by Jen Lowry
Denise kept throwing me strange glances as the day went by. Finally, I mustered my courage and asked her, “What you keep wearing that look for? I see the way your eyes are all quizzing me.”
“You passed up on a date date for a family date? Why?”
She didn’t quite get me yet. But I was sure she would, by the end of it. Even if it took her through her whole undergraduate degree to get smart on me.
“We kinda come together perfect, all of us. I’m more me when I’m with them, not worrying about them or wondering.”
How to explain to someone who didn’t have to share an existence with her family the way I did? She was an only child. And she had her own dorm room now—totally different planet than I would ever land on. And even though I might have a semblance of a future now, it was still up for grabs what God would reveal for me.
“What do you think would happen to them? If that’s what it’s all about, then I’ll baby-sit Bell here at Soul Food for my night shift. She won’t get in the way like she would on a date.”
Her tone was light, and I knew that she wasn’t knocking on Bell or me. So, I didn’t take offense.
“They won’t get in the way with me and Ray. Ray gets it.”
He came up behind me. I could sense it by the way Denise seemed to shut down, as if we were talking about something secretive.
“I do get it—and Denise, don’t start trying to change my woman now. I love her just the way she is.”
He squeezed my hand before passing by to the next table.
She shrugged. “Love, huh?” Her face had fallen, right down to the tile.
Ray heard her sour tone. “It’s going to be fine with you, Denise. You’ll meet a nice man. Maybe even in the seminary school. Be patient. Don’t look so hard. Just let the Lord work for you. I’m proof that if you trust and wait, the perfect one will appear at your door.”
That reminded me of Ray’s apron, and then of what Daddy had been hiding, not ready to testify. I whispered to him while the kids were busy filling up the salt and pepper shakers for Mrs. Sunshine.
“Can I peek at your apron now?”
He nodded. My hand was shaking as I opened the drawer behind the counter. He had it folded inside out, and I had to twist it to read those Bible words. But one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
I folded it back up neatly, rubbing it gently in my hands. Was it when Mrs. Sunshine gave him the apron that he wised on up? Or was it my words, or the pressure of the universe, or seeing me lying on my back on the floor of number seven? I sighed, looking at Daddy—maybe for the first time. He was watching me with that same look of intent. When he was ready, I was sure he was going to let me in on what had been plaguing him. Maybe it was about Ray and me, or about that wallet of his that somehow had more money in it than Mrs. Sunshine had divvied out. Maybe it was the responsibility of trying to own his life, not borrow it.
He came up to me behind the counter. I still hadn’t moved, thinking of how the Lord had worked us up and down and all around to this very spot. He stood beside me, looking out at the youngins. “Well, what are you thinking about, Sweet Potato Pie?”
How to say it all? “God knows it all, and it’s all good. No point in hashing out pasts or what-ifs.”
He nodded again. “Good sum-up. Now about this night out. What are you expecting from it?”
“You to go to that hotel and get that pink dress and her sandals and her little, pink bows. Maybe me and Denise can make her over.”
I blinked back tears, watching Denise and Mrs. Sunshine doing the bump. When Bell jumped into the mix, Mrs. Sunshine’s big hips about knocked her clear into the next booth.
“What you expecting for you, Sweet Potato? I’m talking about you and you alone, for once.”
“Me? I don’t know what you mean, Daddy.”
His mustache was twitching like he was making up his mind about something.
“You really want to marry this boy? I’ve only heard Ray doing the talking. I ain’t heard nothing from you.”
His voice was low, and I was sure that he didn’t want to have this conversation here and now. Probably never, honestly.
“Daddy. We’re talking about a first date. But yes, I want to marry this boy. No matter how strange it might sound to the world. I’m not of this world, I guess, I go by my own way.”
He put his hand on my arm. “You don’t run away on me. You stay put. You hear me?”
I frowned. “What are you talking about, Daddy? I ain’t never the one running. Why do I keep hearing about this? I think you’ve covered that one for the both of us.”
