by Bloom, Anna
“That woman.” Lennie banged the table as she sat down.
I’d been immersed headfirst into a conversation I hadn’t a clue about.
“Chablis okay, Ronnie?” Lynn asked, waving a bottle in my face.
I was sure I’d slipped into a different dimension. Who were these women, why were they being so nice, and what the hell were they talking about? “Sure. Thanks.”
“And the kids? How were they when they came in?” Ruth asked, sliding the glasses across the table.
Oh. They must have been talking about Matthew’s children. My ears pricked up, although I tried not to be obvious. Which was a bit like trying not to look like a camp spy in some awful World War II movie. My head swivelled and my eyebrows shot up. All I needed was a bowler hat and a moustache to twirl and I’d be in character.
“Jack was emotional, but I think he knew he’d be seeing Matthew today. I’ll be glad when this whole mess is over.”
A glass had been placed in front of me and I picked it up and wet my lips. “When all what is over?” I asked.
All three of them groaned.
“Everything. The divorce, the business. It’s a nightmare.”
“Oh? But we’re trying to save Supersaver Foods from going bankrupt, aren’t we? I thought that was why I was here? We’ve had two weeks to deliver a plan to the administrators.”
Lynn’s gaze met mine steadily. “Ronnie, the only thing being saved here is Matthew’s ego.”
I’d taken another sip of wine and it burnt down the wrong way. “What do you mean?”
“Meaning,” cut in Ruth. “That Matthew’s ego is so enormous he can’t admit that he’s made some massive mistakes and has been paying for them ever since.”
“Oh.” The skin on my throat warmed and tingled and not in a Matthew kiss kind of way. “Well, I don’t need to know about that. I’m only here to help him with the rebrand.”
I wanted them to stop talking. I didn’t want to know little secrets that Matthew himself might not have wanted me to know. “What mistakes exactly?” Good one, Ronnie.
“Oh, you know. Being miserable and married to the most hideous woman on the planet and then not walking away all because of his dad’s stupid shop.”
Ruth reached over and patted Lynn’s hand. “Sorry, Mam, but it’s true.”
Lynn nodded.
“Stupid shop?” I asked. “He’s really concerned about the staff. He doesn’t want to let anyone down or for them to lose their jobs. I get that. I’m the same with my staff.”
Lynn shot me a sympathetic glance. “None of us want to let the staff down, but it is what it is. It’s taken Matthew five years to extricate himself from this divorce. Those poor kids have been through hell; have been ruined by her and her family and their extravagant spoiled lifestyle.”
“Really?”
“And now he’s in London trying to save a ghost.”
“Why though, if it’s making his boys upset?”
Lynn sat back against her chair next to Lennie and sipped at her wine. “She made things awful since he first asked for a separation. Actually, it wasn’t even a separation, it was straight to divorce.” She really shouldn’t have been telling me any of this. I shifted closer. “First it was visiting rights; the only way for him to see the boys was if he pretended to still live at home and keep up a facade of their marriage. Then when he pushed her for the divorce again it came down to money. It should have been fifty/fifty, they never signed a pre-nup, but they’ve dragged everything out. He deserves payment though, for what he’s put up with.”
“I don’t think you should be telling me this.” I shifted again in my seat. Matthew was just in the room next door, watching the football with his sons. He hadn’t told me any of this for a reason. “What has he put up with?” I couldn’t help myself.
“He must have told you. The takeover of Carling Supersavers was halfway through when Matthew said he wasn’t sure about the marriage. He wanted more time but then the deal went sour. His dad got sick.”
“Oh. So Matthew didn’t want to get married?”
Ruth snorted loudly. “Anyway, this will all be over soon. Matthew will get the business back through the administrators and then we can all get back to being a normal family again.”
Lennie cackled. “Normal?”
“You know what I mean. Maybe Matthew can be happy again. Although I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him happy. We all might die of shock.”
“What do you mean gets the business back through the administrators?”
I had my gaze on Lynn so I could watch her face cloud. “The payout from the divorce. All he wanted to keep was his dad’s business. And then right before the paperwork went through, McStandish declared it in administration. I know, I know. I get it; he’s angry. Feels that Matthew betrayed him and Julie, but right now Matthew isn’t even leaving the marriage with what he went into it with.”
My view of the man in the room next door twisted and morphed. So proud now, so distant to the person I used to know. Life had done that to him.
What would have happened if I’d said yes all those years ago on that doorstep? How would he have saved his father’s company then?
“He told me.” I cleared my throat and tried to sound professional. “That his father used to love the fact he saved people. His shop was always there when people needed it.”
Ruth shook her head. “Matthew’s holding onto some old-fashioned belief. It’s like he can’t let go of the past and see how things have changed. Carling Supersavers was failing before because it was something the people no longer wanted. They didn’t need a greengrocer on the corner. They had supermarkets for everything they needed. If McStandish couldn’t save it by turning it into a budget high street chain, then there’s not much else to do. Isn’t that right, Lynn?”
I met Lynn’s gaze.
“You can’t rewind the clock. There isn’t a reset button.”
