by Jade Alyse
Joanna proceeded to fasten each button, and the faster her bridesmaid progressed up her spine; the less she felt that she could breathe. She quickly recalled her last dress fitting a few days ago, when she and Brandon had headed downtown to sign the wedding license, she then thought about what she’d ate the night before, and the night before that, and as Jo said, “Okay, Natalie, just a few more buttons, you look beautiful,” she was sure that her lungs were collapsing. As her sisters shed small tears, and dabbed their eyes with tissues, she fought for breath, allowing soft gasps to escape her dry lips, and she placed a hand to her chest, feeling her heart grip, feeling the temperature rise in her body by the millisecond, feeling her vision blur.
She remembered gasping, “I can’t breathe,” before her knees buckled. She knelt before her concerned bridesmaids, and she couldn’t distinguish the one who went to retrieve a sheet of paper to fan over her face. Joanna was holding her hand, Sidney had a hand on her back, and Asha was fumbling with her cell phone.
“Hey, get over here…yes now…because we need you…hurry, please…”
She hoped that it wasn’t Brandon, hoped that he couldn’t see the tears that she cried at that moment, ruining her makeup, while her bridesmaids continuously asked her what’s wrong.
What on earth was the matter with her? Why couldn’t she straighten up? How dare she let her inner turmoil destroy her this way? Why couldn’t she have been confident enough that things would work themselves out? Could she have been more selfish at the moment?
But, oh she sat there in a pitiful state, in her beautiful white gown. And she knew that she couldn’t do it.
This day can’t happen without her mother…it just can’t…
She had to leave…she had to get out of that dress (her favorite dress)…and get away…she would tell Brandon later…she hoped that he understood…
“Natalie, please tell us why you’re crying?” Sidney pressed, stroking the length of her back. “Please, so we can help you.”
Lord, she was helpless…plumb helpless…
She only shook her head then and stared aimlessly. She couldn’t look at them. Part of her felt too ashamed to admit the fact that she was a quitter, that even when she got this close to being completely happy with Brandon she’d blow it…and why?
For a stubborn, lonely black woman, who’d rather sit in her own misery than be there for the daughter she claimed to love so much? Why couldn’t she be stronger? Why couldn’t she say ‘To hell’ with her mother!
She couldn’t as much as her heart ached then…
“Natalie, sweetheart, what’s the matter?” Joanna asked.
“I’m here…”
Natalie looked up and saw Scotland Kelly glaring down at her, completely out of breath, as if he’d used every organ in his body to reach them on time, with his eyes widening at the sight of her. “Oh…God,” he’d said.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” Asha told him, folding her arms. “One minute she was fine and the next…”
“I see,” Scotty huffed.
He then proceeded to kneel down beside her, reach for her hand and stroke it gently. She enjoyed the sincerity in his eyes then, as if he looked genuinely concerned, as if time were no measure then.
“Nat, baby…” he sighed.
Natalie only shook her head, and allowed another tear to fall.
“Talk to me,” he encouraged, rubbing her hand.
She shook her head again. Scotty sighed with slight exasperation and dropped his head.
“Alright,” he said lowly. He then looked at the faces of each of the patient bridesmaids and nodded once toward the hotel room door.
“Ladies, could you give the bride and myself one moment of peace please?”
The women nodded peaceably and exited the room shortly thereafter.
It was only then that Natalie allowed herself to explode.
“I can’t do this, Scotty!” She said, allowing ample tears to breach the surface of her skin. “I can’t do this!”
Scotty reached for her arms and pulled her into him, attempting to quiet her, running his hands along her back.
“I believe you can,” Scotty told her quietly. “I believe that you won’t let anything or anyone get in the way of your wedding day…”
She continued to shake her head. She was convinced that the good part of her wedding day that she was supposed to ignore, only left her empty inside, only made her realize even more that her mother wasn’t there…that her mother wasn’t coming.
“I can’t do this,” she murmured through tears into the collar of his tuxedo.
Scotty nodded. “Yes, you can…yes, you can, Nattie…you know why?”
“No…why?” she sniffled.
“Because you deserve happiness,” he whispered, rubbing her back as she buried her face in his neck. “You deserve to be with a man who’ll treat you right…you deserve the happiness that you’ve given to so many people…”
Happiness…she allowed the word to run through her mind, and her spirit was soothed the moment that she pictured the future; Brandon is doing work in their large yard, she’s planting rose seeds for her garden near the wraparound porch, and amidst the summer heat, the sneak away to a cool shady spot beneath a large willow tree and share a kiss…
She then pictures where her mother would fit into the equation…she doesn’t see it…she shakes her head and another tear falls.
