by E L DuBois
Beauty could feel herself wilting under his gaze. She was retreating into herself and going into self-preservation mode. She ducked her head from his intense gaze and prayed he would not attack her and cost her the job she needed so badly.
The Beast reached out and brushed a stray strand of Beauty’s raven hair from her cheek, inspecting her temple. He began to rub the make-up away until her bruise was more visible. Her body tensed at his touch, and the pain he caused against her tender flesh. His fingertips felt hot against her skin, still cold from the building she had just exited. He slowly glided them down her check to the top of her turtleneck. Beauty did not move. She did not even think she was breathing as he pulled down her collar and caressed the marks he left on her neck. Anxiety grew inside her. Her head shot up from staring at their feet and began to dart around, looking for anyone or any place of salvation from this monster. What if he had come to finish the job? He was being so calm and had been so still as she approached. What if he was in viper mode ready to strike? The Beast must have sensed Beauty’s rising anxiety because he dropped his hands from her neck and placed one on each of her arms. His grip was firm but not painful. It was a silent statement not to run. She hated how he could anticipate her plans. He was like a damn mind reader.
She expected the Beast to lash out at any moment and kill her where she stood. The seconds that he held her in place felt like hours. Beauty could feel her heart beating so hard that she thought it was going to beat right out of her chest. The sound of it was thundering in her ears. Her breaths became pants and she could feel tears beginning to sting the corners of her eyes. Her body began to tremble uncontrollably, and she realized that she must be having a panic attack. She had felt symptoms before, but never this strong. She suddenly became extremely nauseated. She had not eaten all day but what little bit of liquids she had in her stomach were threatening to come up and spew out exorcist-style all over the Beast.
At that thought, Beauty began to laugh hysterically. Maybe she was having a nervous breakdown? The loss of all hope could do that to a person. Maybe her mind had completely snapped at the sight of the Beast roaming free.
Every time Beauty thought she knew what the Beast would do next, he would pull a rabbit out of his bag of tricks and surprise her. Instead of being violent or killing her where she stood, he took her trembling body into his arms and caressed her back. His embrace was almost soothing and placating. He whispered soft words into her hair.
“Shhhh, it’s ok. You are going to be ok.”
“Shhhh, we’re ok. We are going to be ok.”
“Shhhh, I’m not mad. It happened. It’s over. You will fix it.”
Beauty let him do this as she sobbed. The parking lot was empty now except for her and the Beast, and she sobbed hysterically into her monster’s arms. She could feel something vital inside her breaking. Pieces of herself breaking off. Pieces of her soul and the light inside her disintegrating into nothing. She could feel a darkness growing as her light was extinguished. Little by little, the Beast was taking from her and she was dying inside. Beauty cried for the loss. She cried until she only had the harsh silent sobs of breath escaping her gaping mouth. She ugly cried with all she had, until the blissful numbness she always felt after every breakdown began to set in. She had cried so much that at some point, her body went limp, and the Beast was all that was holding her up.
With silence and a blank expression, he escorted her to the passenger side of the car.
“Give me the keys.”
With robotic movements, Beauty did as she was told, and the Beast buckled her into the seat. She stared blankly and said nothing as he started the car and drove to pick up the Princess. The Beast was all smiles as he got the little girl from her sitter. The Princess and the sitter both looked wary of the Beast, but then the Princess saw Beauty and cried, “Mama,” with childlike glee. This seemed to placate the sitter and the Beast said his goodbyes to the woman.
As the Beast approached the car with the Princess in his arms, he was smiling and animated with the child; hugging, kissing, and tickling her. The little girl seemed delighted. Beauty watched through the glass of the windshield as the Princess touched the Beast’s forehead. Her little face scrunched up into a baby scowl.
“Daddy hurt?”
The Beast chuckled softly to the girl.
“No, Daddy not hurt. Nothing can hurt daddy.”
