by Bloom, Anna
“It’s not you. It’s all me. It’s always been me. I’m not brave enough to ask for the things I want. Not brave enough to speak up.”
“What do you want, Ronnie?”
“You.” The word heaved from my chest, painful and desperate. I slid into those three letters as they unravelled themselves. “Just you.”
His lips touched mine and I wanted to die. Had died, maybe. The tang from my tears slipped into my mouth as I gasped at his kiss.
We were going to do this again. The other night it had ended in emptiness.
His hands rose and cupped my cheek, cradling me within his touch. His gaze held mine and his fingers slipped along my hair, brushing gently, caressing and soft.
My breath came out as a ragged gasp. Half hitched, it laboured free from my lungs as he tilted his head towards mine, his gaze never breaking.
Slow and deliberate, we brushed against one another, testing and tasting. He tanged of warm lips, and salt and vinegar crisps. His lips were a little dry from the salt. I ran my tongue along them, thrilled at the small moan in his throat.
His body hardened next to mine, digging in and making me want to wrap my legs around him tight.
I remained still though. This was a kiss to enjoy.
My lashes fluttered open, finding him already watching my reactions. His thumb grazed down my cheek, along the dried trails of my tears. It stopped at the edge of my lips, curving a delicate path along the tingling edges. I opened them, parting them, exhaling as he used the pad of his thumb to press down on my lower lip.
“Ronnie.” Another brush, harder, more determined. I opened my mouth, inviting him in and he danced in time, pushing with his tongue, tangling us tight together until we were only the clash of teeth and sighed moans.
Heaven.
A million years of nothing but blue sky and the sun’s rays.
I arched a little, pushing myself into his hardness. My body softened in response to the only game two people were meant to play. You give this and I’ll take that. You nip here and I’ll swipe there.
He pulled my lower lip in between his teeth sucking gently and I moaned long and low, making him smile against my mouth.
I almost didn’t want him to break the kiss to speak; but I wanted to hear any words he had. Air rushed between our parted mouths.
“And that’s the torment of the eating moan.”
“I didn’t know I did that.”
His lips skimmed mine again. “Sheer torment.”
“You should’ve told me.” I pecked along his mouth, pressing into the upturned edges. “Ronnie, don’t make sex noises while you’re eating.”
“But then what would I have kept with me all these years? There would have been blank space in the place of your moans.”
His words pulled me from the dark realms of his kiss. They dragged me towards the light like I lifted from the bottom of the sea and was about to break the water.
“What are we doing here, Matthew?” I opened a virtual window and let in a blast of cold air on the moment.
“Kissing like rampant teenagers?” His words hollowed me out.
“But we aren’t teenagers.”
“I know.”
Somehow, I broke out from the cage of his hold. “Why am I going to Scotland with you? Do you really think I can help you to save your company?”
“I’m hoping to make you understand, Ronnie. The only way to do that is to show you.”
“Why?” Another darted thought. “And what do you want me to understand?”
“Everything, and because sometimes words aren’t enough. You always knew me better than anyone and that was only using the bits I let you see.” His expression clouded.
“You aren’t telling me something.”
“Maybe. Now come on, let's get some sleep.”
“Here together?” I pointed at his small bunk. Beneath us the train rocked on the tracks and led us away.
“I’ll be on my best behaviour.”
I lifted an eyebrow and pushed against his lingering hardness. “What’s best?”
“I’ll think of drowned kittens until that goes away?”
“Oh no, the poor kittens.”
“I’ve killed them all off in my head a thousand times before.”
“What colours are they?”
“Ronnie.” He held me tighter, his fingers slotting into nook holes I didn’t know I had. Little inches of space where his fingers fit just so. A shiver ran over me. This could be a long night.
I wanted it though. I’d ache for it. Tomorrow I’d be Ronnie Childs again and he would be Matthew Carling, and who knows if he would smile and touch me, kiss me.
On a whim I took it while I could. I’d pay for it later as I bartered my soul with the ferryman.
I skimmed my lips against the heat of his throat, dark stubble tickled and scratched. “How about you don’t think about dead kittens?” I welded myself against him. His hard arousal pushed in between my legs and it made me want so many things. Things without a name. Wordless and deadly.
His smile flickered in the dark. “No.”
“No, not ever? Or, no not right now?”
“No. If it happens it will be perfect.”
“How can it be perfect if you live in Scotland and I live in London?”
His chuckle rocked me, and I thrummed as it pushed him into sensitive places. “Trust me.”
An easy to request for him to make, but not an easy one for me to grant.
I’d trusted him before. I’d trusted him with my friendship, and I’d been hurt ever since.
This felt different though. The cusp of something brand new. It sparkled with cleanliness, not sullied by reality.
“Tell me about the dream you always had.” He pressed a kiss to my brow, his arms tightening.
I was going to sleep in Matthew Carling’s arms. Intentionally. Without falling asleep during a movie. Knowing that it was just us. I shivered hard.
It was a life defining moment.
“It’s the Freshers Ball second year.”
“Ah, the day of the lilac dress.”
“You remember?”
