by Jen Lowry
He reached across and grabbed my hand. “Promise me you won’t go down there again. Promise me. I swear I was about to lose my mind.”
He pulled over on the side of the road and put the car in park. “Come here.” He reached across and grabbed me, kissing me full on the mouth. “I can’t have you going down there ever again, do you hear me?”
“Maize is gone,” I said quietly.
“Wait—you said you found him.”
“He’s not Maize anymore.”
I put my head on Ray’s shoulder and watched as the cars passed by. The world was moving on, even as mine had stopped.
“I’m so sorry, Sweet Potato. Everything seemed to blow up. Bombs are hitting from every direction.” His arms held me tightly.
I cried, “How can things all get better and then worse at the same time? How can God do this to me? I’ve been His faithful servant. I’ve believed, even when I shouldn’t. I believed more here than in any other place.”
“Believe without ceasing, Sweet Potato. God is still here with you. Maize made his own choice, and now …”
He didn’t finish what I knew he was about to say. He’ll have to live with those choices or die by them, one or the other. But I would be the one living with them, too. Bell and Bean thought Daddy would be able to go down there and pull Maize out from their clutches, and our life would go back to our un-normal existence. Daddy was going to get himself killed if he didn’t watch it. Those Grims would have hurt me if they had caught me. I remembered the blank look in Maize’s eyes when I told him about the kids being signed off. He’d acted like he didn’t even care. I’d lost my little brother for good. Before, he would’ve fought anyone—a dragon, a giant—for Bell and Bean. The venom was spreading in his veins, and I feared we’d never find an antidote to fight it.
“I told him if he came back, we would hide him. We would go to the farm. They’d never be able to find him.”
I sat back in my seat, and Ray set the car moving on down the road to Soul Food.
“And what did he say?” I didn’t hear any hope in his voice.
“He said he had no choice. He had this sickle tattooed on his whole arm. You know what they called him?” I sighed. “They called him Shack. That broke my heart.”
“Why? Shaq was one of his favorites. Didn’t he have a card he carried with him?” He tried to smile at me, but it didn’t feel right for any of us to be smiling.
“We came from a shack, Ray. He’ll be reminded of it every time somebody plays tag or calls his name.”
I sighed, drawing my feet into me. I wanted Ray to keep driving—to hit the interstate and never look back.
“What if they saw him playing basketball and called him Shaq after Shaquille O’Neal? That was probably what they meant. I remembered Maize saying he wanted to be a basketball player for the NBA.”
“Oh.” I exhaled in relief.
“We have to keep moving on from our pasts, Sweet Potato. Whatever life throws at us, God will find a way to turn this into a message.”
He pulled up in his garage. It was Sunday afternoon, and the Soul Food was closed. Mrs. Sunshine was sitting out on the back patio with a tall glass of lemonade, talking to Mr. Joe while he grilled some steaks. Life was going on. My heart was still beating.
“Well?” Mrs. Sunshine stood up, walking quickly to me. “Baby, come here.”
She knew without me having to say a word. I guessed she was right when she said she could read me like a book. My drama had come to an end. It was over, no cliffhangers. She took me in her arms and cradled me as a momma would.
“You hush now, you hear?”
But I didn’t even know if I was crying, at this point. Ray’s hand was on my hair. Mr. Joe was coming over to put his arms around me, too.
“I ain’t had one of these huddles since my high-school football days. Feels kinda girly.”
I laughed again. How could I make that sound? They squeezed me harder. “I’ve got to tell Daddy what I saw.”
That meant I would have to face him. Never mind. Well, maybe Ray could. I honestly never wanted to talk to that man for as long as I lived. I could write it down for him—tell him not to waste his time going down there to bring Maize back. Maize didn’t exist anymore.
“He’s out. Left right after stopping by here around two. He said he would check in on you and the kids by calling,” Mr. Joe said. He stepped back, straightened his apron, and went off back to cooking.