Oh my god. The tingle of an idea zapped my brain connectors into activity. “Sorry, do you have some paper and a pen?” I froze, not daring to move in case the thought slipped away.
“Here.” Lynn swizzled on her chair and pulled open a kitchen drawer. I took the biro and paper and pulled it in front of me.
“Sorry to be weird, but I’ve got an idea.”
Randomly, I started to jot down words. Just random words in no particular order. Greengrocer. Super saver. High street. Family. Planet. The words kept coming. I barely noticed the door opening and cold air brushing against my neck.
A hand landed gently on my shoulder. “What are you doing?”
I looked up. “I think I’ve got it.”
“What?”
“The brand. I think I get it now.”
His face shadowed with a pensive thought but then he smoothed it away. “Mum, it’s nearly time for the other guests. I came to see if you needed any help. Liam and Ryan are ruining the football anyway.”
“Go and sit with Ewan and Jack.”
“They can help me.”
I kept my head down and carried on writing.
Reset. History. New starts. Saving. Giving. Honourable.
I shoved all the papers in my coat pocket and then joined in where everyone else had gathered. A merry crowd indeed, very merry. Loud and brash, the air almost turned a visible blue. Lynn had smacked every one of her sons in the last forty-five minutes.
The gleaming dining room table was laden with plates of food, everything you could think of for a real shindig. I’d never seen anything like it. Plates upon plates of cheeses, pickles, pastries. My mother would have a heart attack if she saw all the different combinations in one sitting.
Someone tapped their glass and silence fell over the room. I couldn’t remember everyone’s names. There were more aunties than letters in the alphabet; three of them were called Ethel, I think.
What would Hannah think if she could see this, hear this noise?
Our quiet life couldn’t be more at odds.
“Speech
,” someone called.
“Oi oi, Matthew!” Liam leered, very drunk. For the last fifteen minutes Ruth had transformed into a joist and used her shoulder and hip to hold him up. She shoved a giant bit of baguette into his mouth, which I guessed was to stop him talking. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I’m looking forward to someone else making the speech one of these days.” Matthew’s smile shone with ease. He hadn’t drunk as much as his brothers, nor as much as Aunty Annie; she really was blind drunk.
“Well, mate,” Ryan harrumphed. “Then you’d be dead, and we’d be toasting your arse too.”
“Thank you, always reassuring, Ryan.” Matthew’s smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I wanted to scribble it down onto a napkin, so I’d never forget. Wanted to touch my mouth so I could taste it forever. “Thanks, Mam, for another lovely evening. This one meal of the year always reminds me who I am. Who Dad was.”
“Oi oi.” Liam had got through his baguette. “Better without the evil witch, though, eh?”
Matthew shot a frown at him but ignored the call. I glanced at Ewan and Jack, but they seemed oblivious.
“I’d like to thank everyone for coming and spending the time remembering my dad. He and I might not have always seen eye to eye, but I know now how much he did for us, for everyone.”
Lynn dabbed at her eyes and my throat tightened a little. I didn’t know the man, but I could sense what he meant to everyone.
“Let’s drink more and dance a wee tune.” I warmed like a hot potato with his Scottish twang. “And remember the old man the way he deserves.”
Everyone cheered and pulled along in the moment, like I drifted down a stream under the hot sun, I joined in. I met Matthew’s gaze and held it.
Lynn was wrong about the reset button.
I’d found mine and it was time to press it.
“I think we should dance.” He caught my hand and reeled me in, his nose skimming my cheek. I tried to pull back. Jack was asleep but Ewan still stared at a handheld computer game with his cousins in a corner.
“There’s no dance floor.”
“It’s a family tradition to dance in the front room.” His hand skimmed the bare skin of my back, pressing me into his body.
“I can’t just dance in someone’s house. The setting has to be right, the music. It’s not just a free for all.”
“Come.” His whisper brushed against my ear and I let him lead me to the front room. I had the feeling people were watching but I couldn’t look around to check. I ducked my head into his chest and breathed in time with the rise and fall of his breath.
He moved us gently to the music. A small rotation with his hand on my spine. His touch burned me and imprinted me with his mark.
“Are you having fun?” His lips brushed my earlobe and a shiver slipped down my back.
“Yeah. Your family is… fun.”
“Crazy?” His smile pressed against my cheek.
“No, fun. I could never imagine what they would be like, but now I’ve seen them I can’t think it possible for them to be any other way.”
“It hasn’t always been like this.” Another touch of his lips glanced on my ear. I shivered again and he pulled me in tighter. From across the room there was an ‘oooh’. He spun me around, his hips pressed to mine, a rhythm so natural it didn’t feel much like dancing at all.
“What was it like?”
“Stressful. When Dad was sick it was hard on all of us. Everything changed very quickly. Within a few months, moments like this vanished. It’s only now we’re getting them back.”
I lifted my head and met his gaze. “Because of you getting your divorce. They don’t like Julie, do they?”
His laugh barked dry and short. “There isn’t much to like.”
“You must have loved her to marry her though. I know you, Matthew. You would never have done it if you weren’t one hundred percent sure.”
His eyes darkened, inky and dangerous in their depths. His gaze was the water of a lake when you didn’t know how deep it would be.
