.
“Dear God in Heaven, grant this guy a lame cock before he blinds himself in the shower.”
“Thanks for that, but I’d rather save it for my date with Gini on Tuesday, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, the confidence.”
“Nope, the promise. It’s a dead cert. She just about said as much.”
“Okay, we all know how you can get carried away with your imagination, Jack. What did she say exactly that has you jumping to that conclusion?”
“I believe it was, ‘Nice pack, Jack, I hope you know how to use it’, or words to that effect. Oh, and she was rubbing my dick through my jeans when she said it. Is that enough for you?”
“Man, she really did that? Or was that some fantasy you envisaged?”
“Nope, it really happened, on the tube, that was the first time I rubbed up against her.”
“You rubbed…never mind I don’t need that image stuck in my head. I’m due at my parents at quarter to ten, that’s trauma enough for one day. I’ll call you on Wednesday to find out how your ‘promise’ goes.”
Glancing at the Omega wristwatch Lily gave me for my eighteenth birthday, I could see that he only had twenty minutes to get there. Dave tapped the bedroom door with the palm of his hand and left the room, a few seconds later I heard the latch click on my front door. Once he’d gone I took a shower and tidied up my bathroom. The guy really was a disgusting slob. He had used my toothbrush and left toothpaste spittle all over the sink.
When I went to transfer my phone from my old jeans into the fresh pair I’d worn, I noticed that I had received three text messages.
The first phone number wasn’t one I recognised.
Unknown: I just found out I have three hours free tomorrow night do you want to grab a bite to eat?
Flicking back through my phone, I compared the number from the last call with Gini and smiled slowly. It appeared as if she couldn’t wait either. I added her name and saved it to my phone before texting back.
Me: Sorry just found this. Sure I’d love to meet. I have no plans tomorrow night, where and when?
Less than two minutes later, Gini replied.
Gini: This is Gini’s husband. Who the fuck is this? Gini won’t be going anywhere and if I get my hands on you, you’ll be dead meat, got it?
I stood frozen in the middle of my bedroom staring at the phone screen feeling shocked. It was as if a sudden jolt of electricity ran through my body when I read the message. I felt infuriated. The one girl I’d had an instant connection with was married. There was no way I was getting mixed up in anything like that. What the fuck?
My mind flitted through all our conversations and how forward she was and yet she had a husband at home. At first I was numb, then I was so angry with her. Coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t get to see Gini again was a real body blow. Even though my loins were already in love with her, my head rationalised that I’d had a narrow escape and was partly glad. At least I found out she was married before I’d gotten in too deep. It didn’t feel like much of a consolation though.
Besides, if Gini could cheat on someone she loved enough to marry, who’s to say she wouldn’t do the same to me? Frustrated, I threw my phone on the bed and with mixed feelings bubbling away inside, and a heavy heart, I raided the fridge for some breakfast before crawling back into bed to watch MTV for a while.
As usual when I watched any of the music channels it wasn’t long before XrAid came on the screen. It still felt a bit weird watching Lily and her band on television or when her songs came over the sound systems in shops. Lily was born to play music, but it didn’t stop the ache in my heart that she wasn’t here with me. The separation and loss of her in
my daily life made it almost painful to watch her out there, all grown up and living life without me. Especially when I recalled my sweet memories of the innocent little girl I knew when we were growing up.
Lying around gave me plenty of time to think and I came to the conclusion that I just needed to be on my own for a while until I got over Rosie. There was no use figuring out what I wanted from life until I was completely over that relationship, and I decided there and then that I wouldn’t be going out with another girl until I had done some healing. I wasn’t heartbroken like she was; my feelings for her didn’t go as deeply as hers.
That evening Sam called. From the conversation I got the impression that he thought I was a man-whore for life. He was damn near in hysterics when I tried to talk to him seriously about how I felt and what I thought.
