by Jill Knapp
Ever since I had accompanied my father into the city as a young child this area had always held a special place in my heart. My dad and I would take the bus into Manhattan from Staten Island, the borough I grew up in. After standing in the grueling cold, waiting for the bus in the early hours of the morning, my dad and I would enter Manhattan through the Holland Tunnel and within minutes I was greeted by the awe-inspiring view of downtown New York City.
I smiled as I remembered telling Hayden that story just last year.
A couple of hours earlier I had reached out to Hayden, asking him if he would come downtown to meet me here. One last face-to-face before he left for good. Just as I finished the chapter I was reading I heard footsteps coming from behind me. I lowered the book onto my lap and looked up to find Hayden standing above me. He was wearing casual jeans and a t-shirt with a black leather jacket over it all.
“Hi,” I breathed.
He smiled and held my gaze. Barely audibly he said, “Hey.”
I pulled my dark-blue cardigan a little tighter around my shoulders. Not necessarily because I was cold, more because I was nervous. Hayden took a seat next to me on an illuminated bench. We were the only ones in the park at this time of night. It was completely peaceful.
I tried to remember the last time I had felt peace. It had been a while.
“Can you believe it’s almost April?” I uttered in a near-whisper.
“Graduation is right around the corner for you,” he said. I nodded offering up a sad smile.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, gently placing a supportive hand on my knee. Even through my jeans I could feel the warmth of his skin. I felt a tiny buzzing feeling followed by the faintest hint of longing after he moved his hand off of me.
“Nothing,” I shrugged. “At least nothing should be wrong.”
Hayden cocked his head to the side and let out a soft chuckle. “You’re a very complicated girl, Amalia.”
“Tell me about it,” I muttered, tucking a curl behind my ear. I sheepishly raised my eyes back up to his. A fresh wave of nerves hit me.
“So,” he said, looking down at his feet. “What are your plans for next fall?”
“Well, if you had asked me that question yesterday I would have said I had no idea. But I actually got my acceptance letter into Hunter College today,” I declared through a fake grin.
Hayden perked up. “Congratulations! Was that your first choice?”
“Thank you. And, no,” I shook my head. “Columbia was. But honestly, it was a long shot. Plus it’s incredibly expensive. So is the New School. But now I don’t have to worry about any of that. It looks like I’ll be going to Hunter for their Ph.D. program. Which is much cheaper.
Hayden paused for a moment. Without a sound he just looked deep into my eyes. I had always felt a connection to him, but for some reason now it felt stronger than ever. Even after everything we had been through. Even when I knew he was moving four thousand miles away the next day. A part of me wished I could spend the rest of the night staring into those eyes.
“I really wish you weren’t moving,” I heard myself say.
Hayden looked off toward the now-empty streets of Broadway. “Amalia, that’s not fair.”
“I know it’s not,” I uttered. Before I realized what was happening, tears starting to fall down my cheeks. They were hard and fast, not like a stream. More like a hailstorm.
Hayden shifted his weight and faced me. “Please don’t cry.”
“I don’t even know why I am!” I said, a little louder than I intended to. “I should be happy. I got into a Ph.D. program. I got–”
“Michael?” he cut me off before I could finish.
“I guess,” I replied. “So why aren’t I happy?” The sounds of the city seemed to stop for a moment and all I could hear was my and Hayden’s breathing.
“Amalia, have you ever asked yourself what you want?” Hayden asked me, with a look of near-pity in his eyes. “I mean, not for right this moment, but in general. What you want out of life?”
“Not really,” I admitted, nervously pulling on the hem of my cardigan. “I have spent so many years just chasing what I thought I should want. I chased Nicholas when our relationship was breaking down. Then I spent the next few years chasing Michael and the idea of finally getting my happy ending with him. Now I’m chasing down more student loans and five more years of school before I even start my career. And, to be perfectly honest, I have no idea what that’s going to be.”
“I can see you teaching,” Hayden cut in.
“Really?” I let out a soft chuckle. “You mean at a university?”
“That’s exactly what I mean,” he smiled. “You know, there are a few universities around Gainesville,” I gave him a playful nudge and he laughed.
I took a beat, thinking about what Hayden said about me knowing what I wanted. Clearly I didn’t.
“I think I’m going to head home,” he said, breaking my train of thought. He and I stood up at the same time and pulled each other in for one final hug.
“Thank you, Amalia,” he said through what sounded like tears.
“For what?” I whispered.
“For showing me what I want out of life,” he stated. “I always knew that things like money and power weren’t even going to bring me happiness and when I met you it validated all of that. I love you, Amalia. I know you don’t feel that way about me back, but it has never gone away for me. You have shown me what happiness really is, and the meaning of a full life. What is and what’s isn’t worth chasing. And for that, I will always love you.”
I just stared at him, feeling my heart tug in my chest. I felt so confused. Why couldn’t Michael feel this way about me?
