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At the end of March 2011, my beloved dog Lucy died from liver cancer. She was the first dog I cared for as an adult. She was at my side through everything and everyone for eleven years: through every relationship, every crisis, every birth of a child, every tragedy, and every triumph. She was a huge part of my life, and it was tough letting her go. But you know what? Life goes on—at least in my house.
The other night Lola asked me how babies got into the stomach. Before I could answer, Sami, who overheard her sister’s question, jumped onto the sofa and said, “I don’t even want to know. I have a feeling it’s gross!”
I laughed.
I made a note to tell my dad and Charlie.
It’s easy to get lost in the meaningless distractions we’re made to believe are important when, as I’ve learned, the keys to the life we want are in our hands. We make the decisions that affect our future. As I sit here contemplating everything I’ve been through, I’m wondering what advice I would give myself if I could go back in time, pre-Charlie. One thing I wouldn’t tell myself is to do anything differently. I don’t have regrets—not when I look at my daughters. They have been my strength, inspiring me to be strong, optimistic, and better. In general, I don’t believe in regrets. People make mistakes. Life is what it is at the moment. Make the best of it. That’s the advice I’d give myself if I could go back in time. Be patient. My mom liked to say, “This, too, shall pass.” She was right. When I was younger, I used to worry about what was going to happen the next month, the next year, or what I was going to do in two years. Now, I live in the moment, and try to enjoy it more. Life is too short to do otherwise. You never know what’s going to happen next. It doesn’t help to worry about all the crap in the past. Nor can you comprehend all the what-ifs in the future. If the risks you want to take feel right, take them. Be selfless. Be loving. Keep your heart open.
In life, you need thick skin. You can’t give a shit about what other people are going to say. As I learned, all you can do is be your authentic self. If you want to make changes in your life, start with baby steps. Give yourself achievable goals. Go for a walk if you want exercise. If you need company, get girlfriends together. If you need friends, organize drinks with coworkers. If you don’t like the way you look, start with a new hairdo. Most important, don’t procrastinate. Don’t invent excuses. And don’t give up if things don’t work out the way you want the first time. Life is all about trial and error. Be fearless. It’s worked for me.
As I said much earlier, when I turned thirty, a friend of mine promised the best was still ahead of me. It was hard to believe, but I’m beginning to think she was right. Indeed, Oprah Winfrey is another who is always saying life gets better with age. Judging from the way I feel and the turns in my life, I’ve chosen to believe her. I am forty. I feel great. I feel fortunate. I feel hopeful. With all I’ve been through, I feel empowered. I also feel smarter than I was twenty years ago, and even sexier. In a way, life is just beginning, though maybe you can feel that at any age.
I’ve never been someone who has to have a boyfriend or to be in a relationship, but I still want one. I would like to meet Mr. Right and get remarried (for life, of course!), make plans, and end up in a rocking chair on a porch looking out at a passel of grandchildren. I’m ready for my next journey and I think that’s a great way to feel.
I hope from reading this you’ve discovered I’m a lot like you. I think most of us share the same thoughts and aspirations. At heart, I’m a simple Midwestern girl who got swept up in a life I never dreamed possible. I’ve had amazing experiences, friendships, and loves, but with them came periods of grief and trials. For all the highs and lows, life evens out. I make my children my top priority, I try to help my dad, and I put family at the center of my life. I get involved in causes. That’s about all anyone can do in life. You face each day. You try your best. The crises I’ve navigated are not unique, which is partly why I wrote this book. If you’re going through similar challenges, I hope you’re able to find strength and comfort from my story, if only from learning that you aren’t alone. All of us are part of a community where we can support each other. If you don’t believe me, find me through my website or Twitter. I’m there for you, just as so many of you have been there for me. I would’ve loved for my girls to grow up beyond the spotlight of famous parents and a father who’s made explaining divorce even more complicated. But what better skill to teach than resiliency? The message I want to leave you with?
Keep looking forward.
And stay real.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to thank all the people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and stuck by me through the ups and downs on this journey.
SAMI AND LOLA: You are my angels, my pillars of strength; I love you both so much. Thank you for letting me see the world through your beautiful eyes. You are my biggest accomplishment; you complete me.
ELOISE: My little angel; I’m so blessed you chose us.