“Jack Cunningham giving up women? Jack, that’s like a barman saying he won’t serve any beer. Both scenarios are ridiculous and it’s never going to happen. What do you think will happen when you go clubbing? I’ve never known you to go home alone in all the time we’ve been going out. Or maybe you’re planning on getting into trouble and being locked away for a while to help stop you getting any action?”
When I didn’t laugh or come back with a quick remark, Sam became quiet. After telling him what had happened with Cat’s man-eater friends and then the incident with Gini and the text message, he was more sympathetic towards my situation.
“Okay, are there a set number of days you are aiming for, or is it a minute by minute goal you’re setting for yourself? I mean, how long can you go before your dick shrivels up and you have to take stimulators like Viagra?”
What Sam asked was a fair question. I had a high sex drive and Rosie had been an incredible match in bed. I hadn’t met anyone like her, which is why she made it onto the girlfriend list in the first place. I didn’t mean to sound shallow but at twenty-three I wasn’t looking for anything more when I’d met Rosie. I was relatively happy with her until I saw Alfie with Lily and couldn’t help comparing.
“Well, Sam, maybe a stint of celibacy will do me good. It may balance my hormones because I’ve been feeling a bit like a teenage boy one minute and a girl the next. On the one hand being without Rosie has me in the mind-set that I should fuck anything that moves, and on the other I’m looking for ‘the one’. You know? That significant other that your sister, Elle, and Lily seem to have found without even trying.”
Hearing myself say it out loud was even more painful than thinking it, and it suddenly dawned on me that I was having some kind of midlife crisis but in my twenties. Thinking like that may have made me sound crazy, but I had no better way of putting it. I was missing Lily, and Rosie in a weird way. I wondered if I had allowed myself to become too dependent on the women in my life instead of just being me.
“You know what, Sam? I think I’m going to take a sabbatical from work. I think I’ll go somewhere and do something, anything. Six months of doing something worthwhile instead of sitting with my finger up my arse thinking about women and the drudgery of waiting for the next exciting project to come along.”
“Jack, you don’t know how to do anything else. You don’t know you’re living mate. You get to sit and have personal time with the likes of Kylie Minogue and Beyoncé for God’s sake. Most men would give their right nut to do what you do, and most music lovers would think you’ve gone insane to even think about having time off. What on earth would you do with six months, Jack?”
“Hell, anything I want. Think about it. I could go to Colorado or Montana and get work as a ski-instructor in Keystone or one of those small towns up there. I hear their season runs to about June and I could travel the rest of the time. I don’t know…I could learn a new skill like surfing or ballroom dancing or something.”
Sam laughed uncontrollably at my last suggestion then between chuckles choked out, “Jack Cunningham in tight dance trousers with a blue sequenced shirt and baggy sleeves, or a male tailored onesie with a V down to your belly button? I’d pay to see that!”
Suddenly I was laughing with him. His description of ballroom dancing apparel brought a genuine grin to my face. It was just like Sam to be so uncultured that he’d bring urban dress like ‘onesies’ into something as refined as ballroom dancing.
I wasn’t one for indulging in my feelings normally, but I felt that I’d reached a junction in my life where it felt almost like I was suffocating, and that there was a gaping hole in my heart.
Normally, my personality was extrovert and I was definitely one of the ‘glass half full’ types who lived life to the maximum. However, since the New Year I’d recognised that I’d had been struggling. And it wasn’t getting any better. I had no idea why I felt like that, but it could possibly be something to do with splitting with Rosie.
Sam continued to talk, but my mind whirled with ideas of how I could shake myself out of that depressive state and start to view life more positively again.
My research began immediately when I hung up the phone. Creative writing? Learn to surf? Trek to Kilimanjaro base camp? Work in an orphanage? Teach English to rich kids from another country? If I was being brutally honest with myself, I knew I couldn’t have done a couple of those things. I had a soft heart so I’d have either tried to adopt all the kids and bring them home with me, or in the scenario of English teacher, I may have given the rich kids pushy parents a piece of my mind.