He didn’t answer.
“You were a good son doing what you did. You’ve always been brave, said what you feel.” I chased down that old memory again. The one I’d spent forever regretting. “You were brave when you knocked on my door that day.” My chest tightened.
“Not enough.”
“How would you have helped your dad if I’d said yes?” A flutter bloomed in my chest. This question weighed with importance.
Our conversation ended with the shout of Liam roaring with laughter. “Oh my god, do you remember when we lost Matthew on his stag do and then the next day we had to ring Julie and tell him we didn’t know where he was, but that Dad had promised to get him to the church on time.”
Matthew whirled me around, so I didn’t face them. His hips swayed to the music, lulling me into a feeling of security. His warm hand clutched mine tight, palm to palm, fingers woven.
Another shout of laughter. Smiling up at Matthew, I pushed our small dance into a turn so I could see his brother’s laughing.
Ryan bent over double. “Oh my god. Yes! I remember! The day we lost Matthew.”
I stopped dancing to watch them and then turned to Matthew, raising my eyebrow. “They lost you? You’re kind of big to lose?”
Matthew’s face had frozen and I pinched his giant arm to get him to wake up. “Matthew. How did you get lost?”
Ryan heard me and called me over. Laughing, I worked my way out of Matthew’s hold. We weren’t dancing now anyway; we were just standing in the middle of the front room holding each other.
I smiled as I approached. “My husband passed out in a taxi on his stag do and the driver didn’t know where to take him, so he dropped him off at Kingston Police station.” I shook my head at the memory. “I don’t think I’ve ever apologised as much as I did to the officer at the front desk.”
“Oh, Matthew did worse than that.” Liam lounged back, or slumped back, getting into his tale now. “So we’d been on a massive pub crawl all afternoon. Matthew hadn’t wanted a stag do, so we said we’d just do a footie game instead. The three of us and Dad all went to the game. Dad left; we didn’t know then that he was already getting sick.”
I glanced at Matthew, only to find his gaze resting on me, but distant, like he stared through a lens of the past.
“Anyway, about four in the afternoon, we are all mashed up at O’Donnells, the Irish bar. It’s a cracking night there and we think we'll just drink our way through. It’s not a wedding unless the groom is still drunk at the altar. Then.” Liam waved his hands like he was a magician. “Poof. Matthew is gone.” He laughed loudly and Ryan snorted. “We look and we look. Finally, we have to tell Dad. He’s bloody furious we’ve lost our brother. We finally tracked him down. The stupid git had only got on the train to London. Drunk as a skunk. Do you know how we knew?”
“How?” An irrational pulse beat at the base of my neck.
“The guards were all talking about him on the station. He’d vaulted the security barriers to get to the train and hadn’t paid for a ticket.”
“London?” I turned to Matthew. “The night before your wedding?”
His shoulders sloped, his palms resting towards the sky, frozen part shrug.
“You came to London the night before your wedding? That’s a five-hour train journey each way.”
“Dad had to get the next train to find him. He was furious. Matthew had gone to see a girl, the night before his wedding.” Ryan’s skin tinged purple with laughter. “Dad only just got him back to church in time.”
“When was your wedding?” I could only focus on him. Only see the lines of his face, the mouth I’d idolised like a god. The look of sheer defeat written in his gaze.
“The tenth of August.”
“So the ninth of August?” I whispered. It was just me and him now. The rest of the planet had erupted into a burning inferno. I knew that date.
“That’s the night I had my first date w
ith Paul. We went to…”
“The Anglers Arms.” Matthew nodded. “I know. I stood outside and watched you.”
The bottom of my world fell away. Everything that was and is, should have been, could have been, all slipped away until I remained nothing but the rush of my blood and the boom of my heart.
“Why didn’t you come in and say something?”
“You were smiling and laughing. I knew you’d moved on; if there was anything to move on from.”
“But you were angry? You thought you’d seen me kissing someone else. I thought that was why you didn’t talk to me for fifteen years and were so rude last week when we met again?”
“Not angry enough to not want to check.”
“What were you checking, Matthew?” The tightness I’d always known crept back around my chest.
“If…”
“You came the whole way to London and stood outside the pub I was in, while I told another man about the fact you’d broken my heart.”
“I didn’t know it was your first date.”
“Oh my god.” I couldn’t get any breath into my lungs. A shuddering pressure pushed down on me.
“Matthew. You came the whole way to London and weren’t brave enough to even come in through the door. Three years of being best friends and you could stand there and not even say hello?”
“What difference would it have made?”
My blood rushed faster and faster, taking down everything that I knew.
“Then I would have known. I would have stopped talking. I’d never have told Paul about you. He’d never have offered to make me forget you and I would have been able to tell you that I loved you and that I was sorry I hadn’t told you before.”
His lips parted in a gentle sigh.
I lifted a shaking hand and swiped at my face. “It was you who wasn’t brave enough. You weren’t brave enough,” I stabbed my fingers into his chest. “Not me. All these years and I thought it was me, but you never ever once asked. You never spoke up either. That night you knocked on my door all you said was, ‘had I thought this could be something else’. You didn’t say let’s make this something else.”