“You’re always running away, Sweet Potato, even though you’re right here. You’re like one of those big projection screens at a picture show. You take in. You only release the colors that have been given to you. You play the part and say what has to be said, then close the curtain. Nobody can grab hold of you, because you are up in that little room, away from it all. You can’t do that with this boy. You just got to be you. The you I know you can be.”
He wasn’t making a bit of sense. “I’m like a movie? What? Daddy, what are you saying?”
“You ain’t taking the kids with you tonight. I decided I’m not letting you.”
He crossed his arms and braced himself for a showdown.
“You decided, huh? But what if I’ve decided I need them there with me?”
“I think it’s downright hilarious that we keep going ‘round and ‘round the mulberry on this one, Sweet Potato. I’m pulling rank on this. You can’t hide behind them youngins forever. You need to stand on your own two feet, not octopus legs. So there.”
Ray came out of the swinging doors, holding his cleanup bucket. Daddy motioned for him to follow him outside. Great. Go on and tell Ray that I’m some movie, or whatever you were trying to get at. Was he going to warn Ray I acted my way through life? Did he think I was that shallow? I was deep in it with this family, and he better never forget it.
“Oh, Lordy, no!” I spoke out loud without meaning to.
Mrs. Sunshine rushed over. “What’s the matter? What happened?”
“I done happened to get myself in a load of mess.” The tears started to form. I double-dog-dared them to show up now.
She followed my gaze out the window to where Ray and Daddy were apparently discussing how to buy tickets to my movie.
Mrs. Sunshine positioned up. “What now? You need me to go storming out there talking to your daddy?” She rolled her quarter sleeves up to her biceps.
“Just find out if I’m off to the Ray date alone, that’s all.”
I knew I sounded ridiculous. That should be what I wanted, right?
“You sound like that’s a dreadful thing, baby girl.”
I bit my lip. Ray was laughing through the window. The joke was now on me. Oh, Lordy!
Denise leaned over the counter. “You’ll be alright, Sweet Potato. It’s just Ray.”
Could she not see that was the problem? Just Ray was the best thing in the world. What if he got me alone and figured me out to be nothing? As empty as I felt?
What about Bell having a wonderful night? But it wasn’t about Bell in a pink dress. She could save that for Sunday singing. I knew that. She didn’t look too disappointed when Daddy sauntered on over to give them the news. She actually looked at me and winked, letting me know that she probably had something to do with this. What was I ever going to do with these youngins?
I rushed to the bathroom to check my face in the mirror, to see if it looked like something from one of those low-budget horror films from the forties we had to watch in English class for comparative analysis—that fake, plastered-on look, all pouty-mouthed and wide-eyed. But it was plain ol’ me, with those eyes full of quiet serenity.
I leaned over the sink. “What you trying to say to me,
Momma? What is it, doggone it?”
Momma didn’t answer. Her voice wouldn’t come to me. I looked down at my watch. It was getting to be about that time.
There was a knock on the door.
My voice echoed. “Huh? Hello?”
Maize coughed. “Come on out, Sweet Potato.”
I slid through the door, even though I could have opened it all the way. “What? You got to use the girls’ room?”
He took my hand. “No. Come on out.” He led me outside. What was this? A meeting out on the street?
“Why you trippin’; going to hide in the bathroom? Daddy told me you didn’t want to go out with Ray. I thought you wanted to be that boy’s girlfriend. Has he been pressuring you? You in trouble? Let me find out.” He wiped his brow. The Lord was turning up the heat, and I was about to boil over.
“No! You know I love Ray, Maize. But … alone? I don’t do well without y’all to help carry me. You know that about me more than anyone.” I inched closer to him.
He shielded his eyes from the sun. “Listen to me, big sis. You need Ray like the crops need rain. Like the farmers pray for it.”
“I know about Ray. I don’t know about me.”