His silence spoke volumes and his grip tightened until he nearly crushed me in his grasp.
“You are with her. Scott and Ange are dancing. I’m trying hard not to look at them. I think they should go back to one of their rooms. No one needs to see that.”
I closed my eyes.
“Some guy has bought me a drink and he’s standing there as I sip. I sip slower, wetting my lips, hoping he will get bored. I can’t stop looking at you and her. She’s my nemesis. I’ve been hating her, every mention of her, for a year. Then you glance up over her shoulder and you look at me like you can read my mind and I think for a moment you know how much it hurts. I think there’s a chance you might know that I love you even though I act all pally and basically stupid; even though I’ve made myself into an honorary dude just so you’ll let me hang around.”
I paused. Drifting.
“Then you look back down at her and smile and it’s like it has carved my heart with your initials. Instead of Ronnie and Matthew forever it says Ronnie and Matthew never.
“So I turn and leave. I’m stupid in the dress with the shoes. You’d never notice me like that. I’m just someone you hang with. I’m going to get over you. I know I will. I just need to not see you with her. I’ll find someone who recognises that I have breasts and curves, that I’m actually a girl and I’ll forget all about you. I’m halfway across campus when you catch me up, your hand on my shoulder.”
“What happens next?” A rumble of major and minor, high and low, expectation and need.
“Your hand slips down my arm. I try to pull away, but you grip my hand and I’m thinking, ‘what is he doing?’ She will find him at any moment. But there’s a fire in your gaze and it does something to my insides. Makes me all hot like I’m caramel over ice cream. You ask where I’m going, and I say to bed. You ask me why and I tell you I’ve got no one
to dance with. Then you pull your phone out of your pocket and put on a song. It’s old, it sings in my heart as you grip me tight and hold me close. I ask you why this song and you tell me it’s special. Then we twirl around and around under a tree, the tinny sound of the music upsetting the blanket of darkness. I know you should go. As our feet slow, I know you will go. Then you push your lips against mine. Just half a kiss. Half a promise.”
Our chests rose and fell as the memory slid away, just like the moment did seventeen years ago.
“Then what happens in the dream?”
“I don’t let you go.”
Darkness and silence enveloped us. Our breaths continued to rise and fall together, painting each other’s skin with secrets. “I wish you hadn’t.” Leaning down, he placed a delicate kiss under my right eye, and I felt the slick slip of tears. He kissed the other eye and when he was done I snuggled down against his chest.
“Thing is, Matthew. If you hadn’t walked away, we wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t have Hannah, you wouldn’t have your boys. Maybe it’s the way it was meant to be.”
I sensed his nod in the darkness.
I was too tired. I’d gone all fuzzy around the edges. I wanted to lay awake in his arms all night as this train rocked us in its stable hold, but the emotional turmoil made me ache down deep. I closed my eyes, memorising his smell, when I had a thought.
“What will I do while you are with your mother?”
He planted a kiss on the top of my head, soft and gentle. “I hope you’ll be there with me.”
A spark of something resembling a future flickered within me.
“Me, meet your mum?”
“Well, yes. Admittedly it’s a decade and a half too late, but I’d like to introduce you both.”
I squeezed him tight and hung on for dear life as Matthew Carling’s arms fit me to his chest and I wondered if I’d ever wake up from this dream.
“Don’t wake up angry.” I lifted my head and stared at his face in the darkness. Mainly because I just wanted to memorise how he looked dressed in shadows and moonlight.
“I won’t. Night, Ronnie Roo.”
“Night, Matthew.”
Lavender
“Oh.” I opened my eyes and blinked straight into his gaze. “What are you doing?”
“Counting your snores.”
He laid so close we were almost nose to nose. The cabin was still dark but a faint glow lit around the edge of the curtains.
“It’s rude to watch people while they sleep.”
“I was short on other activities.”
I breathed out a ragged breath of relief, thankful to find him not moody. We were continuing on from where we’d left things last night as sleep stole us away. His arms still hugged me tight, his lips still held a softness and curved with an old and familiar smile.
“You aren’t scowling.”
“Not yet.” My heart stuttered as he smiled a wide, slow tilt of his lips that glowed brighter than the breaking dawn.
“Yet?”
“Well, today’s got a headache written all over it.”
I wiggled back a little bit so I could see him. “How do you mean?”
“Mum’s got the boys. She’ll be cooking a twelve-course dinner and my brothers have all come home too.”
“Oh.” I purse my lips. “Your brothers?”
“Yes.”
“What is this thing again? I should probably just stay out of the way. Why don’t you take me to the shop you want me to see and leave me there? It will give me a chance to work on the branding.” I swiped some hair off my face. It had woken its normal wonderful and static self. “I’m worried we are running out of time.” We really were. How many days were there left until this was over? Just six counting the weekend?
Six days of Matthew.
His big palm smoothed my hair. “We’ve got time.”
We don’t. “I’ll just stay out of the way anyway. Sorry, what’s this thing again?”
“It’s for my dad. You’ll understand later. Right, I think we must be getting close to the station.” I hadn’t noticed the slow of the wheels of the train, but right on cue a gentle rap landed against the cabin door.
