“I suppose hospital-grade drugs count as something you might get at a rave.”
“I’ll play the rabid squirrel,” Eva volunteered.
I grinned, and when Meredith turned in her seat to look at me, I arched a brow at her.
“Don’t look at me. I’m not getting involved with ducks, a rave, or rabid squirrels.”
My great-grandpa laughed. “I don’t know where Christian found you, but I’ll bribe you to get you to stay.”
“Texas, sir.”
“You don’t sound like a Texan.”
No kidding. Every time I spoke to the Texans on the phone, I felt like I needed a translator. His Royal Majesty did it on purpose, while Queen Jessica only slipped when someone had annoyed her enough.
“I travel extensively, sir. I was trained in Hawaii. Now, I go where I’m needed, but I’m officially attached to Texas.”
“How’d Christian lure you here? We can’t figure it out.”
“That’s a private matter, sir. Christian acted on behalf of His Highness and contacted me. I reviewed the situation and accepted his request. That’s all you need to know.”
My great-grandpa watched her with the intensity of a predator ready to pounce, and I tensed, holding my breath.
“It’s up for negotiation. I’ve already informed the Texan RPS I won’t be leaving until matters are resolved here. I’ve come to the conclusion I might be here a while.”
Eva snickered. “Sucker.”
“Keep talking, Agent Evangeline. I control your schedule.”
“As long as I get to beat the royal bastards, I don’t care.”
My great-grandpa sighed. “Let me see if I understand this correctly. If we want to keep you for Kel’s detail, we have to stir up just enough shit so you don’t feel comfortable leaving. Agent Evangeline will be easier to entice into staying, I see.”
The woman I wanted to marry and keep close the rest of my life snickered. “You’re getting senile, bear.”
“I haven’t forgotten anything. I’m not senile. I’m contumacious.”
I scowled. “You’re what?”
“Intransigent.”
Eva’s snickers bloomed into a grin. “Headstrong, uncompromising asshole,” she translated.
“You weren’t supposed to know that, Agent Evangeline,” the grizzly complained.
“When my boss orders me to read the fucking dictionary to expand my damned vocabulary so I can function in this shit ship, I do as I'm told.”
He glared at her. “You just like to curse, don’t you?”
“It’s enjoyable with a bonus of easily offending small-minded people. The Your Highness back here isn’t easily offended unlike the rest of his biological family.” Shaking her head, Eva stared out the window. “I don’t have to curse. It’s just fucking fun.”
“What do you think about all this, kiddo?”
“I think I was tricked. I haven’t gotten a chance to watch Eva beat you. How long will I be stuck in a car with you for?”
“Six hours. Go ahead and catch a nap. You haven’t been this level of over-tired and cranky since you were five. Did that doc of yours forget your painkillers this morning?”
“I’ve been off the painkillers for two days,” I grumbled.
“Withdrawal?”
“Fuck you, Grandpa.”
“What? I’m not great anymore?”
It took Eva and Meredith working together to keep me from strangling him.
Chapter Twelve
Everyone expected me to drag my ass into my great-grandpa’s vacation home, but I doubted I’d make it five feet before I flopped, gave up, and begged to be put out of my misery. I only had myself to blame. Strangling the grizzly would’ve been therapeutic if my own RPS agents hadn’t insisted on restraining me.
Why had they stopped me? Strangling the grizzly would’ve helped in more ways than I could count.
“Are you sure he’s not a honey badger? He’s acting like one. Only a honey badger would go after a grizzly in his condition,” my great-grandpa complained.
“I’m not a honey badger, and I go after you whenever I want,” Eva replied, arching a brow. “If you agree to be gentle, you can play with him again later. But until you learn to be gentle, the answer is no.”
“He’d break if I flicked him with a nail. I remember from the ten times you lectured me about this issue yesterday, Agent Evangeline.”
“If you listened, I’d only have to lecture you once.”