“I know about you, and you are hands-down the model of what a woman should be. You got this, sis. You know that no one deserves you. You shine that golden. But if it has to be anyone, I guess we gotta stick with Ray.”
Maize knew all about my insecurities. I hid them from everybody else, but Maize and I were closer in age and experience, and I knew he struggled with them on his own level. I protected Bell from all my secret misgivings and doubts about myself. Bean was in his own, little zoo yard. Me and Maize, we played the survivor game. He was always trying in his way to build me up, and I loved him for that.
“So, your sayin’ you approve of Ray?”
“Yep. Something like that. Go out and have fun, Sweet Potato. Tell me all about it, so when I start asking them lucky ladies out, I’ll have a database of moves.”
“Whatever. I ain’t telling you nothing, but I’m going to ask you for one thing. Pray for me, Maize.” I was afraid to speak it too loud, in case the Devil caught wind of my next insecurity. “Pray that he’ll love me once he gets me alone.”
Maize gave me a big, sweaty hug. “I don’t have to pray for that. I know that to be the truth. I don’t know about the praying stuff, but I do hope you’ll figure out how much you are worth.”
“For a little brother, you’re awfully sweet.”
He swung open the door for me like a gentleman, already practicing his lady-killing skills. “I heard that it’s running in the family today. Might as well jump on that train.”
Bean came bouncing up, jumping on Maize’s back. “Hey, did you hear about the time when the train came to town?” Bean and another homegrown joke.
We all said in unison, “No. What happened when the train came to town?”
He laughed before he could even get it out. “It went kissy-kissy-choo-choo … All aboard the love train. Next stop, Rayville.”
I hid my face in my hands. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I’d got the chance to have a date alone with Ray. He might not love me at the end of the night, but it sure wouldn’t be because my fanatical, little brother scared him off. I’d have to do that all by myself.
Mrs. Sunshine allowed me time to use the bathroom connected to her bedroom. Angels of all different shapes and sizes lined the countertops. She told me that customers always gave her angels, and she kept every one of them. I couldn’t help but raise my eyebrows when she held out a bag from a department store. Inside was a new blouse and a pair of sleek blue jeans that were more for dressing up than my relaxed ones. No cartoon-character t-shirt for me tonight. She gifted me a simple, burgundy, button-up top with a waist belt, looped tie, and little, pearl cuff buttons. The pants were my exact size, which was hard to find. When I tried the outfit on, I had to admit that it suited me. She’d done good.
Mrs. Sunshine clapped. “Perfect. I knew that it would fit you. I slipped it up to the lady when you were picking out Bell’s clothes. I was going to save it for your birthday, but I decided differently.”
She seemed mighty pleased with herself, and I couldn’t fault her. This was a lot more appropriate for a date night than what I had on. Especially this date night, the most important one. This was either going to make or break me. If we made it, this one would be the one we’d tell our kids about.
“Thank you so much for everything, Mrs. Sunshine. I guess this is it.”
She’d done all that she could do for me. God himself couldn’t change me up in the next ten minutes. I’d have to do with what I had been given.
“Why are you talking like this is the end of the world, child? I thought you would’ve been excited to go out with my boy. If he sees you all glum, he’ll think that you don’t want to be with him, and that won’t do. That won’t do at all.”
She pulled out her makeup bag and brushed a little bit of pink onto my cheeks, even though I told her it wasn’t necessary. You couldn’t stop Mrs. Sunshine from doing what she wanted. She clipped a silver, angel barrette in my hair, and after she was finished with me, I had to admit I looked right decent.
“It’s not that. I want to be with him. More than anything in the world. I just … it’s just that …”
He’ll see me, the truth of things, and then he won’t want me anymore, and my first date will end in one dirty mess, and he’ll sweep me right out the front door. And my youngins would hear of how my first date was a failure, and the wedding bells would never ring with Ray, and …
She turned me to her. “Clear up that mind, Sweet Potato. I see you burying yourself right in the ground. Let me pull you on up, Sweet Potato.”