The sweet, little Princess seemed to accept this answer and patted his cheek with a tiny hand.
When the Beast went to put the Princess in the back seat, she insisted on a hug from Mommy. Her little arms were outstretched to Beauty and the smile on her lovely face melted some of the numbness Beauty felt inside. The Beast looked at Beauty through the open car door as she embraced the Princess, and all traces of the love he had been showing the child disappeared. When the Princess let go of Beauty and planted a sweet kiss on her cheek, the Beast scooped up the little girl in a flourish of playfulness and situated the girl in her car seat.
The giggles of the sweet Princess filled the car as the Beast started the ignition and looked over at Beauty. He lifted his hand toward her face and she flinched in response. A false smile spread across his face and a cold resolution glimmered in his eyes. His voice was overtly chipper as he caressed Beauty’s cheek.
“Daddy is so happy to be going home with his girls.”
Beauty wanted to gag.
Chapter 16
When you can’t look on the bright side,
I will sit with you in the dark…
THE BEAST WENT into honeymoon mode. They never spoke of the actual “incident” but Beauty did inquire about how he had made bail. The Beast told her his father had helped and he had given the bail bondsman the title to his truck. He thought it was hilarious, because the bondsman had no clue the truck was totaled.
The Beast spent the next few months holding his temper at bay. He acted remorseful for his actions and tried to slip back into his “boy” persona. Beauty knew it was all a lie, the Boy did not exist. Because of the Beast’s actions that day, Beauty got kicked out of her home. The gated community had a clause that no one living on the property or visiting anyone on the property could commit an arrestable offense on the property grounds. So, for the first time, Beauty was evicted from her home.
The Beast’s loathsome best friend came to the rescue like the superhero Beast idolized him to be. The friend lived in a duplex and the apartment right next to his had been available. With a good word from him, Beauty, the Beast, and the Princess, moved into the duplex. It was run down, in a shady part of town, and a far cry from any place Beauty had ever lived. She did not feel safe inside her home or outside of it. The Beast was overjoyed. He loved it and thought the place was perfect.
“But of course, he would,” Beauty thought. His sleazy friend was right next door.
Beauty lived her life day by day and with each passing day, the Beast’s ability to keep his temper in check waned. He pretended to fear nothing, but in reality, he feared the loss of his freedom very much. He had serious charges looming over his head and he expected Beauty to do everything she could to stop him from losing his freedom. He wrote a statement contradicting the one she had given at the scene. The statement was so absurd it basically contradicted the statement of every witness, but the Beast did not care. He made Beauty sign it anyway. The Beast’s lawyer advised him that Beauty had to attend a class explaining what domestic abuse was, then sign a legal statement that she was not in any way abused. Her class certificates and statements were presented to the courts to get the charges against the Beast dropped. The Beast believed that Beauty could get the charges dropped if she requested that no charges be brought against him. He was ignorant and wrong.
Beauty learned that the Beast already had two Family Violence charges on his record, which happened on the same month he met Beauty. She also found out that in the State they lived in, the State could choose to pursue charges, even if she asked them not to. That fact, combined wit
h his previous Family Violence charges, meant the State would go through with the case. The Beast was livid with Beauty and started to go back to his abusive ways.
In a matter of one summer, Beauty had moved twice, and started a new job. Separated from the Beast and thinking she was free. She was then forced back into his clutches through acts of rape and violence. Almost killed by the Beast and forced to jump through hoops and lies to try and make his court case go away. She was barely holding it together. Daily life was a blur. Only the fights, violence, and rape stuck out in her mind. She did not know how she managed to make it through each day at work and pretend to be normal, but she had to work. She even picked up more hours because the Beast had quit his job. His drug use had increased, and his erratic behavior made it impossible for him to hold down any kind of job.