“And the offer stands,” he continued. “If you get tired of old New York, then you are more than welcome to move down to Gainesville and try out a new kind of life. I’d be there for you every step of the way.”
Before I could say anything, Hayden turned on his heel and quickly walked down the street. I stood there, in the middle of the park, trying to catch my breath.
I couldn’t tell you why, but at the moment something snapped in me.
Things would never feel the same.
Thirty-one – Olivia
“I can’t believe how unflattering these commencement gowns are!” I held mine up in its plastic wrapping. Even condensed into square of purple and blue polyester, I could picture how ridiculous we would all look in these gowns.
“We’ll only be in them for a few hours,” Alex said as an undergrad with a name tag handed him his cap and gown.
I looked around the long hallway. I saw a few people I knew picking up their graduation gear further down. There was August, Dr. Greenfield’s favorite student, talking with a girl who looked familiar. I realized it was Angela. She brushed August’s arm as she giggled at something he said. I furrowed my brow. There was no way he was saying anything funny.
“I think we’ve got everything we need here,” Alex said, scanning our materials. “Ready to take final exams?”
I spun my head around, having forgotten for a few minutes that final exams were today. The last tests we’d be taking in the Master’s program. I pursed my lips together and shook my head.
“I’m ready to get them over with,” I looped my arm around Alex and we headed toward the elevator. As I took a step forward to hit the down button, someone jumped in front of me and I took a step back.
“Hey, guys!” Angela greeted us with a big wave and an even bigger smile. “Did you hear I got the Ph.D. program at Sarah Lawrence?
“Wow that’s great news!” Alex responded. I knew he was putting on a good face. Just this morning I had gotten acceptance letters to both Columbia and NYU, but nothing had come yet for Alex. I knew he would get into one of those schools. He was the Valedictorian for goodness sake!
“What about you two?” Angela pushed on. “Where will you be next fall?”
“Well, no matter where we end up, we’ll be together,” I
declared. “But our first choice is to stay here at NYU.”
“I hope that works out for the both of you,” she uttered. Her concentration seemed to be breaking down as she scanned the hallways. “Do you by any chance know where Michael got into school?”
I felt both of my eyebrows shoot up and my teeth bite my lip. This girl would not give it up!
“I’m not sure,” Alex said. “I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to him about it yet.”
“Are him and Amalia still dating?” she asked quickly.
“Yup,” Alex and I answered in unison.
“Oh,” her face dropped and her heavily glossed lips twisted into a pout. Alex and I exchanged a glance as he slowly shook his head. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.
“We should really get downstairs,” I reached passed her and pushed the elevator button. “We don’t want to be late for our final exams.”
“No, of course not!” she tossed her long brown hair from side to side. “One more thing. I’m having a graduation party at my apartment. You should all come!”
“We’ll have to let you know,” I replied. “We still have a lot of wedding planning to do.”
“Oh, come on!” she insisted. “It will be fun, I promise.”
As if on cue, the elevator arrived. Alex and I stepped inside but Angela hung back.
“Are you coming?” I asked, mildly irritated from her perkiness.
“I’ll meet you down there,” she answered. “I just want to make sure I tell August about my party.”
I nodded and pushed the elevator button to let us out at the bottom floor. “See you later.”
The door closed just as Alex’s phone made a chirping noise from his pocket. He let out an exasperated sigh and shoved the phone back into his jacket pocket.
“What is it?” I leaned over to sneak a peek at his phone.
“Just got a text from Michael,” he shook his head. “Looks like we’re all going to Angela’s party.”
Thirty-two – Amalia
I re-read the email over and over again. It was short, only three sentences.
AMALIA,
I wrote a letter of recommendation on your behalf for all of the schools you applied to. Sorry I haven’t been able to tell you sooner. I hope you have received some good news from the schools you’ve applied to.
Regards,
Dr. Greenfield.
Graduation was this morning. I had to be at Yankee Stadium up in the Bronx two hours from now. I knew it would be cutting it close but the letter made me feel like I had to go see Dr. Greenfield and thank him in person for writing those letters for me. His support was most likely the main reason I got into Hunter College, who were already pressuring me for a deposit for next fall.
They wanted a commitment.
I was already dressed. I had on a light-pink dress and the more comfortable pair of black flats I owned. I had on a bit more make-up that usual in case my parents wanted to take tons of pictures. Which they probably would. Aaron couldn’t make it down to the graduation – he was still taking final exams. I was bummed he couldn’t be there, more than anything I just wanted the day to be over with.
I wasn’t big on pomp and circumstance.
Pulling my hair to one side of my shoulders I swiped on a coat of red lip-gloss, hoping to give my face some color against these hideous purplish gowns. Taking a deep breath, I gave myself one more look in the mirror.
“Okay, NYU,” I said aloud. “One last hurray.”