NELLIE: Thank you for being the best sister I could ever have. You keep it real with me and keep me completely grounded.
MY DAD: Thank you for your love, support, and teaching me from an early age to take risks. Thank you for being the best dad and grandpa in the world.
ALEC: I’m so proud of the path you’re on and the young man you’re becoming.
KIM: We’ve been through so many years together. Thank you for all the memories and for always being there.
NATALIE: My British bestie … thank you for pushing me to write this book and for your friendship.
CHUCK JAMES: I’ll never forget the day we met. Thank you for being so passionate and for all your hard work. You have been there for me not only as my agent but also as a dear friend through thick and thin. During the ups and downs you’ve always been very encouraging and have never given up on me. I can’t thank you enough for believing in me and not dropping me during the worst time of my life.
JILL FRITZO AND AME VAN IDEN: Thank you for all the work you do; you go above and beyond.
PAUL VERHOEVEN AND JOHN MCNAUGHTON: Thank you for giving me my first part in a movie—it changed my life. I can’t thank you enough for believing in me, that I could live up to your vision. I’ll never forget the experience I had with you both; truly, I’m so grateful.
LOUIS: For teaching me how to dance and becoming a dear friend in the process.
KELLY CARLSON: My gorgeous friend. Thank you for your support and friendship. You are a true friend and even more beautiful on the inside.
SUZI KALTMAN: Thank you for always being there for me. I cherish our friendship, mama!
MINDY WEISS: Not only are you the most magnificent event planner, you’re the most amazing friend. Thanks for being there from the beginning… . Love u, Min!
PAT (SCHWEETBABE): Where do I start? Thank you, I’ll love you forever … xo.
CHARLIE: Through it all … I can’t thank you enough for the two most precious gifts anyone has ever given me.
JACK: Thank you for being there when I needed you most.
MY SUPPER CLUB GIRLS: Ali S., Ali L., Lisa R., Nancy O., Brooke B., Holly P., Tori S., Candace B., I love our dinners so much … thanks for the support and friendship. I always look forward to the next potluck.
TODD GOLD: My new neurotic friend … I think you know more about me than pretty much anyone. Thank you for being patient during this process and putting up with my stubbornness. I’m so proud of what we’ve done. Thank you.
DAN STRONE, MY LITERARY AGENT: Thank you for taking me on and believing in this book.
JEN BERGSTROM, KARA CESARE, AND JEN ROBINSON: I can’t thank you enough for publishing my book and believing in my story and allowing me to express my voice.
MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS: Thank you for your love and support and for inspiring me to write this book.
MY MOM: Thank you for being my rock and being my biggest fan and supporter. You’ve taught me so many beautiful lessons. I hope to be half the mom you are. Not a day
goes by that I don’t think about you. I love you and miss you dearly.
I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart … xoxo, Denise
My parents on their wedding day.
My second-grade school picture.
With my mom, grandpa, and sister.
My sister and me at Grandma’s. I loved high heels from an early age.
Kissing Michelle outside our house in Mokena, Illinois.
Camping trip with my dad and Michelle. I’m in the center.
Our house in Mokena.
Our house in Downers Grove.
Mom, Dad, Michelle, and me at our house in Mokena.
My sister and me.
James and me.
My First Communion.
High school prom.
With Kirstie Alley on the set of Drop Dead Gorgeous.
My sister’s wedding day—I did her hair and makeup.
Pat and me in 2000.
On the set of Starship Troopers.
Lucy, my first dog when I was an adult. She passed away on March 25, 2011. She was twelve years old.
Christmas at my parents’ house with Charlie.
Charlie and me in Hawaii in 2001—our first trip together.
Charlie and me on our wedding day, taking a private moment to soak it all in.
My belly! Six months pregnant with Sami.
With my mom and baby Sami.
Pregnant with Lola on Easter, one month after I filed for divorce.
Sami meeting her baby sister for the first time.
Lola and me in the hospital.
My beautiful girls and me.
Sami and Lola, sisters and best friends.
Richie and me at his parents’ house.
With my girls while filming It’s Complicated.
Backstage with my sexy Dancing with the Stars costar Gilles.
Promoting It’s Complicated.
A note for my girls left by their Nana.
Real Girl Next Door Page 22