Ray grabbed my hands and pulled me into an embrace of his own. “You’re staying with us, if you haven’t figured that out yet.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.” I looked over his shoulder at Mrs. Sunshine. “Did you fight for my kids?”
“Your Daddy did all that behind our backs, Sweet Potato. But I believe it’s God’s way for those precious children. We know full well they’ll be taken care of.” She blinked hard. “What are you going to do?”
“They told me not to fight for them, but that’s like telling me not to breathe air.”
I fell on the grass again, not wanting to sit in them patio chairs. I wanted to be connected to something godly, not man-made. Not steel.
Ray reminded me. “You need to call them. It’s getting late.”
I dialed the number quickly with his phone, and my heartbeat quickened with each ring. When Mrs. Patty answered the call, she told me I could come over to see the kids any time, day or night. She tried to assure me they’d wanted me to stay with them, as well, but Daddy had said I would rather stay with Mrs. Sunshine and Ray. He didn’t have any right to make any of those decisions. I would’ve chosen those kids, but it was too late now. My life had been decided for me—yet again with no control on my part. Soon, that was going to change.
The kids told me all about their supper with the Andersons. Bean was hollering in the background that Pastor laughed at his joke about the blind man. I would’ve laughed if I could’ve been a witness.
“That sounds nice,” I said, feeling the lump rise in my throat. When they asked me what I had been up to, I lied and told them, “Nothing at all. Just boring old stuff.”
Telling them I’d seen their tatted brother in the middle of becoming a street soldier wouldn’t be a good-night story worth sharing. “Well, goodnight then, my two little turtle doves, sweet loves from heaven above,” I said to them both on speakerphone.
The plates were set out on the patio table, and I stared down at the food. Did they expect me to eat this? They all took hands around the table, and Ray blessed the food. So that was how it was done in a normal house. The conversation was all about Maize and what the church had been doing to look for him.
“Call them off. Call it off, Mrs. Sunshine. Tell Pastor it’s a lost cause.” I pushed at the food on my plate. “Somebody is going to get hurt if they go down there.”
“Clarence has been down talking to your daddy some.” Mrs. Sunshine patted my hand.
I had to know the whole story about Denise’s brother. “Tell me about what happened, please. I have to hear it all,” I begged them.
Ray said, “She needs to know. Devon being in The Five is something we don’t ever discuss. You know how you told me Maize was dead. He was lost. Devon has been lost to that life for three years.”
“The Five? What is that?” It didn’t sound like no gang—more like the Jackson Five or a boy band.
“Devon was a bright boy with a future of gold,” Mrs. Sunshine said. “He would’ve been on a scholarship to play ball. He even helped Ray when he was first on the JV team. He was my sweet nephew that always had joy in his step.”
Mr. Joe said, “They call him the Joker, and the last time I saw him, he got a tattoo of a joker card on his whole back. The fool.”
“He joined The Five when he was sixteen. Not much older than Maize. Those gang members would seek out the kids they thought were weak and would pull them through the fence like magicians.”
“Like Maize,” I whispered. “H
e’d told me he was going to run away, but I didn’t believe nothing he said. He told me he was going to get lost. And that was what he did.”
“You know the path that he’s on is self-destructing.” Ray paused, trying to judge my reaction.
“I know gang life. I’m a street-junkie’s daughter, a shelter queen. Don’t you think I knew what I was walking into today? That man told me I didn’t know the rules, but I know that Maize signed over his blood and guts and will give it all to them for the sake of that name. That life. He’s dead to this world, and the Devil has him aholt.” I shivered, my breathing ragged and voice hoarse.
“The Five have a special initiation. Five killings in five days, and you’re in,” Ray said. “My cousin, a cold-blooded killer. He played war with me in this backyard. I looked up to him. Five in five days.”
“Oh,” I cried. “The beating that Maize took. His eye, his cheek. He’d been in some fight. What if he’s killed somebody already? He’s just a baby.”