He was spending all their money on drugs, and no bills were being paid. They were being evicted again and Beauty’s car got repossessed. She had never been so low in her life. The Beast was not only using Beauty to please his every sadistic need, but now, he was turning her into a repulsive person. One who owed people money and lied. Her word was no good. All promises she made to pay were false promises, because the Beast blew through all the money the minute it hit the account.
Beauty had become someone she never thought she would be. Her whole life, she had strived for wonderful things, and now, she could not even keep a roof over her head or a car to drive.
The Queen stepped in and helped Beauty get another vehicle. Beauty took all her money from her next paycheck and found them a nice house in a nice neighborhood, and they moved in the darkness of night. She hated the way these actions made her feel like a thief slipping out into the night. But what choice did she have? The Beast was her burden and she had to keep a home, vehicle, and food for the Princess.
Beauty got very lucky with the new home. It was a beautiful, large mansion compared to the shady little duplex. A two-story new construction with a large backyard and a safe neighborhood. The Beast even seemed proud of it and tried to get his act together some. Getting him away from his druggie friend next door curbed some of the drug use and the Beast was able to get a job. A decent job, to Beauty’s surprise. He made good money and they finally seemed to be on track to being financially stable.
However, the Beast was a destroyer. The more stable life became, the harder it became for him to keep his temper in check. His violent rages were weekly, not daily. Most likely because he did not have controlled substances in his system to provoke them. His drug of choice was mostly pot and he became sedated until his mental issues would overtake him, and he would lash out at Beauty. She learned in the first few months that being thrown down a high flight of stairs was very painful, and she swore she would never again live in a two-story house.
As the air grew cooler and fall settled in Beauty began to be sick. She was standing in a fast-food restaurant with the Beast and his family when she rushed out of line and into the bathroom. The Drama Queen followed her in and listened as Beauty retched up all the contents of her stomach. She thought for sure she had a stomach flu or food poisoning. As she washed her face and gargled with water, she looked up to see the Drama Queen staring at her, a smirk on her lips.
“Are you sure that is the problem?”
Beauty was perplexed
“What do you mean?”
The Drama Queen approached Beauty and rummaged around in her huge purse. With an aha look, she pulled out a white stick and handed it to Beauty.
“What I mean is maybe you should go take this.”
Beauty raised an eyebrow. “You carry pregnancy tests around in your purse?”
The Drama Queen just shrugged and shooed Beauty into a stall. With her vile sister in-law hovering just outside the dented metal door of the stall, Beauty peed on the stick. And waited…and waited…praying for a negative. Instead, two pink lines formed, and her heart sank. She was not unhappy to have a child growing inside her. She was unhappy to have his child inside her. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have let this happen? She was on birth control. She took it faithfully even though she kept it hidden and the Beast did not know. He did not want her on birth control. He wanted more children, but she had almost died during the first pregnancy. Beauty tried to remember the last time she had her period. It had been at least two months ago. Maybe more. She had thought it was from stress and she bled sometimes after the rapes, so she couldn’t tell what was her cycle and what was from trauma. When she was on birth control, the cycles never lasted more than two days and she showed very few symptoms. So, she thought, maybe all the stress had caused her to be lighter or not have her period at all.
She was such an idiot, and this was her life. Another momentous change and it was happening in a fast food restaurant stall, with her sitting on a toilet, freaking out. The Drama Queen’s shrill voice brought Beauty back to reality.
“So, what’s it say? I’ve been waiting out here ten minutes.”
All Beauty could do was unlock the stall, step out, and hand the Drama Queen the stick. The woman went nuts with joy. She was jumping up and down, acting so excited like she was the one pregnant. She even pocked the positive pregnancy test.
Beauty thought, “Huh, I wonder if she’s going to hold on to that to try and trap some guy into thinking she’s pregnant and marrying her. Then, faking a miscarriage. I could totally see this Bitch doing that.”
The Drama Queen continued to be overjoyed and Beauty just stared. A knock came at the bathroom door, followed by the Beast’s deep voice.