I didn’t want to know what they were talking about, which motivated me enough to get out of the car, brace myself for an embarrassing flop to the ground, and head for the porch. Meredith beat me up the stairs, opened the door, and hissed curses, rivaling Eva in general viciousness and variety.
I turned to Eva, pointed at Meredith, and demanded, “How did you do this?”
“I can’t take credit, Your Highness. I didn’t do anything this time.”
What could have possibly triggered Meredith’s departure from her calm professionalism? One option stood out over the rest, and it involved my parents in some fashion. When the king and queen decided to go somewhere, they went, and no former monarch could realistically stop them.
I sighed. “Don’t worry about it, Meredith. If they tick me off, I’ll have Eva join forces with the bear. That should make them both happy.”
“Hear that, bear? The Your Highness over there has his shit figured out. You get to take the queen. She pisses me off.”
My great-grandpa hopped up the stairs, nudged me aside, and placed his big hand between Meredith’s shoulders and shoved her through the door. “Why are you two here? I made it very clear I get the kiddo for a week while he rests. I just spent six hours playing with him in the car. He’s too tired to deal with your shit right now. He’s definitely too tired to deal with the extra shit you’ve brought with you, too. And don’t you two fucking look at me like that. Your title as current reigning monarchs doesn’t mean jack shit to me today.”
I’d have to find a way to thank Eva for introducing profanity to the Averett family. Eva shook her head and gestured for me to go inside. “There’s no point in avoiding it now. They’re here. And no, they were not part of our plan. Had I known they’d show up, I would’ve taken it upon myself to relocate you somewhere else.”
I thought about it. “It’s not a kidnapping if I go willingly.”
“Maybe next time.”
While tempted to turn around, head back to the SUV, and hide until my parents went away, I had no doubt they’d persist until they got their way. Grumbling a few curses of my own, I stepped inside.
Had my parents been alone, I might’ve been all right, but they’d brought Gail with them. I stared at my ex, going cold at the realization I’d have to deal with her, her infidelity, and my mother’s pressure to bring her back in my life.
There was only one thing for me to say. “Are you out of your fucking minds?”
Everyone stared at me, and Eva chuckled, stepped to my side, and placed her hand against my back. “Good use of a common word,” she whispered. “Next time, we’ll upgrade you to something more archaic so you can impress them with your vocabulary.”
Two counts of regicide and one count of murder would make a quick end to my life, and I waited until the murderous impulse faded to something more manageable, forcing myself to take slow, deep breaths to bring my heart rate back to the sane and safe. Gail inspired lust in men and envy in women, and I’d let the lust element trap me for too long. Subconsciously, I’d figured out the truth early on, taking every precaution possible to protect myself.
Had I done a better job of listening to my heart instead of my eyes and falling for the fragile shell of her beauty, things would’ve been a lot different.
“It’s been a while, Rose.”
I’d never wanted to kill another human being so much in my entire life. “Gail.”
My great-grandpa growled, startling me when he came between me and my ex. Eva snagged my suit jacket in h
er hand, holding me in place. “The kiddo asked a very good question. You really must be out of your minds to bring her here.”
“She was concerned.” My mother sniffed, so utterly fake a sound I leaned so I could stare at her from behind the grizzly serving as a shield.
After what I’d told my mother, she’d still dared to cling to Gail? Rage rooted me in place, the kind that’d driven me to Huron-Manistee in the first place.
Eva tugged on my suit to catch my attention, then she smoothed the cloth, her hand stroking my back before she tapped my shoulder. “If I lose my job over this, we’ll have words.”
I struggled with my anger, boxed it away, and inhaled until I could speak without snapping at anyone. “As long as those words are punctuated with inventive cursing, by all means.”
“Fuck is a very inventive and versatile curse, Your Highness.”
I forced a chuckle. “Before you show me the inventiveness and versatility of the word fuck, why are you worried about losing your job? You beat a bear for fun.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m about to commit several fireable offenses.”
I couldn’t let that happen, so I turned to Meredith. “Agent Scarson?”