She pulled on my hair a little like she could yank me up, root and all. “Come let that sunshine glow on you. I wish you’d look at you the way that we do.”
She forced me back to the mirror, and she got right up to my ear and whispered, “You’re a beautiful soul. I can see your heart wide and vast like the ocean. Believe it, ’cause I don’t lie, thank you very much.”
“I believe I’m gonna be sick.” I gave her a look, and she stepped out—just in time, because I let it go right there in her toilet.
She laughed through the door. “Honey. It’s just Ray!”
I cleaned myself up and came on out, shaking. “Exactly.”
Ray was down the hall. I could hear him moving around in his little bedroom. Did that mean he could hear me? Oh, Lordy, no!
“Momma, is she ready?”
Mrs. Sunshine twisted her mouth like she was still deciding, shook her head, and replied, “Ready as she’ll ever be.”
I took a step out into the hallway. I watched him turn the corner out of his room, and I caught my breath. He had on a black-and-blue dress shirt tucked into a pair of those well-fitting jeans I loved so much, the faded ones with the fringes on the bottom. He looked so handsome that I couldn’t breathe.
He whispered, “You look so beautiful, baby.”
Baby. Beautiful. Broom, go away. I couldn’t answer him and stood there letting the wall hold me up. His hand found mine, and I felt the weight of all my insecurities and fears fly away out the opened bedroom window. Oh, Ray.
He never let go of my hand as I followed him down the hallway and through the kitchen, past Daddy and the youngins. He promised Daddy we would be at the hotel by ten. Daddy called a taxi to take him and the kids on back, since they had all finished their pie. Bean was begging to go swimming again. Maize held up his hand to me, and I tried to smile at him, but I couldn’t move my face muscles. With all of this emotion building up inside of me, I was scared if I started crying, I’d never stop.
When we made it to his car, I let him help me inside. He leaned in close to me, and I could smell that he’d put on some nice cologne. Lovely. I closed my eyes, letting out a heavy sigh.
He chuckled softly. “I’m nervous
, too, Sweet Potato.”
Nervous? Ray? He got in and started the car, being extra careful with his new equipment. The air conditioning vents right on me, the music was already set to our Soul Food station. It all seemed lovely, especially when his hand came over to mine after he’d pulled out safely onto the interstate. I wished I could’ve looked out the window, taking in the road signs and all the details, but all I could do was look at him.
He kept glancing over at me. “What is it, Sweet Potato?”
I shrugged. “You? Nervous? I doubt that.”
He’d had a girlfriend before. I remembered Denise saying that when I’d first met him. He’d probably had a handful of them.
“I want to make you happy. This is important, so it’s pressure like I’ve never felt before. Like what if I can’t measure up and make you happy?” He turned off the main road, and I could start to see the festival parking signs.
“I’m with you, aren’t I? That is happy.”
Just right here was already the best date I could ever have—sitting in the car, doing nothing at all but holding hands. I had my own little festival inside Big Red. Who needed face-painting and cotton candy?
Ray pointed to the entrance. “We’re here.”
He pulled into a parking space and led me to the gate. Vendor tents lined the community center, filled with crafts and food. Kids yelled and squealed on the inflatable castles and slides.
Ray said, “I thought Bean would’ve liked that.”
Bell would have loved to see the brick stage, all lined up with brass instruments on stands with musicians ready to play. The Blues and Gospel Festival was perfect for us. I could do this date business, but most importantly I could be me.
Ray took me down a long pier that was empty of onlookers. No one else came down from the fancy, white-tent areas, but we could still hear the music finding us as we walked the planks over Hampton Harbor. As we reached the end of the pier, Ray pulled me close, holding me against his chest as we looked out across the endless water. I’d never seen the beach before, and it was downright spectacular—out of the realm of words and knowledge, space and time. It was what I would’ve wanted the youngins to experience. Riding in a car with someone I loved to a beach with bouncy houses and glory singing. We would have to bring them back someday.