Slowly making my way to the door I grabbed my cap and gown, flinging the gown over my shoulder. I reached for my purse and keys and felt a wave of sadness. A part of me had wished Hayden would have offered me congratulations today, but I hadn’t heard anything from him yet. It had been six weeks since he moved, and we had only exchanged two emails. I really missed him.
Another person who still hadn’t written back was Cassandra. How many months had it been since I contacted her? Three?
I let out an exasperated sigh, shaking my head. I gave up hope a long time ago that she would contact me on graduation, but the disappointment was still there.
I walked quickly out of my apartment and hailed a cab to NYU to see if I could quickly see Dr. Greenfield before he left for the day. When I got to his office the door was opened and he was sitting at his desk, covered over with paperwork.
“Is this a good time?” I asked quietly.
Dr. Greenfield looked up from his desk. “Um, yes.” He pushed some papers into his drawer. “Please have a seat, Amalia.”
“That’s okay,” I said as politely as possible. “I just wanted to stop by before graduation to thank you for the letters you wrote on my behalf. Because of you I got into Hunter College.”
He pursed his lips together and gave me a nod. “You’re thinking of accepting their offer? Five more years of school to obtain your Ph.D.?”
I looked around the room, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “Well, yeah. Wasn’t that the point of all of this?”
“The point of what, exactly?” he stood up and walked around to the front of his desk. “Of life?”
“I’m not sure I understand,” I shook my head. “I thought this is what you wanted for me? For me to buckle down and get into a good program to continue my education.”
He rubbed his eyes and for the first time ever, smiled at me. It was quick and it was small, but it was a smile. I was sure of it.
“What I wanted for you, was to figure out what you wanted out of life.” He smoothed out his tweed tie.
“Okay, well here you go,” I held up my cap and gown for emphasis. “I am graduating in an hour, I got into a Ph.D. program here in New York, I have an apartment, and I have a boyfriend. Hell, I have it all!”
“But is that really what you want?” he pressed on in a calm voice. “Do you want to stay in New York City for the rest of your life? Because if you continue to go to school here, you will. I have seen it time and time again. My students, who have never traveled, stay here because it’s what they know. It’s what they think is comfortable.”
“I don’t understand why you’re trying to talk me out of this?” I answered defensively. “Why does everyone keep telling me to leave New York?”
“Because you’re not happy here, Amalia,” he spat out. “Because you think you have to do this. You have to keep going to school, get a job in this field, stay with your boyfriend and hope that everything I just mentioned works out. But let me ask you honestly, is there nothing else in life that you want? No one else? Do you want to get married? Have a family? Or can you honestly say that you are prepared and willing to dedicate your life to your job, because that is what you will be doing. And some of my students should do that. I push them to do that.”
“But not me,” I whispered. “Because you don’t think I’m good enough.”
“No,” he said quickly. “It’s actually because you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age. And in your position.”
“What do you mean?” I asked in a near-whisper.
“I was going to school in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, when I met a girl. We were in the same graduate program together. Halfway through our time at school, we started dating and fell deeply in love. We were together for three years when the opportunity came for me to teach in another town, Charlotte. She still had a year left in the program and the truth was I could have stayed in town. I was offered teaching jobs at two other universities in the area, but I let my overwhelming passion for success and money trump my relationship.”
I was shocked by Dr. Greenfield’s confession. Then it suddenly hit me. The picture in his office, the reason he was always shoving things into his desk. His miserable demeanor. He couldn’t stop thinking about his ex-girlfriend, even all of these years later.
“Did you ever try to get her back?” I asked gently.
“I did,” he nodded. “But I waited too long. I always thought I’d get over her, meet someone else and get married when the time was right. But two years pas
sed and I was still as in love with her as I always had been. I went to visit her one day, getting her address from a mutual friend. I showed up at her door ready to apologize. Ready to offer to quit my job and move back. Or convince her to move and come live with me in Charlotte. When I finally got to speak to her, she didn’t want to hear it. She was so hurt by what I had done to her that she said she could never feel the way she felt for me again.”
He looked up at the ceiling and pressed his lips into a line. “It’s been decades, and I can honestly say that was the most painful moment of my life.”
I didn’t know what to say. I touched my face to make sure I wasn’t gaping at him. This man, who I had hated for the past two years was going through pain and regret and if I wasn’t careful, that could be me when I got older.
“I’m so sorry,” I offered.
“Amalia,” he muttered my name as usual, never to be said with full strength. But something was different this time. He wasn’t using the familiar, judgmental tone I had become accustomed to.
“At the end of it all, it’s just you you’re left with,” he continued. “Some people say life is short, and there’s no denying that.” He glanced down at the picture on his desk for a moment, taking a deep breath in the process. “But life is also long.” He looked up from the photo, and his eyebrows popped up like two arrows on his forehead. “Too long to choose a path that will lead you nowhere. Much too long not to follow your heart.”
As he took a step closer to me, I could feel tears forming in the back of my eyes. But it didn’t matter. I was stronger now. But still not strong enough to know what to say.