“We went to eight different jewelry stores,” he admitted quietly, appearing as if he’d revealed some deep, dark secret that he felt guilty for telling. He pulled away from her to look into her eyes. He then caught a falling tear. “It seemed like there wasn’t a ring out there that was good enough for you. After the fifth jewelry store, Asha and I were tired, irritated, but we tried our hardest to be supportive. He was determined to find the perfect ring for your finger. We were more than elated that he was ready to settle down, that our two best friends were getting married. I’ve never seen him act that way about a girl. Not even about Sophia. It was as if you’d cast this strange spell on him. He was most certainly happier, he was funnier, and he was the Brandon that I became friends with in the first place. I’ve never seen him more devastated…it was just as hard a time for him as it was for you, believe me. Natalie, he’s loved you for as long as I can remember. And I think you’d be lying to yourself if you told me right now that you didn’t feel the same way for him. You both think you’re so slick, so sneaky…I have eyes, you know. And these eyes have witnessed the way you two look at each other.”“Scotty…that’s completely pointless now…I—I can’t…”
“It’s pointless? Nat, you’re kidding yourself. I know you remember the night the three of us went to Halley’s in Atlanta [Natalie nodded]. You remember how I told you that he wanted to hook us up? Sure, that’s what he told me and that’s what he told you. But he thinks that I don’t know him as well as I do. You should have seen the way he looked at you while we danced. It was like he wanted to kill me or something…”
“Scott…I…?”
“Look, Nat,” he said, placing his hands on the balls of her shoulders. “Just say the word…just say the word and I’ll get you out of here as fast as I can…if you really think that you can’t marry him, then don’t do it…but think about him…think about how he may feel…his parents aren’t sitting out there either, Natalie…he’s just as alone…but, I swear to you that boy fought for you…he fought for you because he loves you so much…you’re just going to leave him? You’re just going to give that all up because your parents are weak?”
Natalie lowered her eyes. Scotty placed his fingers at her chin. “Look at me, girl…”
So, she did.
“You’re a strong girl, Natalie Chandler. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. So, stand strong for him…like he’s done for you so many times…live the life that you want…stop worrying about what everybody else wants…it’s your life…I’d say…fuck ‘em…fuck ‘em all that don’t know how much you
love that boy…”
Natalie’s lungs filled with air then. Scotty caught another falling tear.
“You’re too pretty to be crying this way, girl,” Scotty said. “It’s your fuckin’ wedding day…let’s get you married and go have a party…how does that sound?”
Happiness…Scotland Lee, the hero.
“Oh yeah, and before I forget,” Scotty said, reaching into his jacket pocket once he’d gotten her to her feet. “He wanted me to give this to you…”
Scotty handed her a small, rectangular shape, wrapped in silver paper. She unwrapped it slowly, sniffling, and she lifted up a small, silver-framed, black-and-white photograph that Scotty took of her with her groom, walking the surf on Jekyll Island. She’d asked him if she could ride on his back all the way back to the house, and he’d agreed shortly following, and Scotty had captured the moment, as the waves crashed against Brandon’s legs.
She fought back the tears to keep from ruining her makeup any further.
Included was a note:
To my Hammock-Swaying Partner, My water-wary companion, my beach-combing friend:
I fell in love with you at this moment…
And I haven’t fallen out of it since…
8.15.06
She couldn’t recall the last time that her entire body trembled this way, that every nerve inside of her body fell numb, and every thought in her mind was a gimmick to get her to breathe correctly. Even though she’d seen every aspect of Brandon it seemed, seeing him in this light seemed strange to her, seemed so foreign. And walking in front of over one hundred people while doing so didn’t help either.
Chloe started playing her guitar, and Aunt Miri started to sing. She considered herself a musical genius then, because they sounded so good together. From her position off to the side, clutching her homemade bouquet for dear life, she watched the bridal party start to walk, as they had rehearsed, and she felt her breath escape her. She subtly fought the urge to retract again. Then, Scotty looked in her direction, just before he walked Maya down the aisle, and he winked.
Her hero had saved her again. She took a deep breath.
She could do this, without her mother, couldn’t she? Yes, she could. She loved Brandon just that much, didn’t she? Leaving him would’ve been the most selfish act…
The guests rose to their feet and her heart stammered a beat…
This…was…it…
She walked slowly, approached the runner, her veil, shielding her face and what stood at the head of the aisle was Brandon, beneath the trellis, with sunlight peering through the branches of the undulating willow tree above him. They locked eyes…yes, she could do this…
She walked slowly along the runner, paced herself, breathed through her parted lips, kept her eyes focused only on Brandon, trying to keep her insides from caving in on her…
She looked from her left to her right; saw the admiring faces and her walk became easier. Then, she focused her eyes on Brandon again.
She reached the end of the aisle, considered herself the pillar of success, and just as she was about to give her bouquet to a crying Maya, she received a tap on her shoulder.
Slightly startled, Natalie turned around, placed a hand to her chest and gasped.
Helen Chandler extended her shaking hands to her daughter’s veiled face, tears streaming from her eyes, and pulled her in close.
“I’m sorry,” her mother whispered into her ear. “I’m sorry for everything.”