“We don’t know how the East Coast Grims work in their initiations, but we know they have been gaining strength, even though they’re a local gang. There are always warrants out for them—newsflashes. Their tags are coming closer and closer as their territory mounts.”
Mrs. Sunshine reached out to me. “And they are enemies to The Five.”
At my previous school, we had a gang that wasn’t any joke. They brought their name to the school, and not a single campus officer or teacher even tried to stop them. How was Maize handling all the pressure and the Devil’s work around him? I knew my chances of ever having him back were none to none.
“He’s gonna die,” I said quietly. “Or go to jail. I know the result. So did he. That’s what kills me about this. I know why he joined the gang.”
“He told you? Devon jumped head-first into a world unknown to him. By the time we tried an intervention, he had already murdered and was a top seller on the street. He seemed to be loving the taste of that thug life. He was too far gone.”
Mrs. Sunshine said, “That’s why Clarence is out there with your daddy, looking for Maize. They might get him before he’s initiated, and to somebody that might make a difference.”
Reality was sinking in. “He knew he could get lost in a gang, and that once he was in, I wouldn’t be able to interfere. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to be free of us, but he was too scared to make it on his own. It makes sense to me now.” I pitied their hopeful hearts. They should have known from their own experience with Devon that Maize was never coming back to me.
Mr. Joe stood up. “Well, if we aren’t going to eat this meal, we best wrap it up for later. Let’s get you settled.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me up.
Mrs. Sunshine said, “I know you’ve had a tough one, Sweet Potato. Let me run you a bath.”
She said that so normal—like that was what mommas did for their children. If the bath had bubbles, I might lose my mind up in here.
Ray smiled at me. “Anything that is here is yours now. You know that, right?”
I tried to fight off the dull throbbing starting at the base of my neck. How my feet moved down the hallway into that tub, I didn’t even know. Maybe I was in shock. None of this was happening to me. Dear God, let me wake up and let me be … where? The motel with them kids all huddled up with me on one bed? Give me the shed, Lord, at that old abandoned house. Give me those woods where we played Peter Pan with broken limbs and sticks for swords, fighting off Captain Hook. Let me be Wendy and take Maize’s hand and fly away with our own little Tinkerbell over the pines and through the swamps of North Carolina again.
Give me those days when I could make up a story, weave them into a spell and a smile. I’d make them forget their existence for a little while. Give me a chance to show the kids I could make us a new way, a reality that gave them all they needed. All we needed was love and being together. I always knew that. That was what the road taught me. I had to get us back together, but was that what God had in store for us, after this?
Maybe what Bean and Bell could get was what they had deserved all along—a replacement family, but a family all the same. The Pastor said he would take care of them, and his words moved in my spirit even though I denied them. I knew they both wanted that. I always thought I was their life support, but Daddy had pulled my plug. Miraculously, I was breathing on my own. How come?
Daddy. I pounded the water with my fist, watching how the ripple went out around me. That was like Daddy sending shock waves all throughout our lives, without taking any responsibility for it. How could he have denied us that farm? How could he have strung us along, tearing us down emotionally when he should have been building us up? And I had loved him. I had trusted his leadership, never failing to encourage and support him. He was more lost to me now than Maize was. I would have to face the fact that the life I once knew was now over. I had to learn to cope and maneuver through this new set of obstacles. How I was to do that, I wasn’t quite sure. I remembered what Ray had told Daddy and me before—that we needed to pray ourselves through it. I guessed I could always start there.
I dragged myself out of the bath and into a set of clothes Mrs. Sunshine put up for me. It was a VCU t-shirt with a pair of plaid pajama pants. The closest things to pajamas I’d ever owned.
When Mrs. Sunshine heard the bathroom door open, she came out to me right away.
“Can you come in here with me and sit a spell?”
She led me to the couch, which was already made up for Ray. She had piled him up some sheets, and he had a couple of pillows waiting for him. It had been decided I’d take Ray’s room for the duration of my stay.