“Yes, Your Highness?”
“Please don’t fire Eva for anything that happens in the next ten minutes, as long as she keeps any altercations non-violent.”
“I’ll take that into consideration, Your Highness.”
As I refused to miss a single moment of Eva tearing into my mother or Gail, I stepped to my great-grandpa’s side, prepared to use him as a living shield if necessary. Ignoring the women earned me glares, but I refused to be cowed by either of them, directing a scowl at my father. “Your Majesty, why did you go along with this?”
If my use of his proper title didn’t clue him in he’d crossed a line with me, nothing would.
My father flinched, the only evidence I’d landed a hit on him. “Technically, I didn’t. She got a rental and followed us. Your mother refused to acknowledge the profound stupidity of encouraging her to stay for your arrival.”
“I’m accepting that at face value. You can be grateful for that later. Mother, since you seem to be hard of hearing, my opinion hasn’t changed. No. Gail, the day you decided to fuck and marry another man, we were through. Irrevocably. I’m not a whore, no matter what rumors you may have heard or started. I’ve never cheated on a woman in my entire life, nor will I ever. I’m also not a therapy plan for you to develop a sense of loyalty. If you want a prince, sell yourself at the yearly auction and pray.”
Gail’s mouth dropped open, and her eyes widened.
The silence thickened until Eva made a thoughtful sound in her throat. “Is this what you meant with your lectures about selective cursing, Meredith?”
“Yes, it was.”
“Effective. She’s turning green.”
Long after I expected Gail to snap at Eva or lecture me for telling the truth, she remained silent.
As Eva showed no sign of fighting my war for me, for which I was grateful, I lifted my chin and braced for the inevitable conflict. “Why did you leave the man you were supposed to marry, anyway? I never understood that. I try not to pay attention to baseless rumors. Was the one saying he cheated on you true?”
My mother paled. “Kelvin!”
“Mother, she cheated on me. Why would you ever think I’d be able to ignore that?”
“You don’t know that.”
“He does,” Gail admitted. “He’s always told the truth. It’s simpler for him. That’s what you get with him. Simple.”
Eva stepped to my side, and her mouth dropped open. While staring at her would send a message to everyone, I couldn’t tear my attention away from her shocked expression. I waited for the moment she finally snapped and said the first thing to pop into her head.
“Were you dropped on your head as a baby? There’s nothing simple about this Your Highness. It’s pretty infuriating, really. He’s a pain in the ass, but there’s nothing simple about him.”
“And just who do you think you are?” Gail demanded.
“Sweetie, I’m the woman he asked to marry him because I kicked his ass so hard romance popped out.”
Gail’s eyes widened to the point I wondered if they’d actually pop out of her head. “What?”
The green cast to my ex’s face splotched with red. With her true colors on display for the world to see, it baffled me I’d ever wanted her in my life in the first place.
“And since the Your Highness here doesn’t cheat on his woman and I haven’t answered him yet, you don’t have a horse in this race, sugar plum. Run on home to the man you ditched; you ain’t got a hope in hell with this one, dumpling.”
No wonder Eva believed she’d lose her job. She took the no fraternization portion of the RPS’s hiring agreement, snapped it over her knee, and then used the fact she hadn’t answered me as a weapon against everyone in the room.
“My name is Gail.”
“Whatever you say, sweet cheeks.”
“My. Name. Is. Gail.”
“Okay, skunk weed.”
Skunk weed? I’d had a run in or two with the pungent plant, and it took every scrap of my will to keep from bursting into laughter. Compared to the insults Eva flung at my ex, Rose wasn’t so bad no matter how much I hated the name.
“Gail!” my ex shrieked.
“Corpse flower. Kinda pretty, but anyone with a functional nose can tell you’re rotten. You’re so not right for him, dandelion.”
My great-grandpa leaned close and whispered in my ear, “I think I understand a little better why you don’t want to let this one get away, kiddo.”