Natalie forgave her instantly…
Natalie, stunned, crumbled into tears at the sight, and held onto her mother, for what seemed years. If she was looking for the momentum to carry on with the ceremony, then that was it. Her mother’s embrace was enough to ignite any stint of courage and strength that she had in her…
Part of her wondered why her mother changed her mind, and another part of her couldn’t have cared less. Her mother was there, dressed in the soft pink two-piece suit that the bride had picked out for her, with bouncy black curls, and one of the widest smiles she’d seen in awhile. It was if her mother had reached some sort of clarity, some sort of peace of mind, which allowed her to give up the notion that the world, Brandon especially, was out to get her…
Or, maybe that observation was all in Natalie’s mind; perhaps her mother had simply come to terms with the whereabouts of Natalie’s heart and Natalie’s strength. And for that, the bride was completely overjoyed…
They would talk later, she knew…
They would talk of the dumb things that they’d said to each other, while sipping sweet tea, while sitting on the porch swing, watching the sky fall around them…
They would revel in the fact that despite it all, their connection still lay intact, and submerge themselves in a world of bliss, if only temporarily…
And Helen Marie Chandler would remind her that through hardship, she would still be her baby, forever and a day.
“We are gathered here in the sight of God and these witnesses to unite Brandon and Natalie in holy matrimony. As believers in Jesus Christ, they recognize that it was God who instituted marriage, and who said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ The God who made and redeemed them also instituted this relationship they are about to enter…”
She watched a tear glide down Brandon’s cheek and she felt his hands tremble in hers. She was sure that it was the first time that she’d ever seen him cry, stuttering through his vows, which made her cry, which prompted Granny Marie to pass on the box of tissues that she’d been clutching onto since Natalie walked down the aisle, to the weeping bridesmaids, who were sniffling so loud, that when it became Natalie’s turn to voice her vows, she couldn’t because her tears deterred her concentration. It was a humbling moment when Pastor Joins asked her to repeat, “I, Natalie Savannah, take thee Brandon David, to be my husband, and before God and these witnesses I promise to be a faithful and true wife,” and she didn’t, gazing at Brandon so ardently through her tear-smeared brown eyes that she didn’t hear the pastor.
“Natalie Savannah,” Pastor Joins called to her quietly.
Natalie chuckled with embarrassment, rolled her eyes close, felt the summer air about her face, her the sway of the branches above their heads, and allowed the amusement from her guests roll through her ears before she looked in the pastor’s direction and said, “What?”
The guests laughed again, causing her to laugh again, giving both the bride and the groom an opportunity to wipe the wetness from their eyes.
Pastor Joins, smiling grandly, said, “Repeat after me, Dear Child…”
And she did, staring into Brandon’s reddened eyes with the same earnestness that she’d done so many times before, on beaches, in cars, in apartments, in moonlit bedrooms, in wood-paneled houses. And she realized that she couldn’t have wanted anything more, and it stunned her that her heart could sustain such feelings, even at the moments where she was certain that she hated him…him and his domineering, aggressive ways…making her love him, even when she attempted to convince herself that she felt nothing for him…
She couldn’t look at him then without feeling every nerve jolt, without realizing that this moment meant forever…
Shortly following, Maya handed her the ring and she slowly slid a platinum band on his left hand finger, which she’d had engraved to say: to the moon and back…8.15.06...and she quietly proclaimed, “With this ring, I thee wed…”
Brandon then retrieved his ring from Scotty and placed a platinum diamond band on her finger and quietly proclaimed, “With this ring, I thee wed…”
They then lit the unity candle, off to the right of the trellis, and stood before the officiate again. Pastor Joins looked toward the guests and asked them if anyone had any objections. Natalie closed her eyes then, as quiet fell over the crowd.
“Very well, then if there are no objections,” Pastor Joins began.
Natalie sucked in her breath. She felt Brandon squeeze her hands a little tighter.
This…was…it…
“For as much as Brandon and Natalie have consented together in holy wedlock, and have witnessed the same before God and these witnesses, and thereto have pledged their faithfulness each to the other, and have pledged the same by the giving and receiving each of a ring, by the authority invested in me as a minister of the gospel according to the laws of the State of Georgia, I pronounce that they are husband and wife together, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Those that God has joined together, let no man put asunder…Brandon David, you may now kiss your bride…”
She internally encouraged him to hurry up, as he slowly lifted her veil over her head, revealing her runny nose, wet eyes and ruddy cheeks. He laid a hand along her jaw and gave her the most polite kiss she was sure she’d ever received from him.
And after they’d finished, Pastor Joins followed the pronunciation by encouraging all guests to bow their heads in prayer for the newlyweds.
Newlyweds! Natalie completely felt guilty, because while the pastor prayed, she could think of nothing else but the fact that she was now a wife, a married woman…to Brandon Greene!
When they turned to face their guests, Pastor Joins poignantly referred to them as Mr. and Mrs. Brandon David Greene, which made her clutch onto her stomach with one hand and grab his hand with her other. After all, that moment was simply too surreal to comprehend, and her only hope was that she made it to the end of the aisle without collapsing. She’d finally done it! She’d finally given in to that Brandon Greene!