She smiled sweetly at me. “Let me see those eyes. Come here, baby. I know you feel like a caged bird singing sad tunes, but you’ve been free all this time. You just have to realize it.”
“Free?” I loved the way her arms felt around me, safe. I hoped Bell felt that when Mrs. Patty reached out to her. I hoped they were sleeping soundly. “I’ve never been free.”
“What you have lived, Sweet Potato—that life that you brought along with you—it has made you who you are. You are beautiful in spirit, a testimony to God’s handiwork.”
“You speak like you know what kind of life I lead. You have this.” I waved my hand around the room, and my eyes fell on her Jesus picture.
My boat was surely rocking, but I didn’t feel like having no party on top. I was diving headfirst into the ocean and letting myself float away with the shipwrecked parts of my family. “You have pictures on a wall. You have matching curtains and an armchair. You’ve planted yourself in one place your whole life, and you see what you want to see. You see me free, but I’ve been a prisoner to this world, and I don’t think I’ll ever be let out on parole. I’m serving a life sentence, Mrs. Sunshine.”
“What’s in your heart? It’s not this piece of furniture, or even those pictures. It’s what is inside of you. Your heart, Sweet Potato. That’s what makes you who you are. It’s the value of a person, their ability to give to the world, not what the world can give them. You give freely, openly. You love with all your might, not halfway. God’s never left you alone, even in an abandoned house. He’s been your walls, your chair, your bed, your breath … even when you might have felt you couldn’t breathe, you took the next one.”
“Before coming here, I didn’t have my faith right, and I’ll be honest about it with you. I ain’t told nobody that, but it’s true.” I was ashamed to even to say out loud that I’d went through a dry spell. I wondered if that was why I was being punished now.
“There are times in all of our lives when we find ourselves maybe not at our truest spiritual connection with God. We allow other things to take precedence over what is the most important. I’ve had those times, and to tell you that I’ve walked every step of the way in perfect harmony would be a lie. But I’ve always come back to Him. We are imperfect people serving a perfect God who loves us just the way we come to him. When
my feet hit away from His path, I’ve had a gentle push of the Spirit to bring me back to the narrow road. That’s the way we get through this, and we are not alone.”
I knew exactly what she meant. “But I think the only thing I had going for me was the kids. They kept me steering us along. They kept me believing when I didn’t even think I deserved to say the word ‘Jesus.’ And now …”
“They are in God’s hands, like you are. Do you want a life on the road for those kids? I’m not talking about Maize and what he has chosen. I’m talking about your little ones. Would you want them at a motel or the parsonage?”
I said, “I guess I’m selfish. I want them wherever I am. I want them with Ray and me. And I guess what I’m saying is it ain’t about them, really, is it? It’s about me.” I put my hand over my mouth. “Wow.”
“Go on, baby. What you getting at here?”
“A dose of that soul food, I guess.” I laughed, pushing tears away. “If I had them to look after, it made what I was moving in less dirty. I had a purpose, and I kept my eye on it. I watched over them like a hawk, like you wouldn’t believe, Mrs. Sunshine. And now, if I don’t have them right here and I know Maize is lost, my heart is flashing a vacancy sign.”
“I hate Maize has run off to that gang. I hate how that will tear you apart the rest of your life. If I thought it would do any good, I’d take my shotgun and go hunting him myself. But I know better. I hate them kids aren’t down there in that bedroom, all cuddled up for you, but this is the life you have right now. You have to take it. You have to hold on them reins as tight as you can and ride it out with faith in your heart and peace in those eyes. Ride that wind, Sweet Potato.”
“But it’s hard.” I put my hand across my chest. Yep, it was still in there beating. “It’s so hard.”
“Love is hard every day of your life, whether you have a wall with pictures or a backpack or a full luggage set. Baby, don’t lose yourself in all this. You talk about all those lost to you. Losing yourself would be a crime.” She kissed me on the cheek and stood on up. “You act like you don’t know who you are without those kids, but you are so much more than a protector of your family.”