I shot him a glare. “There’s a reason I got so pissed, old fart.”
“I see that now.”
Eva turned on my great-grandpa, and I almost expected her to start hissing. “Be quiet, bear. You’re interrupting.”
The meanest member of my family, a grizzly with anger-management issues, snapped his teeth together and shut up.
Wise man.
“How dare you?”
At the rate Gail was screaming, I’d need painkillers to rid myself of my growing headache.
“Holy fuck, Your Highness. You must be the most patient idiot on this planet to put up with this shit. Look, Gail. His name is Kelvin. You keep calling him some bullshit name he doesn’t like, and I’ll be happy to remind Congress that the queen wants to put a cheating busybody on the throne. He doesn’t like you, and frankly, they’ll be serving snow cones in hell long before he loves you. That shit ship sailed already. Do us all a favor and leave.”
“How dare you?”
“You asked that already. Unlike you, I’m supposed to be here.”
Unless I wanted to watch the two women brawl, I needed to do something. Plus, with one simple question, I could make it clear to everyone present where I stood. “Eva?”
She faced me. “What is it?”
“When are you going to give me an answer?”
“I don’t want to be fired today.”
“But I asked Meredith not to fire you.”
“Do you actually think that’ll work, feather brain?”
As she had a valid point, I looked to Meredith. “A little help here?”
The head of my detail sighed. “I can rehire her in a training capacity and detail augmentation. It’ll work as a temporary measure, as there’s nothing in the rules stating a trainer can’t engage in relationships with principals. Should you actually marry her, I’ll have to fire her, not that she’d be in a position to handle her RPS duties. We can consider it a transitional period, and her skills in martial arts are too good to let go of until mandatory.”
“And my pay?” Eva demanded.
I loved a practical woman who wanted to take care of herself without having to rely on me. Once she married me, I’d have every opportunity to care for and spoiler her as I wanted, although I worried she’d make work for herself until the day she died.
“Tra
iners have longer hours but better pay.”
“Can I still beat the bear?”
“Trainers do enjoy that privilege.”
“Huh. And the Your Highness here?”
“If you’re going to be marrying him, I’m presuming you’ll get to do whatever he’ll let you do. I’m sure he’ll be easy enough for you to manage.”
My mother made a strangled noise. “He—”
My father placed his hand over my mother’s mouth. “I love you, darling, but it’s not your choice.”
“It’s a miracle,” my great-grandpa muttered.
Eva smirked at me. “I’ll marry you on the condition you land a good hit on me by the last day of winter, and I’m not going to take it easy on you.”
If she’d been searching for a way to encourage me to deal with physical therapy and self-defense, she’d found it. “Never challenge an Averett man, Eva. We’re too stupid to know when to quit.”
She smiled. “I was counting on that. The hunt’s on. Good luck. You’re going to need it. Let’s find out if there’s more to you than a pretty face and your feather-brained ideas.”
Gail spluttered. “You’re not serious. You can’t possibly mean to pick some mercenary slut over me.”
“I certainly don’t need or want a queen who needs a manual to understand integrity or loyalty. Maybe if I hadn’t caught you in my bed with another man, I might’ve been fooled. It’s not my fault you were stupid enough to pull that shit. It’s well enough you left Donald. I would’ve felt guilty for not warning him you two are birds of a feather. Just go, Gail. I don’t want to smear you in the eyes of the court, but I will if I must.”
“You’ve changed,” Gail snapped. “And not for the better.”
I understood; before, I’d been much more pliable and willing to dance to her tune on the slim hope of lifting the family curse. I had changed. I’d rather remain cursed and be with Eva than live a long life with Gail.
A short but happy life was more my speed, and she’d never understand that.
“Meredith, please make certain Gail leaves the property and doesn’t return,” I ordered. “Also, ensure the RPS is notified she isn’t to make any unexpected visits without my direct approval. And should she seek an audience with the monarchs, I’ll require notification so I can be elsewhere.”
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