“Everything ok in there? You better not be doing anything kinky with my beautiful wife!”
The Drama Queen pulled the stick from her purse and announced loud enough for everyone in the whole fast food restaurant to hear.
“She’s pregnant! Beauty’s pregnant!”
Beauty’s face turned beet red. She was in white-trash hell and this bitch had no shame. The Beast’s gaze was intense.
“Is it true?”
Beauty nodded and pointed at her bouncing she-devil of a sister in-law. “According to the stick she carries around in her purse.”
A slow smile spread across the Beast’s face as he eyed her belly. It made Beauty uneasy and her first thought was, “Oh God, please don’t let it be a boy!”
Chapter 17
It would be so nice if something would make sense for a change...
LIFE HAD A funny way of jumping up and biting Beauty in the butt. After months, hell, even years of instability, she had managed to find a home, keep a job, and hold her sanity together throughout all the chaos. And then, she finds herself pregnant. With no health insurance, yet.
When they had returned home on the night she found out about the pregnancy, Beauty put the sweet princess to bed and walked wearily toward the living room. The Beast sat on one of the antique sofas and patted the seat next to him. She sat down, and her head fell back as a long sigh escaped her lips. The Beast was quiet for a long time. His faced looked pensive, as if he were deep in thought. Beauty was nearly asleep when he finally spoke.
“This time it will be a boy and things are going to be different.”
Beauty just sat quietly, stunned. The Beast had done another unimaginable thing. He had slid from the couch and was kneeling in front of her. His body seemed tense as he started to proclaim that this pregnancy would be different. He made her promises of a better life. Promised no more torture. Promised he would be a good man. Promises of no more drugs. Promised he wanted to be a man and not a monster. Promises, promises, promises. Beauty had heard his promises so many times that her only response was, “Actions speak louder than words. Of all the many cruel lessons you have taught me, I know this one well. If someone is truly sorry for what they have done to you, the best way they can show their remorse is not to repeat that action.”
At her statement, with his rough hands clasped around her small ones, the Beast regarded Beauty with a look she could almost believe was admiration. Not love, no, t
he Beast did not know what love was. His version of it meant pain. He thought love had to hurt and that the only way to show love was through pain or pushing the other person to the brink of insanity. His logic was one Beauty thought she would never understand, but in that moment, as he gave her that look, the puzzle pieces that had never quite fit started to come together. He looked almost vulnerable. Beauty had regarded her situation as a dangerous chess match where everyone and every aspect of their lives played into the ongoing brutal game. She thought the Beast viewed her as a pawn to his King, but Beauty was quickly beginning to realize that she was the Queen to his King, and in chess, the Queen is the most important piece on the board. The King is nothing without the Queen, and to the Beast, she was his Queen. It was a game changer.
Beauty looked at the Beast. Really looked at the monster in front of her. She tried to see the man, not the monster. She took in his gaunt appearance, disheveled clothes and pleading eyes. Beauty had spent so much time fearing this Beast and feeling like nothing to him, yet looking at him now, she saw she was everything. In a very sadistic, messed up way, she was everything to the Beast, and the thought unnerved her.
Beauty was the only thing holding him together. Without her, he would spiral out of control and she did not want that responsibility. He had twisted her mind so thoroughly that she felt pity for her monster, maybe even a real love, not the false one she had been playing at.
He was like Frankenstein’s monster, a creation of sadistic parents who showed no love and had left him to fend for himself with no concept of what love was.
Beauty had been asking herself for years why she had put up with his torments and degradations, and she realized that somewhere deep down in her dwindling soul, she thought she could change the Beast. The will to stay had been born out of fear, but somewhere along this journey, it had morphed into something much more complicated. Beauty was trying to teach this monster what real love was. In doing so, she had given almost every part of herself and taken all the brutality and pain he dished out to try and teach him he was worthy of love. He had been killing pieces of her, and she had been allowing it.