Scrolling down the Google list of suggestions, I knew instantly what I wanted to try and do. There were several options that hit my soft spots. Detox. ‘Four weeks of yoga, meditation and detoxifying from all of life’s indulgences’, that sounded perfect. Without a doubt four weeks without anything to distract me, I believed would put me right. I’d lived in the fast lane ever since university and with Lily being half way around the world, any holidays I had seemed to include long haul flights.
A thought had popped into my head. Wouldn’t it be really cool to surprise all those rock stars I interview if I knew enough to ask questions that were really fresh? I knew about bands and genres of music. I had extensive knowledge of each accolade every band had ever achieved, but what if I started talking about their instruments, or the actual music styles they were playing with a level of expertise?
I’d convinced myself that would take my skill set to a new level and perhaps open doors for me in my future career. It would also give me an edge over some of the other reporters that seemed to have tapped into a vein of artists that were well acquainted with each other. It was like there were cliques of performers who had their favourite or trusted journalists, and it was so difficult to break into those circles.
There was no hesitation after that. I went straight to the site organiser and fifteen minutes later my place was confirmed and reservations made to fly into Granada in just over a week. With each minute that passed, I formed my ideas for what I wanted to achieve. Twenty minutes after confirming my place at the health retreat, I’d booked my place on a multi instrument taster course in the south of Spain, followed by whatever instrument or instruments the instructor decided I had an aptitude for. I was going to do what I should have done a long time ago—learn to play an instrument properly.
Learning to play a few tunes on the guitar, and six months of weekly drum lessons when I was a teenager, had been a chore. I knew that if it hadn’t been rammed down my throat to practice, I would probably have enjoyed playing those more.
I wasn’t the best guitar student because my fingers were all thumbs, but during my training as a journalist my typing speed had improved and was on par with speaking speed. I figured that my fingers were more agile than what they were when I was just a lad.
Hopefully my plans would give me back some of the ‘Jack spark’ that was missing. Once motivated, I’d also made my mind up not to tell anyone what I was up to. If what I planned worked? It would be worth it to see their shocked reactions.
Chapter 14 ~ Visitors
During the following few days, I scoured YouTube for tutorial
s about making and playing music. Surprised at the amount of guidance there was out there, I purchased a new guitar; a Fender CD-60. It wasn’t the best guitar available but was a really good budget acoustic one. I could tell that it had a great tone even with my rusty attempts at playing it. The projection was amazing for a guitar at that price.
By the Thursday everything was in order and after finalising some last minute maintenance on my place while I was gone, I’d sat back feeling antsy about the challenge I had set myself. Dave had been really supportive when I’d told him. He encouraged me, even when he had no idea what I was going to do, and I hadn’t felt such drive since I’d studied for my interview for my current job.
My doorbell rang while I was in the middle of yet more research. I closed my laptop immediately then quickly took my new guitar and placed it on the bed in my spare room before opening the door in case it was one of my friends. With only five days until I left, I didn’t want to let anyone know what I was going to attempt.
When I’d opened the door my jaw dropped open, my eyes popped open wide and my heart began to race. Lily stood in front of me looking sensational. She wasn’t due for another week but I was pleased because I would have left by the time she’d arrived. Squealing loudly she bundled through the doorway and reached out for me excitedly. Her slender toned arms wrapped around my neck and she peppered my surprised face in little kisses. Instantly my arms were wrapped around her and it was she who pressed her warm, familiar little body flush against mine.
Lily’s reaction was reassuring. The way she clung tightly to me showed that she’d missed me a lot. She squeezed me even tighter and that said she was as desperate to hold me as I was to hold her. My heart was thudding hard with excitement because she had managed to surprise me. I’d expected a phone call when she arrived in London, not for her to come to my apartment.
Suddenly I felt at peace. The feel of her in my arms, the smell of her long, silky hair, and the way she pressed the palms of her hands against my back trying to get even closer to me made me feel at home.
Just Jack: Everything laid bare Page 10