“Edinburgh. Final destination,” was shouted through the door followed by some cheery whistling that I wasn’t sure the early hour necessitated.
Matthew shifted away and the space in the indent he left behind tingled against my skin. “Do you want the bathroom first?”
“It’s okay. You go.”
His lips curved deliciously, cheeky and youthful dimples dented his face. “Okay. So. I might have been staring at you for a while.”
“And?” Bit of a weird thing to say.
In answer he rolled back in and pushed against me. Ah. I see. Matthew’s erection was enough to make my stomach lick with warmth and the space between my legs slick with dampness.
“Oh.” I scrunched my face. I wondered if they’d leave us alone at the station if we kept the door shut and the blind pulled. “I thought I was snoring?”
“Turns out it’s sexy.”
I laughed and pulled him closer, my fingers tight in the soft material of his T-shirt. “I’m nervous about meeting your family.” I rushed the word against the skin of his throat. “They won’t know who I am, or why I’m there. I’ll lose my words and won’t have anything to say.”
The sincerity in his gaze made my heart stutter. “I won’t let you.”
“But…”
“No buts. Come on, it will be a long day.”
“Okay. You’d best get up then.”
He groaned, dropping his head into my neck. Then with a push he lifted up and I greedily absorbed the crumpled sweats, the giant tent in the middle of them and his messy bed hair.
Delicious.
God, I could eat him.
“You’ve got a dirty look on your face.” He turned at the door, catching me drooling.
I clamped my mouth closed and shook my head, my eyes scrunching at the corners with a contained smile.
“Bad liar, Ronnie. Just like always.” He chuckled as he shut the bathroom door behind him, and I breathed out a massive gust of air.
How was this happening?
How had I gone from the office yesterday and the disappointment of the failed kiss, to being wrapped up in his arms all night?
And hello… that was some serious tentage right there.
Sweet Jesus.
Oooh. I fanned my hot face.
Clambering out of the bunk, I smartened up the sheets. Thank you, overnight sleeper train for having the smallest beds in the world. Then I searched my bag for my phone.
I jotted out a quick text.
Han, you okay? Sorry for being snappy last night. I’m so stressed. Let me know if you need money today. NO piercings.
She didn’t respond, but what was I expecting? The time on the screen said five thirty. She wouldn’t see daylight for hours yet.
“Welcome to Edinburgh.” Matthew’s grin widened, the cold air stinging his cheeks pink. The way he looked almost set me on fire. “Coldest city in the world.”
“Well, I’m sure there’s somewhere colder. Maybe, somewhere in Greenland… Lapland.”
“Oh, if you’re not cold.” His arm pressed round my back and pushed me tight into his side but with his comment he dropped his hold.
“No, no, no. I didn’t say that. I said there could be places colder, not that I’m not freezing my tits off.”
His gaze dropped to my chest and I coughed to clear my throat.
I wished I knew what was happening. I wish I wasn’t such a chicken shit that I could ask. His arm felt lush around me though and I didn’t want to say or do anything that might make it move away.
My phone rang, vibrating in my bag wedged between us, but I refused to move to get it.
“Phone?”
“They will call back.” I melted myself into his ribs. It would have to be a surgical procedure to separate us now.
“Perfect.�
�� His grin flashed wide. I’d missed that smile so much. “Let's drop the stuff off at mine and then we can go to the shops. I’ll need to check in with my mother and the boys. I’m sure she’s got a list of things she wants me to do.”
Again that flicker of hesitation pulsed through me. How was he going to introduce me? Hey everyone, this is Ronnie. We used to be friends who didn’t fuck. Last night I kissed her to within an inch of her life and left her wondering just what ‘perfect’ is going to involve.
I couldn’t stop thinking about perfect and what it would involve.
What was perfect?
I also couldn’t stop thinking about that tent in his pants and how that might feel—inside me.
“Ronnie, seriously, what are you thinking about? You look like you’re about to puke.” He smirked a little. He knew.
“Your mother.” I challenged. “I was wondering how you will introduce me.”
He stopped walking right in the middle of Waverley station and turned to me. I almost whimpered as he removed his arm from my back, but then gave a silent cheer as he cupped my face instead, his thumb brushing my cheek.
“Stop overthinking everything. I don’t know what’s going on here anymore than you do. I’ve got no ulterior motive, no agenda.” His lips skimmed mine and I hiked in a breath. “I’m just glad we got on that train together.”
“You are?”
“I think I’ve shown you this morning just how excited I am that we got on the train. Ronnie, I’ve no idea how this pans out, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. That’s all I can say right now.”
I nodded. That was more than I could physically say. More than I’d ever said. I opened my mouth to respond with something equally profound, but nothing came out. He waited but then grinned and kissed the tip of my nose.
His words hummed around in my head like bees above pollen while I set them in order. “Wait a minute. What do you mean yours?”
He laughed, his icy breath fogging. “My house.”
“I’m going to see your house?”
“It would be rude for you to come all this way and I don’t even make you a cup of tea?”
“But I’m staying in a hotel tonight?”
My knees wobbled as I met his gaze. “If you like.”